So....

I am cold.  It's freezing out.  But i'm not that cold I suppose.  I just want something to whine about.

 

I'm supposed to be writing content for the website, but I can't get my head into it.  I ahve some written, but not nearly enough.

Tell me to take a breath

Because people are pissing me off.  One person in particular.  TANNER.  GO FUCK YOURSELF.  You know how to do these changes and it is YOUR responsibility to do so...quit pushing your fucking work off on me. 

 

I'm just frustrated this afternoon.  I'll get over it pretty darn quick.  I have to. 

 

I was going to walk after work, but I don't really feel like it.  I don't remember why.

 

And I hate when the news idiots tell us there's this big damn storm coming and it never shows up.  I love storms so now I'm really disappointed. 

I am irritated, as usual

Many things are driving me insane today:

 

Amira.  She's just pissing me off, I guess.  She's not even trying to do something before asking me how.  TRY IT FIRST!  it's not like this is the first time I've asked her to do something like this.  It's a bi-weekly thing.  She's not stupid.  I don't know wtf her deal is, but it's pissing me off.  And as usual she's in a bad mood and doesn't feel good.  Save it.  I'm not in a good mood either and my ear feels like it's going to fall off, but I do my work.  I don't whine (outloud).  I get my fucking work done.  Take a cue from me!!

 

Tanner.  She knows how to do what needs to be done.   I know that doesn't make sense.  But she fucking grates on my goddamn nerves.  She needs pages added to the internal website.  She's 100% capable of doing that on her goddamn own.  What the fuck is the deal that she can't do it now?  Fuck you, Tanner.  Do it your fucking self. 

 

life.  you suck right now life.  Get your shit together.

 

Turlach.  He needs to decide what the fuck he's going to do so I can fucking plan accordingly. 

 

WTF...are my hormones not working anymore?  Happy pills not doing it?  I hate feeling so damn pissy all the time.  I irritate myself.  Brennan, you're a fucking bitch today.  Get the fuck over your mood and get to fucking work!  And while you're at it, find something to do at work other than email friends....get the fuck busy.

Monday, bloody Monday

Yes, I know the song is Sunday Bloody Sunday, but it's not Sunday.  It's bloody monday!  I hates Monday's precious.  Well...actually I don't hate them.  I'm just not getting into my job like I should.  I'm going to try harder, though.  I have to. 

 

more later

I have a fucking masters degree

I'll soon have two.  And I'm told to fucking clean someone elses fucking office.  This is fucking bullfuckingshit.

I can't function today

I haven't done shit and I feel really bad about that.  But I also want to leave early and am pissed that Zeus doesn't automatically say "sure".  it's a fucking hour, ass.  You don't need anything from me.  I am just so irritable right now.  I hate feeling like this.  Maybe I was supposed to have changed the patch?  i've lost track of the days.  I hate that stupid thing.  It sucks. 

 

I'm so so so tired today.  Turlach wants me to drive north.  That pisses me off but whatever.  I hate having his fucking dog in my car.  Speaking of hating dogs, we're going to live together again.  what the fuck.  i'll never be able to fucking live alone.  I don't want to live with him..  I hate his dog.  I hate everything right now.

Really....it's crackfic

I can't put the stupid books down.  I spent money on the third book that should have been spent on something more important...like GROCERIES or GAS to get to work!  But no...i get the third book.  I'll have to tell Turlach that someone here bought it for me.

 

I got an art magazine at work.  It has given me ideas for artwork for whereever I end up living - either with Turlach, on my own here, or on my own somewhere else...we'll see!

Where's my Edward?!

So I haven't been sleeping and not because i'm not tired.  I'm exhausted.  But these fucking books keep me awake!  i'm contemplating not buying the third (yeah right) just so I can get some sleep tonight!  Why do I like these books?  They are the eptiome of crackfic.

 

It's going to cost us 20-30K just to transport mom between the nursing home and the hospital.  I hate insurance.  Why pay for it if it won't cover everything.  WTF!

 

Work is irritating.

 

I just want to go read my book!  i'm pathetic.  2 more hours and I can go read in peace.  Ofcourse, I'm not sure if I have meetings this afternoon or not...so I should check that out.  I so want to just call in sick.  I'm tired.  I don't want to work.  I'm not motivated even a little. 

Would you like to know what pisses me off?

I'm sure you do!

 

What pisses me off is when Zeus goes to Hestia about a project I'm working on asking if it's done yet.  First, I am right here sitting in front of his office.  he could ask me.  Second, this means Hestia will get credit for the work I've done...as fucking usual.

