And now deep thoughts...

Not really that deep today, but I liked the title!

Today I have been reminded for hours why I am having surgery. Maybe the pain medication I'd been taking had residual effects. I didn't need it often. Actually there were many days I didn't need anything at all. But now that I've been off of them for a few days (surgical requirement instituted by Nazi's, I'm sure) I've had horrible pain all day. THIS is why I'm having a hysterectomy. I shouldn't have to live with pain all the time. And today...it's easily a 7 on the pain scale and a 12 on the annoying scale. It's been nice though. The fam is letting me be lazy and lay in bed and be antisocial. It's fantastic. I'm going to go down and be social so I don't look like a asshole, but for the most part, it's been a great day. I worked really hard all week and deserve this break.

I've been reading various blogs ranging from random people to designers to blogging about blogs. I have said a few times I want this blog to be more than my rant page. I don't know exactly what it'll be or what it will lead to, but I have thoughts and plans on that! I was looking at picasa to store my photography online, but they don't offer enough space. Shutterfly is supposedly limitless. I'm about to test them with my 400 gigs of pictures. Actually they won't ALL go on there because I'm sure there isn't an online photo storage place that will take my raw files, but I can at least have jpgs stored somewhere other than my portable drive. I am very nervous about only having one copy of all of my photography. I've gone WAY past using DVD's at this point to back them up. I'll need 100 dvd's to do that! I can probably go between dvd's and cd's if I back up by date or subject matter. But that takes time. I do, however, have two months of free time heading my way in a week, so maybe that'll be a project for me. Zeus suggested that. He told me to not work, not worry about work, and to spend time reading, watching movies and sorting my pictures (he knows that'll be fun and relaxing for me).

It's interesting...having worked with Zeus for two+ years now how well he knows me and how well I know him. It's kinda cool. We have this sort of brother/sister type of relationship. We're protective of each other professionally and personally. Only, he doesn't quite have my back financially, and I guess I need to get over that. I won't get the raise I want, I'm sure. And I know I won't hear about it until the week of November 10th - and that better be one of the first things we discuss!

I was looking today at my materials for applying for the MBA program. I need to write an essay about why I want the MBA,why B University should take me on and why I want to go through their program. I'll have to think about that, I guess. I'm competitive - Amiko is starting her MBA next week. I can't let her have an MBA when I don't have one. I have a Masters degree in media design already, but I want another one. To be honest, I want a PhD, but I feel it'd be useless to have one because I still don't think I want to teach. I have moments when I do, but for now, I'm too into design to let that go. Anyway...I need to figure out why I want my MBA and why B University is the place for me to go. Telling them their program was the cheapest MBA Marketing degree I could find probably won't work. We'll see, though. I'll dream up some BS! I wrote an essay for Turlach years ago and the comment from his teach was "you'll make a great automotive service writer!" LOL! No I wouldn't. I don't know shit about automotive. But the point of that is I'm a good writer when I put my mind to it.

My blogs don't prove that. Neither does my photography. Not that photography has anything to do with writing! Zeus said something to me yesterday that made me think. We were looking at pictures from the photo contest and he showed me his favorite and was shocked that I had taken the picture. He said that my photography is great, but that this style wasn't like anything he had seen from me and that it was probably my best work. I told him that anything else he's seen from me was point and shoot. When I take my time, put my mind to it and look for that right shot, my style and results are much different. And the same is true for my writing. My entries so far are very "point and shoot" oriented. There's no real thought or effort behind them, and that's what I'd like to change. We'll see if I can follow through. That's one of my biggest flaws. I'm a terrible follow through-er.

My Replacement

Amira has been doing great this week!  Though she has frustrated me a couple times, she's really pulled through.  I could NOT have gotten anything done without her this week.  YAY AMIRIA!

 

I'm very hopeful that I can leave early.  The meeting with Gaius went as I expected other than not having to give him all of my changes until tonight.  That was helpful. 

 

Maybe I can be more profound in my writing this weekend.  I just don't have the brain power right now!

Barack Obama...

...emails me more than my mother does!!!  His campaign is quite prolific. 

 

Busy busy today.  In at 6:30 and my goal is to leave around 3.  We'll see if that really happens.  A girl can always dream, right?

I am sorely disappointed

I don't think I'm getting the level raise I want and need.  Hestia and Zeus met.  Zeus told Hestia he didn't understand why I want an MBA - I don't need it to be an assistant.  WHAT THE FUCK?!  Hestia told him I don't want to be an assistant.  But I know just where I stand with Zeus.  I'll never be anything but an assistant to him.  I'm so disappointed and sad.  I really love the company I work for.  it's the first job i've been proud of and employer i've been proud of, too.  I get to do great things, but I dont' fucking get paid for them nor do I get recognition for them.  I have to move on.  it sucks.  It's not even about looking for greener pastures.  It's really just about survival now.  I can't afford to work here.  I'm so fucking disappointed. 

