Give me patience to deal with your son Phelan. he's driving us all insane. You know how he gets. Everytime we say something that doesn't quite please him he storms off saying "I might as well go home". It's taking every ounce of will in me not to say "FUCKING LEAVE THEN". I know that's you working in me.
I can't believe your gone, mom. I just can't believe it. I don't want to. How the hell do I live without you? I don't have anyone to talk to outloud anymore. I didn't realize how much I talked to you or just how much I depended on you until you were gone.
Your last days are haunting my brain and I wish it'd stop. You were lying in the hospital bed twitching and rolling your eyes. I said "Open your eyes if you want me to stay" and you opened them really wide. But you did that anyway. But I can't help but sit here and wonder if we did the right thing. Were you aware of what was going on? You had to be so scared. It's more comforting to think you were already gone, but that one small reaction haunts me. I need it to go away. I need you to find a way to tell me that wasn't you asking me to stay...that it was your body doing fucked up things on its own. I need those images to go away....I can't deal with them.
