I have a theory

Jesus was bad and has been in jail and prison for two centuries.  It's the only explanation that explains why every offender suddenly finds Jesus when they are sentenced to jail.  Such is the case of Kasper.  I hope that he proves me wrong and makes me feel like shit for thinking the worst of him.  I don't trust him.  I don't trust that he'll follow the straight and narrow.  I think he should be forced into counseling and rehab.  But it doesn't matter what I think.  What matters is that he has to turn his life around or ... I don't want to even think about what the consequences will be if he doesn't.  Even if the stays straight for a year who's to say it will last past that year.  When he moved to Timbuktu he stayed straight for a year and look how that ended up.  Kasper...please prove me wrong.  Don't hurt your family any more than you already have.

 

enough of that....

 

Today was the company event.  I'm burned to a crisp, sore and exhausted.  I even used sun block!  I helped with clean up and there were only two of us cleaning up the 15 tables in the parking lot, and only I was carrying each table half a football field.  I could barely hold a cup of pudding without my arm getting tired.  My hand shakes when I try to drink a coke.  I'm weak.  I get it.  I admit it.  And now i'm exhausted.  I hope I'm not too sore tomorrow.  I'd like to look for apartments and do some cleaning.  This is my last chance to get my room done before surgery.

 

Two weeks.  I'm so scared and so very sad.  I know part of the sad tonight is just being so tired, but seeing all those beautiful kids today knowing I can't have my own...will never see what kind of child I could make - it absolutely breaks my heart more than I will ever admit to anyone.  Only my invisable friends are privy to this information, and I know you guys aren't talking!  And my dr...she's fucking ridiculous.  She keeps writing that I"m dpressed.  Well fucking duh CIndy Lou Hoo.  I'm destroying any chance I have for creating a baby.  How the fuck do you expect me to feel?  I'm not going to get a hair cut or lypo suction.  I'm young and have no children and have to have a hysterectomy.  Do you expect me to be all "Oh, big deal?"  Well fuck you.  This IS a big deal.  Too bad you're a heartless bitch who doesn't fucking get it. 

 

No.  I'm not bitter.

Late

Friday night.  I'm tired but I know when I go to bed I won't be able to sleep.  I had my pre-op appointment today.  Waste of time, really.  She can't do my STD forms, so I still have to go see Dr W.  He could have done my pre-op and I wouldn't have to pay to office visits.  Pain in my ass.  I need to get into W on Monday.  I have to get those papers signed and process before surgery.  Plus I have three simple questions for him:  How long is surgery, how long will I be in the hospital, how long am I out of work?  Simple simple simple.  Maybe the nurse can answer my questions.  That way I won't really have to see W and pay that cost.  We'll see, I guess, but it HAS to get done Monday. 

 

Lots of pain tonight.  It's annoying as all getout.

 

Picnic tomorrow.  I half hope it'll rain because it's supposed to be 90 and muggy.  YUCK.  I'm wearing my jean skirt and a tshirt.  I hate skirts, but no way am I hanging out in hot weather in jeans.  Hell no!  I don't care how ugly my legs are.  Maybe if it's sprinkly I can move my photo booth to the learning labs.  Tht'd be awesome.  Air conditioning!!  I need to take things for recylcling, too, so I can get entered into the drawing for the TV.  Recycling or donations.  I have three bags of clothes to donate.  That'd be the perfect place to take them.  I think I'll probably just grab one bag though because I don't feel like dealing with three.

 

Ok.  I think my camera is done so I'm off to bed e bye!  Good night, invisable friends!

So

I hadn't planned on taking a lunch today since I have a pre-op this afternoon.  But I'm likely going to come back to the office after the Dr visit and will likely stay until 6:30 or so.  So...I'm going to lunch with Danny.  Plus she said the magic words:  Longhorn!  I love that place and who am I to say no, right?  Moo moo says the cow, but oh well says Brennan. 

 

I don't feel very motivated today.  And though my period has stopped, I still have really bad cramps and pain.  It's ridonculous.  I don't really feel like taking pain pills, but I might have to.  Just the Ibu's though.  I'm not in the mood to feel all stoned up this afternoon from the ultracet. 

 

Kehna doesn't hate me, so that's good.  She said she's writing me back, so I'm waiting ever so patiently for her to write.  I'm sure she's busy at work and it's not easy to write when you're busy.  Unless you're me and you take tons of time in between projects to write!  But that's a whole other oprah, right?

I wonder...

Even using fictitious names, can people I know find my blog?

I'm curions

If I chage the font in my email, will it change the font that goes in my posts?  That'd be supa cool!

 

I really do hope and pray the Kehna isn't mad at me.  Silence always equates anger in my mind.  Something I need to get over, I know, but that's just how my brain works, I guess.

 

Now I need to get busy!  I'm only here a little more than a half day today.  I have my pre-op appointment this afternoon. 