 

I'm so tired, too.  Ii'm not getting out of here anytime soon, either. 

OK

Mental breakdown #1 of the day is over, but there'll be more.  I do think I'll be here until 10.  I HAVE to get all of the picture projects finished TODAY.  I can't put it off.  I have to work on Gaius' shit.  I have to work on Zeus' calendar.  I'm sick of people.  Ugh. Kys is here - I hate her.  She drives me nuts.  I'm irritable.  I'm tired.  I just want to go home.  But I can't.

 

And how dare she interrupt Hestia's interivew.  That's bullshit.

 

Anyway....Amira is needy.  I don't fucking have time.

I am a wreck

I'm not getting shit done.  Gaius is taking up all my time.  I can't do fucking anything except fucking freak the fuck out.  And the shit that he needs done can be done by his lazy ass piece of shit assistant, Clucky.  But she's a lazy ass piece of shit.  I have no fucking time.  I didn't get a lunch because I was busy working on other bullshit.  fuck this shit.

Hmmm....

Kemah is getting kinda religions.  WUWT?

So...

I think Cago is kind of done with me, too.  That's ok.  I have this :)  But I hate when he's all quiet.  And he ALWAYS has this "take turns" thing with email.  I'm sure it's probably my turn to email him.  He'll sit there for days waiting.  Today he annoys me, I guess.  Not that that's a difficult task.

 

I had lunch with Rano.  It was nice!  The waiter was cool, too.  He's from LA and worked at Saddle Ranch.  I loved that place :)  Talking with Rano, though, was helpful to me.  It made me feel less stressed and I'm very greatful for that.  We bitched about Hades and she told me she finds Zeus intimidating - he isn't.  He's quiet and serious at first, but when you get to know him he's pretty great!

 

Octavio wants to submit pictures for the photography contest.  I don't have time.  He's cramping my style.  I can't really add him because I think I might be ready to go.  he'll be at the very end of everything.  Hopefully he doesn't choose to submit five!

Dear Cago

Now I remember why I didn't want to share this with you.  Your affairs disgust me.  I'm sick of hearing about them.  You're married.  You and your evil wife are horrible examples to your children.  You both teach them it's ok to treat people you love like shit.  You don't see it, but you will when they get married and are as miserable as you are or as mean as your wife is.  Good luck with that.

Good Lord

I realize that venting here is what I need, but I didn't plan on this becoming a vent blog.  Maybe after surgery it won't be.  I hope so, anyway.

 

I'm just sick to my stomach and on the verge of tears.  I'm sick of VP's being short with me.  I'm sick of people asking me how I'm doing or calling me "short timer".  Terms like short-timer imply something like retirement or vacation.  I'm going to have my insides ripped out of me.  I don't want to be a fucking short timer so don't fucking call me that, Hundo.  I hate you anyway, so stop talking to me.

What part do you not understand?

Someone comes to my desk and asks me how I'm doing.  I'm sick to death of hvaing to answer that.  I told her I'm really busy.  She proceeded to stand there and talk while I worked and wondered why I wasn't really responding.  I'M BUSY!

I love Mike Doughty

I love his blog - I really do.  I want to blog just like him, but I don't have the time.  I can't really blog at work except via email and I haven't quite figured out how to post pictures through email.  I'll try sometime, but I don't have time to figure it out. 

 

I am on the verge of a mental breakdown here.  I am not going to finish what I want and need to finish before surgery.  I'll try my hardest and go half insane trying, but I really don't see me finishing everything.  I hate that feeling.  Saying no to projects is, for me, saying I'm incompetant and incapable.  So I continue to say "Yes, I can squeeze that in" when inside I just want to cry.  I cried myself to sleep and cried the whole time in the shower.  I am freaked the fuck out.  I'm not even nearly as freaked about the surgery as I am about what's not getting done at work.  I've spent the last half hour or so cleaning off my desk.  IT set up my desk for two users, so now I have two computers and no room to pile my junk.  I had a HUGE pile in the corner that could no longer be ignored.  I'm almost finished with it.  I'll to the right side when I'm done whining here.

 

Turlach had a court appt yesterday.  He's worried things won't go his way.  I'm sure he'll be just fine.

 

Today I have to take pictures of Tot and Mario.  I think I might see if Tatjana can take Mario's picture.  At some point this week I have to go downtown to see the new designs for the website.  That will also only freak me out because I'll sit here and worry about who's going to put the site together and why can't we just get it done now.  Our site sucks major ass.  It's embarrassing to think that people see our website.  How we attract new business with it is beyond me.

