Amira

You're killing me today, Amira.  I ask you for the same things over and over and over and you never ever get it right and you never remember to do specific tasks when they are due.  WTF. 

I've been doing homework for 12 hours

I think I can justify taking the rest of the night off.  maybe.  I feel like i'm....forgot what I was going to say because I decided to call my cousin mid sentence!  OH!  I feel like meeting wednesday's deadline isn't going to be such a problem.  I have little pieces of each section done.  I just need to flesh it out and I can do that on luches and after work this week.  Plus I'm taking wednesday off (I think) to finish the paper. 

 

Now...dinner.  I bought frozen stuff that's not so great and I have lots of crab meat and could have a sandwich...but I'm lazy and think I want fast food. We'll see. Because that's what I need...to get even fatter.

I've been pissed since 6:30 AM

Just thought I'd share. I hate people who are neither on time nor organized.
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I am a nerd!!!

So I'm doing research for a paper that's due too soon.  I found this very cool feature with the online library.  I can choose however many documents I want, save them to a "my records" folder thing and then I can have them send me pdfs of each article!  Dude...that's kickass.  YAY!  Saves me an assload of time  What will take an assload of time is reading all of these.  I'm contemplating haveing them all printed, but that's going to be HUNDREDS of pages.  We'll see.

Dear mom

What the fuck?  You, Bass's mom and now curtis's mom?  Everyone is fucking dying.  What the hell is happening!!  I feel like I am surrounded by death.  Make it stop already.

Dear Hestia

Fuck you.  Really.  just fuck you.  You've taken everything fun about my job and contracted it out to someone you feel fucking sorry for.  Now you want me to do the fucking data entry for it?  Fuck you.  Take your data entry and shove it up your skinnybitch ass. 

 

Love and kisses,

 

Brennan

 

 

Seriously, though.  WTF!  Today sucks my ass.  Yesterday sucked my ass.  I'm in a horrible mood.  i hate EVERYONE and EVERYTHING.  And fuck...I forgot my happy pills AND my hormones.  Fucking super.  maybe I should just call it a fucking day.

I am struggling

Between the complete depression I've fallen into, school, freelance and work, I feel like I'm drowning.  I think I need to quit school, but I really don't want to.  I can't quit work and I won't quit freelance as that's easy and fun money.  Something has to give because I'm just not making it right now.  I'm going to call the dr today. 

I HATE HIM

There's this asshole in my class.  We'll call him Brad because fuck being confidential.  I"m so fucking sick of Brad trying to be the teacher.  He can go fuck himself.  He pisses me the fuck off.  he's an asshole and is a fucking STUDENT not the fucking TEACHER>  GO FUCK YOURSELF BRAD!  I hated you in the last class and I hate you EVEN FUCKING MORE this class.  If I have another fucking class with him, I'll fucking quick school.

 

 

I am not smart

I should have gone through upromise to buy all the shit I bought recently to get a percentage towrads school.  Oh well.  next time, right?

 

Dad....oh my god.  He's so scattered.  We understand now why mom would get so frustrated with him.  I bet it's part of his parkinsons.  He can't keep on task often, and when he does it's some useless exercise in futility. 

 

I'm just frustrated today.  I probably need to eat. 

Dear mom

Please give everyone in this house some fucking prozac.  Everyone is bitchy, me included and it's pissing us all off, me included.  I feel bad because I used to love coming home but it was because I got to see you.  I love dad.  I love Turlach.  But this is a different place now without you and i don't like it.  The cigarette smoke.  The dogs.  The tempers.  This house feels different now.  I never thought being the only female in the family would feel so weird but it does.  I don't like it.  I don't think I like anything today.  I'm so sick of the smoke and the tempers and the emptiness.  I hate it.

 

And I wish everyone would stop driving me fucking insane. 

Well

It's been a bit since I've blogged.  I'm on an emotional roller coaster from hell as well as the schedule from hell!  I've been so busy betweek work, freelance and school that I don't have time to breathe.  Last night I took time to clean my lovely apartment, and I suddenly felt less stressed.  Funny how that works.  Tonight I'll do homework and freelance stuff. I wish I could call in sick for the day, but I'm already at work, so no such luck for me! 

 

Going up north to visit dad and Turlach this weekend.  It's very difficult going up north nowadays.  I used to love the ride and maybe I will again tomorrow.  Who knows.  OH!  Crap, that's what I was going to do at lunch was clean out my car.  Maybe after work?  Maybe still at lunch.  I can go home at lunch :)  Fun!

 

Nothing much to tell.  I'm still very sad.  I feel guilty for living my life when I think I should be sitting around grieving for mom.  It's still unfuckingbelievable to me that she's gone.  It sucks ass.  I'm going to start working on Thank You notes for the funeral.  ick.  I'm not looking forward to that at all.  But oh well.  The Aunties will help me get started.  I'll need more cards but I don't know how many yet.  Probably 300.  Stamps are going to be expensive. 

 

Ok.  I need to work.

I love the new computer

But I'm scared to death of the new versions of Adobe CS.  I know my way around CS2 so well.  CS4 is killing me, but I've only used it for a few minutes.  I imagine it'll get better soon.  I wonder how accurate the color is on this monitor?  It seems accurate.

 

I just watched Burn After Reading.  Don't ever watch that movive.  What a piece of shit!  It was so stupid.  I absolutely hate it when movies are marketed one way and are so 100% not what they were marketed as.  I don't pay attention to reviews because they piss me off, but had I read reviews of this, I probably would have avoided it.  Seriously...one of the dumbest movies I've seen. 

