Once upon a time

...there was Turlach.   And then he met Turlacha!

LEAVE ME THE F ALONE!

I just want to do my fucking job.  Give me a break.  I can't handle this getting pulled in 100 fucking directions at any given fucking point of the day.  I JUST WANT TO GET SOMTHING DONE WITHOUT YOU FUCKING BOTHERING ME.

 

 

Dear Me

Where the hell did all of your ambition go?  I know you're tired and worried about dad.  He's fine.  Not dying.  So get to f'ing work, clean up your apartment, get your life in order and stop being a lazy ass!!

Dear Arby

And no, I'm not talking to the restaurant.  i'm talking to you, Arby.  You're a jackass.  You are not a designer, so don't tell me what doesn't "flow" right.  Use it and shut the f up.

Dear cheater

While I'm glad to know I'm not alone in my lack of ambition to create completely orignial answers, you're making me look like I'm cheating off of YOU!! 

I want to learn today

I don't want to work.  I just want to learn.  Is that so much to ask?  Probably.

I am forgetful

What the hell was I going to say????

Dear Hestia

It's been a while since I've written you a letter.  I'd like to take this time to thank you for interrupting me every five minutes with fucking ridiculous questions you are very capable of answering yourself. 

 

Fuck off and let me work.

 

Hugs & Kisses!

 

Brennan!

I don't have anyone to whine to anymore

1. My family doesn't seem to want to participate in the family site anymore.  I've spent a lot of time and money on that. 
2. I need to get past my mental block about financial management.
3. I'm tired.
4. I want to learn drupal tonight, but see #3
5. I was supposed to clean tonight, but see #3
6. I was so not vegan today,  Tomorrow I'm vegetarian.  Sunday I start fasting for four or five days.  Raw foods fast.  we'll see how it goes.
7. I like numbered lists.
8. I miss my friend, but refuse to ever talk to said friend again.
9. I miss my mom.
10. I need to do homework.  See #'s 2 and 3

 

I am cleaning

I have a not really date tonight.  I don't want it to be a date.  I'm not sure how interested I am in him.  I take that back.  I know I"m not interested in him in any romantic way.  I just hope he feels the same.  There's one guy I like and I don't think I'm giving up on him.  Plus I don't think I want a relationship right now.  But it'll be dinner.  I'll bet my invisible friends any money that he doesn't pay! 

 

Anyway.  I'm cleaning to get ready for the upcoming vaca.  l was supposed to help Romy with her kitchen, but I forgot and spent yesterday being irresponsible spending money I didn't need to spend.  Yet, I'm not experiencing buyers regret yet.  My space solution is solved and I think this is just going to work well.  ANYWAY.  I feel really bad I'm kind of blowing off Romy, but I gotta take care of my stuff here.

 

Well, back to cleaning. 

Dear mama

It's been almost a year. I re-read my posts from after your death and have been crying my stupid eyes out for about a half hour. Crying feels good sometimes. When Im' tense, I look at your picture or I read those letters to force myself to cry.

I have dreamed about you a few times - dreams like you were here with me. You're in my dreams often, but only a few times did I feel it was a visit. The first one was powerful and I won't ever forget it. It was so hard to wake up and realize it was just a dream. You were missing. Dad found you and I was so relieved and thankful and happy. You were sitting in your chair wearing a pretty flower shirt you wore often. You looked so happy and healthy. You were smiling so beautiful. You told me you had so much energy and felt so good. You were telling me you were ok and how happy you were. I went to text my friends that you were back and then I woke up - completely devestated.

I think I'll always feel devestated and broken without you. It's so hard. And so many feelings and issues have come up since you died. I never considered being the only girl in the family. I never realized it would ever be an issue, but it is. The house feels so empty without you. I steal your chair when I'm home and I imagine you're hugging me. That chair has always felt like a hug, so I pretend, as I often do!

I don't like my life without you. Not at all. But I wouldn't ever want you to come back if it meant you were going to be sick. I don't think you would have ever been able to come home again. You would have been in a nursing home, depressed and sickly. I'd give anything to have a visit from you tonight.

Everytime I think about how much I miss you, I break all over again. that's the only way I can explain how it feels. I literally feel broken. I feel like my chest is torn apart and I just want to scream. I want to yell and kick. I want to punch someone. I won't do anything like that because it won't make any difference. I'll just have broken bones to whine about as I cry for you.

I'm going to find an opportunity to volunteer for a week every year after your anniversary. Ideally, I'd like to volunteer at an orphanage that Kenyatta volunteers at. I would find that so fulfilling. I can't have children. I don't see me getting married. I don't even see me being in a position to adopt, no matter how much I want to.

I miss you mom. I hate my life without you, but I keep living it for you.

Got a little netbook today

It's cute.  A little tricky to type.  But it'll serve my purposes, no doubt.  we'll see what all it can do.  Homey at work says they don't do vide very well, but that's not a massive issue. 

I'm such a gadget whore.  It's bad. 

