I feel like nothing I do is right. No matter what my actions are, someone is hurt, left out or pissed off; mostly the pissed off part. I try really hard to be friends with you, but you make it impossible. What is it about me that just pisses you off to no end? What the hell did I do? And why the hell do I care SO MUCH that I let it affect my every freaking day? No one who makes me feel like this is worth that kind of time or energy. I try to shift my thoughts, but nothing else. I end up back at some situation I can't change now. And yesterday I think it was over a fucking dish. I get that you are on hormone overload - I really do. But give me a break. I try so hard to be on your good side and no matter what I do, it does nothing but irritate you and piss you the fuck off. I feel like you are not going to let me have a relationship with the baby and that you're turning into the person who made YOU feel this way. Why? No, I haven't acted perfectly in the past, but neither have you. I deserve to not stress over this lack of friendship.
But I always end up back at: why do I care so much? Why is it so important to me to have a great relationship with you? outside of you being the one person in my brother's life that makes him happy, makes him feel loved and safe, and without trying, you pulled him out of a deep depression - you brought out the happy turlach that we missed so much. Am i jealous that I couldn't help him? I don't think I am, but I don't know. I don't get it. I don't know why I want you to just be friends with me. I don't know why it's so awkward and forced around you. I don't want it to be. I want it to change and I really really want to stop making myself so fucking stressed out and miserable because I think you don't like me. That's fucked up. I seriously doubt you give me that kind of time and thought - no one should give that to anyone expect their spouse. So what the fuck is my damn problem?
back to homework. this venting did not help. well, maybe a little. I just wish I understood. But I always end up back at: why do I care so much? Why is it so important to me to have a great relationship with you? outside of you being the one person in my brother's life that makes him happy, makes him feel loved and safe, and without trying, you pulled him out of a deep depression - you brought out the happy turlach that we missed so much. Am i jealous that I couldn't help him? I don't think I am, but I don't know. I don't get it. I don't know why I want you to just be friends with me. I don't know why it's so awkward and forced around you. I don't want it to be. I want it to change and I really really want to stop making myself so fucking stressed out and miserable because I think you don't like me. That's fucked up. I seriously doubt you give me that kind of time and thought - no one should give that to anyone expect their spouse. So what the fuck is my damn problem?