 

What's my deal today!!  Other than being tired, that is.  i'm so fucking bitchy.  I hate feeling like this. 

i am fucking worried

I just heard a word said here that scares the hell out of me.  A word that means I might not have a job in a month or two. 

I am tired

First day back to work.  I'm already tired.  I have to decide what, if anything, I am going to do for lunch.  I know I should eat.  I am hungry.  But I don't feel like eating at all.  I just don't want to.  I don't want to be here.  The book sucks.  it's such horrible fan fic, but I can't put it down!  it's like that one story I read about Lauren and that guy and when the second story came out, it was lauren and some other guy I couldn't care less about if I tried! 

 

And where the hell is MY edward cullen anyway?  I don't think he exists. 

 

oh!  I haven't taken happy pills...maybe that's part of my lethargic feelings.  I dunno.  I wish I felt like eating.

It's Official

I'm obsessed with Edward Cullen.  it's sick really.  And in this ridiculous city I'm staying in THERE ARE NO COPIES OF THE DAMN SERIES ANYWHERE!!  I'm not a happy customer.  I hate this city anyway.  If it didn't have the best hospital in the state, I wouldn't come here ever again.  And after mom's fourth surgery, I'm never coming back.  I didn't even think these people could read.  Bunch of damn hillbillys.  Maybe they hire someone to read to them or even better...they bought it for their reading-able, non-hillbilly downstaters! 

 

No....i'm not obsessed.  I haven't read the book twice in 24 hours.  Shut up.  Nor have I considered who could be the edward cullen in my life.  Not for two seconds.  Nope.  Not me.  I'm just not that kind of girl.

 

I am leaving this shithole city tomorrow.  Begrudgingly, too.  I don't want to leave mom, but there's a bigass storm Sunday and I can't not work Monday.  Bleh.  Stupid responsibilities.  We hates them, precious!

I am pathetic

Years ago I was obsessed with this guy....we'll call him Dick Head.  Dick was not nice to me.  At the time he was 100% a lack of options obsession.  But I liked him.  Crush aside, we really were good friends and had a lot of fun together.  But he really led me on while talking crap about these other girls who were also obsessed with him.  And I don't even know why any of us liked him.  He was charming to a fault, but he's not that attractive and was a manwhore.  He was pretty mean to me and while I don't like to think about it, I know he talked shit about me and made fun of me behind my back.  he did that to everyone else, why would I be any different?  Anyway....I was looking at my friend Bonnie's facebook friend's list and there he is....Dick Head.  So what do I do?  I email the fucker.  And then I obsess about whether or not he'll email me back.  he did and he recognized me (I didn't say who I was...it has a fake name (I know you're shocked) and only my picture).  So now I'm obsessing again and I wish I wouldn't.  Again...lack of options.  But mostly I'd like to just figure out how to let all of that BS go.  I don't know if talking to him will make that any better or not, but I guess I"ll find out. 

 

And do you want to know what's funny?  Ofcourse you do!!  Shit.  I forgot!!!  LOL!!!  Maybe I'll remember in a bit. 

 

Mom's feeling awful tonight.  She's in a lot of pain and they haven't done anything about it yet.  I'm worried and getting pissed.

 

I'm reading Twilight.  I can't put the damn book down no matter how guilty I feel about how little work I've gotten done!!!

2009??

3.75 more hours until this dumbass year is done.  bleh.  I have a headache.  I'm a little cranky.  I don't want to go back to the city.  Not that I want to stay here, but I just want to be with mom. 

 

 

I am frustrated

I don't know why this webpage bs is giving me issues.  When I delete a text box thing, everything in a different frame deletes.  WHAT THE FUCK?  I'm getting pissed!

 

Dad went to the ER this morning.  He has vertigo.  I'm sure he had a panic attack.  He is not handling mom's illness very well. 

I am tired

The old man next door to mom was screaming, literally, for an hour and a half last night to go home.  I'm not convinced he knows where he is.  If I ever end up like that, just fucking shoot me.  I don't want to live confused and scared like he is.  Hell no.  just put me down, man!

Hey Turlach!

I can't pay my bills either.  I am not in the mood for your sob story.  I swear all he does is complain.  It's frustrating. 

 

I'm moving in March, I decided.  We'll see how that works out for me!

It's that time of year

Time for that damned new years resolution thing.  As of right now I know what two of my resolutions will be, and I shall tell no one but my invisable friends!

