Swamped

Know what's f'd up?  I don't really miss emailing him.  I guess that says a lot.  Today was the first time I went to go email him, but I was like oh wait...he's not my friend.  I do feel bad about that, but seriously - I don't tell him or anyone else what they can and can not talk to me about.  Friends dont' censor each other.  Self censor all day long if you want, but if you're my friend you will be willing to listen to me.  I feel very strongly about that. 

 

Work is busy busy busy.  I'm working on:

• 3 websites for some of our businesses
• Annual Report
• Internal magazine
• 2010 Calendar
• Intranet from hell
• Data sheets
• webinars
• web registrations

I'm sure that's more than that for that list but that's all I can think of at the moment.  I have a review in two weeks that I am FAR from prepared for.  Speaking of which maybe I'll do that instead of this!

it's difficult

...to not talk to him, but I'm sticking to my guns.  You're not a friend if you try to dictate when I can and cannot say to you.  You're not a friend if you can't be even polite enough to acknowledge my difficulties and that I need to talk about it even if you lie and tell me it's ok.  You are just not a friend.  YOu're selfish and self centered.  I "listen" to and comment on stuff you tell me regardless of what I think about it.  Thats what friends do.  You're not willing to do that, so fuck you.  And I want to tell you this, but I won't give you the time of day.  If you email again asking if I'm still mad then yes...I'll tell you what I have to say and that'll be the end of that. 

 

I'm feisty today.  I'm just ready to fight with anyone.!

I get it now...

No need to pretend anymore and no need to feel the need to share.  I know what's going on.  I know YOU know and you wont' tell me.  That's fine.  It's big.  I know that.  But that definitely changes how information will flow in the future.  Cryptic?  Yep.  Don't care. 

 

I'm in a mood.  I figured out why, though.  I've been out of hormones for a few days!!  So that explains why I'm pissy for no good reason. 

 

I need to do a load of laundry tonight for weekend clothes.  Actually, I'm not sure I'll bother.  They'll just get smokey anyway, so maybe I'll just do laundry Sunday and wear whatever happens to be clean at the time.  That sounds good!  I need to work on freelance tonight, anyway, and get that invoice in to get me another paycheck.

I am frustrated

Right.  I know that's news, invisible friends, but I am!!  Someone who was my best friend offended me and hurt me to the point that I can no longer justify being friends.  So that conversation is gone.  I'm frustrated at work because i'm going from one computer to the next because they won't fucking buy the software I need!  It's pissing me off.  Turlach fucked up the weekend and I really am very pissed about that.  Fuck it.  maybe I won't go home and papa and fin can come down here to watch harry potter and Turlach can sit at home in his fucked up world. 

 

Everything is fucked today.  I hate being pissy.  Fucking hate it.

I am extraordinarily bitchy

Could be that I haven't taken happy pills for a couple days.  I need to keep water in my room so I remember to do that. 

 

Could be that I don't want to go to work.

 

Could be that I didn't do anything this weekend so I feel like a cow. 

 

Could be that I miss my mom & best friend. 

 

Could be that Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince SUCKED.  I'm very disappointed.

good fucking lord

I have quite the potty mouth on this blog!!

 

But GOOD FUCKING LORD!  If you want me to be able to do my job, fucking buy me the right software.  I'm done using my own.

 

If you want me to be in a good mood, treat me with some fucking respect.  I'm sick of being treated like I did something wrong.  Go fuck yourself.

dear hestia

You piss me off too.  Why ask me to do something when you have no intention of letting me start or finish it?  You give the design work to the overpaid freelancer.  You "let" me do data entry on those projects and fucking blame me when something goes wrong with the design.  You don't consult me when you're doing projects and then are surprised when I tell you "no, that won't work."  I'm just so pissed.  Why not just fucking trust me with the projects?  You clearly need my input since I'm the one telling you why things won't work - why not just let me do it in the first place and we won't waste so much fucking time.

Dear Amira

Since you can't make time for projects I give you I won't be bothering to give you more.  It's not like you're actually learning anything.  You seem incapable of retaining information and that makes me sad.  Ya know, I've heard some people say that "some people just can't learn" and I dind't think that was a true statement, but it is.  And I don't mean that to be mean, butit's honest.  You're not learning.  You just don't get it.  What sucks is even though I have to clean up your messes, I still can't do all of this myself and there's no one else I can train. 

 

Dear world -

 

Stop working against me, will you?  I just want to work and live my life and be content.  Why is that so much to ask?  Why do I have to fight for everything?

it's such a catch 22

I don't want to sit around the house because I start thinking about mom and just burst into tears.  I want to go for a ride, but I know that will lead to more thinking of mom.  What's a girl to do.  oh!  i could look at what I thought was the cute neighbor.  he's not so cute!

ya know...

Hundo, Coach and Nudelo are perfectly capably of ordering their own pizza.  Why the fuck do I have to do it.  I fucking hate my job today.

and I'm jealous too

and feeling like I'm dumb and everyone else makes me feel useless.  YOu could say I let myself feel that way, but fuck that.  I'm blaming everyone else today. 

 

I need to learn CSS like NOW.  I don't have time for a learning curve.  I don't have time or patience to let Hestia or Tristan touch my project.  They've taken everything else from me, so I'm holding on to dear life for this project. 

