ya know...

Hundo, Coach and Nudelo are perfectly capably of ordering their own pizza.  Why the fuck do I have to do it.  I fucking hate my job today.

and I'm jealous too

and feeling like I'm dumb and everyone else makes me feel useless.  YOu could say I let myself feel that way, but fuck that.  I'm blaming everyone else today. 

 

I need to learn CSS like NOW.  I don't have time for a learning curve.  I don't have time or patience to let Hestia or Tristan touch my project.  They've taken everything else from me, so I'm holding on to dear life for this project. 

 

Everything nice and peaceful and fun about my life is fucking gone.  All of it.  All that's left right now is depression, anger and frustration. 

I'm trying....

...to be in a better mood.  But people just irritate me.  I hate feeling like this.  Did exercise this morning, but not a lot.  Didn't help.  Should have stayed home.  I just want to be left alone. 

 

I'm Just irritated as hell.  Hestia is pissing me off.  And one of our big projects might not work out and that's very very bad news for the company.  But oh well.  Even if it does work out it's not like I get to do anything.  Hestia keeps me at arms length.  Ya know...just keep Tristan.  I don't even want to fucking talk to you anymore, Hestia. 

It's so frustrating...

...working with the limitations I am bound to at work.  I am redesinging our intranet.  I have this BEAUTIFUL design and was talking to someone else - I didn't think about how others would change their pages.  I opened it in front page - no go.  Everyday page "owners" would not be able to update their pages.  It'd look too confusing for them and they'd fuck it up in a heartbeat.  My immediate rationale - I'll make their changes.  And I'd love nothing more than to do that, but it won't happen.  I have too much to do and the intranet is a full time job.  Even the person who helps me now would fuck it up if I left it in this beautiful design I have.  Maybe I need to see how I can make this design work in a different format.  It just sucks because this one is SO EASY and perfect from a user standpoint.  Simple obvious and logical navigation is the key, and this has that very potential.  But because I am limited to Front Page, I cannot use this template.  I'm so pissed.  We can't afford dreamweaver for everyone and I don't have the time to train people on it anyway.  It just makes a difficult task even more difficult.  But I'm learning, so that's good.  It's just a very frustrating process. 

 

EVERYTHING is frustrating lately.  And that's....FRUSTRATING!!  I feel the need to stay here a while longer and try to figure out my intranet issues. 

OMG I HATE STUPID PEOPLE

Just thought I'd share.  Powerpoint is not an advanced degree type software.  Not at all.  Why are people so incapable of using it?  Good fucking lord.  I understand that I need to consider that it's not second nature to everyone like it is to me, but for fuxsake, it is NOT rocket science!.

it's official

I"m fucking frustrated and can't really figure out 100% why.  Oh well.  whatever.  nevermind.

Frustration abounds

Been a long frustrating day.  Figuring out how much the freelancer is making definitely turned out to be a massive demotivator.  Why should I do anything?  She's getting paid the price of three of me...let her do it and I'll just sit here and be the lowly assistant that everyone treats me like.  It's just so frustrating.  I ask and ask and ask and push just a little bit be included in more of the marketing planning/strategy meetings and Hestia REFUSES to include me.  I'ts not fair.  I want to learn!!  She's absolutely stalling my learning process and that's something that is valued at this company - or at least I thought it was and in other roles it most certainly is.  Just not in marketing.  The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that she is definitely threatened by my education.  Why else would she not let me learn?  I don't get it.  I'm not gunning for her job.  I just want to know how the process works here so I can apply it to future jobs.  I see ALL other directors, leaders, vp's doing sharing their knowledge - why should SHE be the exception?

As per my new normal

I'm feeling sick after eating.  What's the deal????  I guess I'll have to go to the dr.  Too bad I'm incapable of skipping meals.  I really feel sick.  Work is very stressful.  It's stressing me more than I knew it was.  Sitting in a meeting today hearing about FY10 made me feel sicker.  And as usual I immediatly think "call mom" - can't do that and I think that's bothering way more than I let myself realize. 

 

but if I can stop eating I'll lose weight.  Can't hurt, right?

I am doll parts

I'm sick of Hestia!!  But it's weird.  I get along fine with her and like her on a person level, most days.  But I seem to be fighting for control of things that aren't in my control.  Since day one she's had nothing to do with Quest marketing – it's been all me.  And now she's taking it over.  Tristan is back for 6 more weeks, so that's 6 weeks of me not doing work I want to do.  I like Tristan, I like the work she does.  It's absolute BS how much she gets paid when we get pay cuts.    I wonder what kind of fun salary surprises we get for FY10.  Anyway…I'm just pissed.  And cancelling meetings pisses me off too, especially when I'm not told until 5 minutes after the meeting starts. 

 

It's all BULL SHIT.

 

 

It's so hard for me...

...to not be emotional.  Aunt Amira is in an AFC home and there's all kinds of drama.  There's alleged abuse and neglect....I don't know.  It's just a shitfilled situation. 

I'm mean

There's just no way around it.  I'm mean.  I read Phelan's letter to mom.  And while I know it was hard for him to write and it means so much to him, he really does have his own memories of the past - he remembers things as he wants to remember them, not as they actually happened.  I won't call him out on it.  But it kind of reinforces to me that he's either a pathological liar (and I don't mean that in a sarcastic way - I really think he believes the stories he tells) or there's just something else wrong in his head.  It makes me sad actually.  I think that's why he struggles so much between keeping a job, keeping relationships and getting along with others.  I wish he could go see a dr and get on something that would make him see the world in a normal way. 