 

I'm tired.  It's too early to be so tired.  I think I'm going to watch Bones in bed and probably go to sleep early.  I have a very busy day tomorrow.

 

SHIT.  I forgot to call my Aunties.  I keep meaning to call them but now it's late.  I wonder if it's too late to call.  I guess I'll find out.

Hello world, meet the new laptop

We'll call her MB for now. She's pretty!! Like a bronze color and so shiny and soft. I love her muchly!

Tomorrow is three weeks

Three weeks since mom died.  Today is an easier day than the last two, so far.  But it's early, so you never know what will set me off.  I slept much better last night which was nice.  I just miss mom so much.  I feel so sad and empty and everything is foreign. 

 

Finished my research paper for my dumbass class.  And all the classmates who I have truley learned to despise are in my next damn class.  Please shoot me now.  6 more weeks with these idiots might push me over the edge. 

I need help

I think I'll call some kind of counselor this week.  Over and over I run mom's last two days in my mind and I keep thinking there has to be something I could have done to help her.  What if she didn't want to die?  What if she knew what was going on?  What if she was in pain?  My mom is gone and I'm lost. 

today's song

Statue, by Low Millions

 

The weatherman says goodnight

the Empire State Building's turning off it's lights

the refrigerator stops

and suddenly it's quiet.

I never noticed the ceilings were so low

I never saw all the cracks on the window

I never saw myself as sentimental,

but here I go.

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the floor thinking about you

I talk to myself like the crazies do

otherwise I'm great, what about you?

Ain't nothing going on here but the rent

\I can't account for how my days are spent

I wanna draw the line between who I am

and who I invent.

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the floor thinking about you

I talk to myself like the crazies do

otherwise I'm great, what about you?

The weatherman says blue skies

but it's raining like the clouds all decided to cry,

and every time you hurt me I say

it's all right it's all right it's all right.

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the couch all day like cats do

waiting for the phone to ring, but it won't ring,

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the floor thinking about you

I talk to myself like the crazies do

otherwise I'm great, what about you?

 

-----------

 

This song makes me think about mom

I miss my mom

This is just such a fucking ridiculously unreal time in my life right now.  I have so much going on that should be making me content and happy.  But it doesn't mean shit to me right now.  My mom died.  It doesn't matter how many times I say it, it doesn't seem real.  I just can't belive it.  Maybe I need to talk to someone about it.  I keep myself busy so I don't have to deal with it.

 

I have these awful memories of her last two days.  Did I do something wrong?  Did I push her pain button one time too many?  Could this have been prevented?  Did she know we were there?  Did she hear me ask if she wanted me to say?  Did she really open her eyes wider when I asked that or was it just some involuntary reaction to her brain dying.  I want these questions gone and out of my head.  I can't even remember the sound of her voice or her laugh. 

 

I'm so incredibly sad.  I wouldn't say I'm depressed.  Just so sad and lost.  I don't know how, but the sun comes up everyday and I manage to get out of bed and go to work.  I manage to pretend to be ok at work.  I manage to get my work done and do my homework and exercise and look for more work.  But I don't know how I manage that.  I don't know how life goes on without her.  I don't want to know this reality.  I never wanted to know this.  She was my best friend.  I loved her more than anything in the whole world and she's gone.  Just like that...it was so fast.  I guess that all means I'm managing.  That's as good as it gets for me.  I'm managing.  I'm not happy about it.  I'll never be happy about it.  I wonder if I can ever be happy again, or will I just keep managing my empty life. 

Dear Phelan

I don't care about that guy.  I don't know him.  I'm sad he's sick, but really...don't care.  Grieving.  Our mother died.  I don't care to hear about other people who are dying.  I'm busy crying about my mom.  And by the way...dad didn't go to school with you so he doesn't know who Gerry hung out with.

Dear mama

Give me patience to deal with your son Phelan.  he's driving us all insane.  You know how he gets.  Everytime we say something that doesn't quite please him he storms off saying "I might as well go home".  It's taking every ounce of will in me not to say "FUCKING LEAVE THEN".  I know that's you working in me.

 

I can't believe your gone, mom.  I just can't believe it.  I don't want to.  How the hell do I live without you?  I don't have anyone to talk to outloud anymore.  I didn't realize how much I talked to you or just how much I depended on you until you were gone. 

 

Your last days are haunting my brain and I wish it'd stop.  You were lying in the hospital bed twitching and rolling your eyes.  I said "Open your eyes if you want me to stay" and you opened them really wide.  But you did that anyway.  But I can't help but sit here and wonder if we did the right thing.  Were you aware of what was going on?  You had to be so scared.  It's more comforting to think you were already gone, but that one small reaction haunts me.  I need it to go away.  I need you to find a way to tell me that wasn't you asking me to stay...that it was your body doing fucked up things on its own.  I need those images to go away....I can't deal with them. 

 

 

Why did you die, Mom

I can't fucking do this.  I'm sick of being polite to people.  I'm sick of people thinking they want to talk to me about you and that I really want to hear what they fucking have to say.  I don't want to go to your viewing tomorrow.  The only thing that'll push me there is dad.  And I swear to god and sonny jesus...I have no patience for the D cousins.  They have no fucking excuse to not have stopped by the house by now.  None.  I won't accept excuses.  I won't be polite.  I don't want their fucking consolation.  I want them to come in, say goodbye and leave five minutes later.  That's all the fucking time I have for them. 

 

Some moments are better than others.  We're able to remember you and smile.  Not sure how that's going to work out today.  I didn't approve your obit, but I just can't do it.  I just can't.  I know dad wanted me to write it, but it's so hard.  Writing it makes it so real.  I don't want reality yet.  I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare.