I Am ... not sure what I am

I know I"m brainless.  I can't really think or be productive today.  It's frustrating at the very least. 

 

I need to write a list of crap to show Amira.  I hope she can stay a few minutes late today incase we don't get to everything.

 

I need to start handing work over to Hestia and Amira. 

 

I need to clean my desk.

 

I need to chill out.

 

I need a nap.

 

I need names for a few new people who I dn't want to tag along at lunch today.  They are:  Tubal, Uzal, Babel.  I don't want them there.  They annoy me!

 

Ok.  Now that that's done, I can email Isda the new names :)  Isda is my friend :)

 

Ok.  Gotta work.

I have been violated!

It's been a very tough day today.  I went to the lunch function with Gaius.  To my relief, Zeus was there.  That made me feel more comfortable, as it was 100% not my type of gig.  Suits, waiters in tuxedo's, fine china, too much silverware....Give me mcdonald's on a paper plate with a paper towel for a napkin!  I'm good with that!  But the food was delicious.  The presentation went well.  It was nice talking to Gaius on a more personal level.  he's a nice guy!

 

The Dr's visit....now that was irritating.  I was late, because Gaius is chatty and coudln't get away until a little after 2.  My Dr's appt was 2:20 downtown.  We were across town.  So He had to take me back to my car across town and I had to speed back downtown to see Dr Mean.  Dr Mean decided to do a full exam, when I was told it'd only be a "check the lungs" kind of exam.  And by full exam, I mean a very unexpected dual pelvic rectal probe.  that was horrible and I feel vioated and gross and ouch. 

 

I'm tired.  I have a headache from hell.  I'm very grumpy.  I really just want to go to bed. 

 

He also told me that I can't eat anything after 6 on Saturday night.  WTF?!  I'm PISSED!  i'im already hungry thinking about having to go two days without food.  that's bullshit.  Whatever.  I had planned on making a big dinner saturday.  So much for that, I guess.  I told Dad i was going to make a late lunch/early dinner meal.  I'm just pissed about this whole situation, I guess. 

 

Surgery is at 12:30.  I just want it to be overwith. 

 

And now I'm off to Zeus and Hera's for dinner.  I hope I can get happy between here and there!

Dear Danny

I have a lot on my mind.  I understand your need to vent.  But I don't have the capacity to really listen to you now.  If you don't like your job, just quit it.  This showdown your having with noodle is childish.  I am sick of hearing about it.  I care about you as a friend, but I really don't care about this situation!  I just don't.  I just want to do my job.  That's all! 

 

Truly

 

Brennan

 

 

Seriously, though.  No one is letting me do my damn job.  I have Gaius wanting all this time.  Zeus has a lot of things that need to get done and I can't get around to showing Amira the what and where.  But I have one hour right now to give her 4 hours worth of work.  Wish me luck, invisable friends!

I Am Overwhelmed today

I have lots and lots to do.  Working with Gaius until 2 is going to kill me.  Then at 2, I have to go to the dr.  Somewhere in there I have to clean, find documents, get work done and be done in time to have dinner with Zeus and Hera. 

 

I have a sore throat this morning and taht's making me nervous for Monday's surgery.  I go see the doc today.  maybe he'll give me precautionary antibiotics.  I can't afford to get sick before surgery. 

 

Um.....that's it for now.  I don't have time to be profound :)

Dear Amira

Remember when i told you that it doesn't matter how you feel?  That exec's don't give two shits how much pain your in and that they just want their work done?  that hasn't changed today.  Put on your happy face because I don't have time or patience for attitudes.  You're be given a huge opportunity. 

I am fucked in the head

I rebelled this morning and came in late....7:30 AM!  Bad bad me!  And now I'm feeling guilty because I think I'm going to go home 'early'.....5:00 PM.  What's wrong with me!  I think I am officially mentally checked out.  I'm exhausted.  My brain isn't on.  I'm not doing anything except chit chatting with Zeus.  Hades is a few offices down from me.  he was fishing again for information.  He's making his rounds, so I think he'll be coming to bug me in a few minutes if I don't run away. 

Two letters today

Dear Ilo

 

If someone wants to use it, there isn't much that I can do to stop them.  I can make it more difficult, yes, but that definitely won't stop anyone from using it.  Go fuck yourself and leave me the fuck alone.

 

 

Dear Meroz,

 

You are polite and you act innocent, but I see right through you.  I don't trust you.  Stutulo!

 

 

I Am Fine? Not really....

