I'm seeking help for my anxiety issues. Mostly I just want to cut myself off from everyone and wait to die. Is that too much to ask? Probably.
I've come to the conclusion hat Turkana and I are never going to be friends. Try as I might, she will always fins a reason to resent me, and I will always have massive anxiety issues when it comes to her. I'm just always waiting for the next thing I say wrong or the next thing I say that gets taken the wrong way. I can't say I'd react differently than she had, but I'd at least take her explanations to heart. I explained myself. I apologized for the miscommunications. I can't control if she believes me, which she doesn't. I'm honest. Ask me a question and. Give you an answer. I'm not a liar. Words don't come out of me in he right order or what I meant to say is not what I actually said (I really need to proof read what I write more often). Maybe my brain is fucked up. Who knows. But I allowed that stressful conversation escalate my self hatred to a brand new level. I wanted to kill myself. Seriously. But I didn't. Obviously. I reached out where I could and I am going to get help. This is not caused by Turkana. Turkana was the straw that broke me. I have lots if other issues that trump a conversation in a thousand ways.
Once the month is done I can make my exit plans. By exit I mean moving....not dying! I'm moving to Ecuador. Just need to find a job. I'm also considering moving to Finland. Either one works fine by me.