 

Ok.  I'm done for the moment.  I wish I could be more like Mike Doughty, though.  I want to write like him!

I am FREAKING OUT

I don't understand benefits.  I misunderstood what was told to me, I think, so I need to go clarify how much I am or am not paying.  This sucks.  I am broke as it is, but it looks like I'll be paying more than I expected.  like $8K more.

Lunch

Lunch with Audra was what I expected - fishing for information on who's going to do my job when i'm gone!  Not her, that's for damn skippy.  She's incompetant.  I feel bad for her though.  She works for Hades.  I worked for him for a few weeks and told Zeus I coudln't do it anymore.  He's a liar, to boot.  He never takes responsibility for his own actions.  He has no sense of reality.  I really do feel bad for Audra.  She's in a very tough job, but she's being a trooper for the most part.  I'm not sure I would be.

 

Why are people so surprised to hear that I'm upset about having an hysterectomy?  Why is that so surprising?  I'm 34.  I have no kids.  Why the fuck wouldn't I be upset????  Good lord, people.  Get a fucking clue and grow a heart while you're at it.

 

Audra started smoking again.  Now I smell like an ashtray from sitting in her stinky car.  Yuck. 

I Am Fussy

I'm fussy.  I freely admit it - when it comes to design, I'm VERY fussy.  I tried to hammer out two new looks for a presentation for Gaius and I hate them.  Hestia loves them.  I worked on new labels last night and I hate those, too.  Hestia and Ishvi love them and are sending to the client.  I have no confidence in my work today.  Like I said...I'm fussy.  Everything looks cartoonish today.  Nothing looks professional at all.  NOTHING!

 

Now I have to clean the desk quick because IT is switching computers so that Amira can work at my desk when I'm gone.  Fun.

Dear Hundo

Shut the fucking door if you're going to be so damn loud.  SOME OF US ACTUALLY WORK FOR A LIVING!

 

And on that note, Dear Danny...I don't have time to look at your stupid pictures.  I WORK FOR A LIVING!

 

Hugs and Kisses

 

Brennan

Dear Hestia

You piss me off, too.

Dear Computer

You're pissing me off.  Do you not realize I have a very important meeting this morning and that you're totally cramping my style?  Get over whatever damn process you're trying to run and let me do my damn work!

I am early today

I did it!  I got up earlier than normal to get a head start on the day.  Go me!  Ofcourse, now I'll be exhausted by the time 7pm rolls around, but whatever.  I hope to get more accomplished this morning.  Maybe I can make this a habit.  Not 100% likely, but still.  AND....Zeus sent an email late last night asking an excel question and I was happy to reply to him at ass o'clock so he knew how early I was in :)  I've been looking for just that opportunity.

 

Today is lunch with Audra Roughnight.  She's ... well she's annoying at the very least.  She means well, so I try to take it easy on her.  There have been, however, several occasions when she's tried to throw me under the bus here at work and she knows well enough now not to ever attempt that again.  She knows I see through her BS and will call her on it. 

 

Tomorrow is lunch with Rowen.  I adore her - she's a lot of fun and we're alot alike.  I just don't know if I can afford lunch.  I'll have to be cheap with Audra today so I can have a nice time with Rowen tomorrow.

 

Time for work!  But first...I love this blog :)

I am tired once again!

Just getting ready to head home after a long days work.  It's very difficult training someone because it takes up a lot of my time that I could be working on something else.  I"d like to try to get in as early as I can tomorrow so that I can maybe get some work done on Camaraderie.  I have to get photo contest pictures up and running as well as picnic pictures.  I need to find a way to get Amira to help me with that.  I just don't have time to do it all. 

 

And now I leave because I tired!  OH!  Hera, Zeus' wife, called me to see what kind of movies and books I like.  Me thinks me's getting a gift for surgery :)  Who am I to say no to gifts, right?  Right!

 

 

Cago

There's part of me that wants to tell him about this blog and the other part knows I tell him anything that goes in here anyway.  I think I probalby won't tell him about this.  I'm not sure why I struggle so much with it.

Moses was insane

First:  Moses was insane.  Didn't anyone think it was weird that he was talking straight to God?  Come on...he's certifiable!

 

Second: Why the F are we having presentations involving the bible and Christianity at work?  Freedom of religion and all is great, but just because one person is all church, doesn't mean we all are.  For all they know I could be atheist.  Just because we're in the bible belt of this state doesn't mean everyone is effing christian.  I am christian, but I think scripture and prayer has absolutely no place in the office.  None.  Maybe I lived in Cali too long where people are very sensitive and tiptoe around religious talk - but I liked it like that.  I don't care to sit there and listen to verses from the bible.  Maybe most of my issue is that I think the bible is purely fiction, and these people think it's fucking historical documentation!  It's not!  Moses didn't climb up a mountain and receive stone tablets from "God"!  That never happened!  There was no Adam and Eve.  There was no Noah or an ark!  They are all stories and fables to teach people what is considered right and wrong. 

