Today

Today was kind of boring. I'm dealing with minor hot flashes this afternoon. Today I think I like that better than being freezing ass cold. I am fairly uncomfortable today, but better than last week.

I am on smugmug now, but don't really have anything to upload just yet.

Turlach is torturing himself tonight. If he does piss himself off enough I'll go to damn bed. i'm not in the mood to listen to the whining.

Zeus and Hera had a daughter today. I hope everything went well! I can't seem to log onto work email to find out. Maybe I'll REALLY log in instead of just through webmail. Plus I'm sure Amira didn't check web or info mails either.

Ok. I'm going to look at photography!

I am FREEZING TO DEATH

I'm so cold.  All the time, I'm freezing.  So much for hotflashes!

 

I need to find new places to go online.  I'm very bored with all of the pages that I currently go to.  There's only like 5 pages that I visit anyway.  I used to go EVERYWHERE.  I just need to find new things to look up, I guess. 

 

I think my freezing cold ass is going for a walk to warm up.  But I do have a lot of pain so maybe I should take it easy.  Guess you'll just have to live in suspense while I decide what to do!

I am more comfortable today

Maybe it's because I am not doing didly squat, but I've been comfortable most of the day.  As a matter of fact I'm sitting at my upstairs computer quite comfortably, for the moment anyway.  I want to scan pictures tomorrow!!  I've considered taking the scanner downstairs, but getting the pictures down there would be quite the feat. 

 

Oh well.

 

I'm going to journal in my real journal tonight in hopes that it relieves some of my frustration.  This recovery process sucks my fat ass.  I hate needing help when I feel like I don't really need help.  I'm doing much better.  4-6 more weeks of the BS might kill me.

 

 

I need to focus while I'm sick

I just went to an old friend's myspace page. She's a strange cookie, but I love her to pieces. We used to impersonate celebrities online - it was ALOT of fun. Luckily this was like 8 or 9 years ago. I was old enough to know better, but bored enough to justify it. Anyway....I saw some of her photoshop work and it's fantastic...and she's just playing! So i'm totally jealous. Maybe she has the lite version or maybe cs3 has more simple features....or maybe I'm just not challenged enough to be more artistic. So...I decided that I need to really hone my photo shop skills and build my portfolio with fake projects. Sounds like fraud, but it's actually quite common to fill their portfolios in with work that they either create for themselves or have done for friends.

This was yesterday's experiment. It's a daisy photograph I took sometime this past summer and photoshopped on Friday. I think I might get a print of this to frame. I like it muchly.

Hyr came to visit this afternoon. I wasn't real chatty, but he was a trooper. It was a little uncomfortable. Rowen and her bf are coming over tonight to watch a movie. She's always late so I don't think she'll be here before 8:45. And that's ok, I guess. It's just that I'm tired already. I guess having visitors all the time doesn't really work for me.

I wanted to go to the store today, but walking down the street is all I can do. in and out of the car is difficult. Walking around a store will be impossible. My scar feels irritated today and it seems to be bleeding alot. Well, not a lot, but just more than when the staples were in. At least I'm more comfortable. Having the staples in really sucked.

Ok. i'm off for the moment. done talking!

I'm still sore

I'm still surprised at the pain i'm in.  it sucks.  It's frustrating.  I'm bored bored bored.  I can't really go anywhere.  I'm cold.  I'm whiney.  yet...I don't want to go back to work.  Work has called me enough today to really piss me off.  I'll get over it, but it's irritating.  Amira is doing ok.  She's made some not so minor mistakes which irritate me.  Maybe I am smart.  I don't know.  I just assumed that the things I know, everyone knows.  LIke when you set up a meeting for a group of people and the "owner" of that meeting can't be there, but everyone else still has to go; when you cancel it off of the owners calendar, it gets cancelled for everyone.  This is very common sense to me,  But I need to give her some leeway...she doesn't know.  She doesn't have the experience that I have.  But it's still frustrating.

 

Zeus and Hera are having their baby on Monday.  Hera thinks she'll be able to send me an email.  She's so not going to want to bother with email.  Even I know that much.  Zeus won't think about it.  He'll be to concerned for Hera and the baby.  It doesn't matter to me, but it's cute that Hera wants to try.

 

I want the pain to go away.

 

I want to not be bored.  I'd like to be able to sit at my computer upstairs so that I can maybe scan pictures or feel like I'm being productive.  Sitting here doing nothing is annoying.  Pain is annoying.  I just want to be less annoyed. 

Ok

I'm pathetic, yes.  Last night I posted a blog on both LJ and MySpace, hoping to reach one specific person.  It was a little whiney but 100% true and real about how lonely I am right now.  She just doesn't say shit to me anymore.  She used to be my best friend.  What the fuck.  I know she's changed.  A lot.  And not for the better, that's for sure.  But I was hoping we'd still be friends.  I don't know why I still want to be her friend.  I guess it's because she was my best friend during a very significant part of my life.  Maybe I wasn't a good friend back.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm dillusional to think that I can be friends with someone for a long time. 

 

Whatever.  I"m pissed and hurt, but I'll get over it.

