I decided

That maybe I'll just sit and learn about photography today.  I still am not feeling well and can't do much, so sitting and looking at and learning about photography sounds like as good as any way to spend the day. 

 

I'm really tired today.  Had a really hard time sleeping last night.  I dont look forward to going to bed like I used to.  It is just uncomfortable to sleep.  I will try to take a nap today, though.  I'm really tired.  exhausted to the point of tears. 

Shutterfly

I'm not sure I like shutterfly that much.  I like the fact that I can store ALL of my pictures there, but I just don't know if it works for me to share with friends.  ofcourse, if I had ANY of my pictures organized in a way to make it easy to share, that'd be a whole other oprah.  I wish there was an easy way to do picasa.  I'll have to look into that, I guess. 

 

I'm really tired tonight.  I didn't take a nap today and I think that's kicking my ass.  Recovery sucks.

 

 

I am in pain

Today's not a great day.  I had a full lunch - bowl of mac and cheeses.  My most favoite meal ever.  I went to the doc this morning because I haven't had bm's and I'm a little sick to my stomach and it was freakign me out.  But the doc, not my normal doc, said I'm fine and was very happy with how i'm getting around. 

 

It's very hard for me to ask for help.  I think that's more obvious to me now and explains why I have a hard time at work.  I won't ask for help.  I don't know what the deal is with me, but I think maybe I feel like asking for help makes me vulnerable and weak.  Two things I never want to be seen as.  I'm strong.  I can do anything.  But in reality, I can't and I have to learn how to change the way I go about things. 

 

Anyway...I've been trying to get in touch with Bozrah.  She's ... I don't know.  I love her to pieces.  She's one of three people I'd consider my best friends, but she's high maitenance.  She needs counseling more than anyone else I know.  We all need it - I'm well aware of that and freely admit I could definitely benefit from professional counseling.  But she needs it desperately.  She is so self doubting. 

 

Ok. I feel like i might actually move some bowels!!  Yes...My life had been reduced to this kind of excitement!

I am home

i'm feeling very very puny, but I'm home.  I have a lot of surgical pain, but suprisingly and happily,  a lot of the pain that I blamed on endometriosis seems to be gone.  all of my internal organs from the bottom of my intestine to the top of my stomach were one solid mass and it makes sense with out I was feeling.

 

I just wanted to drop in and say hello to my invisible friends.  I'm exhausted and going to go upstairs and sleep for a while.

I think

I will concentrate on photography while I'm off of work. Maybe. I'm undecided, really. I don't know what pain I'll be in. I'm considering shortening my time off of work to 6 weeks. But that's mostly because I don't think my doc will give me 8. I hope he does because I think I need the time off, but I doubt he will. He's Dr Asshole for a reason.

Back to photography. I'd like to at least post more pictures here and elsewhere if nothing else. The problem is that all of my pictures are on a portable hard drive. OH! BRILLIANT IDEA. I can hook my external drive to Turlach's computer - he has a dual layer dvd burner. At lest that way I can get dvd's of the pictures. Still...I don't have enough dual layer dvd's. I have over 200 gigs of pictures to back up and it's making me nervous that I don't have backups right now.

Ok. I'll worry about that later. This is a fun distraction, however, from today's big fucking surgery. I'm getting nervous.

Oh! One more thing

But now I forgot what I was going to say. OH! Not that any of you care, but I'm going to set an upload for all of my pictures to go on shutterfly as a back up. I don't know how well that'll go or how many will get uploaded before it kicks me off, but I'm going to try. I need a few back ups for my pictures. I wish I could find a different unlimited free online storage for files. I'd like to back up my raw files, too.

Just thought I'd share!

Today's the day

I didn't think I'd be on or able to even consider blogging today, but it's early and there's no way my ass can get back to sleep. I go to the hospital in two hours.

Word to the wise - don't drink blue gatorade with a drug designed to clean out your system - everything that comes out will be blue. I feel like a damn alien! TMI? sure. Do I care? Not really!

I'm surprisingly calm this morning. I'm going through my nesting sort of thing. I didn't clean my room as I had planned. It's clean enough but if I have visitors, it needs to be cleaner. So I think I'll resort to the "throw it in the closet and shut the door" trick. I can deal with it when I'm able to lift things again.

Phelan has no phone right now, so there's no way for my family to get in touch with him after my surgery. I hate that. I understand, though. My phone gets shut off, too. But he was doing so well! I bet his phone is super expensive though - he has a pricey phone that has a pricey package to go along with it. I can't even afford what he has. Maybe he got it for show when he came home? hard telling. He's like that. I say stick with the cheap. No one cares what kind of cell phone you have. Dont' get me wrong, I'd give my right arm for a blackberry, but I know that'll just addict me that much more to work. But hey...hmm..I bet you good money that if I got a blackberry, work would pay for part of my cell bill!! Now there's an idea! I still need to fill out the form to get them to pay for my wireless at home since I'm sometimes expected to work from home.

Anyway...I think I'll check my work email, shower and the sit, wait and stress. wish me luck, invisible friends!

Lyrics

I am unwritten
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
Pen in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on you face
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
Noone else can speak the words on your lips
Drench your self in words unspoken
Life your life with arms wide open
Today ends where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten


I don't know why but I just like those lyrics. I was all excited this morning that someone actually read a blog of mine. Even if it was just for lyrics, I'm still excited :)

Tomorrow is the big day

In 24 and half hours, I'll be laying on a surgical table completely naked and vulnerable.  After the nurses and technicians get a good laugh at my fat ass, they'll be cutting me open and removing my hopes and dreams of having my own child.  A thoughtless pig at work asked me if I'm excited.  Absolutely.  Can't wait to meet the man of my dreams and have him not be interested after he finds out I can't have kids.  Actually, I guess at that point he woudln't be the man of my dreams, but it'll hurt just the same.  It already hurts. 

 

I've been doing my best all weekend to keep my cool and play it all off like I"m fucking fine.  I'm not fucking fine.  not even a little bit.  I just want tomorrow to be over with so I can fucking move on.  The 'rents are down here this weekend and dad gets this tone in his voice that annoys the shit out of me on a good day.  ON a bad day like today I just want to scream and storm off.  I honestly just want to be left the fuck alone, but I know that's not going to happen - not by a long shot.  So....I'll find ways to distract me.  Maybe take some pictures somewhere.  Spend money I really don't have.  Drive around using my $4/gallon gas.  I might even (more like have to) do laundry.  As long as everyone quits asking me what they can do for me or how I'm feeling.  You can all do me a favor by shutting up and leaving me alone.  I feel horrible.  Piss off.

 

I try not to be foul mouthed but for some reason today it's a big stress reliever.

 

I want chinese food today.  I can't eat.  I will have to suffice with jello, broth or juice.  Scrumpdillyicious. 

 

can't I just lay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself?  Where's the fucking harm in that.  For a girl who's definitely an emotional eater, taking away my right to food is not working out too well.  FUcking Dr Asshole better fix me up good or I'll fucking .... probably do nothing and just regret having this surgery the rest of my life.  That's the reality of my life.

 

Maybe I can get all profound after surgery. 

 

Miss me much, invisable friends!  You won't hear from me for at least a week.  Have fun with your invisable lives.  eat some invisable chinese crab bake for me.