today's song

Statue, by Low Millions

 

The weatherman says goodnight

the Empire State Building's turning off it's lights

the refrigerator stops

and suddenly it's quiet.

I never noticed the ceilings were so low

I never saw all the cracks on the window

I never saw myself as sentimental,

but here I go.

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the floor thinking about you

I talk to myself like the crazies do

otherwise I'm great, what about you?

Ain't nothing going on here but the rent

\I can't account for how my days are spent

I wanna draw the line between who I am

and who I invent.

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the floor thinking about you

I talk to myself like the crazies do

otherwise I'm great, what about you?

The weatherman says blue skies

but it's raining like the clouds all decided to cry,

and every time you hurt me I say

it's all right it's all right it's all right.

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the couch all day like cats do

waiting for the phone to ring, but it won't ring,

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the floor thinking about you

I talk to myself like the crazies do

otherwise I'm great, what about you?

 

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This song makes me think about mom

I miss my mom

This is just such a fucking ridiculously unreal time in my life right now.  I have so much going on that should be making me content and happy.  But it doesn't mean shit to me right now.  My mom died.  It doesn't matter how many times I say it, it doesn't seem real.  I just can't belive it.  Maybe I need to talk to someone about it.  I keep myself busy so I don't have to deal with it.

 

I have these awful memories of her last two days.  Did I do something wrong?  Did I push her pain button one time too many?  Could this have been prevented?  Did she know we were there?  Did she hear me ask if she wanted me to say?  Did she really open her eyes wider when I asked that or was it just some involuntary reaction to her brain dying.  I want these questions gone and out of my head.  I can't even remember the sound of her voice or her laugh. 

 

I'm so incredibly sad.  I wouldn't say I'm depressed.  Just so sad and lost.  I don't know how, but the sun comes up everyday and I manage to get out of bed and go to work.  I manage to pretend to be ok at work.  I manage to get my work done and do my homework and exercise and look for more work.  But I don't know how I manage that.  I don't know how life goes on without her.  I don't want to know this reality.  I never wanted to know this.  She was my best friend.  I loved her more than anything in the whole world and she's gone.  Just like that...it was so fast.  I guess that all means I'm managing.  That's as good as it gets for me.  I'm managing.  I'm not happy about it.  I'll never be happy about it.  I wonder if I can ever be happy again, or will I just keep managing my empty life.