 

First - my yearly resolution of get healthier.  This year I think it is sinking in more than before. My mom is very large (I'm not far behind her).  Seeing what she has to go through just to roll over after her surgery is horrible.  I don't want that for myself.  I'm going to exercise for at least 30 minutes after work everyday.  I have to force myself to do it.  I have to remind myself of what mom is going through; of how many people it takes to move her up in bed and of how many people it takes to help her sit up and of how she's too heavy and weak to stand on one leg.  I can't let that happen to me.  She's in pain all the time from pressure on her joints.  My knees are aleady beginning to hurt.  I don't want replacements like the rest of the family has (though I don't know I have a choice in that! - stupid genetics).  So that's my thing.  I need to be healthier, lose weight, and get stronger.  I can't be a fatass forever.  I go through bouts of "who the fuck cares - I'm eating what I want".  Now it's not about outward appearances anymore.  It's about avoiding the humiliation my mom has to go through just to get cleaned up in the morning.  No thanks.  I am going to lose this damn weight.  I'm also going to talk to the dr about having some kind of gastric surgery.  That might help me along.  We'll see.  I don't think I really want to go that route.  ANyway...all of this starts when I go back to work.  I'm not telling anyone about it.  I'm just going to do it. 

 

Second - I'd like to dress more professional at work.  I'm so casual.  But I need to be less casual and show interest in my career path.  I want to be taken more seriously and I can't do that if I wear a tshirt and khaki's with tennis shoes to work.  Bleh.  I hate big girl shoes.  But I have to get over it and start dressing the role.  Some baseball player said "You win some, you lose some and some get rained out but you gotta suit up for them all".  I like that quote!

 

I'm not sure if I have more than that.  Save money, but that won't happen.  It's a nice thought but I'm getting a pay cut in January, so there'll be no saving money!  I'll try, but I won't stress myself out over it.

 

I'm starting school Feb 19.  I'm looking forward to it!!  I can't wait to buy my books and start classes.  I think I might see if I can take both classes at the same time.  The graduate seminar looks sinfully easy.  We'll see, though.  I'll call an advisor in January to see what their advice is. 

 

I have to get my butt in gear and move.  Once my student loans come in, I'll get a new place.  That'll be the ideal time for the first/last months rent thing.  I just need to figure out where I'm going to live.  And I think I should ask Zeus for his 100% honest opinion.  I don't want to sign a year long lease if the company is going to go out of business.  OH!  I totally forgot that I have that second job with orchids!  I need to call them.  That'll help financially but wow will I not have time for ANYTHING between two jobs and school.  Crazy!

I'm bored and still in the hospital with mom. So, I thought I'd blog about her whole terrible ongoing ordeal.

December 4:
Mom had extreme hip pain. It took her 45 minutes to walk 10 feet to the bathroom. Dad called the ambulance because there is no way she could have made it to the car. Ling Hospital sent her home with no pain medication and an obvious diagnosis of "Hmm...you have arthritis in your hip. Arthritis can cause pain, ya know!" Genius's. Ling hospital is the epicenter of brilliance.

Friday, December 5:
Turlach and I come home to find mom in horrible pain. She can't stand. She can't even scootch up in her chair to stand. She has urinated and deficated in her chair because she could not move. We called 911 again to get her to Ling Hospital. she was admitted and put on some IV stuff, but I don't know or remember what.

Saturday, December 6:
On my way to Ling Hospital I get a frantic call from Turlach saying that Ling H called them and that mom was having difficulty breathing, was agitated and confused. I got there and she looked scared out of her mind. Her heart beat was 130. Her respitory rate was 34 (normal is 16). They ran some blood tests to see if she's had a stroke, a heart attack, or whatever. The blood tests showed that she had a heart attack. She's moved to the critical care unit. Her vitals are much lower in the evening than in the morning. Just below normal, actually.

Sunday, December 7:
her vital signs drop. Blood pressure is 80/30, pulse is still 130 and respitory rate is still high. Kidneys are slowing down. She's transferred to Son Center where they discover she's in septic shock and dying. She's in the cardiac care unit. The cardiologist asks one of us to stay the night with her because he wasn't sure what would happen. I've been here ever since.

Monday, December 8:
Little improvement. Her heart rate and breating are under control, but her bp is still low. She has a staph infection in her blood which is what caused the sepsis, septic shock and heart attack. In the afternoon she's more alert, but still not really talking or making sense. She's sent for a ct scan of her hip to see if the staph infection is in her hip since that's where her pain is. After the scan, she's moved from cardiac care to intensive care.

Tuesday, December 9:
In the morning, she's much more alert and her vitals are crawling back up. In the afternoon, though, her vitals drop again and she's not really conscious, but not unconscious if that makes sense.

Wednesda, Dec 10:
The dr's decide that they need to operate on her hip to irrigate infection out. After surgery she is so much better! She has color in her face, she's talking and joking.

