I am still with mom

We're still in the hospital.  She's now in isolation because of a new bacteria present in her body - one that is highly contagious, apparently.  It supposedly doesn't pose a threat to her health or a change in her health status.  It's just another bacteria her body is fighting.  It's similar to MRSA in that it doesn't respond to most anitbiotics.  It is treatable, though.  I imagine this kind of puts a definitely status of having to spend Christmas in this dumbass hillbillyville city. 

 

I hate the Roloffs.  Or maybe it's TLC I hate.  It's hard to tell because god knows how their lives are edited for viewership.  Their display of wealth is disgusting, especially in times like these.  Hiring people to decorate your house when you have 4 very healthy and able children to do it is absolutely ridiculous.  Spending that kind of money when people can't afford gifts makes me sick.  I'm one of those people who can't buy gifts for anyone this year.  I'm spending all of my money on this stay in the hospital with mom.  It's not free...trust me. 

 

There was supposed to be a big storm today but it seems to have pooped out.  I was hoping dad would come visit...so was mom.  But he's pissing me off.  I feel he's being lazy as hell.  If the weather is fine he needs to get his ass up here.  That's BS that he is at home.  It hurts moms feelings but she'd never admit that.

 

I'm sick to death of hospital food.

 

What else can I whine about?  I'm irritated that mom has a different nurse every 8 hours.  She never has the same nurse twice and constantly has to re-explain why she's in the hospital.  It's tiresome. 

 

Ok.  I'm done wining....for now anyway!

I am irritable

Everything is pissing me off tonight. I'm so fucking tired.  Dad is both irritating and depressing me. 

I've been...

living in a hospital for two weeks with my mother.  It's interesting watching the people in the ICU waiting room.  You get your share of narrow minded piece of shit hillbillies.  Then you get this lady like the one next to me who is just bitching up a storm about how she gets sick everytime she comes to the hospital and how ridiculous their rules are.  And she's so aunt zwartha - putting in her two cents and correcting everything her husband is saying on the phone.  Good lord woman...let him talk.

 

But it's also making me think...maybe men just aren't sticklers for details like women are.  My dad and brother do the same thing.  They kind of gloss over the detials of a situation whereas I want to get into every little piece of information so people understand what I'm talking about. 

 

And woman next to me doesn't like people nusing cell phones in the hospital....so I think I'm going to call everyone I've ever met!

I am living in a hospital

...with my mom.  Mom has a staph infection in her blood.  It probably snuck in through a crack in her heel and has wreaked havoc ever since.  She went into septic shock and had a heart attack.  She was near death for a few days.  it has bee the most frightening experience I've ever had to deal with.  her blood pressure is still unstable.  She's going between 80/45 to 220/180.  They're doing everything they can do stabelize it.  She had surgery this past wednesday on her hip, where they believe the staph infection has made a cozy little home.  Monday she'll have another surgery to irrigate the hip again and insert a new ball and spacer in her hip.  I hope it won't be excrutiating for her.  I want her to come home.

 

And I feel so selfish.  I want to go home.  I need a shower today and have to figure out how I'm going to make that happen.  I'll gladly pay $20 for a room at the hospitality house just for the damn shower!

I am thankful yet worried

I'm privy (sort of) to specific information and I am thankful that said information is in my favor.  I'm sad for whose favor it is not in.  And I'm scared that it's not the end of the depression.  They are also doing a pay cut.  I better not be included on that.  I'll be BEYOND pissed.

 

 

Well...

I think the jury is still out on Facebook.  People are emailing me now because Turlach deleted his account.  Whatever.  The only reason Ciriddy emailed is because she has an obsession with Turlach.  Turlach was not nice to her at all.  He used her and should be ashamed of himself.  On the otherhand, it's too bad Ciriddy doesn't think that Turlach is a pig and still wants him.

 

Nothing against Turlach at all - love him to pieces.  But I've been on Ciriddy's side of that kind of relationship and it's not fun nor is it fair.  It's bullshit, actually.

 

Work's been keeping me very busy.  I'm doing my best to stay focused.  yesterday was good.  Today is starting off ok, but not stellar.  I got some things out of the way that I don't like to do.  At least I don't really have to think about them for the rest of the day.

 

I'm wearing a green sweater today.  it fits but to me it feels tight.  It doesn't look bad - as a matter of fact it looks good, but I'm so far from comfortable.   And my incision has been hurting.  i'm considering going to the dr about it.  I'm starting to get a little worried. 

I am always late

Late on bills, anyway.  I just paid cable online for the first time.  I remember to pay the cable bill when cable service is shut off.  Anyway...after I submitted the payment, it said it might take THREE DAYS to complete the transaction.  WHAT?  That better not mean it'll take them three days to turn service back on.  fuckers.

