Wednesday, February 26, 2014

sometimes

Sometimes I wish I had friends.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

I am losing patience

Just thought I'd share.  And not so much losing patience as concerned.  Was supposed to hear some news from Turlach, but now I'm just concerned there's something wrong.  Nothing I can do about it at this point.  

It's hard to watch yourself become less important to your family.  It's hard and it really sucks and it pisses me off.  

I was so unproductive this break.  Was supposed to work and get all these great things done, but I didn't.  I didn't do a thing.  And tonight's the last night I can go visit family, but I don't know if that's going to happen.  I'd like to, and I should, but I'm out of time and definitely out of patience.  it's so time to get back to my real life.  


Sunday, October 6, 2013

I hate this feeling

I feel like nothing I do is right.  No matter what my actions are, someone is hurt, left out or pissed off; mostly the pissed off part.  I try really hard to be friends with you, but you make it impossible.  What is it about me that just pisses you off to no end?  What the hell did I do?  And why the hell do I care SO MUCH that I let it affect my every freaking day?  No one who makes me feel like this is worth that kind of time or energy.  I try to shift my thoughts, but nothing else.  I end up back at some situation I can't change now.  And yesterday I think it was over a fucking dish.  I get that you are on hormone overload - I really do.  But give me a break.  I try so hard to be on your good side and no matter what I do, it does nothing but irritate you and piss you the fuck off.  I feel like you are not going to let me have a relationship with the baby and that you're turning into the person who made YOU feel this way.  Why?  No, I haven't acted perfectly in the past, but neither have you.  I deserve to not stress over this lack of friendship. 

But I always end up back at: why do I care so much?  Why is it so important to me to have a great relationship with you?  outside of you being the one person in my brother's life that makes him happy, makes him feel loved and safe, and without trying, you pulled him out of a deep depression - you brought out the happy turlach that we missed so much. Am i jealous that I couldn't help him?  I don't think I am, but I don't know.  I don't get it.  I don't know why I want you to just be friends with me.  I don't know why it's so awkward and forced around you.  I don't want it to be.  I want it to change and I really really want to stop making myself so fucking stressed out and miserable because I think you don't like me.  That's fucked up.  I seriously doubt you give me that kind of time and thought - no one should give that to anyone expect their spouse.  So what the fuck is my damn problem?

back to homework.  this venting did not help.  well, maybe a little.  I just wish I understood. 

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Stress and other things

I'm seeking help for my anxiety issues. Mostly I just want to cut myself off from everyone and wait to die. Is that too much to ask? Probably.

I've come to the conclusion hat Turkana and I are never going to be friends. Try as I might, she will always fins a reason to resent me, and I will always have massive anxiety issues when it comes to her. I'm just always waiting for the next thing I say wrong or the next thing I say that gets taken the wrong way. I can't say I'd react differently than she had, but I'd at least take her explanations to heart. I explained myself. I apologized for the miscommunications. I can't control if she believes me, which she doesn't. I'm honest. Ask me a question and. Give you an answer. I'm not a liar. Words don't come out of me in he right order or what I meant to say is not what I actually said (I really need to proof read what I write more often). Maybe my brain is fucked up. Who knows. But I allowed that stressful conversation escalate my self hatred to a brand new level. I wanted to kill myself. Seriously. But I didn't. Obviously. I reached out where I could and I am going to get help. This is not caused by Turkana. Turkana was the straw that broke me. I have lots if other issues that trump a conversation in a thousand ways.

Once the month is done I can make my exit plans. By exit I mean moving....not dying! I'm moving to Ecuador. Just need to find a job. I'm also considering moving to Finland. Either one works fine by me.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

I can't take much more stress

I think my heart and head are going to explode.  I just can't do this anymore.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I am still Brennan

First and foremost:  "The Real Joey":  Who are you?  Why do you want to add me as a friend on windows live?  I'd be SHOCKED as hell if someone other than me reads this blog.

I read old entries again and I'm so thankful that I wrote a day by date type of thing when mom was sick.  That one post is exactly what I was looking for.  I knew I wrote it, but I didn't quite not where. 

Today I'm finishing up season one of Lost.  Kind of waiting to see if Fashionista is going to want to see a movie.  She had mentioned it before, But I don't know if I should call her or if I should wait for her.  Doesn't really matter.  Well, it does because I'd like to know what's going on.  At the moment I'm just sitting and waiting.  I could be doing homework or laundry or grocery shopping or listening to Catching Fire on audio books, but I find myself not wanting to do much of anything.  Reading about mom makes me want to get back on the health bandwagon.  But I don't see that happening today.  I need to fight the urge to go to Culvers!!  I"m addicted to that place!!

