I decided

That maybe I'll just sit and learn about photography today.  I still am not feeling well and can't do much, so sitting and looking at and learning about photography sounds like as good as any way to spend the day. 

 

I'm really tired today.  Had a really hard time sleeping last night.  I dont look forward to going to bed like I used to.  It is just uncomfortable to sleep.  I will try to take a nap today, though.  I'm really tired.  exhausted to the point of tears. 

Shutterfly

I'm not sure I like shutterfly that much.  I like the fact that I can store ALL of my pictures there, but I just don't know if it works for me to share with friends.  ofcourse, if I had ANY of my pictures organized in a way to make it easy to share, that'd be a whole other oprah.  I wish there was an easy way to do picasa.  I'll have to look into that, I guess. 

 

I'm really tired tonight.  I didn't take a nap today and I think that's kicking my ass.  Recovery sucks.

 

 

I am in pain

Today's not a great day.  I had a full lunch - bowl of mac and cheeses.  My most favoite meal ever.  I went to the doc this morning because I haven't had bm's and I'm a little sick to my stomach and it was freakign me out.  But the doc, not my normal doc, said I'm fine and was very happy with how i'm getting around. 

 

It's very hard for me to ask for help.  I think that's more obvious to me now and explains why I have a hard time at work.  I won't ask for help.  I don't know what the deal is with me, but I think maybe I feel like asking for help makes me vulnerable and weak.  Two things I never want to be seen as.  I'm strong.  I can do anything.  But in reality, I can't and I have to learn how to change the way I go about things. 

 

Anyway...I've been trying to get in touch with Bozrah.  She's ... I don't know.  I love her to pieces.  She's one of three people I'd consider my best friends, but she's high maitenance.  She needs counseling more than anyone else I know.  We all need it - I'm well aware of that and freely admit I could definitely benefit from professional counseling.  But she needs it desperately.  She is so self doubting. 

 

Ok. I feel like i might actually move some bowels!!  Yes...My life had been reduced to this kind of excitement!

I am home

i'm feeling very very puny, but I'm home.  I have a lot of surgical pain, but suprisingly and happily,  a lot of the pain that I blamed on endometriosis seems to be gone.  all of my internal organs from the bottom of my intestine to the top of my stomach were one solid mass and it makes sense with out I was feeling.

 

I just wanted to drop in and say hello to my invisible friends.  I'm exhausted and going to go upstairs and sleep for a while.

I think

I will concentrate on photography while I'm off of work. Maybe. I'm undecided, really. I don't know what pain I'll be in. I'm considering shortening my time off of work to 6 weeks. But that's mostly because I don't think my doc will give me 8. I hope he does because I think I need the time off, but I doubt he will. He's Dr Asshole for a reason.

Back to photography. I'd like to at least post more pictures here and elsewhere if nothing else. The problem is that all of my pictures are on a portable hard drive. OH! BRILLIANT IDEA. I can hook my external drive to Turlach's computer - he has a dual layer dvd burner. At lest that way I can get dvd's of the pictures. Still...I don't have enough dual layer dvd's. I have over 200 gigs of pictures to back up and it's making me nervous that I don't have backups right now.

Ok. I'll worry about that later. This is a fun distraction, however, from today's big fucking surgery. I'm getting nervous.

Oh! One more thing

But now I forgot what I was going to say. OH! Not that any of you care, but I'm going to set an upload for all of my pictures to go on shutterfly as a back up. I don't know how well that'll go or how many will get uploaded before it kicks me off, but I'm going to try. I need a few back ups for my pictures. I wish I could find a different unlimited free online storage for files. I'd like to back up my raw files, too.

Just thought I'd share!

Today's the day

I didn't think I'd be on or able to even consider blogging today, but it's early and there's no way my ass can get back to sleep. I go to the hospital in two hours.

Word to the wise - don't drink blue gatorade with a drug designed to clean out your system - everything that comes out will be blue. I feel like a damn alien! TMI? sure. Do I care? Not really!

I'm surprisingly calm this morning. I'm going through my nesting sort of thing. I didn't clean my room as I had planned. It's clean enough but if I have visitors, it needs to be cleaner. So I think I'll resort to the "throw it in the closet and shut the door" trick. I can deal with it when I'm able to lift things again.

Phelan has no phone right now, so there's no way for my family to get in touch with him after my surgery. I hate that. I understand, though. My phone gets shut off, too. But he was doing so well! I bet his phone is super expensive though - he has a pricey phone that has a pricey package to go along with it. I can't even afford what he has. Maybe he got it for show when he came home? hard telling. He's like that. I say stick with the cheap. No one cares what kind of cell phone you have. Dont' get me wrong, I'd give my right arm for a blackberry, but I know that'll just addict me that much more to work. But hey...hmm..I bet you good money that if I got a blackberry, work would pay for part of my cell bill!! Now there's an idea! I still need to fill out the form to get them to pay for my wireless at home since I'm sometimes expected to work from home.

