It's been almost a year. I re-read my posts from after your death and have been crying my stupid eyes out for about a half hour. Crying feels good sometimes. When Im' tense, I look at your picture or I read those letters to force myself to cry.
I have dreamed about you a few times - dreams like you were here with me. You're in my dreams often, but only a few times did I feel it was a visit. The first one was powerful and I won't ever forget it. It was so hard to wake up and realize it was just a dream. You were missing. Dad found you and I was so relieved and thankful and happy. You were sitting in your chair wearing a pretty flower shirt you wore often. You looked so happy and healthy. You were smiling so beautiful. You told me you had so much energy and felt so good. You were telling me you were ok and how happy you were. I went to text my friends that you were back and then I woke up - completely devestated.
I think I'll always feel devestated and broken without you. It's so hard. And so many feelings and issues have come up since you died. I never considered being the only girl in the family. I never realized it would ever be an issue, but it is. The house feels so empty without you. I steal your chair when I'm home and I imagine you're hugging me. That chair has always felt like a hug, so I pretend, as I often do!
I don't like my life without you. Not at all. But I wouldn't ever want you to come back if it meant you were going to be sick. I don't think you would have ever been able to come home again. You would have been in a nursing home, depressed and sickly. I'd give anything to have a visit from you tonight.
Everytime I think about how much I miss you, I break all over again. that's the only way I can explain how it feels. I literally feel broken. I feel like my chest is torn apart and I just want to scream. I want to yell and kick. I want to punch someone. I won't do anything like that because it won't make any difference. I'll just have broken bones to whine about as I cry for you.
I'm going to find an opportunity to volunteer for a week every year after your anniversary. Ideally, I'd like to volunteer at an orphanage that Kenyatta volunteers at. I would find that so fulfilling. I can't have children. I don't see me getting married. I don't even see me being in a position to adopt, no matter how much I want to.
I miss you mom. I hate my life without you, but I keep living it for you.
