It's so hard for me...

...to not be emotional.  Aunt Amira is in an AFC home and there's all kinds of drama.  There's alleged abuse and neglect....I don't know.  It's just a shitfilled situation. 

I'm mean

There's just no way around it.  I'm mean.  I read Phelan's letter to mom.  And while I know it was hard for him to write and it means so much to him, he really does have his own memories of the past - he remembers things as he wants to remember them, not as they actually happened.  I won't call him out on it.  But it kind of reinforces to me that he's either a pathological liar (and I don't mean that in a sarcastic way - I really think he believes the stories he tells) or there's just something else wrong in his head.  It makes me sad actually.  I think that's why he struggles so much between keeping a job, keeping relationships and getting along with others.  I wish he could go see a dr and get on something that would make him see the world in a normal way. 

 

I couldn't finish reading his letter.  not sure I ever will.  I can't even push myself to go back through my blog to read what I wrote the days after mom died.  I'd like to share that with a couple people but I'm not ready for that and neither are they. 

Got it

I know how I feel now.  Crap...it left me again.

 

I'm just stupid today I guess.  Inadequate but I think I just said that.

I am ...

I don't know what I am today.  Insufficient?  Underappreciated?  Not good enough?

 

why am I here of Hestia loves Ris so much?  WTF.  Fucking hire her already.  I don't want to fucking work with Hestia anyway.

This is not the way I'm wired

Everything and everyone runs late at my work.  We were supposed to have a brochure sent to the printer last Friday.  it's Wednesday and it's STILL not done.  They are constantly making changes and they just don't understand that this is not how it's supposed to work. 

 

I'm very very irritable today.  The boss's are on my nerves.  I miss my mom.  I don't feel good.  I'm so very depressed.  This just f'ing sucks.

 

How are you, my imaginary friends?

I hate stupidity

The way things are done at some organizations is fucking retarded. I'm pissed. Things should not be sofa king difficult.
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I don't want to be that person

Since mom died everyone has decided to confide in me and share with me all of their bad news. WTF? I can't handle this. I have my hands full with my own issues and grief right now. I'm not sure I'm willing to take more on. And this family friend informed me of some abuse going on. I don't quite know what to do about it. I'm encouraging her to tell her mom but I don't think she will. I did tell her I would talk to her mom if I thought she was in danger and I think she is. So I'll give her a couple opportunities to tell her mom and if she doesn't do it, I will.

Seriously though....I can't do this anymore!!! I just want to get through my shit.
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Dear Hundo

I don't give two shits about your JCD.  It is not my fault that you lost all of the pictures for the bios you did.  It is not my responsibility to find them for you so your JCD can be 'complete'.  Go f yourself.  Have a good day.

 

Hugs and kisses

So...

I'm doing my research paper for the class from hell.  And I'm not only under the gun, but the gun is loaded and someone has their finger on the trigger, and it's slowing being pointed at my temple.  I should have started this way earlier, but oh well.  I work well under pressure.  I know this. 

 

So what's my problem?  It's not coming together logically like I want it to.  So, I'm going to use my blog to just type nonsensical bullshit until I can wrap my brain abou what needs to be written.

 

I'm writing about how blogs, specifically corporate blogs, can influence brand loyalty.  There has been many studies to show how word of mouth (or, word of "mouse" as some publications call it (NYT, 2004)) on the internet can enhance sales for a company depending on what people say in their blogs.  Many bloggers (people who blog) will write product reviews they've had experience with, or personal reviews of companies based on products or services, or customer service.  what companies have paid advertising to do, bloggers do and with more effect. 

 

consumers who are internet savvy are beginning to expect more from companies.  They want to be able to communicate more with corporations.  This communication has typically come from managent through marketing and advertisement pieces to the consumer.  What about communication direct from company employees, or even the CEO's?  What can this do for a coporation? 

 

I guess at some point in the paper, I need to define brand.  I wish I hadn't used that term!  Anyway...

 

A brand is defined as a business or a specific product.  Brand loyalty is the behavior of individuals to repeated purchase the same products or products made by a particular company.  This behavior is motivated by trust (kim) among other factors.  Companies use marketing and advertising to help promote their products and convey a sense of trust to the consumer. 

 

____

 

wow...random memory while watching lost.  I can't remember the guy's name.  Chris, maybe.  anyway...I just watched the episode in Season two that ends with "Dad?" on the computer screen.  Chris came to my desk the day after that aired, peaked his head around the corner and said "Dad?" in his best kid voice.  Ha!  I forgot all about that.  And I forgot about him, too!  I had a HUGE crush on him.  He was engaged at the time.  I don't know if he ever married.  But the memory made me smile.  I have the heat up to 80 in the apartment and i'm still cold from standing outside thisa fternoon.  Oh!  I didn't mention that I locked my damn keys in my damn car and had to pay $45 for someone to get them out  That's not too bad.  Im' sure in LA it would have been more expensive. 

 

back to the paper

 

_____

 

This is where I need to find a connection from brand loyalty to corporate blogging.  And is what I'm doing the literature review or is it the introduction?  I think it's more lit review, so that means I still have to write the introduction.  But I need to finish the lit review as well.  O good lord...I don't think Im' going to finish in time.  This is bad bad news.

