I need to focus while I'm sick

I just went to an old friend's myspace page. She's a strange cookie, but I love her to pieces. We used to impersonate celebrities online - it was ALOT of fun. Luckily this was like 8 or 9 years ago. I was old enough to know better, but bored enough to justify it. Anyway....I saw some of her photoshop work and it's fantastic...and she's just playing! So i'm totally jealous. Maybe she has the lite version or maybe cs3 has more simple features....or maybe I'm just not challenged enough to be more artistic. So...I decided that I need to really hone my photo shop skills and build my portfolio with fake projects. Sounds like fraud, but it's actually quite common to fill their portfolios in with work that they either create for themselves or have done for friends.

This was yesterday's experiment. It's a daisy photograph I took sometime this past summer and photoshopped on Friday. I think I might get a print of this to frame. I like it muchly.

Hyr came to visit this afternoon. I wasn't real chatty, but he was a trooper. It was a little uncomfortable. Rowen and her bf are coming over tonight to watch a movie. She's always late so I don't think she'll be here before 8:45. And that's ok, I guess. It's just that I'm tired already. I guess having visitors all the time doesn't really work for me.

I wanted to go to the store today, but walking down the street is all I can do. in and out of the car is difficult. Walking around a store will be impossible. My scar feels irritated today and it seems to be bleeding alot. Well, not a lot, but just more than when the staples were in. At least I'm more comfortable. Having the staples in really sucked.

Ok. i'm off for the moment. done talking!

I'm still sore

I'm still surprised at the pain i'm in.  it sucks.  It's frustrating.  I'm bored bored bored.  I can't really go anywhere.  I'm cold.  I'm whiney.  yet...I don't want to go back to work.  Work has called me enough today to really piss me off.  I'll get over it, but it's irritating.  Amira is doing ok.  She's made some not so minor mistakes which irritate me.  Maybe I am smart.  I don't know.  I just assumed that the things I know, everyone knows.  LIke when you set up a meeting for a group of people and the "owner" of that meeting can't be there, but everyone else still has to go; when you cancel it off of the owners calendar, it gets cancelled for everyone.  This is very common sense to me,  But I need to give her some leeway...she doesn't know.  She doesn't have the experience that I have.  But it's still frustrating.

 

Zeus and Hera are having their baby on Monday.  Hera thinks she'll be able to send me an email.  She's so not going to want to bother with email.  Even I know that much.  Zeus won't think about it.  He'll be to concerned for Hera and the baby.  It doesn't matter to me, but it's cute that Hera wants to try.

 

I want the pain to go away.

 

I want to not be bored.  I'd like to be able to sit at my computer upstairs so that I can maybe scan pictures or feel like I'm being productive.  Sitting here doing nothing is annoying.  Pain is annoying.  I just want to be less annoyed. 

Ok

I'm pathetic, yes.  Last night I posted a blog on both LJ and MySpace, hoping to reach one specific person.  It was a little whiney but 100% true and real about how lonely I am right now.  She just doesn't say shit to me anymore.  She used to be my best friend.  What the fuck.  I know she's changed.  A lot.  And not for the better, that's for sure.  But I was hoping we'd still be friends.  I don't know why I still want to be her friend.  I guess it's because she was my best friend during a very significant part of my life.  Maybe I wasn't a good friend back.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm dillusional to think that I can be friends with someone for a long time. 

 

Whatever.  I"m pissed and hurt, but I'll get over it.

 

Slept all night again.  That's three nights in a row!!  YAY BRENNAN!

 

 

ugh

My scar is very irritated today.  I'm tired.  Can't sleep.  I hate being tired. 

 

Rowen asked me to do a project for work.  I really shouldn't, but I probably will.  I'm more bored than I am tired. 

 

Seriously though, I want to sleep.

 

I've been having a really hard time with the no babies thing.  I tried to go into support chat rooms but all they were doing is soliciting for cyber sex.  It was very frustrating and disappointing.

 

I'm lonely, too.  I sit here all day with no one to chat with.  I text with friends and family, but I want new friends.  I want to talk to someone who understands what I'm going through and how I'm feeling.  And for some reason, I know there's something in me eager to seek out a fight with a stranger who says they don't want to talk to me because I can't have children.  I want to yell and scream and cry, but I can't.  I cry everyday, but not like I want to cry.  I just want to boohoo, but for some reason I haven't let myself let go. 

 

Ok.  gonna find something to either occupy my brain or make me fall the hell asleep.

Hmmm

Henry Rollins will be around my state ... um I forgot to look at dates.  I wonder if Turlach would be interested in going with me.  I love me some Rollins. 

 

OH I HATE THOSE freecreditreport.com ads.  What the fuck?  just because his fucking wife has bad credit doesn't mean HE can't get a mortgage on his own credit.  Take some fucking responsibility asshole.  And what...you can't get a job without good credit?  YES YOU CAN.  Get a fucking education and then you can bitch about not being able to get a new job.  Oh those commercials just rub me the wrong damn way.  They are misleading, dishonest, straight-up scare tactics.  Yep....I hate those commercials. 

I'm sad

I watched a movie, Martian Child, and burst into tears about how I can't have children.  Maybe I need to go back on wellbutrin.  I'm dealing better than I thought I would be, though. 

 

I should be sleeping.  i'm very tired and have a headache, but couldn't fall asleep.  Maybe once Shawn gets home I'll head upstairs, shower and nap.  I know now for tomorrow that I'll need to go upstairs to sleep.  I can't sleep down here.  2:00 is going to officially be naptime from now on. 

 

I think I'm going to play with pictures.  I'ts not very comfortable to sit here with the laptop.  I'll have to figure something else out, i think, but this works well enough for now. 

Dear Turlach

Quit talking about how mom and dad need to lose weight.  They know this.  It's no secret.  You're hurting their feelings and irritating me.

Awww

Uncle Bearach has called everyday to check on me.  He's just the sweetest man.  Both of my uncles on mom's side - Zart and Bearach - are the funniest guys ever and always try to be the guys guys - no feeling tough bastards.  But they are really the sweetest guys ever.  Uncle Bearach called today to see how I was doing and he always uses this stoic voice like he's taking notes.  But when I said "I love you" he quietly said "I love you, kiddo. be good".  it was so sweet!!