I am fussy (I think i've been that before)

i'm worried about mom and dad.  I hate that they are unable to take care of themselves.  it's so sad.  Dad...he's in his own little world most the time and he's either purposely not doing things that need to get done, or they just don't exist to him.  I don't know if that's part of parkinsons or not, but he's scaring me.  So is mom.  Seeing what she types on our family site - I don't know if she doesn't have her thoughts together or just isn't reading what she's typed before she posts.  She's not making sense.

 

I'm also fussy about Aunt Amira.  The older cousins don't call her "Aunt" and I find that extremely disrespectful.  Mentally disabled or not, she is still our Aunt.  Give her that respect!

 

 

I never said I was a quick learner

What I taught myself today is very old hat to a lot of designers.  Everything I know is self taught, so I always have a bigger learning curve than those who have a fancy schmacy edumication!  What did I learn, you ask?  I learned how to make images with transparent backgrounds.  I always knew how to make gifs transparent, but I hated the quality, so I found ways around having transparent backgrounds.  But now I need the transparency and discovered just why people use png files instead of gifs.  I never really looked into the benefits of png vs gif, but now I see it.  I'm so very excited for myself!

 

I hate that my learning curve is like this, but I can't afford any formal graphics training and my company won't pay for it.  So...I play and learn.  And really, that's kind of the fun way to do it, anyway.  I retain much more having tried and tried and finally succeeded at whatever task. 

 

So...yay me!  I can move on with the redesign :)  WOOHOO!

I am thinking

Thinking can be dangerous!  Apparently I have lots of things on my mind this morning. 

 

I have a huge wish list of what I consider necessary electronics I must have.  I need my own laptop.  At the very least I need a new computer, be it a laptop or desktop.  I'll probably go with a desktop because you get more bang for your buck, but I'd like both a new desktop and laptop.  I found the desktop I want.  it's 2300 I think.  But it's also a TV.  It's a touch screen, which I don't find necessary at this point.  I want a tablet - there are very expensive ones that I'd love, but I'd settle for just a medium priced one.  I want more portable memory.  I need more cards for my camera.  Hell...I need more lenses, batteries, maybe a different case, and maybe a portable card reader so I can dump cards as they get full should I be hired to for weddings or whatever.

 

That reminds me.  I haven't been in touch with that girl about her wedding pictures.  With everything that's gone on with mom, it just slipped my mind and isn't a huge priority.  I think I'd charge $500.  I don't know if that's expensive or not, but that's what I'd charge.  Half up front, and half on delivery.  That also reminds me...thinking about that finally helped me figure out what a contract would look like for any business that I do.

 

The other thing on my mind is that I HAVE to get that application in for Baker College.  Do I apply for financial aid first?  I don't know how that works.  I guess it would make sense to make sure I can get approved before applying.  And since I've waited this long to apply, I won't be starting school until February.  But that's ok with me, I guess.  I need to write my essay, but I don't know what to say.  Originially my reason for wanting my MBA was shallow.  Weezie told me she was getting hers, so I decided I have to get one too.  But it had already been on my brain for a while.  I had asked both Zeus and Hestia if they thought it was a good idea.  They didn't give me answers I liked so I decided that yes...it's a good idea.  Zeus asked why I needed an MBA to be his assistant.  Hestia said I don't need an MBA to be a designer.  Why are those answers not good?  Because those answers tell me that they don't think my ambitions go farther than the work I'm currently doing.  Their answers said I'm content where I am and that I don't want more.  I do want more.  I want to be a leader.  I want to be a director.  My ideal job, I think, is an art director, or director of marketing.  I'm not even close to that level of work because I feel I need more education to thoroughly understand the business side of my work.  I'm just beginning to be involved in budgeting and in creating marketing plans from conception through completion.  I want to be more involved.  I want to eventually be the leader, the director.  Without an MBA, I don't feel that's going to be possible.

 

Why Baker?  I feel that Baker offers me the flexibility I need in an educational program.  I work alot of hours.  Especially once I start freelancing, attending classes would be nearly impossible for me.  Having the opportunity to complete a degree online is perfect for my situation.  I'm able to do course work before my job, during lunch break, after work before I go home, on weekends - it fits to my lifestyle at this point in time.  That's not to say that I won't miss the classroom.  I'm an education junkie - I'd love nothing more than to sit in a classroom all day long, learning learning learning!  When i was doing research on what MBA programs were suitable for me, Baker came up every time as a leader in business education.

 

I want the degree for two reasons.  One is to potentially get a promotion at work.  The other is to obtain another job at a higher level with a different company.  In economic times like we have currently, there really is no such thing as job security.  Receiving and MBA in Marketing is necessary to continue on my career path.  I have the ambition and drive to complete this degree program successfully.

