Stress and other things

I'm seeking help for my anxiety issues. Mostly I just want to cut myself off from everyone and wait to die. Is that too much to ask? Probably.

I've come to the conclusion hat Turkana and I are never going to be friends. Try as I might, she will always fins a reason to resent me, and I will always have massive anxiety issues when it comes to her. I'm just always waiting for the next thing I say wrong or the next thing I say that gets taken the wrong way. I can't say I'd react differently than she had, but I'd at least take her explanations to heart. I explained myself. I apologized for the miscommunications. I can't control if she believes me, which she doesn't. I'm honest. Ask me a question and. Give you an answer. I'm not a liar. Words don't come out of me in he right order or what I meant to say is not what I actually said (I really need to proof read what I write more often). Maybe my brain is fucked up. Who knows. But I allowed that stressful conversation escalate my self hatred to a brand new level. I wanted to kill myself. Seriously. But I didn't. Obviously. I reached out where I could and I am going to get help. This is not caused by Turkana. Turkana was the straw that broke me. I have lots if other issues that trump a conversation in a thousand ways.

Once the month is done I can make my exit plans. By exit I mean moving....not dying! I'm moving to Ecuador. Just need to find a job. I'm also considering moving to Finland. Either one works fine by me.

I can't take much more stress

I think my heart and head are going to explode.  I just can't do this anymore.

I am still Brennan

First and foremost:  "The Real Joey":  Who are you?  Why do you want to add me as a friend on windows live?  I'd be SHOCKED as hell if someone other than me reads this blog.

I read old entries again and I'm so thankful that I wrote a day by date type of thing when mom was sick.  That one post is exactly what I was looking for.  I knew I wrote it, but I didn't quite not where. 

Today I'm finishing up season one of Lost.  Kind of waiting to see if Fashionista is going to want to see a movie.  She had mentioned it before, But I don't know if I should call her or if I should wait for her.  Doesn't really matter.  Well, it does because I'd like to know what's going on.  At the moment I'm just sitting and waiting.  I could be doing homework or laundry or grocery shopping or listening to Catching Fire on audio books, but I find myself not wanting to do much of anything.  Reading about mom makes me want to get back on the health bandwagon.  But I don't see that happening today.  I need to fight the urge to go to Culvers!!  I"m addicted to that place!!

Um...I guess that's it.  I'm just wasting time. 

I am a nerd

I got an iPad today!  Well technically my office got an iPad today and I get to use it.  I think I have learned quite quickly that I don't really need one.  I might get one anyway because thats how I Roll. I might be able to get away with using this one for personal stuff for a while.  Its just not wowing me right now,  I see, though, how I can use it in my busines.  It'd be convenient to show clients there stuff on this.  

I do like typing on it though.  I'm weird.  I know this.  


Tomorrow my fashionista friend is coming over to watch the golden globes red carpet stuff with me,  so that means I most definitely have to clean this mess of a house!

Goodnight invisible friends!

What's a girl to think?

I hate crushes.  They are evil.  I am crushing on Goboy something fierce and I know I'm reading into everything he does, but I could swear he likes me too.

I don't handle stress well

I'm dizzy and bitchy.  My stomach is in knots, I'm on my last nerve and everyone is pouncing on it.  I hate this feeling.  This is why I just can't get anything done.  When I'm this overwhelmed I completley shut down.  That doesn't help a damn thing either, because it's depressing and stresses me out more.  Good times, this life.

 

 

Dear Mama

You have to help Turlach.  This is not a request.  He's angry.  You know this....he always has been an angry person.  But right now I"m going to play my trump card and tell you how pissed off I am at you for leaving.  You made everything better just by being here and now here we are....fucked up and miserable.  You died horribly.  Why?  It's not fair.  We need you here.  We need your presence.  I haven't felt your presence in so long that I am pretty much sure that when we die....we just die.  Looking for some bigger purpose it's just dumb. We lead pointless lives.

