Dear Mama

You died Thursday afternoon.  I don't know how I can even still be breathing let alone getting through every day.  I don't know how to get through this; how to live a life without you.  What do I do?  I don't know mom.  Please help me figure this out.  I can't do this.  I can't go to your funeral.  I never thought I'd ever lose you this early in life mom.  This isn't fucking fair.  I feel so empty and lost and confused.  How does dad live without you?  How is he going to do this?  How do any of us do this mom?  I can't even dream.  I'd hoped you'd pop in and tell me what to do or give me advice.  But you're playing games hiding our shit instead.  While that's humorous, it's annoying and I'd rather have you here.

I'm glad you have no more pain and that you're not suffering.  I'm glad you're not in a fucking hospital bed anymore.  And here's the part I feel very selfish and guilty for; I'm glad I don't have to go to fucking Munson anymore.  I'm glad I don't have to go to that horrible nursing home anymore.  What the fuck!  I shouldn't feel good about that.  I never minded visiting you ever, but you know my thoughts at this point.  I loved you, but it was a burden on all of us.  We NEVER minded, but that didn't make it easy. 

I'm so thankful I spent a solid month with you even if it was in a hospital room.  You were so sick, but you fought so hard to get better and to come home.  I can't imagine the pain you were in, Mom.  So many surgeries and infections.  You never once complained.  Not once.  I'm so proud of you for that.  You taught me so much in that month about integrity and graciousness.  I wish I would have held your hand more.  I wish I would have hugged you more.  I wish I would have said I loved you more.

I held your hand as you died.  And then I had a big ass hissy fit.  I am thanful we could all be there with you when you died.  You looked so peaceful.  I hope that you were in the room with us and not in that worn down body of yours.  I hope you were holding dads hand. 

I'm sure you were as shocked as we were at Kathy's presence.  I have no doubts you rolled your eyes when OG told you Judy was praying for you, though I also know you were thankful for the prayers.  And did you see all that food she brought?

I have a selfish immediate favor to ask.  Buddy didn't like you but can you make him shut the hell up?  I hate his fucking whining but dad needs rest more than we do.  All I want to do right now is scream at the top of my lungs or cry so hard I puke.  I want to lose control just for a few minutes.  I don't know how else to get these fucking feelings out.  Writing you a letter certainly isn't helping much. 

Wow...thanks...the dog shut up!

I feel better having written this.  I imagine there will be many more letters to come.  Please help me through this mom.  I don't know how to live without you.  I never wanted to know how to do this.  I never wanted to know pain like this.

I'm learning

Maybe I am smart, afterall.  All this time I thought that everyone else is stupid...and a big part of me still believes that.  But today, questions people are sending me that I find ridiculously easy they are having difficulty with.

 

Shrug sent an email that his webpage wasn't working.  Just from what he explained on the email I knew exactly what was wrong.  Amira couldn't figure it out and gave it back to me.  It's not rocket science and she's been doing the intranet long enough that she should be able to pick that stuff up as easily as I can.  She's been doing this for over a year now.  Give me a break!

 

Smokey can't even make a simple chart in excel.  Again...not rocket science.  As a matter of fact, it's barely basic science!!  It's a simple chart...excel does the work for you, but she didn't even know how to set up that data.  Who doesn't know how to do that?  My 12 year old nephew can do that.  hell, he can do most everything I can!

 

So today I'm thinking maybe I do have advanced skills.  Maybe I take for granted that things I think are easy and assume that everyone knows how to do  them  are actually things that take some amount of skill/

 

Mostly....I think everyone else really is stupid and lazy.

I am so frustrated

I'm gonig to see how quickly I can get an additional loan so that I can hire someone to move my shit.  Turlach is killing me.  I'm so done with dealing with his bs and his "poor me" attitude.  DONE DONE DONE!  He pisses me the fuck off.  I'm just so looking forward to living the fuck alone.