Um...I guess that's it.  I'm just wasting time. 

Saturday, January 14, 2012

I am a nerd

I got an iPad today!  Well technically my office got an iPad today and I get to use it.  I think I have learned quite quickly that I don't really need one.  I might get one anyway because thats how I Roll. I might be able to get away with using this one for personal stuff for a while.  Its just not wowing me right now,  I see, though, how I can use it in my busines.  It'd be convenient to show clients there stuff on this.  

I do like typing on it though.  I'm weird.  I know this.  


Tomorrow my fashionista friend is coming over to watch the golden globes red carpet stuff with me,  so that means I most definitely have to clean this mess of a house!

Goodnight invisible friends!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

What's a girl to think?

I hate crushes.  They are evil.  I am crushing on Goboy something fierce and I know I'm reading into everything he does, but I could swear he likes me too.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I don't handle stress well

I'm dizzy and bitchy.  My stomach is in knots, I'm on my last nerve and everyone is pouncing on it.  I hate this feeling.  This is why I just can't get anything done.  When I'm this overwhelmed I completley shut down.  That doesn't help a damn thing either, because it's depressing and stresses me out more.  Good times, this life.
 
 

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Dear Mama

You have to help Turlach.  This is not a request.  He's angry.  You know this....he always has been an angry person.  But right now I"m going to play my trump card and tell you how pissed off I am at you for leaving.  You made everything better just by being here and now here we are....fucked up and miserable.  You died horribly.  Why?  It's not fair.  We need you here.  We need your presence.  I haven't felt your presence in so long that I am pretty much sure that when we die....we just die.  Looking for some bigger purpose it's just dumb. We lead pointless lives.

Yet...here I sit writing to you as if you can read it or know what I"m thinking.  You know I think this way.  If there was an afterlife and you really cared, you'd help.  Your lack of help tells me you're just dead.  There's nothing after life.  We just end. 

Good times, huh?

What am I supposed to do?

I took the weekend off from going west to dad's and turlach's home.  I was way to stressd out to travel.  I was fine today though and making peace with my stress....and then Turlach calls.  He stressed me the fuck out again.  He needs help.  I don't think he's going to hurt anyone, but he's hurting himself.  If he continues to be so angry all the time he's going to lose turlacha.

Being a dwyer, I feel the need to fix things.  Since mom died things have not been easy.  turlachs anger has grown.  It seemed to diminish a bit when turlacha appeared, but he's all the sudden angry again.  Angry at my job because it kept me away from them this weekend (godforbid I have my own life).  Angry at gf turlacha's dad for who the hell knows why.  Angry at the dr's when mom died.  Angry that cousin turlacha (yes...we have a lot of turlachs in the family..so what!) dared to ask him to fix her car.  Now turlach is going off that how dare they ask for a favor.  Where were they when mom died?  Why don't they just not spend money on designer cloths and vacations so they have money to fix their car.  Well...A) it's none of our business how they spend their money.  2. no one plans ahead in our family, why should they be so different.  Third, he should continue to gunnysack anger like he does.  MOm died almost three years ago.  Yes we all hurt.  Yes it sucked.  No, no one came to visit her.  THe weather was fucked up.  If our aunt had died first, we might not have gone to visit her on her death bed or if she was far away in a hospital and we were in the middle of the worst winter in years.  Now that we have the experience of our mom dying, we would NEVER consider notvisiting a loved one in the hospital or being there for them and our family when they die.  But that's due to hind site...not because we're so much "better" than anyone else.  We now have that awful experience with us and we know what it's like to watch a parent slowly die.  We know how it hurts when no one can come visit.  We didn't have this pain before so we didn't have this perspective from which to view the world.  We can't expect anyone to have the persepctive we do.  It's unreasonable and unrational.  I wish Turlach could see that.

I wish I could help him, but I can't.  I"m not capable and as much as I really feel like it is, my logical brain knows it's not my responsibility to help him.  That's why I'm in the situation I"m in now.  I want to fix them.  I want to fix leaping.  I want to fix dad. I want to fix the relationship between fin and phelon - but I can't.  I've nearly put myself in the loony bin this week from stress at work and at home..  And now listening to Turlach, I know I can't share that with him or with any other family.  It's bullshit, but I don't want to feel responible for their stress levels.  It's not fair of me.  They'll continue to share theirs with me and I"m sure I'll continue to let it stress me out further.  BUt life s bullshit, right?  Always has been.