I hate this feeling

I feel like nothing I do is right.  No matter what my actions are, someone is hurt, left out or pissed off; mostly the pissed off part.  I try really hard to be friends with you, but you make it impossible.  What is it about me that just pisses you off to no end?  What the hell did I do?  And why the hell do I care SO MUCH that I let it affect my every freaking day?  No one who makes me feel like this is worth that kind of time or energy.  I try to shift my thoughts, but nothing else.  I end up back at some situation I can't change now.  And yesterday I think it was over a fucking dish.  I get that you are on hormone overload - I really do.  But give me a break.  I try so hard to be on your good side and no matter what I do, it does nothing but irritate you and piss you the fuck off.  I feel like you are not going to let me have a relationship with the baby and that you're turning into the person who made YOU feel this way.  Why?  No, I haven't acted perfectly in the past, but neither have you.  I deserve to not stress over this lack of friendship. 

But I always end up back at: why do I care so much?  Why is it so important to me to have a great relationship with you?  outside of you being the one person in my brother's life that makes him happy, makes him feel loved and safe, and without trying, you pulled him out of a deep depression - you brought out the happy turlach that we missed so much. Am i jealous that I couldn't help him?  I don't think I am, but I don't know.  I don't get it.  I don't know why I want you to just be friends with me.  I don't know why it's so awkward and forced around you.  I don't want it to be.  I want it to change and I really really want to stop making myself so fucking stressed out and miserable because I think you don't like me.  That's fucked up.  I seriously doubt you give me that kind of time and thought - no one should give that to anyone expect their spouse.  So what the fuck is my damn problem?

back to homework.  this venting did not help.  well, maybe a little.  I just wish I understood. 

Stress and other things

I'm seeking help for my anxiety issues. Mostly I just want to cut myself off from everyone and wait to die. Is that too much to ask? Probably.

I've come to the conclusion hat Turkana and I are never going to be friends. Try as I might, she will always fins a reason to resent me, and I will always have massive anxiety issues when it comes to her. I'm just always waiting for the next thing I say wrong or the next thing I say that gets taken the wrong way. I can't say I'd react differently than she had, but I'd at least take her explanations to heart. I explained myself. I apologized for the miscommunications. I can't control if she believes me, which she doesn't. I'm honest. Ask me a question and. Give you an answer. I'm not a liar. Words don't come out of me in he right order or what I meant to say is not what I actually said (I really need to proof read what I write more often). Maybe my brain is fucked up. Who knows. But I allowed that stressful conversation escalate my self hatred to a brand new level. I wanted to kill myself. Seriously. But I didn't. Obviously. I reached out where I could and I am going to get help. This is not caused by Turkana. Turkana was the straw that broke me. I have lots if other issues that trump a conversation in a thousand ways.

Once the month is done I can make my exit plans. By exit I mean moving....not dying! I'm moving to Ecuador. Just need to find a job. I'm also considering moving to Finland. Either one works fine by me.

I can't take much more stress

I think my heart and head are going to explode.  I just can't do this anymore.