Got a little netbook today

It's cute.  A little tricky to type.  But it'll serve my purposes, no doubt.  we'll see what all it can do.  Homey at work says they don't do vide very well, but that's not a massive issue. 

I'm such a gadget whore.  It's bad. 

Ugh

I could clean.  I could read.  I could get ahead on homework.  But instead I sit here bored to tears.  I have to clean at some point tonight though.

 

I'm really digging being vegan :)  I had a portabella & tomato sandwich.  YUMMY!  So delicioius.  Next time I'll add garlic to to the mushrooms.  This weekend I had lemon asparagus and chickpea and egglant stew.  It was very good.  Looks like I can cook after all.

 

ok.  i'm going to go play and see if I can't make my own family site!

I am .... I don't know what I am

Frustrated I guess.  This is what I don't miss about living with Turlach,  The moods.  Not that I blame him because I don't.  He's having a mom day.  Everything annoys him today.  The dog puked on him.  I just don't miss this stress.  It's hard having mom days and he seems to be dwelling/suffering more than the rest of us.  I'm not sure why that is and there isn't a damn thing I can do to help.  I wish there was.  I wish he could remember when/if he has a mom dream.  I wish he'd at least look at pictures of her.  But like grandpa always said, wish in one hand and shit in the other then tells me which gets full first. 

 

I hate feeling like this.  stressed and walking on egg shells.  It's not fair to anyone.  He's been like this all night.  I don't know if it was a rough day at work on top of being a bad mom day.  He needs help.  He needs happy pills or counseling - actually both!  We could all use both, actually.  But he is just in a worse place than the rest of us. 

 

and then there's Fin.  Good lord.  I dropped not so subtle hints that I know what's going on.  here's hoping that's deterrant enough for him to stop misbehaving online. 

 

My stressed ass is going to bed...maybe.

dramz

Drama drama drama.  Why do people have to be so dramatic?  For fuxsake, take it easy!

 

Today is going to be long.  In at work by 6, might not leave until 6 and by then outside will be a complete white out.  Who needs to drive safely when you can just work all day instead, right?

I am Vegan :) And I like it

So far so good.  I lost two pounds this week.  Whether or not its due to diet change I don't know, but next week I'll know for sure.  i'm going to keep with the vegan diet and keep strictish about it, too!  Losing weight is very motivating!

Still Vegan :)

It's not so difficult afterall.  Lunch might be a challenge today because I'm going out with my cousin, but I think I can manage.  I made southwestern vegan goulash.  It was yummy!  And it's what's for dinner tonight :)

 

I'm turning out to be not too bad of a cook!! 

I am still Vegan

Day two of being vegan.  I'm still doing it, though today i'm probably more flexatarian than vegan.  I'm making goulash tonight.  Not on purpose, either.  I decided I wanted to try my Boca crumbles and then I added tomatoes.  And then I decided it was close enough so I made goulash.  it's YUMMY!  It makes me think I did something wrong and that it's not really vegan/vegetarian/flexatarian because it's really good!!  Very tastey.  The tomato soup I used wasn't organic though.  It's way too sweet, but I think I toned it down a bit. 

 

Just thought I'd share :)

I am vegan....maybe

I made a halfassed decision yesterday to be vegan as a health thing.  Not because I'm against eating animals or animal products.  I'm a steak and potatoes kinda girl and for health reasons I need to be a sticks and twigs girl for a while.  Not sure how long this phase will last.  While I'm not hungry (had broccoli and hummus for lunch) i'm far from satisfied.  Dinner will most definitely be a challenge, but I'll try!!  I am going to try for two or three weeks to see how it goes.

 

A whole slew of one year anniversaries for mom are coming up.  Yesterday was 10 months.  Friday is one year for when she went in the hospital.  I had to get a mammogram this morning and had a hard time with flashbacks to mom's stay in the hospital.  But I got through it.  Plus having your chest crushed tends to take your mind off of EVERYTHING but the pain!

 

 

!

I started weight watchers again.  This is the heaviest I have ever been and I swear to go if I ever see these numbers again someone will have to put me out of my misery.  I took my measurements today and that was thoroughly depressing.  But yesterday I just got myself back into the WW mindset and I'm determined to do this.  part of me keeps saying to do this for mom, but I'm doing this for me more than for her.  I don't want to have the issues she had.  She was/is proud of me no matter what I do, so she's not motivation enough for me.  One selfish reason is Momus.  I really like him - a lot.  Think about him way too much, but he can't see past the fat suit.  We talk and joke and stuff, but he'll never see me as anything but a coworker.  and I feel ugly.  I know I'm not.  I have a pretty face, but no one sees past the fat.  I feel that's all anyone sees when they look at me. 

 

But mostly, I just want to be healthy.  I want to be a runner.  Weird enough reason, but I do.  I don't run.  My big joke has always been "i don't run unless the ice cream truck is going to fast!"  But really, I think I'd like to go for runs in the morning, but that ain't happening for a LONG time.  It's a goal though.  My first goal, though is 5%.  It's realistic.  And that's how I'm going to lose my weight.  5% at a time. 

 

So there we go.  I'll have to keep this as my WW journal.  And my bitching journal - cuz that's just fun!

c'mon man...

