You have to help Turlach. This is not a request. He's angry. You know this....he always has been an angry person. But right now I"m going to play my trump card and tell you how pissed off I am at you for leaving. You made everything better just by being here and now here we are....fucked up and miserable. You died horribly. Why? It's not fair. We need you here. We need your presence. I haven't felt your presence in so long that I am pretty much sure that when we die....we just die. Looking for some bigger purpose it's just dumb. We lead pointless lives.
Yet...here I sit writing to you as if you can read it or know what I"m thinking. You know I think this way. If there was an afterlife and you really cared, you'd help. Your lack of help tells me you're just dead. There's nothing after life. We just end.
Good times, huh?
Sunday, August 7, 2011
What am I supposed to do?
I took the weekend off from going west to dad's and turlach's home. I was way to stressd out to travel. I was fine today though and making peace with my stress....and then Turlach calls. He stressed me the fuck out again. He needs help. I don't think he's going to hurt anyone, but he's hurting himself. If he continues to be so angry all the time he's going to lose turlacha.
Being a dwyer, I feel the need to fix things. Since mom died things have not been easy. turlachs anger has grown. It seemed to diminish a bit when turlacha appeared, but he's all the sudden angry again. Angry at my job because it kept me away from them this weekend (godforbid I have my own life). Angry at gf turlacha's dad for who the hell knows why. Angry at the dr's when mom died. Angry that cousin turlacha (yes...we have a lot of turlachs in the family..so what!) dared to ask him to fix her car. Now turlach is going off that how dare they ask for a favor. Where were they when mom died? Why don't they just not spend money on designer cloths and vacations so they have money to fix their car. Well...A) it's none of our business how they spend their money. 2. no one plans ahead in our family, why should they be so different. Third, he should continue to gunnysack anger like he does. MOm died almost three years ago. Yes we all hurt. Yes it sucked. No, no one came to visit her. THe weather was fucked up. If our aunt had died first, we might not have gone to visit her on her death bed or if she was far away in a hospital and we were in the middle of the worst winter in years. Now that we have the experience of our mom dying, we would NEVER consider notvisiting a loved one in the hospital or being there for them and our family when they die. But that's due to hind site...not because we're so much "better" than anyone else. We now have that awful experience with us and we know what it's like to watch a parent slowly die. We know how it hurts when no one can come visit. We didn't have this pain before so we didn't have this perspective from which to view the world. We can't expect anyone to have the persepctive we do. It's unreasonable and unrational. I wish Turlach could see that.
I wish I could help him, but I can't. I"m not capable and as much as I really feel like it is, my logical brain knows it's not my responsibility to help him. That's why I'm in the situation I"m in now. I want to fix them. I want to fix leaping. I want to fix dad. I want to fix the relationship between fin and phelon - but I can't. I've nearly put myself in the loony bin this week from stress at work and at home.. And now listening to Turlach, I know I can't share that with him or with any other family. It's bullshit, but I don't want to feel responible for their stress levels. It's not fair of me. They'll continue to share theirs with me and I"m sure I'll continue to let it stress me out further. BUt life s bullshit, right? Always has been.
Being a dwyer, I feel the need to fix things. Since mom died things have not been easy. turlachs anger has grown. It seemed to diminish a bit when turlacha appeared, but he's all the sudden angry again. Angry at my job because it kept me away from them this weekend (godforbid I have my own life). Angry at gf turlacha's dad for who the hell knows why. Angry at the dr's when mom died. Angry that cousin turlacha (yes...we have a lot of turlachs in the family..so what!) dared to ask him to fix her car. Now turlach is going off that how dare they ask for a favor. Where were they when mom died? Why don't they just not spend money on designer cloths and vacations so they have money to fix their car. Well...A) it's none of our business how they spend their money. 2. no one plans ahead in our family, why should they be so different. Third, he should continue to gunnysack anger like he does. MOm died almost three years ago. Yes we all hurt. Yes it sucked. No, no one came to visit her. THe weather was fucked up. If our aunt had died first, we might not have gone to visit her on her death bed or if she was far away in a hospital and we were in the middle of the worst winter in years. Now that we have the experience of our mom dying, we would NEVER consider notvisiting a loved one in the hospital or being there for them and our family when they die. But that's due to hind site...not because we're so much "better" than anyone else. We now have that awful experience with us and we know what it's like to watch a parent slowly die. We know how it hurts when no one can come visit. We didn't have this pain before so we didn't have this perspective from which to view the world. We can't expect anyone to have the persepctive we do. It's unreasonable and unrational. I wish Turlach could see that.
I wish I could help him, but I can't. I"m not capable and as much as I really feel like it is, my logical brain knows it's not my responsibility to help him. That's why I'm in the situation I"m in now. I want to fix them. I want to fix leaping. I want to fix dad. I want to fix the relationship between fin and phelon - but I can't. I've nearly put myself in the loony bin this week from stress at work and at home.. And now listening to Turlach, I know I can't share that with him or with any other family. It's bullshit, but I don't want to feel responible for their stress levels. It's not fair of me. They'll continue to share theirs with me and I"m sure I'll continue to let it stress me out further. BUt life s bullshit, right? Always has been.
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