Thu Dec 11:
Her vitals drop again, but not as low as before. She's still just this side of kidney failure because of the sepsis and staph infection. Her BP is up and down throughout the day from 220/180 to 60/20.

Dec 12-14:
She makes improvements. She receives some physical therapy for her hip. She can sit in a chair comfortably. She can stand. Her kidneys improve and her bp stabelizes.

Mon, Dec 15:
Another hip surgery. This time is a partial replacement with antibiotic filled temporary cement fictures (ball and spacer). She spends 5 hours in recovery in extreme pain and confusion. She had no clue where she was and apparently there was yelling and screaming. i'm thankful I didn't have to hear that. Once she's back in her room she's doped up, but stable.

Wed, Dec 17:
She was transferred from ICU to Ortho.

Sat, December 20:
Her infection is improving. She's much more herself, but she's unable to move much because of the pain. The dr doesn't want her to bear any weight on her right leg, so she's mostly bed bound. In the evening, we notice that her urine is very dark and gets darker when she has a bowel movement. They send her urine in for testing.

Sun, Dec 21
When I wake up, she's in isolation. She has VRE (Vancomiacin Resistant Ecchsomething) which is typically caught by patients on antibiotics in an ICU environment. Her urine color doesn't improve.

Wed Dec 24
She is sent to have a barium enema test to see if she has a fistula - an abnormal connection and opening between the rectum and bladder - she does.

Christmas Day
Depressing, but we made the best of it. Dr's stopped in to say that they plan to do surgery to fix the fistula. We're not excited about that at all. Merry Christmas Mrs Dwyer - I'm going to cut your gut open.

Yesterday and today were very similar. She's doing alright. She's mostly herself, which is great. She's even bitchy and that's awesome. I was really getting sick of her being so polite. When she doesn't feel good, she gets over polite with the please and thank yous and oh my god what would I do without yous. And that's to strangers!! We're frustrated about surgery, but it'll really help her in the end. They can't do a full hip replacement (OH yeah...they are planning a full hip replacement once the staph infection is gone) until the VRE is under control. They can't get the VRE under control until the Fistula is gone. When they do the fistula they'll also repare her cystocele and rectocele. It'll be a big surgery, but she'll be so much better when she comes out of this.

She still has a very long frustrating road ahead of her. We're all exhausted. I get really tired and weepy sometimes but mostly I'm doing better than people give me credit for. People tell me I need to go home. I have no intention of going home! As long as I can stay here, I plan to do so. I'm not uncomfortable. it sucks wondering when the next shower will be, but I manage just fine. I'm not looking foward to going back to work next week. The thought of it stresses me out completely. But I can't stay up here forever. I just want mom to get into an extended care facility closer to Bally. Ideally she can get into one before Jan 5th, but ideal isn't real. So...we'll wait and see. She'll be fine!

She's seen 23 doctors so far and has had over 30 nurses care for her. Everyone here has been so completely wonderful! We couldn't ask for better care unless they had a magic wand that would make her instantly better!

I am depressed

Because there isn't enough shit going on in my family with mom so sick, dad's car died tonight.  So now he's going to take it to Turlach tomorrow (200 miles from home, 300 miles from the hospital) and pick up my car and drive back.  There's supposed to be a storm too.  wahoo.  AND....to boot, Turlach said he plans on spending christmas in his city working on their car.  That is the last straw for me.  Fucked up situation or not, you need to fucking be here for christmas.  you're being a fucked up drama queen about this.  Repairs can wait until next week.  Fuck that....Duar can do the repairs in Compton for that matter.  He's capable.  He knows mom and dad's situation.  Why create all of this fucking goddamn drama!  I'm fucking done with all of this bullshit.  I fucking hate drama.  I'm sick of this fucking hospital.

 

Oh...did I mention mom is now in isolation because she has antibiotic resistant ecoli?  yeah.  And because I'm a selfish bitch, I'm pissy about having to wear gloves all the fucking time.  And now they said I can't use her fucking bathroom.  So I have to go three floors down to wash up.  And forget washing my hair.  Can't have that.  This is fucking ridiculous.  My life...my family's life is so fucking fucked up and ridiculous.  This is not fucking fair.  What the fuck did we do to deserve this.  I'm fucking sick to death of people saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle"  Fuck that shit.  God has no part in this bullshit.  he didn't make the car break down and he sure as hell isn't going to fix it.  He didn't make mom get sick.  He isn't making her better. 

 

THIS ISN"T FUCKING FAIR.  None of it.  No christmas.  No bed.  No shower.  Family doesn't visit.  What the fuck?

 

fuck everyone.