Ugh

I could clean.  I could read.  I could get ahead on homework.  But instead I sit here bored to tears.  I have to clean at some point tonight though.

 

I'm really digging being vegan :)  I had a portabella & tomato sandwich.  YUMMY!  So delicioius.  Next time I'll add garlic to to the mushrooms.  This weekend I had lemon asparagus and chickpea and egglant stew.  It was very good.  Looks like I can cook after all.

 

ok.  i'm going to go play and see if I can't make my own family site!

I am .... I don't know what I am

Frustrated I guess.  This is what I don't miss about living with Turlach,  The moods.  Not that I blame him because I don't.  He's having a mom day.  Everything annoys him today.  The dog puked on him.  I just don't miss this stress.  It's hard having mom days and he seems to be dwelling/suffering more than the rest of us.  I'm not sure why that is and there isn't a damn thing I can do to help.  I wish there was.  I wish he could remember when/if he has a mom dream.  I wish he'd at least look at pictures of her.  But like grandpa always said, wish in one hand and shit in the other then tells me which gets full first. 

 

I hate feeling like this.  stressed and walking on egg shells.  It's not fair to anyone.  He's been like this all night.  I don't know if it was a rough day at work on top of being a bad mom day.  He needs help.  He needs happy pills or counseling - actually both!  We could all use both, actually.  But he is just in a worse place than the rest of us. 

 

and then there's Fin.  Good lord.  I dropped not so subtle hints that I know what's going on.  here's hoping that's deterrant enough for him to stop misbehaving online. 

 

My stressed ass is going to bed...maybe.

dramz

Drama drama drama.  Why do people have to be so dramatic?  For fuxsake, take it easy!

 

Today is going to be long.  In at work by 6, might not leave until 6 and by then outside will be a complete white out.  Who needs to drive safely when you can just work all day instead, right?

I am Vegan :) And I like it

So far so good.  I lost two pounds this week.  Whether or not its due to diet change I don't know, but next week I'll know for sure.  i'm going to keep with the vegan diet and keep strictish about it, too!  Losing weight is very motivating!

Still Vegan :)

It's not so difficult afterall.  Lunch might be a challenge today because I'm going out with my cousin, but I think I can manage.  I made southwestern vegan goulash.  It was yummy!  And it's what's for dinner tonight :)

 

I'm turning out to be not too bad of a cook!! 

I am still Vegan

Day two of being vegan.  I'm still doing it, though today i'm probably more flexatarian than vegan.  I'm making goulash tonight.  Not on purpose, either.  I decided I wanted to try my Boca crumbles and then I added tomatoes.  And then I decided it was close enough so I made goulash.  it's YUMMY!  It makes me think I did something wrong and that it's not really vegan/vegetarian/flexatarian because it's really good!!  Very tastey.  The tomato soup I used wasn't organic though.  It's way too sweet, but I think I toned it down a bit. 

 

Just thought I'd share :)

I am vegan....maybe

I made a halfassed decision yesterday to be vegan as a health thing.  Not because I'm against eating animals or animal products.  I'm a steak and potatoes kinda girl and for health reasons I need to be a sticks and twigs girl for a while.  Not sure how long this phase will last.  While I'm not hungry (had broccoli and hummus for lunch) i'm far from satisfied.  Dinner will most definitely be a challenge, but I'll try!!  I am going to try for two or three weeks to see how it goes.

 

A whole slew of one year anniversaries for mom are coming up.  Yesterday was 10 months.  Friday is one year for when she went in the hospital.  I had to get a mammogram this morning and had a hard time with flashbacks to mom's stay in the hospital.  But I got through it.  Plus having your chest crushed tends to take your mind off of EVERYTHING but the pain!

 

 

!

I started weight watchers again.  This is the heaviest I have ever been and I swear to go if I ever see these numbers again someone will have to put me out of my misery.  I took my measurements today and that was thoroughly depressing.  But yesterday I just got myself back into the WW mindset and I'm determined to do this.  part of me keeps saying to do this for mom, but I'm doing this for me more than for her.  I don't want to have the issues she had.  She was/is proud of me no matter what I do, so she's not motivation enough for me.  One selfish reason is Momus.  I really like him - a lot.  Think about him way too much, but he can't see past the fat suit.  We talk and joke and stuff, but he'll never see me as anything but a coworker.  and I feel ugly.  I know I'm not.  I have a pretty face, but no one sees past the fat.  I feel that's all anyone sees when they look at me. 

 

But mostly, I just want to be healthy.  I want to be a runner.  Weird enough reason, but I do.  I don't run.  My big joke has always been "i don't run unless the ice cream truck is going to fast!"  But really, I think I'd like to go for runs in the morning, but that ain't happening for a LONG time.  It's a goal though.  My first goal, though is 5%.  It's realistic.  And that's how I'm going to lose my weight.  5% at a time. 

 

So there we go.  I'll have to keep this as my WW journal.  And my bitching journal - cuz that's just fun!