 

Slept all night again.  That's three nights in a row!!  YAY BRENNAN!

 

 

ugh

My scar is very irritated today.  I'm tired.  Can't sleep.  I hate being tired. 

 

Rowen asked me to do a project for work.  I really shouldn't, but I probably will.  I'm more bored than I am tired. 

 

Seriously though, I want to sleep.

 

I've been having a really hard time with the no babies thing.  I tried to go into support chat rooms but all they were doing is soliciting for cyber sex.  It was very frustrating and disappointing.

 

I'm lonely, too.  I sit here all day with no one to chat with.  I text with friends and family, but I want new friends.  I want to talk to someone who understands what I'm going through and how I'm feeling.  And for some reason, I know there's something in me eager to seek out a fight with a stranger who says they don't want to talk to me because I can't have children.  I want to yell and scream and cry, but I can't.  I cry everyday, but not like I want to cry.  I just want to boohoo, but for some reason I haven't let myself let go. 

 

Ok.  gonna find something to either occupy my brain or make me fall the hell asleep.

Hmmm

Henry Rollins will be around my state ... um I forgot to look at dates.  I wonder if Turlach would be interested in going with me.  I love me some Rollins. 

 

OH I HATE THOSE freecreditreport.com ads.  What the fuck?  just because his fucking wife has bad credit doesn't mean HE can't get a mortgage on his own credit.  Take some fucking responsibility asshole.  And what...you can't get a job without good credit?  YES YOU CAN.  Get a fucking education and then you can bitch about not being able to get a new job.  Oh those commercials just rub me the wrong damn way.  They are misleading, dishonest, straight-up scare tactics.  Yep....I hate those commercials. 

I'm sad

I watched a movie, Martian Child, and burst into tears about how I can't have children.  Maybe I need to go back on wellbutrin.  I'm dealing better than I thought I would be, though. 

 

I should be sleeping.  i'm very tired and have a headache, but couldn't fall asleep.  Maybe once Shawn gets home I'll head upstairs, shower and nap.  I know now for tomorrow that I'll need to go upstairs to sleep.  I can't sleep down here.  2:00 is going to officially be naptime from now on. 

 

I think I'm going to play with pictures.  I'ts not very comfortable to sit here with the laptop.  I'll have to figure something else out, i think, but this works well enough for now. 

Dear Turlach

Quit talking about how mom and dad need to lose weight.  They know this.  It's no secret.  You're hurting their feelings and irritating me.

Awww

Uncle Bearach has called everyday to check on me.  He's just the sweetest man.  Both of my uncles on mom's side - Zart and Bearach - are the funniest guys ever and always try to be the guys guys - no feeling tough bastards.  But they are really the sweetest guys ever.  Uncle Bearach called today to see how I was doing and he always uses this stoic voice like he's taking notes.  But when I said "I love you" he quietly said "I love you, kiddo. be good".  it was so sweet!!

I decided

That maybe I'll just sit and learn about photography today.  I still am not feeling well and can't do much, so sitting and looking at and learning about photography sounds like as good as any way to spend the day. 

 

I'm really tired today.  Had a really hard time sleeping last night.  I dont look forward to going to bed like I used to.  It is just uncomfortable to sleep.  I will try to take a nap today, though.  I'm really tired.  exhausted to the point of tears. 

Shutterfly

I'm not sure I like shutterfly that much.  I like the fact that I can store ALL of my pictures there, but I just don't know if it works for me to share with friends.  ofcourse, if I had ANY of my pictures organized in a way to make it easy to share, that'd be a whole other oprah.  I wish there was an easy way to do picasa.  I'll have to look into that, I guess. 

 

I'm really tired tonight.  I didn't take a nap today and I think that's kicking my ass.  Recovery sucks.

 

 

I am in pain

Today's not a great day.  I had a full lunch - bowl of mac and cheeses.  My most favoite meal ever.  I went to the doc this morning because I haven't had bm's and I'm a little sick to my stomach and it was freakign me out.  But the doc, not my normal doc, said I'm fine and was very happy with how i'm getting around. 

 

It's very hard for me to ask for help.  I think that's more obvious to me now and explains why I have a hard time at work.  I won't ask for help.  I don't know what the deal is with me, but I think maybe I feel like asking for help makes me vulnerable and weak.  Two things I never want to be seen as.  I'm strong.  I can do anything.  But in reality, I can't and I have to learn how to change the way I go about things. 

 

Anyway...I've been trying to get in touch with Bozrah.  She's ... I don't know.  I love her to pieces.  She's one of three people I'd consider my best friends, but she's high maitenance.  She needs counseling more than anyone else I know.  We all need it - I'm well aware of that and freely admit I could definitely benefit from professional counseling.  But she needs it desperately.  She is so self doubting. 

 

Ok. I feel like i might actually move some bowels!!  Yes...My life had been reduced to this kind of excitement!

I am home

i'm feeling very very puny, but I'm home.  I have a lot of surgical pain, but suprisingly and happily,  a lot of the pain that I blamed on endometriosis seems to be gone.  all of my internal organs from the bottom of my intestine to the top of my stomach were one solid mass and it makes sense with out I was feeling.