Gaius has asked me to come to a presentation he's doing on Thursday.  It's an honor, really.  He's trusting me with more work and knows how capable I am.  Those are good things.  however, his fucking assistant, Clucker, is the one who should be doing this BS.  NOT ME!  First, I don't have fucking time.  I have a gazillion things to get done before Friday.  Gaius has probably forgotten that Friday is my last day.  Or he hasn't and doesn't give a shit.  And I don't mean that in a Gaius is not compassionate way.  I mean that in a Gaius is Gaius and he gets his way kind of way.  We don't say no to him.  Ever.  I was supposed to go Thursday afternoon with Zeus to take pictures around Olympus, but now that I'll be out hanging with Gaius, that's not a very likely scenario.  I'd so much rather take pictures with Zeus!  Maybe we will still do that.  Hard to tell.  I'm having dinner with Zeus and Hera tomorrow night.  I love Hera!  She's awesome.  But what all that means is that if Zeus and I do spend the afternoon photographing the city, I have to get EVERYTHING done tonight.  I'm going to be here until kingdom come! 

 

Hestia needs me to finish posters for her this morning, too.  Oh happy day.  We have big wigs from DC coming in to tour our plants.  Finishing the posters is no big deal.  it's going to be getting them on the boards that will be difficult.  Plus I hate going to WP.  It's awkward and I'm shy.  Yes...I'm shy!  I know you don't believe me, invisable friends, but I am totally shy.  Plus JJ works there and I have a crush on him.  He's totally not my type. He's shorter than me, balding and blonde - but oh my god if he's not the nicest guy ever.  I just really like the guy.  And when I like a guy, I have absolutely nothing to say - I'm more shy than ever in that circumstance.  Woe is me.

 

I guess I'm just concerned that the Gaius stuff is going to turn into something I can't do.  not that I can't...I can, but I don't want to be seen as an assistant anymore.  I'm not a damn assistant.  Maybe he sees me differently?  I hope so.   I"m honored but worried this will turn into something overwhelming.

 

Ok.  I guess I'll get going on posters, printing, cutting and pasting.  Hestia needs some kind of assurance that things are totally under control.

 

El Diablo

El Diablo asked where I was going on vacation for 8 weeks.  Zeus laughed his ass off!!  Vacation? Whatever.

 

Today I have lots of pain, but have been productive despite it.  I'm going to make an appointment for glasses.  Maybe I can get them back by Friday?  not likely.  I guess I'll have to ask whatever place I go to and also ask them if someone else can pick up my glasses for me and I can come back and adjust them later.

Are you kidding me??

Outlook has opened and closed on its own three times now.  I'm TRYING TO WORK!

I Am Fucked

I totally forgot about car insurance coming out of my checking account tomorrow.  There'll be no money there.  I'm completely fucked.  Oh well.  That's my fault.  Who needed money anyway?

 

Came to work in a panic and it will probably be like that all week.  I'm already sick of people asking me how I feel or saying with excitment "Your Last Week!"  I'm not taking a sabbatical or vacation.  I'm having my insides ripped out of me.  This isn't like going to a spa or getting a peticure.  Go Fuck Yourselves!

 

Maybe I do need happy pills afterall?

Turlach and I are getting matching tattoos. We're scorpio's. I designed this today and we both dig it. We wanted fish, but this I think is more meaningful. What do you think, invisable friends? Thoughts? Comments? Beuller?

I almost forgot!

Turlach insists on buying me a weapon when he moves away. We looked at some today. I hope he's not serious. I won't ever use it and definitely don't want it. But it's a good investment. If I get broke then I can sell it and have the cash!

Every year I watch bits and pieces of the Jerry Lewis Telethon. My Uncle Shrimate had ALS (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), often referred to as "Lou Gehrig's Disease," a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord) and died of it many years ago - 21 to be exact. He died July 23, 1987. When I was little I remember calling and donating $5 to the campaign. I don't recall paying the $5, but I'm sure the parents did. I was little! Anyway...Every year I tune in. I'm a little irritated that dad has the remote and has changed the channel to stupid SciFi. I'd like him to switch back and forth, but asking him to do anything is a challenge sometimes.

The stories make me teary. I'm not sure I can tolerate it this year. I'm emotional enough as it is.