 

 

But I'm getting along ok in thepaper now that I've turned the TV off.  Probably should have done that hours ago.  My paperis SO not going to be the 50 pages it was supposed to be, but I might hit 15.  that's pushing it.  I need to get more wordy, but there just isn't that much to say.

Amira

You're killing me today, Amira.  I ask you for the same things over and over and over and you never ever get it right and you never remember to do specific tasks when they are due.  WTF. 

I've been doing homework for 12 hours

I think I can justify taking the rest of the night off.  maybe.  I feel like i'm....forgot what I was going to say because I decided to call my cousin mid sentence!  OH!  I feel like meeting wednesday's deadline isn't going to be such a problem.  I have little pieces of each section done.  I just need to flesh it out and I can do that on luches and after work this week.  Plus I'm taking wednesday off (I think) to finish the paper. 

 

Now...dinner.  I bought frozen stuff that's not so great and I have lots of crab meat and could have a sandwich...but I'm lazy and think I want fast food. We'll see. Because that's what I need...to get even fatter.

I've been pissed since 6:30 AM

Just thought I'd share. I hate people who are neither on time nor organized.
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I am a nerd!!!

So I'm doing research for a paper that's due too soon.  I found this very cool feature with the online library.  I can choose however many documents I want, save them to a "my records" folder thing and then I can have them send me pdfs of each article!  Dude...that's kickass.  YAY!  Saves me an assload of time  What will take an assload of time is reading all of these.  I'm contemplating haveing them all printed, but that's going to be HUNDREDS of pages.  We'll see.

Dear mom

What the fuck?  You, Bass's mom and now curtis's mom?  Everyone is fucking dying.  What the hell is happening!!  I feel like I am surrounded by death.  Make it stop already.

Dear Hestia

Fuck you.  Really.  just fuck you.  You've taken everything fun about my job and contracted it out to someone you feel fucking sorry for.  Now you want me to do the fucking data entry for it?  Fuck you.  Take your data entry and shove it up your skinnybitch ass. 

 

Love and kisses,

 

Brennan

 

 

Seriously, though.  WTF!  Today sucks my ass.  Yesterday sucked my ass.  I'm in a horrible mood.  i hate EVERYONE and EVERYTHING.  And fuck...I forgot my happy pills AND my hormones.  Fucking super.  maybe I should just call it a fucking day.

I am struggling

Between the complete depression I've fallen into, school, freelance and work, I feel like I'm drowning.  I think I need to quit school, but I really don't want to.  I can't quit work and I won't quit freelance as that's easy and fun money.  Something has to give because I'm just not making it right now.  I'm going to call the dr today. 

I HATE HIM

There's this asshole in my class.  We'll call him Brad because fuck being confidential.  I"m so fucking sick of Brad trying to be the teacher.  He can go fuck himself.  He pisses me the fuck off.  he's an asshole and is a fucking STUDENT not the fucking TEACHER>  GO FUCK YOURSELF BRAD!  I hated you in the last class and I hate you EVEN FUCKING MORE this class.  If I have another fucking class with him, I'll fucking quick school.

 

 

I am not smart

I should have gone through upromise to buy all the shit I bought recently to get a percentage towrads school.  Oh well.  next time, right?

 

Dad....oh my god.  He's so scattered.  We understand now why mom would get so frustrated with him.  I bet it's part of his parkinsons.  He can't keep on task often, and when he does it's some useless exercise in futility. 

 

I'm just frustrated today.  I probably need to eat. 

Dear mom

Please give everyone in this house some fucking prozac.  Everyone is bitchy, me included and it's pissing us all off, me included.  I feel bad because I used to love coming home but it was because I got to see you.  I love dad.  I love Turlach.  But this is a different place now without you and i don't like it.  The cigarette smoke.  The dogs.  The tempers.  This house feels different now.  I never thought being the only female in the family would feel so weird but it does.  I don't like it.  I don't think I like anything today.  I'm so sick of the smoke and the tempers and the emptiness.  I hate it.

 

And I wish everyone would stop driving me fucking insane. 

Well

It's been a bit since I've blogged.  I'm on an emotional roller coaster from hell as well as the schedule from hell!  I've been so busy betweek work, freelance and school that I don't have time to breathe.  Last night I took time to clean my lovely apartment, and I suddenly felt less stressed.  Funny how that works.  Tonight I'll do homework and freelance stuff. I wish I could call in sick for the day, but I'm already at work, so no such luck for me! 

 

Going up north to visit dad and Turlach this weekend.  It's very difficult going up north nowadays.  I used to love the ride and maybe I will again tomorrow.  Who knows.  OH!  Crap, that's what I was going to do at lunch was clean out my car.  Maybe after work?  Maybe still at lunch.  I can go home at lunch :)  Fun!

 

Nothing much to tell.  I'm still very sad.  I feel guilty for living my life when I think I should be sitting around grieving for mom.  It's still unfuckingbelievable to me that she's gone.  It sucks ass.  I'm going to start working on Thank You notes for the funeral.  ick.  I'm not looking forward to that at all.  But oh well.  The Aunties will help me get started.  I'll need more cards but I don't know how many yet.  Probably 300.  Stamps are going to be expensive. 

 

Ok.  I need to work.