 

I couldn't finish reading his letter.  not sure I ever will.  I can't even push myself to go back through my blog to read what I wrote the days after mom died.  I'd like to share that with a couple people but I'm not ready for that and neither are they. 

Got it

I know how I feel now.  Crap...it left me again.

 

I'm just stupid today I guess.  Inadequate but I think I just said that.

I am ...

I don't know what I am today.  Insufficient?  Underappreciated?  Not good enough?

 

why am I here of Hestia loves Ris so much?  WTF.  Fucking hire her already.  I don't want to fucking work with Hestia anyway.

This is not the way I'm wired

Everything and everyone runs late at my work.  We were supposed to have a brochure sent to the printer last Friday.  it's Wednesday and it's STILL not done.  They are constantly making changes and they just don't understand that this is not how it's supposed to work. 

 

I'm very very irritable today.  The boss's are on my nerves.  I miss my mom.  I don't feel good.  I'm so very depressed.  This just f'ing sucks.

 

How are you, my imaginary friends?

I hate stupidity

The way things are done at some organizations is fucking retarded. I'm pissed. Things should not be sofa king difficult.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

I don't want to be that person

Since mom died everyone has decided to confide in me and share with me all of their bad news. WTF? I can't handle this. I have my hands full with my own issues and grief right now. I'm not sure I'm willing to take more on. And this family friend informed me of some abuse going on. I don't quite know what to do about it. I'm encouraging her to tell her mom but I don't think she will. I did tell her I would talk to her mom if I thought she was in danger and I think she is. So I'll give her a couple opportunities to tell her mom and if she doesn't do it, I will.

Seriously though....I can't do this anymore!!! I just want to get through my shit.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

Dear Hundo

I don't give two shits about your JCD.  It is not my fault that you lost all of the pictures for the bios you did.  It is not my responsibility to find them for you so your JCD can be 'complete'.  Go f yourself.  Have a good day.

 

Hugs and kisses

So...

I'm doing my research paper for the class from hell.  And I'm not only under the gun, but the gun is loaded and someone has their finger on the trigger, and it's slowing being pointed at my temple.  I should have started this way earlier, but oh well.  I work well under pressure.  I know this. 

 

So what's my problem?  It's not coming together logically like I want it to.  So, I'm going to use my blog to just type nonsensical bullshit until I can wrap my brain abou what needs to be written.

 

I'm writing about how blogs, specifically corporate blogs, can influence brand loyalty.  There has been many studies to show how word of mouth (or, word of "mouse" as some publications call it (NYT, 2004)) on the internet can enhance sales for a company depending on what people say in their blogs.  Many bloggers (people who blog) will write product reviews they've had experience with, or personal reviews of companies based on products or services, or customer service.  what companies have paid advertising to do, bloggers do and with more effect. 

 

consumers who are internet savvy are beginning to expect more from companies.  They want to be able to communicate more with corporations.  This communication has typically come from managent through marketing and advertisement pieces to the consumer.  What about communication direct from company employees, or even the CEO's?  What can this do for a coporation? 

 

I guess at some point in the paper, I need to define brand.  I wish I hadn't used that term!  Anyway...

 

A brand is defined as a business or a specific product.  Brand loyalty is the behavior of individuals to repeated purchase the same products or products made by a particular company.  This behavior is motivated by trust (kim) among other factors.  Companies use marketing and advertising to help promote their products and convey a sense of trust to the consumer. 

 

____

 

wow...random memory while watching lost.  I can't remember the guy's name.  Chris, maybe.  anyway...I just watched the episode in Season two that ends with "Dad?" on the computer screen.  Chris came to my desk the day after that aired, peaked his head around the corner and said "Dad?" in his best kid voice.  Ha!  I forgot all about that.  And I forgot about him, too!  I had a HUGE crush on him.  He was engaged at the time.  I don't know if he ever married.  But the memory made me smile.  I have the heat up to 80 in the apartment and i'm still cold from standing outside thisa fternoon.  Oh!  I didn't mention that I locked my damn keys in my damn car and had to pay $45 for someone to get them out  That's not too bad.  Im' sure in LA it would have been more expensive. 

 

back to the paper

 

_____

 

This is where I need to find a connection from brand loyalty to corporate blogging.  And is what I'm doing the literature review or is it the introduction?  I think it's more lit review, so that means I still have to write the introduction.  But I need to finish the lit review as well.  O good lord...I don't think Im' going to finish in time.  This is bad bad news.

 

 

But I'm getting along ok in thepaper now that I've turned the TV off.  Probably should have done that hours ago.  My paperis SO not going to be the 50 pages it was supposed to be, but I might hit 15.  that's pushing it.  I need to get more wordy, but there just isn't that much to say.

Amira

You're killing me today, Amira.  I ask you for the same things over and over and over and you never ever get it right and you never remember to do specific tasks when they are due.  WTF. 

I've been doing homework for 12 hours

I think I can justify taking the rest of the night off.  maybe.  I feel like i'm....forgot what I was going to say because I decided to call my cousin mid sentence!  OH!  I feel like meeting wednesday's deadline isn't going to be such a problem.  I have little pieces of each section done.  I just need to flesh it out and I can do that on luches and after work this week.  Plus I'm taking wednesday off (I think) to finish the paper. 

 

Now...dinner.  I bought frozen stuff that's not so great and I have lots of crab meat and could have a sandwich...but I'm lazy and think I want fast food. We'll see. Because that's what I need...to get even fatter.