it's such a catch 22

I don't want to sit around the house because I start thinking about mom and just burst into tears.  I want to go for a ride, but I know that will lead to more thinking of mom.  What's a girl to do.  oh!  i could look at what I thought was the cute neighbor.  he's not so cute!

ya know...

Hundo, Coach and Nudelo are perfectly capably of ordering their own pizza.  Why the fuck do I have to do it.  I fucking hate my job today.

and I'm jealous too

and feeling like I'm dumb and everyone else makes me feel useless.  YOu could say I let myself feel that way, but fuck that.  I'm blaming everyone else today. 

 

I need to learn CSS like NOW.  I don't have time for a learning curve.  I don't have time or patience to let Hestia or Tristan touch my project.  They've taken everything else from me, so I'm holding on to dear life for this project. 

 

Everything nice and peaceful and fun about my life is fucking gone.  All of it.  All that's left right now is depression, anger and frustration. 

I'm trying....

...to be in a better mood.  But people just irritate me.  I hate feeling like this.  Did exercise this morning, but not a lot.  Didn't help.  Should have stayed home.  I just want to be left alone. 

 

I'm Just irritated as hell.  Hestia is pissing me off.  And one of our big projects might not work out and that's very very bad news for the company.  But oh well.  Even if it does work out it's not like I get to do anything.  Hestia keeps me at arms length.  Ya know...just keep Tristan.  I don't even want to fucking talk to you anymore, Hestia. 

It's so frustrating...

...working with the limitations I am bound to at work.  I am redesinging our intranet.  I have this BEAUTIFUL design and was talking to someone else - I didn't think about how others would change their pages.  I opened it in front page - no go.  Everyday page "owners" would not be able to update their pages.  It'd look too confusing for them and they'd fuck it up in a heartbeat.  My immediate rationale - I'll make their changes.  And I'd love nothing more than to do that, but it won't happen.  I have too much to do and the intranet is a full time job.  Even the person who helps me now would fuck it up if I left it in this beautiful design I have.  Maybe I need to see how I can make this design work in a different format.  It just sucks because this one is SO EASY and perfect from a user standpoint.  Simple obvious and logical navigation is the key, and this has that very potential.  But because I am limited to Front Page, I cannot use this template.  I'm so pissed.  We can't afford dreamweaver for everyone and I don't have the time to train people on it anyway.  It just makes a difficult task even more difficult.  But I'm learning, so that's good.  It's just a very frustrating process. 

 

EVERYTHING is frustrating lately.  And that's....FRUSTRATING!!  I feel the need to stay here a while longer and try to figure out my intranet issues. 

OMG I HATE STUPID PEOPLE

Just thought I'd share.  Powerpoint is not an advanced degree type software.  Not at all.  Why are people so incapable of using it?  Good fucking lord.  I understand that I need to consider that it's not second nature to everyone like it is to me, but for fuxsake, it is NOT rocket science!.

it's official

I"m fucking frustrated and can't really figure out 100% why.  Oh well.  whatever.  nevermind.

Frustration abounds

Been a long frustrating day.  Figuring out how much the freelancer is making definitely turned out to be a massive demotivator.  Why should I do anything?  She's getting paid the price of three of me...let her do it and I'll just sit here and be the lowly assistant that everyone treats me like.  It's just so frustrating.  I ask and ask and ask and push just a little bit be included in more of the marketing planning/strategy meetings and Hestia REFUSES to include me.  I'ts not fair.  I want to learn!!  She's absolutely stalling my learning process and that's something that is valued at this company - or at least I thought it was and in other roles it most certainly is.  Just not in marketing.  The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that she is definitely threatened by my education.  Why else would she not let me learn?  I don't get it.  I'm not gunning for her job.  I just want to know how the process works here so I can apply it to future jobs.  I see ALL other directors, leaders, vp's doing sharing their knowledge - why should SHE be the exception?

As per my new normal

I'm feeling sick after eating.  What's the deal????  I guess I'll have to go to the dr.  Too bad I'm incapable of skipping meals.  I really feel sick.  Work is very stressful.  It's stressing me more than I knew it was.  Sitting in a meeting today hearing about FY10 made me feel sicker.  And as usual I immediatly think "call mom" - can't do that and I think that's bothering way more than I let myself realize. 

 

but if I can stop eating I'll lose weight.  Can't hurt, right?

I am doll parts

I'm sick of Hestia!!  But it's weird.  I get along fine with her and like her on a person level, most days.  But I seem to be fighting for control of things that aren't in my control.  Since day one she's had nothing to do with Quest marketing – it's been all me.  And now she's taking it over.  Tristan is back for 6 more weeks, so that's 6 weeks of me not doing work I want to do.  I like Tristan, I like the work she does.  It's absolute BS how much she gets paid when we get pay cuts.    I wonder what kind of fun salary surprises we get for FY10.  Anyway…I'm just pissed.  And cancelling meetings pisses me off too, especially when I'm not told until 5 minutes after the meeting starts. 

 

It's all BULL SHIT.