The famdamily came over tonight and they wanted to talk about the surgery. I really don't care to talk about it or to hear how fine they think I should be with it. Addi and Adina are twins. Aunt Addi couldn't be here, but that story is a little later. Aunt Adina and Uncle Rajeev are sweet. Uncle Rajeev drives me crazy though. We're both amateur photographers, though I'm more on the professional side. I feel our talents are equal though our styles are very different. There was this weird uglyass catepilar type thing on the deck and I wanted to take pictures. I took a ton, because the more the better is my philosophy. More of a chance of that perfect shot. Rajeev is all "I could have gotten that shot in 8". Whatever, old man! My shot would have been way better. Then Uncle Zart and Aunt Zwartha showed up. Aunt Zwartha is all "we've all been there, Brennan". What? You have four kids! Aunt Adina said "Zwartha, you haven't been there. She's too young". At least Aunt Adina has my back. THEN....Assburger and Adfwyn showed up. Assburger has, I think, Aspbergers disease (one of several autism spectrum disorders (ASD) characterized by difficulties in social interaction and by restricted, stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests and activities). All he can talk about is work, cars and stereo's. Adfwyn is going to school to be a nurse, so she knew ALL about my surgery and what drugs I can expect and the incision that was likely (she was wrong) and so on. Just like her mother in law, Zwartha, she knows everything. Later, Uncle Bearach and Aunt Kruhur came. Bearach is highlarious! Kruhur knows just about as much as Zwartha and Adfwyn.

Anyway....I think the way they all acted around me was a taste of what I can expect this week at work. I hope not, but I do think it's how it'll go. I'm not looking forward to it. But if people will just leave me alone and let me do my work, no one will need to die.

I've been texting with Kemah tonight. I would love to move in with her. We get along so well and have so much fun together. I miss her dearly. I think I"m just itching to move. Nivere moved to a new city not far from Kemah this weekend. I don't want to live with her, but she gets to live in this hot luxury apartment and work for a wealthy company. It's not fair, but whatever. Life gives me what it does and there's nothing I can do to change it.

I guess I could stop typing now. I'm bored yet prolific as hell, apparently.

Sunday's are stupid

I've never been a real fan of Sunday.  Typically Sunday means it's time to think about work again and Monday's at work suck.  But tomorrow is Labor Day.  This particular Sunday isn't too bad.  We're having the elders over for brisket.  I may or may not work.  If I don't do a few things I'll be working 203948 hours this week, but I might be ok with that just so I don't have to bother this weekend. 

Sunday's are for watching Sunday Morning - or, as Mike Doughty calls it "Old White Guy TV".  That's not the only old white guy tv and I know that.  But I love watching Sunday Morning.  There are always fascinating stories.  My favorites are the pieces about small town America or weird festivals.  Today they did a thing on the Burning Man Festival.  Now I want to go to that!!  I probably won't ever unless I become a real photographer.  But still.  I just really like watching it.

One bad thing about Sunday's at the 'rents - church.  I rarely go and they always make me feel guilty about it - not in a blatant way but in that "Oh, that's ok" in the best ho-hum Eyore voice they can muster.  Today mom really wanted me to go so the priest could annoint me before surgery.  She implied yesterday that I don't believe in that sacrament.  I don't not believe in it, but I don't believe in it the way she does.  Mostly I'm just not comfortable with that kind of attention.  We'd have to sit around after mass and TT would want to get it done right away while people are still milling about so he can go to CTown with his "friend".  And the people milling around would be curious.  Mom and dad will be quick to say "She's having a hysterectomy next week" which quite frankly is non of anyone's goddamn business.  I'm sick of people giving me that "I pity you" look.  I want to slap it off of their face!  Is that mean?  Don't really care if it is - it's the truth.  I don't want their pity.  I don't want any more attention than I'm already getting.  This isn't a vacation I'm about to take.

And I thought about going on a rant about religion, but I don't have time.  Turlach is anxious to get cleaning, as am I.  I just want to get it done so we can enjoy the day.  Mom and I will likely take a ride around the outskirts of town and maybe the lake, if I have my way.  I'd like to also think about taking a walk around town taking pictures of older buildings like The Tree, The Green, The Ghetto - I'm not sure what.  Maybe I should do some quick research about cool places in the area that I feel need to be photographed.  I might be sick of landscape photography - I want to do architecture now!

Good day to you, invisable friends!  I'm sure you'll hear from me later :)

-Brennan 

And now deep thoughts...

Not really that deep today, but I liked the title!

Today I have been reminded for hours why I am having surgery. Maybe the pain medication I'd been taking had residual effects. I didn't need it often. Actually there were many days I didn't need anything at all. But now that I've been off of them for a few days (surgical requirement instituted by Nazi's, I'm sure) I've had horrible pain all day. THIS is why I'm having a hysterectomy. I shouldn't have to live with pain all the time. And today...it's easily a 7 on the pain scale and a 12 on the annoying scale. It's been nice though. The fam is letting me be lazy and lay in bed and be antisocial. It's fantastic. I'm going to go down and be social so I don't look like a asshole, but for the most part, it's been a great day. I worked really hard all week and deserve this break.