 

This was good for me...I think there's an entrance essay in here.  I just needed to get started somewhere.  My invisible friends are always a good place to start.

I am fucking crabby today

I want to be left the fuck alone and that's impossible in this house full of people.  And it's not full of normal people.  They're all fucking obnoxious as hell.  Fin stinks.  Puberty sucks for him.  Turlach annoys the fuck out of me.  Dad drives me insane.  Maybe I need a goddamn nap.

 

The dogs are even driving me insane.  Maybe I need a real meal and not just junk. 

bills bills bills

I'm attempting this morning to sort ot my medical bills.  They are a mess!  Bt I think I have some of it figured out.  Some stuff I have to find receipts for, but can't.  One payment I made I have absolutely no clue what it was for and therefore do not have a receipt.  I'll gladly pay them back for that.  Everything else I can find for the most part.  bleh.  frustrating.  But one thing is good - the BIG bill isn't overwhelming.  I could actually pay that this friday if I wanted.  And I might, given I can straighten everything else out first.

I decided...

...that Facebook and MySpace were created to remind people that no one liked them in high school.

I am going to cry

Illustrator for some reason is no longer working properly on my computer.  When I try to save something it shuts down.  Fuck.

I am the font queen!

I currently have 10,450 fonts.  I haven't looked at them all yet.  6K I know and have looked at, but I purchased an 8K package on Friday.  Clearly lots of repeats, but still hit the jackpot on getting more fonts.  It's a sickness, I know.  But I don't know how other designers can work with only like 20 fonts and honestly the still get better results than I do.  I like fonts, though.  I just do.  I do lots of personal design stuff for friends family and clients (well, potential clients) and I use different fonts all the time.  I'm using three different computers right now, though, so making sure I have all the same fonts on all computers can be tricky, but I always have my master folder on my portable drive. 

 

Speaking of which, I need to get DVD's to back up said portable drive as well as a second drive.  I'm running out of room.  Zeus said he doesn't get how anyone needs 500 gigs.  I told him he's not taking the right pictures!  300 gigs are just pictures. 

 

Anyway...Today is chore day.  I"m doing laundry, cleaning my room (kinda) and working on my resume and portfolio.  I'd also like to scan some pictures too but I don't know if I'll make time for that.

 

 

What the hell?!

I'm FINALLY beginning to get my portfolio thoughts together and started looking in my city for other designers portfolios.  What the F?  Design firms...firms i've interviewed at, have shittastic websites, if you can even call them websites.  It's a splash page with a phone number listed, an email address and a link to a pdf of their portfolio.  Really?  Is that what companies here are reduced to?  Or is that common?  Do all companies do this?  No.  I looked for firms in Chicago and they have normal websites.  At last normalcy was restored but i'm still flaborgasted.  One firm in particular that I was very disappointed to not get a job at has NOTHING for a website now.  No email address, even.  Just a phone number and a pdf.  The pdf says NOTHING about the company and just has samples of their work.  It's all stuff I can do in my sleep, so I'm not impressed with them anymore.  I just don't understand though.  If this is the trend of things to come, then yes - I'll have to move to Chicago to get work.  I know I can't freelance.  It's too competitive and I really don't want to do it.  I want a job with an office and benefits. 

 

I don't really know if I can stay at my current job.  The company is doing so poorly I don't know how they'll manage to stay afloat and I don't want to go down with the ship.  On the other hand, if they stay working there are such exciting projects coming up that I really want to be part of.  That could turn into a whole other Oprah - I don't think they'll involve me as far as graphic design goes and that will fucking piss me off.  You're broke and you have a very capable marketing department, but you've hired an outside marketing firm?  WTF?  And who hired that firm...THE MARKETING DIRECTOR!  Says a lot about her skills and confidence.  She won't include mne in things...I just know it.  I want to be involved in projects from conception to completion, but they won't let me.  I'm more capable than any of them are and still they doubt me. 

 

I guess I'm more angry than I admit. 

Dear Not Hollys Mom

FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX SHIT ON YOUR OWN.  I'm not IT.  I'm not paid to trouble shoot your bullshit Word issues.  I just want to get my fucking job done. 

Dear Hestia

If you are going to have a meeting that gives me assignments, I should absolutely be at that fucking meeting. 

 

You and Zeus have a nifty way of making me feel worthless.  Thanks for that.

I am here

Been feeling good this week.  YAY.  I think I could really dig living alone.  I know I could because I don't look forward to Turlach coming home from deer camp.

 

Anyway...