I did it

I applied for the MBA program.  I'm feeling insecure about it, but i'tll be just fine, I'm sure. 

 

I want to write more but I keep getting distracted with work!

Good lord

Things and people are stressful and pissy today!  WTF is going on!?!?

I am fussy (I think i've been that before)

i'm worried about mom and dad.  I hate that they are unable to take care of themselves.  it's so sad.  Dad...he's in his own little world most the time and he's either purposely not doing things that need to get done, or they just don't exist to him.  I don't know if that's part of parkinsons or not, but he's scaring me.  So is mom.  Seeing what she types on our family site - I don't know if she doesn't have her thoughts together or just isn't reading what she's typed before she posts.  She's not making sense.

 

I'm also fussy about Aunt Amira.  The older cousins don't call her "Aunt" and I find that extremely disrespectful.  Mentally disabled or not, she is still our Aunt.  Give her that respect!

 

 

I never said I was a quick learner

What I taught myself today is very old hat to a lot of designers.  Everything I know is self taught, so I always have a bigger learning curve than those who have a fancy schmacy edumication!  What did I learn, you ask?  I learned how to make images with transparent backgrounds.  I always knew how to make gifs transparent, but I hated the quality, so I found ways around having transparent backgrounds.  But now I need the transparency and discovered just why people use png files instead of gifs.  I never really looked into the benefits of png vs gif, but now I see it.  I'm so very excited for myself!

 

I hate that my learning curve is like this, but I can't afford any formal graphics training and my company won't pay for it.  So...I play and learn.  And really, that's kind of the fun way to do it, anyway.  I retain much more having tried and tried and finally succeeded at whatever task. 

 

So...yay me!  I can move on with the redesign :)  WOOHOO!

I am thinking

Thinking can be dangerous!  Apparently I have lots of things on my mind this morning. 

 

I have a huge wish list of what I consider necessary electronics I must have.  I need my own laptop.  At the very least I need a new computer, be it a laptop or desktop.  I'll probably go with a desktop because you get more bang for your buck, but I'd like both a new desktop and laptop.  I found the desktop I want.  it's 2300 I think.  But it's also a TV.  It's a touch screen, which I don't find necessary at this point.  I want a tablet - there are very expensive ones that I'd love, but I'd settle for just a medium priced one.  I want more portable memory.  I need more cards for my camera.  Hell...I need more lenses, batteries, maybe a different case, and maybe a portable card reader so I can dump cards as they get full should I be hired to for weddings or whatever.

 

That reminds me.  I haven't been in touch with that girl about her wedding pictures.  With everything that's gone on with mom, it just slipped my mind and isn't a huge priority.  I think I'd charge $500.  I don't know if that's expensive or not, but that's what I'd charge.  Half up front, and half on delivery.  That also reminds me...thinking about that finally helped me figure out what a contract would look like for any business that I do.

 

The other thing on my mind is that I HAVE to get that application in for Baker College.  Do I apply for financial aid first?  I don't know how that works.  I guess it would make sense to make sure I can get approved before applying.  And since I've waited this long to apply, I won't be starting school until February.  But that's ok with me, I guess.  I need to write my essay, but I don't know what to say.  Originially my reason for wanting my MBA was shallow.  Weezie told me she was getting hers, so I decided I have to get one too.  But it had already been on my brain for a while.  I had asked both Zeus and Hestia if they thought it was a good idea.  They didn't give me answers I liked so I decided that yes...it's a good idea.  Zeus asked why I needed an MBA to be his assistant.  Hestia said I don't need an MBA to be a designer.  Why are those answers not good?  Because those answers tell me that they don't think my ambitions go farther than the work I'm currently doing.  Their answers said I'm content where I am and that I don't want more.  I do want more.  I want to be a leader.  I want to be a director.  My ideal job, I think, is an art director, or director of marketing.  I'm not even close to that level of work because I feel I need more education to thoroughly understand the business side of my work.  I'm just beginning to be involved in budgeting and in creating marketing plans from conception through completion.  I want to be more involved.  I want to eventually be the leader, the director.  Without an MBA, I don't feel that's going to be possible.

 

Why Baker?  I feel that Baker offers me the flexibility I need in an educational program.  I work alot of hours.  Especially once I start freelancing, attending classes would be nearly impossible for me.  Having the opportunity to complete a degree online is perfect for my situation.  I'm able to do course work before my job, during lunch break, after work before I go home, on weekends - it fits to my lifestyle at this point in time.  That's not to say that I won't miss the classroom.  I'm an education junkie - I'd love nothing more than to sit in a classroom all day long, learning learning learning!  When i was doing research on what MBA programs were suitable for me, Baker came up every time as a leader in business education.

