What the hell?!

I'm FINALLY beginning to get my portfolio thoughts together and started looking in my city for other designers portfolios.  What the F?  Design firms...firms i've interviewed at, have shittastic websites, if you can even call them websites.  It's a splash page with a phone number listed, an email address and a link to a pdf of their portfolio.  Really?  Is that what companies here are reduced to?  Or is that common?  Do all companies do this?  No.  I looked for firms in Chicago and they have normal websites.  At last normalcy was restored but i'm still flaborgasted.  One firm in particular that I was very disappointed to not get a job at has NOTHING for a website now.  No email address, even.  Just a phone number and a pdf.  The pdf says NOTHING about the company and just has samples of their work.  It's all stuff I can do in my sleep, so I'm not impressed with them anymore.  I just don't understand though.  If this is the trend of things to come, then yes - I'll have to move to Chicago to get work.  I know I can't freelance.  It's too competitive and I really don't want to do it.  I want a job with an office and benefits. 

 

I don't really know if I can stay at my current job.  The company is doing so poorly I don't know how they'll manage to stay afloat and I don't want to go down with the ship.  On the other hand, if they stay working there are such exciting projects coming up that I really want to be part of.  That could turn into a whole other Oprah - I don't think they'll involve me as far as graphic design goes and that will fucking piss me off.  You're broke and you have a very capable marketing department, but you've hired an outside marketing firm?  WTF?  And who hired that firm...THE MARKETING DIRECTOR!  Says a lot about her skills and confidence.  She won't include mne in things...I just know it.  I want to be involved in projects from conception to completion, but they won't let me.  I'm more capable than any of them are and still they doubt me. 

 

I guess I'm more angry than I admit. 

Dear Not Hollys Mom

FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX SHIT ON YOUR OWN.  I'm not IT.  I'm not paid to trouble shoot your bullshit Word issues.  I just want to get my fucking job done. 

Dear Hestia

If you are going to have a meeting that gives me assignments, I should absolutely be at that fucking meeting. 

 

You and Zeus have a nifty way of making me feel worthless.  Thanks for that.

I am here

Been feeling good this week.  YAY.  I think I could really dig living alone.  I know I could because I don't look forward to Turlach coming home from deer camp.

 

Anyway...

 

Why can't people follow directions?  I've found that several times at work this week that people just don't listen.  I don't know why anyone tries to take control of my projects.  In the end, I'm going to do what's best for the project and not what others like.  I don't want a calendar filled with employee pictures.  They mostly suck and it won't be interesting to people outside of work.  This calendar I'm making isn't just for CE.  it's not just internal.  We went through 2000 last year and we only have maybe 600 employees.  Customers take them.  Sponsors ofcourse get them and why would they want to sponsor a calendar of stupid employee pictures?  They wouldn't.  End of story.  So...I'm very much in the mind set of doing what I want when I want to do it. 

 

 

I Am Going Insane

Slowly but surely I'm going insane.  I'll get there pretty quick if this day doesn't end though.  headache from hell to begin with.  Computer problems galore.  Zeus fuck ups galore (not my doing, but being considered my fault).  I need a massage!

 

 

Dear you

Really.  Fuck you.  I get it.  I'm nothing here.  You make decisions for me too easy lately and that makes me sad.

Dear Amira

You fucked up.  Again.  I don't think you should be up here.  All you do is fuck things up lately.  Use some fucking common sense.  I'd rather work 16 hours a day knowing everything is being done right than have to go around and clean up your fucking messes.

Dill Emmas

So things are screwy in these parts lately!  I'm back to work which would normally be a good thing, but now it's just a confusing fucked up thing.  I asked for a specific type of raise at work.  My work has this weird "rating" system, for lack of a better term.  The level of work I'm rated and paid for is administrative assistant.  That's level 4, the lowest you can be in salary.  The level of work I really do is 7/8.  I asked to be moved to the appropriate level for the work required of me.  Nope.  They said in five years I could do it since my "skills aren't quite there."  Well if they aren't there, then show me another person in the company who can do the type or work I do and I'll gladly learn from them.  But there isn't anyone else who can do what I do.  If there is, they aren't admitting it. 

So here's the dilema.  While I"m very frustrated with my salary, I do love my job.  I love 95% of what I do.  I have fun with co-workers.  I just really enjoy my job.  But I can't afford to work there anymore.  I feel underappreciated.  I'm WAY underpaid.  It hurts my feelings.  So I know I need to look for a new job, and I am doing that.  But deep down inside, I don't want to leave my job.  There are potentially very exciting things to come for the company, no matter how bad it's doing right now.  I want to be a part of that.  I've never liked a job before and I know damn well I won't like a job the way I like this one.  Nothing will ever measure up.  Ever.  And living in the state of Michigan, there just are no jobs around, so I'll end up having to move to probably Chicago or something.  While moving to a REAL city sounds fun, I don't want to move farther way from the family than I already am.  Mom's been very sick.  Dad's not doing much better than she is...I just can't be farther than a half day drive away.

This being an adult stuff is absolute bullshit.  I know I will have to leave but I do NOT want to.  I've procrastinate the entire weekend away.  I should have worked on my resume and gotten my portfolio together, but I didn't even try.  This sucks.