I am shocked

I hope that if anyone in particular reads this that they won't be upset or mad at me. This is afterall my journal and my personal thoughts. Kehna, you know I love you, but this is just how I feel about Kasper right now.

That said, Frydrik and Florentina bailed Kasper out of jail. I honestly don't think it was the right thing to do. I'm sure it will help his case, but if he doesn't get his ass into rehab I fear that bad or worse things are going to happen. Kasper was always a handful, but was never a bad person. I don't think he's a bad person at all. I think he's a drug addict and ghost of what he used to be and what he could be. If for no other reason, he needs to go to rehab to be a good father. he has a beautiful bright and fun daughter. Frydrik and Florentina have given up so much to bail him out time and time again. This really is his last chance. He can't fuck this up. If he does, there's no way he won't end up in prison for 20 years.

I'm really surprised that F and F could afford to bail him out let alone do it at all. I don't care how high he was, Kasper fucked up in a bad way and desperately needs help. Not help from family, either. He needs rehab. he needs counseling. If he doesn't get these, he'll end up back in jail or worse. I also fear for the safety of all of them if Kasper falls into his old habits.

My family is different than most families. My cousins are all much more like siblings to me than cousins. Kehna has always been and will always be my sister and best friend. Her mom used to babysit me and I've always felt close to her. I'm still convinced that Frydrik doesn't like me much, but that's ok. I'm probably wrong. But I love him, too! He's so dedicated and a hard worker and would do anything for his family. I could be so lucky to find a guy like him to marry. I have TONS of cousins on my mom's side and most of us are really close. There are some that can go fuck themselves because they've decided they're too good to be tight with us, but the rest are all wonderful. So I think it's especially difficult when one of our cousins is in trouble. Most other people would be like "he's just a cousin" or something like that. They don't get that we all helped raise each other. We are nothing without each other. When one of us is down, the rest of us worry, pray and hope for the best.

So....I really hope getting Kasper out of jail isn't a mistake. I fear it is, but I hope hope hope he proves me wrong!

I am tired

Drained, too.

I need to apply for the MBA program.

I need to start seriously looking for a place to live. While I'm very much game for the downtown condo rental, I'd much prefer to be closer to work. It'd save in gas money and time. I don't know. I guess wherever I can get a place that I can afford is what I'll do. I'd prefer to wait until I know what kind of raise I'm getting, if any. I'm just completely overwhelmed this afternoon. I need the hysterectomy to be done and overwith. THis waiting is killing me. 18 fucking days.

My very appropriate horoscope....again...

Don't give up yet; the work may be piling up now, but you can get through it all if you just stay focused on what's important. There are, no doubt, all kinds of distractions that can pull you from your mundane commitments, but you'll need to set them aside. Fortunately, the Sun's trine to your key planet Pluto gives you the ability to concentrate your mind power directly on your targeted destination.

Scary how right on it is lately.

Headache is sill sticking around. I think it might be the change in weather. Better than the brain tumor I've been making up.

Turlach called to say he's definitely moving. I'm fine with that, and actually a big cheer leader for him to get out of dodge. However, with my surgery and being broke - I have no idea how I'm going to afford to move let alone move at all. I'll have to be packing while I'm recovering and that doesn't make me a very happy camper. his timing could be more fucked up, but who am I to tell him to please wait until I have a place to live.

I just want to go home and cry. I don't feel good. I'm stressed. I'm scared. I just want to hide.

I'm chatty today, I guess

I miss Cago. He's been gone for two weeks. We email all the time. I started this journal in his absence and am considering sharing it with him. i'm not sure yet, though. I like having my own private place with invisable friends. The whole point of an online blog is for people to read it and if people read mine, great. I just don't want them to know who I am. So...I probalby won't share this with him. I may tell him about it, but if I do that, he'll want to see it. It's not like there's anything in here he doesn't already know or that I won't tell him eventually. My life is an open book to him. We'll see.

I just can't be bothered to care. IN good news, though, it seems the narcotic for the endo pain has worked on my nasty headache. It's still lingering a little bit, but it's not NEARLY as bad as it was before. I need to kick it into high gear this afternoon, too, and get some work done. I worked on event stuff this morning and I feel mostly prepared for my part of it. I think I might print more cards and sign in sheets, but I should be set. There's 145 reservations, and I"ve printed 200 cards. I have 200 more ready to go. I'll have to put Amira on some tasks for me so I can get more done.

I'm off to lunch! I'm going to turn into a cow if I don't start eating right, but fuck it.

I am special

I've been whining about my horrible headache. Hyr gave me a lovely neck massage. It was well needed and did help the headache. Yay for that. It's not really gone, but definnitely feels better. I think maybe once I have lunch I'll be ok. Having only yogurt for breakfast is just not cutting it at all.