 

I guess that IS my issue.  I'm christian but don't believe in the bible and I think it's shit when people sit there and read from the bible like they're reading a speech made by President Ford.  President Ford really made speeches.  Moses didn't!

 

Whatever.  That meeting is the bane of my existence sometimes.  It's torture and I could be doing real work. 

Dear Hestia

You are not a designer.  Not even a little.  I fucking hate when people think they are the designers.  That's my fucking job.

 

Kiss my ass,

 

Brennan

Why bother?

I don't understand why people decline meetings on a day that the office is closed.  We all know the meeting isn't going to happen.  The meeting is scheduled to recur on every monday which is why it's on our calendars.  But why the hell bother declining the meeting?  I don't get that.  It pisses me off.  I guess everything is pissing me off today. 

 

I'm feeling overwhelmed with work and the pending surgery.  I am chickening out for the surgery.  I know I have to have it.  I get it.  But I dn't want it.  I want the time off of work, but I dn't want the pain or the depression that's going to come along with the surgery.  I don't want to deal with any of it at all.  I just don't want to deal today.  I'm still pissed about the charge for filling out disablility papers.  It's a total bullshit charge.  I don't even want to go to the office to drop the papers off.  But I have to.  I don't even have $15 to give them.  I guess I'll just bounce a fucking check. 

 

I hate money.  I hate everything today.

Dear Obama/Biden campaign

You're rich as hell.  Quit asking me for money. 

 

Sincerely,

 

Brennan

Dear Amira

Two letters for you today doesn't look good.  When I'm not hear, you have to figure things out on your fucking own.  Remember when I said I don't have time for babying today?  Well I STILL don't have time for it.  And don't fucking look at me like this work is beneath you.  This is what you do when you're an executive assistant.  If you want the responsibility, drop your fucking attitude and do the fucking job.

Dear Dr. Eraser of Hopes and Dreams

You're already ripping out my uterous.  You're a cold and unfeeling piece of shit.  Why the fuck are you charging me $15 to fill out forms?  It's bullshit.  Because the $80K you're getting for ripping everything out of me isn't enough.  Fuck you. 

 

Maybe I'll cancel surgery.  I don't want to have it.  Mom would be pissed but this isn't her fucking body.  This is my life.  Not anyone elses.  If she wants to be pissed go right the fuck ahead.  I don't care anymore.  I don't know if I can go through with this.

Dear Invisable Friends

I guess today is the day for letter writing.  I love my invisable friends!  You guys rock. 

 

Smootches!

 

Brennan

Dear Hundo

You annoy the hell out of me.  Just thought I'd share.

 

Love,

 

Brennan

Dear Clucker

You're a fucking idiot.

 

Love,

 

Brennan

Dear Amira

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and do your job.  Executives won't take it easy on you because you're sad or you have a headache or you're just having a bad day.  This is the last day I'm being nice.  I need you to do work!!  You're up here for that reason.  If you are not mentally ready to work up here, then maybe you need to stay down at the phones.  You're really bright and I hope that you just get over it this morning....I don't have time to baby anyone.

 

Love

 

Brennan

I am tickled

This has to just bite Clucker in the ass!  Gaius emailed me to ask for help on a talk and presentation he's doing.  This is a HUGE thing - both his talk and asking me for it.  Clucker will shit her panties.  She thinks that she's queen bee, but she isn't.  It will make her jealous and drive her insane that Gaius is asking me for help on something she should be capable of doing.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I love it.  It tickles me to no end.  I never said I was nice!

 

Cago should be back today.  I hope his vaca went well.  His wife is the bitch from hell...hence the name BFH.  I hope she behaved that that Cago was able to have a good time.

 

Florentina posted about getting Kasper out of jail.  She's got issues.  Seriously.  In her post she said some key things that are definitely troublesome.  She said "if WE can do.." whatever.  Whenever she talked about Kasper, it was WE.  Not him, not Kasper....WE.  This worries me.  She's taking on Kaspers problems as if they are her own.  She has bailed him out EVERY SINGLE TIME he's been in trouble.  He belongs in jail or rehab.  Rehab would be much better for him.  He needs counseling.  At this point, they all do.  Kapser as serioulsy fucked things up.  And Kasper is going to be required to hand over names of drug ring leaders - Florentina thinks that's no big deal.  If the ring leaders he names are big enough, their lives could be in danger!  She's fucking clueless.  I love her to pieces, but she apparently will have to learn the hard way that Kasper isn't done fucking up.  I give him 6 months before he's back in trouble again, and that's being nice.