Yet...here I sit writing to you as if you can read it or know what I"m thinking.  You know I think this way.  If there was an afterlife and you really cared, you'd help.  Your lack of help tells me you're just dead.  There's nothing after life.  We just end. 

Good times, huh?

What am I supposed to do?

I took the weekend off from going west to dad's and turlach's home.  I was way to stressd out to travel.  I was fine today though and making peace with my stress....and then Turlach calls.  He stressed me the fuck out again.  He needs help.  I don't think he's going to hurt anyone, but he's hurting himself.  If he continues to be so angry all the time he's going to lose turlacha.

Being a dwyer, I feel the need to fix things.  Since mom died things have not been easy.  turlachs anger has grown.  It seemed to diminish a bit when turlacha appeared, but he's all the sudden angry again.  Angry at my job because it kept me away from them this weekend (godforbid I have my own life).  Angry at gf turlacha's dad for who the hell knows why.  Angry at the dr's when mom died.  Angry that cousin turlacha (yes...we have a lot of turlachs in the family..so what!) dared to ask him to fix her car.  Now turlach is going off that how dare they ask for a favor.  Where were they when mom died?  Why don't they just not spend money on designer cloths and vacations so they have money to fix their car.  Well...A) it's none of our business how they spend their money.  2. no one plans ahead in our family, why should they be so different.  Third, he should continue to gunnysack anger like he does.  MOm died almost three years ago.  Yes we all hurt.  Yes it sucked.  No, no one came to visit her.  THe weather was fucked up.  If our aunt had died first, we might not have gone to visit her on her death bed or if she was far away in a hospital and we were in the middle of the worst winter in years.  Now that we have the experience of our mom dying, we would NEVER consider notvisiting a loved one in the hospital or being there for them and our family when they die.  But that's due to hind site...not because we're so much "better" than anyone else.  We now have that awful experience with us and we know what it's like to watch a parent slowly die.  We know how it hurts when no one can come visit.  We didn't have this pain before so we didn't have this perspective from which to view the world.  We can't expect anyone to have the persepctive we do.  It's unreasonable and unrational.  I wish Turlach could see that.

I wish I could help him, but I can't.  I"m not capable and as much as I really feel like it is, my logical brain knows it's not my responsibility to help him.  That's why I'm in the situation I"m in now.  I want to fix them.  I want to fix leaping.  I want to fix dad. I want to fix the relationship between fin and phelon - but I can't.  I've nearly put myself in the loony bin this week from stress at work and at home..  And now listening to Turlach, I know I can't share that with him or with any other family.  It's bullshit, but I don't want to feel responible for their stress levels.  It's not fair of me.  They'll continue to share theirs with me and I"m sure I'll continue to let it stress me out further.  BUt life s bullshit, right?  Always has been.

Once upon a time

...there was Turlach.   And then he met Turlacha!

LEAVE ME THE F ALONE!

I just want to do my fucking job.  Give me a break.  I can't handle this getting pulled in 100 fucking directions at any given fucking point of the day.  I JUST WANT TO GET SOMTHING DONE WITHOUT YOU FUCKING BOTHERING ME.

 

 

Dear Me

Where the hell did all of your ambition go?  I know you're tired and worried about dad.  He's fine.  Not dying.  So get to f'ing work, clean up your apartment, get your life in order and stop being a lazy ass!!

Dear Arby

And no, I'm not talking to the restaurant.  i'm talking to you, Arby.  You're a jackass.  You are not a designer, so don't tell me what doesn't "flow" right.  Use it and shut the f up.

Dear cheater

While I'm glad to know I'm not alone in my lack of ambition to create completely orignial answers, you're making me look like I'm cheating off of YOU!! 

I want to learn today

I don't want to work.  I just want to learn.  Is that so much to ask?  Probably.

I am forgetful

What the hell was I going to say????