I just want to do my job.  That's all.  I'm not asking much.  But my outlook is stuck.  My boss is pissy and I have my review today.  Oh joy.  he already piled useless shit on my desk so I can tell he's not thrilled with me.  Whatever.  i'm not the damn clock fixer.  I'm not your personal recycle bin.  LIke I said...whatever.

Dear Tuna

I'm not dumb, ya know.  I know what I"m talking about.  If I told you I read the manual and that it gives very general information and nothing specific to what I need, I mean that I read the whole manual - not just the table of contents and introduction.  I'm well aware that introductions give very basic information.  you, on the otherhand, are a cheuvanistic pig who thinks that because part of my job is being an assistant that I"m a dumbass who doesn't know what she's talking about.  Go fuck yourself. 

Swamped

Know what's f'd up?  I don't really miss emailing him.  I guess that says a lot.  Today was the first time I went to go email him, but I was like oh wait...he's not my friend.  I do feel bad about that, but seriously - I don't tell him or anyone else what they can and can not talk to me about.  Friends dont' censor each other.  Self censor all day long if you want, but if you're my friend you will be willing to listen to me.  I feel very strongly about that. 

 

Work is busy busy busy.  I'm working on:

• 3 websites for some of our businesses
• Annual Report
• Internal magazine
• 2010 Calendar
• Intranet from hell
• Data sheets
• webinars
• web registrations

I'm sure that's more than that for that list but that's all I can think of at the moment.  I have a review in two weeks that I am FAR from prepared for.  Speaking of which maybe I'll do that instead of this!

it's difficult

...to not talk to him, but I'm sticking to my guns.  You're not a friend if you try to dictate when I can and cannot say to you.  You're not a friend if you can't be even polite enough to acknowledge my difficulties and that I need to talk about it even if you lie and tell me it's ok.  You are just not a friend.  YOu're selfish and self centered.  I "listen" to and comment on stuff you tell me regardless of what I think about it.  Thats what friends do.  You're not willing to do that, so fuck you.  And I want to tell you this, but I won't give you the time of day.  If you email again asking if I'm still mad then yes...I'll tell you what I have to say and that'll be the end of that. 

 

I'm feisty today.  I'm just ready to fight with anyone.!

I get it now...

No need to pretend anymore and no need to feel the need to share.  I know what's going on.  I know YOU know and you wont' tell me.  That's fine.  It's big.  I know that.  But that definitely changes how information will flow in the future.  Cryptic?  Yep.  Don't care. 

 

I'm in a mood.  I figured out why, though.  I've been out of hormones for a few days!!  So that explains why I'm pissy for no good reason. 

 

I need to do a load of laundry tonight for weekend clothes.  Actually, I'm not sure I'll bother.  They'll just get smokey anyway, so maybe I'll just do laundry Sunday and wear whatever happens to be clean at the time.  That sounds good!  I need to work on freelance tonight, anyway, and get that invoice in to get me another paycheck.

I am frustrated

Right.  I know that's news, invisible friends, but I am!!  Someone who was my best friend offended me and hurt me to the point that I can no longer justify being friends.  So that conversation is gone.  I'm frustrated at work because i'm going from one computer to the next because they won't fucking buy the software I need!  It's pissing me off.  Turlach fucked up the weekend and I really am very pissed about that.  Fuck it.  maybe I won't go home and papa and fin can come down here to watch harry potter and Turlach can sit at home in his fucked up world. 

 

Everything is fucked today.  I hate being pissy.  Fucking hate it.

I am extraordinarily bitchy

Could be that I haven't taken happy pills for a couple days.  I need to keep water in my room so I remember to do that. 

 

Could be that I don't want to go to work.

 

Could be that I didn't do anything this weekend so I feel like a cow. 

 

Could be that I miss my mom & best friend. 

 

Could be that Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince SUCKED.  I'm very disappointed.

good fucking lord

I have quite the potty mouth on this blog!!

 

But GOOD FUCKING LORD!  If you want me to be able to do my job, fucking buy me the right software.  I'm done using my own.

 

If you want me to be in a good mood, treat me with some fucking respect.  I'm sick of being treated like I did something wrong.  Go fuck yourself.

dear hestia

You piss me off too.  Why ask me to do something when you have no intention of letting me start or finish it?  You give the design work to the overpaid freelancer.  You "let" me do data entry on those projects and fucking blame me when something goes wrong with the design.  You don't consult me when you're doing projects and then are surprised when I tell you "no, that won't work."  I'm just so pissed.  Why not just fucking trust me with the projects?  You clearly need my input since I'm the one telling you why things won't work - why not just let me do it in the first place and we won't waste so much fucking time.

Dear Amira

Since you can't make time for projects I give you I won't be bothering to give you more.  It's not like you're actually learning anything.  You seem incapable of retaining information and that makes me sad.  Ya know, I've heard some people say that "some people just can't learn" and I dind't think that was a true statement, but it is.  And I don't mean that to be mean, butit's honest.  You're not learning.  You just don't get it.  What sucks is even though I have to clean up your messes, I still can't do all of this myself and there's no one else I can train. 

 

Dear world -

 

Stop working against me, will you?  I just want to work and live my life and be content.  Why is that so much to ask?  Why do I have to fight for everything?

it's such a catch 22

I don't want to sit around the house because I start thinking about mom and just burst into tears.  I want to go for a ride, but I know that will lead to more thinking of mom.  What's a girl to do.  oh!  i could look at what I thought was the cute neighbor.  he's not so cute!