 

Everything nice and peaceful and fun about my life is fucking gone.  All of it.  All that's left right now is depression, anger and frustration. 

I'm trying....

...to be in a better mood.  But people just irritate me.  I hate feeling like this.  Did exercise this morning, but not a lot.  Didn't help.  Should have stayed home.  I just want to be left alone. 

 

I'm Just irritated as hell.  Hestia is pissing me off.  And one of our big projects might not work out and that's very very bad news for the company.  But oh well.  Even if it does work out it's not like I get to do anything.  Hestia keeps me at arms length.  Ya know...just keep Tristan.  I don't even want to fucking talk to you anymore, Hestia. 

It's so frustrating...

...working with the limitations I am bound to at work.  I am redesinging our intranet.  I have this BEAUTIFUL design and was talking to someone else - I didn't think about how others would change their pages.  I opened it in front page - no go.  Everyday page "owners" would not be able to update their pages.  It'd look too confusing for them and they'd fuck it up in a heartbeat.  My immediate rationale - I'll make their changes.  And I'd love nothing more than to do that, but it won't happen.  I have too much to do and the intranet is a full time job.  Even the person who helps me now would fuck it up if I left it in this beautiful design I have.  Maybe I need to see how I can make this design work in a different format.  It just sucks because this one is SO EASY and perfect from a user standpoint.  Simple obvious and logical navigation is the key, and this has that very potential.  But because I am limited to Front Page, I cannot use this template.  I'm so pissed.  We can't afford dreamweaver for everyone and I don't have the time to train people on it anyway.  It just makes a difficult task even more difficult.  But I'm learning, so that's good.  It's just a very frustrating process. 

 

EVERYTHING is frustrating lately.  And that's....FRUSTRATING!!  I feel the need to stay here a while longer and try to figure out my intranet issues. 

OMG I HATE STUPID PEOPLE

Just thought I'd share.  Powerpoint is not an advanced degree type software.  Not at all.  Why are people so incapable of using it?  Good fucking lord.  I understand that I need to consider that it's not second nature to everyone like it is to me, but for fuxsake, it is NOT rocket science!.

it's official

I"m fucking frustrated and can't really figure out 100% why.  Oh well.  whatever.  nevermind.

Frustration abounds

Been a long frustrating day.  Figuring out how much the freelancer is making definitely turned out to be a massive demotivator.  Why should I do anything?  She's getting paid the price of three of me...let her do it and I'll just sit here and be the lowly assistant that everyone treats me like.  It's just so frustrating.  I ask and ask and ask and push just a little bit be included in more of the marketing planning/strategy meetings and Hestia REFUSES to include me.  I'ts not fair.  I want to learn!!  She's absolutely stalling my learning process and that's something that is valued at this company - or at least I thought it was and in other roles it most certainly is.  Just not in marketing.  The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that she is definitely threatened by my education.  Why else would she not let me learn?  I don't get it.  I'm not gunning for her job.  I just want to know how the process works here so I can apply it to future jobs.  I see ALL other directors, leaders, vp's doing sharing their knowledge - why should SHE be the exception?

As per my new normal

I'm feeling sick after eating.  What's the deal????  I guess I'll have to go to the dr.  Too bad I'm incapable of skipping meals.  I really feel sick.  Work is very stressful.  It's stressing me more than I knew it was.  Sitting in a meeting today hearing about FY10 made me feel sicker.  And as usual I immediatly think "call mom" - can't do that and I think that's bothering way more than I let myself realize. 

 

but if I can stop eating I'll lose weight.  Can't hurt, right?

I am doll parts

I'm sick of Hestia!!  But it's weird.  I get along fine with her and like her on a person level, most days.  But I seem to be fighting for control of things that aren't in my control.  Since day one she's had nothing to do with Quest marketing – it's been all me.  And now she's taking it over.  Tristan is back for 6 more weeks, so that's 6 weeks of me not doing work I want to do.  I like Tristan, I like the work she does.  It's absolute BS how much she gets paid when we get pay cuts.    I wonder what kind of fun salary surprises we get for FY10.  Anyway…I'm just pissed.  And cancelling meetings pisses me off too, especially when I'm not told until 5 minutes after the meeting starts. 

 

It's all BULL SHIT.

 

 

It's so hard for me...

...to not be emotional.  Aunt Amira is in an AFC home and there's all kinds of drama.  There's alleged abuse and neglect....I don't know.  It's just a shitfilled situation. 

I'm mean

There's just no way around it.  I'm mean.  I read Phelan's letter to mom.  And while I know it was hard for him to write and it means so much to him, he really does have his own memories of the past - he remembers things as he wants to remember them, not as they actually happened.  I won't call him out on it.  But it kind of reinforces to me that he's either a pathological liar (and I don't mean that in a sarcastic way - I really think he believes the stories he tells) or there's just something else wrong in his head.  It makes me sad actually.  I think that's why he struggles so much between keeping a job, keeping relationships and getting along with others.  I wish he could go see a dr and get on something that would make him see the world in a normal way. 

 

I couldn't finish reading his letter.  not sure I ever will.  I can't even push myself to go back through my blog to read what I wrote the days after mom died.  I'd like to share that with a couple people but I'm not ready for that and neither are they.