 

I just wanted to drop in and say hello to my invisible friends.  I'm exhausted and going to go upstairs and sleep for a while.

I think

I will concentrate on photography while I'm off of work. Maybe. I'm undecided, really. I don't know what pain I'll be in. I'm considering shortening my time off of work to 6 weeks. But that's mostly because I don't think my doc will give me 8. I hope he does because I think I need the time off, but I doubt he will. He's Dr Asshole for a reason.

Back to photography. I'd like to at least post more pictures here and elsewhere if nothing else. The problem is that all of my pictures are on a portable hard drive. OH! BRILLIANT IDEA. I can hook my external drive to Turlach's computer - he has a dual layer dvd burner. At lest that way I can get dvd's of the pictures. Still...I don't have enough dual layer dvd's. I have over 200 gigs of pictures to back up and it's making me nervous that I don't have backups right now.

Ok. I'll worry about that later. This is a fun distraction, however, from today's big fucking surgery. I'm getting nervous.

Oh! One more thing

But now I forgot what I was going to say. OH! Not that any of you care, but I'm going to set an upload for all of my pictures to go on shutterfly as a back up. I don't know how well that'll go or how many will get uploaded before it kicks me off, but I'm going to try. I need a few back ups for my pictures. I wish I could find a different unlimited free online storage for files. I'd like to back up my raw files, too.

Just thought I'd share!

Today's the day

I didn't think I'd be on or able to even consider blogging today, but it's early and there's no way my ass can get back to sleep. I go to the hospital in two hours.

Word to the wise - don't drink blue gatorade with a drug designed to clean out your system - everything that comes out will be blue. I feel like a damn alien! TMI? sure. Do I care? Not really!

I'm surprisingly calm this morning. I'm going through my nesting sort of thing. I didn't clean my room as I had planned. It's clean enough but if I have visitors, it needs to be cleaner. So I think I'll resort to the "throw it in the closet and shut the door" trick. I can deal with it when I'm able to lift things again.

Phelan has no phone right now, so there's no way for my family to get in touch with him after my surgery. I hate that. I understand, though. My phone gets shut off, too. But he was doing so well! I bet his phone is super expensive though - he has a pricey phone that has a pricey package to go along with it. I can't even afford what he has. Maybe he got it for show when he came home? hard telling. He's like that. I say stick with the cheap. No one cares what kind of cell phone you have. Dont' get me wrong, I'd give my right arm for a blackberry, but I know that'll just addict me that much more to work. But hey...hmm..I bet you good money that if I got a blackberry, work would pay for part of my cell bill!! Now there's an idea! I still need to fill out the form to get them to pay for my wireless at home since I'm sometimes expected to work from home.

Anyway...I think I'll check my work email, shower and the sit, wait and stress. wish me luck, invisible friends!

Lyrics

I am unwritten
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
Pen in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on you face
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
Noone else can speak the words on your lips
Drench your self in words unspoken
Life your life with arms wide open
Today ends where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten


I don't know why but I just like those lyrics. I was all excited this morning that someone actually read a blog of mine. Even if it was just for lyrics, I'm still excited :)

Tomorrow is the big day

In 24 and half hours, I'll be laying on a surgical table completely naked and vulnerable.  After the nurses and technicians get a good laugh at my fat ass, they'll be cutting me open and removing my hopes and dreams of having my own child.  A thoughtless pig at work asked me if I'm excited.  Absolutely.  Can't wait to meet the man of my dreams and have him not be interested after he finds out I can't have kids.  Actually, I guess at that point he woudln't be the man of my dreams, but it'll hurt just the same.  It already hurts. 

 

I've been doing my best all weekend to keep my cool and play it all off like I"m fucking fine.  I'm not fucking fine.  not even a little bit.  I just want tomorrow to be over with so I can fucking move on.  The 'rents are down here this weekend and dad gets this tone in his voice that annoys the shit out of me on a good day.  ON a bad day like today I just want to scream and storm off.  I honestly just want to be left the fuck alone, but I know that's not going to happen - not by a long shot.  So....I'll find ways to distract me.  Maybe take some pictures somewhere.  Spend money I really don't have.  Drive around using my $4/gallon gas.  I might even (more like have to) do laundry.  As long as everyone quits asking me what they can do for me or how I'm feeling.  You can all do me a favor by shutting up and leaving me alone.  I feel horrible.  Piss off.

 

I try not to be foul mouthed but for some reason today it's a big stress reliever.

 

I want chinese food today.  I can't eat.  I will have to suffice with jello, broth or juice.  Scrumpdillyicious. 

 

can't I just lay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself?  Where's the fucking harm in that.  For a girl who's definitely an emotional eater, taking away my right to food is not working out too well.  FUcking Dr Asshole better fix me up good or I'll fucking .... probably do nothing and just regret having this surgery the rest of my life.  That's the reality of my life.

 

Maybe I can get all profound after surgery. 

 

Miss me much, invisable friends!  You won't hear from me for at least a week.  Have fun with your invisable lives.  eat some invisable chinese crab bake for me.