Anyway...I think I'll check my work email, shower and the sit, wait and stress. wish me luck, invisible friends!

Lyrics

I am unwritten
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
Pen in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on you face
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
Noone else can speak the words on your lips
Drench your self in words unspoken
Life your life with arms wide open
Today ends where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten


I don't know why but I just like those lyrics. I was all excited this morning that someone actually read a blog of mine. Even if it was just for lyrics, I'm still excited :)

Tomorrow is the big day

In 24 and half hours, I'll be laying on a surgical table completely naked and vulnerable.  After the nurses and technicians get a good laugh at my fat ass, they'll be cutting me open and removing my hopes and dreams of having my own child.  A thoughtless pig at work asked me if I'm excited.  Absolutely.  Can't wait to meet the man of my dreams and have him not be interested after he finds out I can't have kids.  Actually, I guess at that point he woudln't be the man of my dreams, but it'll hurt just the same.  It already hurts. 

 

I've been doing my best all weekend to keep my cool and play it all off like I"m fucking fine.  I'm not fucking fine.  not even a little bit.  I just want tomorrow to be over with so I can fucking move on.  The 'rents are down here this weekend and dad gets this tone in his voice that annoys the shit out of me on a good day.  ON a bad day like today I just want to scream and storm off.  I honestly just want to be left the fuck alone, but I know that's not going to happen - not by a long shot.  So....I'll find ways to distract me.  Maybe take some pictures somewhere.  Spend money I really don't have.  Drive around using my $4/gallon gas.  I might even (more like have to) do laundry.  As long as everyone quits asking me what they can do for me or how I'm feeling.  You can all do me a favor by shutting up and leaving me alone.  I feel horrible.  Piss off.

 

I try not to be foul mouthed but for some reason today it's a big stress reliever.

 

I want chinese food today.  I can't eat.  I will have to suffice with jello, broth or juice.  Scrumpdillyicious. 

 

can't I just lay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself?  Where's the fucking harm in that.  For a girl who's definitely an emotional eater, taking away my right to food is not working out too well.  FUcking Dr Asshole better fix me up good or I'll fucking .... probably do nothing and just regret having this surgery the rest of my life.  That's the reality of my life.

 

Maybe I can get all profound after surgery. 

 

Miss me much, invisable friends!  You won't hear from me for at least a week.  Have fun with your invisable lives.  eat some invisable chinese crab bake for me. 

I Am ... not sure what I am

I know I"m brainless.  I can't really think or be productive today.  It's frustrating at the very least. 

 

I need to write a list of crap to show Amira.  I hope she can stay a few minutes late today incase we don't get to everything.

 

I need to start handing work over to Hestia and Amira. 

 

I need to clean my desk.

 

I need to chill out.

 

I need a nap.

 

I need names for a few new people who I dn't want to tag along at lunch today.  They are:  Tubal, Uzal, Babel.  I don't want them there.  They annoy me!

 

Ok.  Now that that's done, I can email Isda the new names :)  Isda is my friend :)

 

Ok.  Gotta work.

I have been violated!

It's been a very tough day today.  I went to the lunch function with Gaius.  To my relief, Zeus was there.  That made me feel more comfortable, as it was 100% not my type of gig.  Suits, waiters in tuxedo's, fine china, too much silverware....Give me mcdonald's on a paper plate with a paper towel for a napkin!  I'm good with that!  But the food was delicious.  The presentation went well.  It was nice talking to Gaius on a more personal level.  he's a nice guy!

 

The Dr's visit....now that was irritating.  I was late, because Gaius is chatty and coudln't get away until a little after 2.  My Dr's appt was 2:20 downtown.  We were across town.  So He had to take me back to my car across town and I had to speed back downtown to see Dr Mean.  Dr Mean decided to do a full exam, when I was told it'd only be a "check the lungs" kind of exam.  And by full exam, I mean a very unexpected dual pelvic rectal probe.  that was horrible and I feel vioated and gross and ouch. 

 

I'm tired.  I have a headache from hell.  I'm very grumpy.  I really just want to go to bed. 

 

He also told me that I can't eat anything after 6 on Saturday night.  WTF?!  I'm PISSED!  i'im already hungry thinking about having to go two days without food.  that's bullshit.  Whatever.  I had planned on making a big dinner saturday.  So much for that, I guess.  I told Dad i was going to make a late lunch/early dinner meal.  I'm just pissed about this whole situation, I guess. 

 

Surgery is at 12:30.  I just want it to be overwith. 

 

And now I'm off to Zeus and Hera's for dinner.  I hope I can get happy between here and there!

Dear Danny

I have a lot on my mind.  I understand your need to vent.  But I don't have the capacity to really listen to you now.  If you don't like your job, just quit it.  This showdown your having with noodle is childish.  I am sick of hearing about it.  I care about you as a friend, but I really don't care about this situation!  I just don't.  I just want to do my job.  That's all! 