Dear Hestia

It's been a while since I've written you a letter.  I'd like to take this time to thank you for interrupting me every five minutes with fucking ridiculous questions you are very capable of answering yourself. 

 

Fuck off and let me work.

 

Hugs & Kisses!

 

Brennan!

I don't have anyone to whine to anymore

1. My family doesn't seem to want to participate in the family site anymore.  I've spent a lot of time and money on that. 
2. I need to get past my mental block about financial management.
3. I'm tired.
4. I want to learn drupal tonight, but see #3
5. I was supposed to clean tonight, but see #3
6. I was so not vegan today,  Tomorrow I'm vegetarian.  Sunday I start fasting for four or five days.  Raw foods fast.  we'll see how it goes.
7. I like numbered lists.
8. I miss my friend, but refuse to ever talk to said friend again.
9. I miss my mom.
10. I need to do homework.  See #'s 2 and 3

 

I am cleaning

I have a not really date tonight.  I don't want it to be a date.  I'm not sure how interested I am in him.  I take that back.  I know I"m not interested in him in any romantic way.  I just hope he feels the same.  There's one guy I like and I don't think I'm giving up on him.  Plus I don't think I want a relationship right now.  But it'll be dinner.  I'll bet my invisible friends any money that he doesn't pay! 

 

Anyway.  I'm cleaning to get ready for the upcoming vaca.  l was supposed to help Romy with her kitchen, but I forgot and spent yesterday being irresponsible spending money I didn't need to spend.  Yet, I'm not experiencing buyers regret yet.  My space solution is solved and I think this is just going to work well.  ANYWAY.  I feel really bad I'm kind of blowing off Romy, but I gotta take care of my stuff here.

 

Well, back to cleaning. 

Dear mama

It's been almost a year. I re-read my posts from after your death and have been crying my stupid eyes out for about a half hour. Crying feels good sometimes. When Im' tense, I look at your picture or I read those letters to force myself to cry.

I have dreamed about you a few times - dreams like you were here with me. You're in my dreams often, but only a few times did I feel it was a visit. The first one was powerful and I won't ever forget it. It was so hard to wake up and realize it was just a dream. You were missing. Dad found you and I was so relieved and thankful and happy. You were sitting in your chair wearing a pretty flower shirt you wore often. You looked so happy and healthy. You were smiling so beautiful. You told me you had so much energy and felt so good. You were telling me you were ok and how happy you were. I went to text my friends that you were back and then I woke up - completely devestated.

I think I'll always feel devestated and broken without you. It's so hard. And so many feelings and issues have come up since you died. I never considered being the only girl in the family. I never realized it would ever be an issue, but it is. The house feels so empty without you. I steal your chair when I'm home and I imagine you're hugging me. That chair has always felt like a hug, so I pretend, as I often do!

I don't like my life without you. Not at all. But I wouldn't ever want you to come back if it meant you were going to be sick. I don't think you would have ever been able to come home again. You would have been in a nursing home, depressed and sickly. I'd give anything to have a visit from you tonight.

Everytime I think about how much I miss you, I break all over again. that's the only way I can explain how it feels. I literally feel broken. I feel like my chest is torn apart and I just want to scream. I want to yell and kick. I want to punch someone. I won't do anything like that because it won't make any difference. I'll just have broken bones to whine about as I cry for you.

I'm going to find an opportunity to volunteer for a week every year after your anniversary. Ideally, I'd like to volunteer at an orphanage that Kenyatta volunteers at. I would find that so fulfilling. I can't have children. I don't see me getting married. I don't even see me being in a position to adopt, no matter how much I want to.

I miss you mom. I hate my life without you, but I keep living it for you.

Got a little netbook today

It's cute.  A little tricky to type.  But it'll serve my purposes, no doubt.  we'll see what all it can do.  Homey at work says they don't do vide very well, but that's not a massive issue. 

I'm such a gadget whore.  It's bad.