I've been reading various blogs ranging from random people to designers to blogging about blogs. I have said a few times I want this blog to be more than my rant page. I don't know exactly what it'll be or what it will lead to, but I have thoughts and plans on that! I was looking at picasa to store my photography online, but they don't offer enough space. Shutterfly is supposedly limitless. I'm about to test them with my 400 gigs of pictures. Actually they won't ALL go on there because I'm sure there isn't an online photo storage place that will take my raw files, but I can at least have jpgs stored somewhere other than my portable drive. I am very nervous about only having one copy of all of my photography. I've gone WAY past using DVD's at this point to back them up. I'll need 100 dvd's to do that! I can probably go between dvd's and cd's if I back up by date or subject matter. But that takes time. I do, however, have two months of free time heading my way in a week, so maybe that'll be a project for me. Zeus suggested that. He told me to not work, not worry about work, and to spend time reading, watching movies and sorting my pictures (he knows that'll be fun and relaxing for me).

It's interesting...having worked with Zeus for two+ years now how well he knows me and how well I know him. It's kinda cool. We have this sort of brother/sister type of relationship. We're protective of each other professionally and personally. Only, he doesn't quite have my back financially, and I guess I need to get over that. I won't get the raise I want, I'm sure. And I know I won't hear about it until the week of November 10th - and that better be one of the first things we discuss!

I was looking today at my materials for applying for the MBA program. I need to write an essay about why I want the MBA,why B University should take me on and why I want to go through their program. I'll have to think about that, I guess. I'm competitive - Amiko is starting her MBA next week. I can't let her have an MBA when I don't have one. I have a Masters degree in media design already, but I want another one. To be honest, I want a PhD, but I feel it'd be useless to have one because I still don't think I want to teach. I have moments when I do, but for now, I'm too into design to let that go. Anyway...I need to figure out why I want my MBA and why B University is the place for me to go. Telling them their program was the cheapest MBA Marketing degree I could find probably won't work. We'll see, though. I'll dream up some BS! I wrote an essay for Turlach years ago and the comment from his teach was "you'll make a great automotive service writer!" LOL! No I wouldn't. I don't know shit about automotive. But the point of that is I'm a good writer when I put my mind to it.

My blogs don't prove that. Neither does my photography. Not that photography has anything to do with writing! Zeus said something to me yesterday that made me think. We were looking at pictures from the photo contest and he showed me his favorite and was shocked that I had taken the picture. He said that my photography is great, but that this style wasn't like anything he had seen from me and that it was probably my best work. I told him that anything else he's seen from me was point and shoot. When I take my time, put my mind to it and look for that right shot, my style and results are much different. And the same is true for my writing. My entries so far are very "point and shoot" oriented. There's no real thought or effort behind them, and that's what I'd like to change. We'll see if I can follow through. That's one of my biggest flaws. I'm a terrible follow through-er.

My Replacement

Amira has been doing great this week!  Though she has frustrated me a couple times, she's really pulled through.  I could NOT have gotten anything done without her this week.  YAY AMIRIA!

 

I'm very hopeful that I can leave early.  The meeting with Gaius went as I expected other than not having to give him all of my changes until tonight.  That was helpful. 

 

Maybe I can be more profound in my writing this weekend.  I just don't have the brain power right now!

Barack Obama...

...emails me more than my mother does!!!  His campaign is quite prolific. 

 

Busy busy today.  In at 6:30 and my goal is to leave around 3.  We'll see if that really happens.  A girl can always dream, right?

I am sorely disappointed

I don't think I'm getting the level raise I want and need.  Hestia and Zeus met.  Zeus told Hestia he didn't understand why I want an MBA - I don't need it to be an assistant.  WHAT THE FUCK?!  Hestia told him I don't want to be an assistant.  But I know just where I stand with Zeus.  I'll never be anything but an assistant to him.  I'm so disappointed and sad.  I really love the company I work for.  it's the first job i've been proud of and employer i've been proud of, too.  I get to do great things, but I dont' fucking get paid for them nor do I get recognition for them.  I have to move on.  it sucks.  It's not even about looking for greener pastures.  It's really just about survival now.  I can't afford to work here.  I'm so fucking disappointed. 

 

I'm so tired, too.  Ii'm not getting out of here anytime soon, either. 

OK

Mental breakdown #1 of the day is over, but there'll be more.  I do think I'll be here until 10.  I HAVE to get all of the picture projects finished TODAY.  I can't put it off.  I have to work on Gaius' shit.  I have to work on Zeus' calendar.  I'm sick of people.  Ugh. Kys is here - I hate her.  She drives me nuts.  I'm irritable.  I'm tired.  I just want to go home.  But I can't.

 

And how dare she interrupt Hestia's interivew.  That's bullshit.

 

Anyway....Amira is needy.  I don't fucking have time.