 

Why can't people follow directions?  I've found that several times at work this week that people just don't listen.  I don't know why anyone tries to take control of my projects.  In the end, I'm going to do what's best for the project and not what others like.  I don't want a calendar filled with employee pictures.  They mostly suck and it won't be interesting to people outside of work.  This calendar I'm making isn't just for CE.  it's not just internal.  We went through 2000 last year and we only have maybe 600 employees.  Customers take them.  Sponsors ofcourse get them and why would they want to sponsor a calendar of stupid employee pictures?  They wouldn't.  End of story.  So...I'm very much in the mind set of doing what I want when I want to do it. 

 

 

I Am Going Insane

Slowly but surely I'm going insane.  I'll get there pretty quick if this day doesn't end though.  headache from hell to begin with.  Computer problems galore.  Zeus fuck ups galore (not my doing, but being considered my fault).  I need a massage!

 

 

Dear you

Really.  Fuck you.  I get it.  I'm nothing here.  You make decisions for me too easy lately and that makes me sad.

Dear Amira

You fucked up.  Again.  I don't think you should be up here.  All you do is fuck things up lately.  Use some fucking common sense.  I'd rather work 16 hours a day knowing everything is being done right than have to go around and clean up your fucking messes.

Dill Emmas

So things are screwy in these parts lately!  I'm back to work which would normally be a good thing, but now it's just a confusing fucked up thing.  I asked for a specific type of raise at work.  My work has this weird "rating" system, for lack of a better term.  The level of work I'm rated and paid for is administrative assistant.  That's level 4, the lowest you can be in salary.  The level of work I really do is 7/8.  I asked to be moved to the appropriate level for the work required of me.  Nope.  They said in five years I could do it since my "skills aren't quite there."  Well if they aren't there, then show me another person in the company who can do the type or work I do and I'll gladly learn from them.  But there isn't anyone else who can do what I do.  If there is, they aren't admitting it. 

So here's the dilema.  While I"m very frustrated with my salary, I do love my job.  I love 95% of what I do.  I have fun with co-workers.  I just really enjoy my job.  But I can't afford to work there anymore.  I feel underappreciated.  I'm WAY underpaid.  It hurts my feelings.  So I know I need to look for a new job, and I am doing that.  But deep down inside, I don't want to leave my job.  There are potentially very exciting things to come for the company, no matter how bad it's doing right now.  I want to be a part of that.  I've never liked a job before and I know damn well I won't like a job the way I like this one.  Nothing will ever measure up.  Ever.  And living in the state of Michigan, there just are no jobs around, so I'll end up having to move to probably Chicago or something.  While moving to a REAL city sounds fun, I don't want to move farther way from the family than I already am.  Mom's been very sick.  Dad's not doing much better than she is...I just can't be farther than a half day drive away.

This being an adult stuff is absolute bullshit.  I know I will have to leave but I do NOT want to.  I've procrastinate the entire weekend away.  I should have worked on my resume and gotten my portfolio together, but I didn't even try.  This sucks.

Dear Hundo

I am not here for your bidding.  I don't sit here and wait for you to ask me to do something.  Occasionally I have my own things to do.  Go fuck off and print things yourself.

Letters

Dear Gether -

 

I think you might need ridilin!  FOCUS.  It's a really great thing to do!  I don't have the time to answer your questions and answering them only makes me realize what the fuck am I doing still working here?

 

Dear Zeus -

 

I really do like working for you, but you piss me off sometimes.  It's nice to know that i'll never move ahead and that I'll only ever be seen as an assistant.  That hurts my feelings and pisses me off to no end.  YOU piss me off to no end sometimes.

 

Dear Zeus' friend -

 

I want to meet you!!  I hope you're not married because you are such a huge flirt.  I love talking to you on the phone.  You need a name.  I'll figure that out later.

 

Dear everyone else.

 

Fuck off

 

 

Dear invisble friends -

 

I bet you really missed my letter!

 

 

Smooches!

 

Brennan!

Dear Gether

I have a Masters degree in multimedia.  MASTERS. DEGREE.  I have 15 years experience with webdesign and I still don't know everything.  NO!  IT'S NOT FUCKING EASY TO CREATE WEBPAGES WITH FLASH CONTENT!  You didn't even know what I was looking at when I brought up the source code of the page, what the fuck makes you think you can figure it out by the end of the day you know it all piece of shit?  Think my job is so easy...fucking take it because I'm not sure I want it anymore.

Today's the day

Today decides whether I stay in GR or move to Chicago.  I'm not really nervous, but anxious.  I wish they thought more of me here.  It fucking sucks ass that I have to fight for every little thing in my life and I'm damn sick and tired of that, but whatever.  I'll know by noon what's going on. 

 

I've been having pain the last couple days.  I don't like that.  I might need to call the dr.