 

Truly

 

Brennan

 

 

Seriously, though.  No one is letting me do my damn job.  I have Gaius wanting all this time.  Zeus has a lot of things that need to get done and I can't get around to showing Amira the what and where.  But I have one hour right now to give her 4 hours worth of work.  Wish me luck, invisable friends!

I Am Overwhelmed today

I have lots and lots to do.  Working with Gaius until 2 is going to kill me.  Then at 2, I have to go to the dr.  Somewhere in there I have to clean, find documents, get work done and be done in time to have dinner with Zeus and Hera. 

 

I have a sore throat this morning and taht's making me nervous for Monday's surgery.  I go see the doc today.  maybe he'll give me precautionary antibiotics.  I can't afford to get sick before surgery. 

 

Um.....that's it for now.  I don't have time to be profound :)

Dear Amira

Remember when i told you that it doesn't matter how you feel?  That exec's don't give two shits how much pain your in and that they just want their work done?  that hasn't changed today.  Put on your happy face because I don't have time or patience for attitudes.  You're be given a huge opportunity. 

I am fucked in the head

I rebelled this morning and came in late....7:30 AM!  Bad bad me!  And now I'm feeling guilty because I think I'm going to go home 'early'.....5:00 PM.  What's wrong with me!  I think I am officially mentally checked out.  I'm exhausted.  My brain isn't on.  I'm not doing anything except chit chatting with Zeus.  Hades is a few offices down from me.  he was fishing again for information.  He's making his rounds, so I think he'll be coming to bug me in a few minutes if I don't run away. 

Two letters today

Dear Ilo

 

If someone wants to use it, there isn't much that I can do to stop them.  I can make it more difficult, yes, but that definitely won't stop anyone from using it.  Go fuck yourself and leave me the fuck alone.

 

 

Dear Meroz,

 

You are polite and you act innocent, but I see right through you.  I don't trust you.  Stutulo!

 

 

I Am Fine? Not really....

Gaius has asked me to come to a presentation he's doing on Thursday.  It's an honor, really.  He's trusting me with more work and knows how capable I am.  Those are good things.  however, his fucking assistant, Clucker, is the one who should be doing this BS.  NOT ME!  First, I don't have fucking time.  I have a gazillion things to get done before Friday.  Gaius has probably forgotten that Friday is my last day.  Or he hasn't and doesn't give a shit.  And I don't mean that in a Gaius is not compassionate way.  I mean that in a Gaius is Gaius and he gets his way kind of way.  We don't say no to him.  Ever.  I was supposed to go Thursday afternoon with Zeus to take pictures around Olympus, but now that I'll be out hanging with Gaius, that's not a very likely scenario.  I'd so much rather take pictures with Zeus!  Maybe we will still do that.  Hard to tell.  I'm having dinner with Zeus and Hera tomorrow night.  I love Hera!  She's awesome.  But what all that means is that if Zeus and I do spend the afternoon photographing the city, I have to get EVERYTHING done tonight.  I'm going to be here until kingdom come! 

 

Hestia needs me to finish posters for her this morning, too.  Oh happy day.  We have big wigs from DC coming in to tour our plants.  Finishing the posters is no big deal.  it's going to be getting them on the boards that will be difficult.  Plus I hate going to WP.  It's awkward and I'm shy.  Yes...I'm shy!  I know you don't believe me, invisable friends, but I am totally shy.  Plus JJ works there and I have a crush on him.  He's totally not my type. He's shorter than me, balding and blonde - but oh my god if he's not the nicest guy ever.  I just really like the guy.  And when I like a guy, I have absolutely nothing to say - I'm more shy than ever in that circumstance.  Woe is me.

 

I guess I'm just concerned that the Gaius stuff is going to turn into something I can't do.  not that I can't...I can, but I don't want to be seen as an assistant anymore.  I'm not a damn assistant.  Maybe he sees me differently?  I hope so.   I"m honored but worried this will turn into something overwhelming.

 

Ok.  I guess I'll get going on posters, printing, cutting and pasting.  Hestia needs some kind of assurance that things are totally under control.

 

El Diablo

El Diablo asked where I was going on vacation for 8 weeks.  Zeus laughed his ass off!!  Vacation? Whatever.

 

Today I have lots of pain, but have been productive despite it.  I'm going to make an appointment for glasses.  Maybe I can get them back by Friday?  not likely.  I guess I'll have to ask whatever place I go to and also ask them if someone else can pick up my glasses for me and I can come back and adjust them later.

Are you kidding me??

Outlook has opened and closed on its own three times now.  I'm TRYING TO WORK!

I Am Fucked

I totally forgot about car insurance coming out of my checking account tomorrow.  There'll be no money there.  I'm completely fucked.  Oh well.  That's my fault.  Who needed money anyway?

 

Came to work in a panic and it will probably be like that all week.  I'm already sick of people asking me how I feel or saying with excitment "Your Last Week!"  I'm not taking a sabbatical or vacation.  I'm having my insides ripped out of me.  This isn't like going to a spa or getting a peticure.  Go Fuck Yourselves!

 

Maybe I do need happy pills afterall?