 

I want the degree for two reasons.  One is to potentially get a promotion at work.  The other is to obtain another job at a higher level with a different company.  In economic times like we have currently, there really is no such thing as job security.  Receiving and MBA in Marketing is necessary to continue on my career path.  I have the ambition and drive to complete this degree program successfully.

 

This was good for me...I think there's an entrance essay in here.  I just needed to get started somewhere.  My invisible friends are always a good place to start.

I am fucking crabby today

I want to be left the fuck alone and that's impossible in this house full of people.  And it's not full of normal people.  They're all fucking obnoxious as hell.  Fin stinks.  Puberty sucks for him.  Turlach annoys the fuck out of me.  Dad drives me insane.  Maybe I need a goddamn nap.

 

The dogs are even driving me insane.  Maybe I need a real meal and not just junk. 

bills bills bills

I'm attempting this morning to sort ot my medical bills.  They are a mess!  Bt I think I have some of it figured out.  Some stuff I have to find receipts for, but can't.  One payment I made I have absolutely no clue what it was for and therefore do not have a receipt.  I'll gladly pay them back for that.  Everything else I can find for the most part.  bleh.  frustrating.  But one thing is good - the BIG bill isn't overwhelming.  I could actually pay that this friday if I wanted.  And I might, given I can straighten everything else out first.

I decided...

...that Facebook and MySpace were created to remind people that no one liked them in high school.

I am going to cry

Illustrator for some reason is no longer working properly on my computer.  When I try to save something it shuts down.  Fuck.

I am the font queen!

I currently have 10,450 fonts.  I haven't looked at them all yet.  6K I know and have looked at, but I purchased an 8K package on Friday.  Clearly lots of repeats, but still hit the jackpot on getting more fonts.  It's a sickness, I know.  But I don't know how other designers can work with only like 20 fonts and honestly the still get better results than I do.  I like fonts, though.  I just do.  I do lots of personal design stuff for friends family and clients (well, potential clients) and I use different fonts all the time.  I'm using three different computers right now, though, so making sure I have all the same fonts on all computers can be tricky, but I always have my master folder on my portable drive. 

 

Speaking of which, I need to get DVD's to back up said portable drive as well as a second drive.  I'm running out of room.  Zeus said he doesn't get how anyone needs 500 gigs.  I told him he's not taking the right pictures!  300 gigs are just pictures. 

 

Anyway...Today is chore day.  I"m doing laundry, cleaning my room (kinda) and working on my resume and portfolio.  I'd also like to scan some pictures too but I don't know if I'll make time for that.

 

 

What the hell?!

I'm FINALLY beginning to get my portfolio thoughts together and started looking in my city for other designers portfolios.  What the F?  Design firms...firms i've interviewed at, have shittastic websites, if you can even call them websites.  It's a splash page with a phone number listed, an email address and a link to a pdf of their portfolio.  Really?  Is that what companies here are reduced to?  Or is that common?  Do all companies do this?  No.  I looked for firms in Chicago and they have normal websites.  At last normalcy was restored but i'm still flaborgasted.  One firm in particular that I was very disappointed to not get a job at has NOTHING for a website now.  No email address, even.  Just a phone number and a pdf.  The pdf says NOTHING about the company and just has samples of their work.  It's all stuff I can do in my sleep, so I'm not impressed with them anymore.  I just don't understand though.  If this is the trend of things to come, then yes - I'll have to move to Chicago to get work.  I know I can't freelance.  It's too competitive and I really don't want to do it.  I want a job with an office and benefits. 

 

I don't really know if I can stay at my current job.  The company is doing so poorly I don't know how they'll manage to stay afloat and I don't want to go down with the ship.  On the other hand, if they stay working there are such exciting projects coming up that I really want to be part of.  That could turn into a whole other Oprah - I don't think they'll involve me as far as graphic design goes and that will fucking piss me off.  You're broke and you have a very capable marketing department, but you've hired an outside marketing firm?  WTF?  And who hired that firm...THE MARKETING DIRECTOR!  Says a lot about her skills and confidence.  She won't include mne in things...I just know it.  I want to be involved in projects from conception to completion, but they won't let me.  I'm more capable than any of them are and still they doubt me. 

 

I guess I'm more angry than I admit. 

Dear Not Hollys Mom

FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX SHIT ON YOUR OWN.  I'm not IT.  I'm not paid to trouble shoot your bullshit Word issues.  I just want to get my fucking job done. 

Dear Hestia

If you are going to have a meeting that gives me assignments, I should absolutely be at that fucking meeting. 

 

You and Zeus have a nifty way of making me feel worthless.  Thanks for that.