I'm surprised that I still have $25 in my checking account. Yay me. I need to make a car payment this week and, ideally, next week, too, but let's not get too wild and crazy! I like to keep the evil car company wanting more :)

I'm really just biding time until lunch right now.

And Hundo...

Oh Hundo just kills me. That voice. That laugh. DRIVES ME INSANE. I just can't tolerate hundo.

I hate having headaches because I get so bitchy and I've been in a good mood for a few days. Fine. I give in. I'll go get caffiene.

Oh my god I think I'm dying

My head hurts so bad today. I can't even concentrate. It sucks. I think I"ll have to go get a coke or something. It's killing me.

Hades is in Zeus' office. Hades drives me nuts. Just thought I'd share!

I am bloated!

I had weird dreams. My hands and feet feel swollen. Please shoot me.

In other news....

I'm going to try to update my Museworx profile today. I need to start getting portfolio's together so I can freelance. I really see that as the only way to make it right now. I don't want to burn the candle from both ends, but I don't think i'll have a choice. I don't see Zeus giving me the raise I want.

Let's see...what else....There went my morning! Boss is in early. WTF?

I am ambivolent

I had my review.  All good things to say.  Negativeish things I expected (clean your desk, learn how to say no, teach, make presentations, be a leader).  He knows I get nervous talking in front of groups.  He also admitted that was the whole point of the monopoly exercise - to get me in front of that group.  If he had at least given me more than 5 minutes notice about running the discussion, I would have been ok.  But that's no longer relavant.  I told him adjusting my level was extremely important to me.  He giggled.  Not sure what to think about that, but it really is that important.  I don't get that raise, I can't stay.  He doesn't get that. 

 

Anyway...it went as well as I could expect.  He has plans for me to learn more about all of the product groups and spending 15 hours a month with a different group.  He desperately wants his HR page finished and I just haven't had time to do it.  It's not like I'm not working, and he said the same thing.  I hope to get that done before I leave (along with everything else).  He said leaving will be good because the everday tasks are going to be picked up by and stay with Marie.  That's awesome for me and awesome for her.  He said when I come back I'll be mostly advanced work.  Again, awesome for me, but I better be compensated accordingly. 

 

As far as the level raise - he's going to discuss a level promotion with Hestia.  She's totally on my side, so I have every confidence my desires will be vocalized by not only me, but a director level employee.  Whether or not he listens and gives me what I want, need and deserve is a whole other Oprah. 

 

Wish me luck, invisable friends...wish me luck!

I am irritated

My review was supposed to have started 15 minutes ago. But he's letting other people come in and talk to him first. he knows this is fucking agony for me. I hate reviews. I hate this review because I need a big raise in order to keep working here and only here. Hyr told me what to expect without flat out telling me: he said, do this before you have your review and get pissed. Nice. I'm not getting the raise I need. And yes. I'm going to be pissed despite the fact that I already know what he's going to say. I hate hate hate reviews. I hate anxiety.

Fun

I got to ride in the jeep with Gus today.  Fun stuff!  We went to BK for lunch.  I feel more relaxed about my review, though still nervous about asking for the raise I want.  I'm not sure how to ask for that and I don't think I'll have time to ask Hyr for advice on how to approach it.

Drama Drama Drama

I should go to lunch.  I hate drama. 

 

There's a big event on Saturday.  I see more drama coming around about it.  Hyr is ready to cancel if there's rain.  Keenan says no way.  They'll have to duke it out at some point.  I'm game for whatever.  I'll be bummed if it's cancelled because that means I could have gone north.  I could still go, I suppose, but this is also the last weekend I have to get the house ready for my surgery.  So...that's what I"ll be doing before and after the event - and during if it's raining.

 

 

Dear Karulo,

You've done this report four times for me before.  Why all the sudden do you think you've never done the report and that it's not possible?  I can give you proof that it's always been done like this and that you're the one who provided the report.  Stop giving me shit and do your job. 

 

I mean that in the nicest way possible.

 

Yours truely,

 

Brennan

Horoscopes are creepy

There's one I get on my google homepage that is always so right on that I feel like someone is stalking me and writing about me!!

 

Horoscope:  You want to look good for your superiors today, so you may spend longer doing those little things you might normally let slide. Not much escapes your critical eye now, but you could get so overwhelmed by the minutiae that you don't accomplish your mission. Although it may not be your first choice, it may be a smart strategy to let quality suffer just a bit so you can finish everything on time.

 

 

Ha!  That's so totally right on.  So I'll just get all that stuff done and not care if it's right.  NOT!  I can't do that.  That's not how I do things.

Lyrics of the day

I don't know if I'll keep this up or not, but let's try!

 

Lyrics of the day:

 

Tell Mr Shoemaker I'll be away

On a rocket or a comet or the dock of the bay

On a canon in a steam ship sailing away

On a oneway ticket on a first class airplane

 

 

I just like that!!  I want to do all of those things!