Still have pain

I am sick of taking pills.  I woke up STARVING.  I need to wait for the pb&j to thaw before I can eat it.  Making me cranky.

 

Turlach seems to be a little pissy this morning.  Oh well.  I don't care.  I made a grocery list.  I hope to go to the store today.  I'll fake being ok just to get the hell out of the house.  We'll see how it goes, though.

 

Um....Fin emailed me this morning!  He so rarely ever emails.  I'm so glad :)  I love that boy.

 

Presidential debates were last night.  I watched them re-run on CNN.  I found it very interesting.  Obama address McCain directly and often called him John and always made eye contact.  McCain referred to Obama as Senator Obama and never made eye contact.  I wonder if analysts caught that (and I'm sure they did) and what they thought about it.  I should look it up online.

 

I tried to download pictures from my camera but the battery died.  That sucks.  I'll have to charge that up today.  There was one picture in particular I wanted to see, so I'll have to wait for that I guess.

I am still frustrated

Pain is RIDICULOUS today.  I can barely tolerate it.  I think I'll go upstairs and lay down.  That's the only time I feel ok.

 

Saw a fucking mouse in the house today.  I don't like living like I do.  I'm messy.  having mice in the house makes me feel dirty.  What if it's in my room?  I don't ahve food up there so I'm not overly concerned, but still....I don't like the thought of a mouse hanging around here.  Unless it's named mickey and can pay rent, it's not welcome.

 

I"m glad I never watched Blue Collar TV.  I just watched an episode and it's really dumb.

 

Um.  I'm not very chatty, I guess.  I wanted to go on about politics and such but don't have the energy for that kind of frustration.  Tonight is the presidential debate.  Should be interesting.  I'd like to watch it, but I'm sure Shawn doesn't care to see it.  I really do want to see it.  I'm watching John Stewart...I love him! 

 

I want milk.  I think I'll make a grocery list thing.  It'll be distracting.  sorta.  As long as Shawn wants to actually shop.  maybe we can go to walmart and I can embarrass myself and use an amigo.  I can't walk but I just can't sit in the house anymore.

I'm grumpy today

Turlach ... well ... I think a lot of it is me and I shouldn't complain about the fact that he thinks we don't need to go to the store (even though we have no food) and I won't complain about how he says one thing and does the opposite.  I'll complain about how my hormones are completely imbalanced and how the doc needs to fix that and how my pain is fucking irritating me and how fustrated I am with sitting here doing nothing.  That's what I'll bitch about.

 

I'm taking a close look at the wedding pictures from well over a month ago so I can edit them.  Again....it's something that Turlach is fucking irritating me about.  FUck you turlach.  You are not my boss.  You are not my agent.  I told them it'd be a while before I could start editing but your fucking little bitchy ass keeps asking why I'm not working on them.  Oh I don't know...I just had my fucking internal organs ripped the fuck out of me and I'm feeling a little less than energetic. 

 

Man I'm fucking pissed today.  This sucks.

Whatever

I'm sick of Turlach complaing about how fucking uncomfortable he is.  Whatthefuckever.  I have a fucking hole in my stomach and internal organs were ripped out.  Fuck you and your discomfort you big baby.

Apparently

Things at work are not good at all.  Something is going on that they're not telling me.  Whatever.  Just gives me more motivation to get the portfolio out there.

 

I think Turlach just came home.  God I hope not.  IF he did, I'll claim exhaustion and go to bed.  I just want to be left alone.  I don't want visitors.  I don't want to listen to him talk about how his abdomen is uncomfortable.  Whatever Turl.  Preaching to the choir.

 

Zeus and Hera finally named the baby. Very pretty name :)  I'm glad they had a girl! 

 

I'm cranky.  I want to do stuff.  I want to do laundry.  I want to go to the damn store.  I want to cook something more than fucking grilled cheese.  I want to take pictures.  I want to go for a ride.  I think I need to talk to the doc about hormones.  Days 3 and 4 i'm moody as fuck.  This isn't working. 

 

I don't think that was Turlach.  The puppy didn't come running!

Wednesday

Yesterday Turlach was quite sick.  He's still not feeling well today.  I wanted him to go to the ER, but he refused.  I understand because he has no insurance.  He needs to find some kind of cheap plan because he can't ignore things like this.  I think he has dad's IBS.  I was feeling great and happy to help him yesterday.  I even drove to the store and that turned out to be a great lesson - I don't need to be driving anywhere.  It hurts!  My incision feels very irritated today.  Oh well.  It'll get better.

 

I"m trying to decide on a movie to watch. 

 

And....I have no business trying to have a portfolio.  My work sucks.  I sit here and surf the net looking at other portfolios, and my work doesn't compare in the least.  I'm not sure how to make my work look as professional as other people's work looks.  My pictures kinda suck.  I'm not as good as I like to think I am.  Some pictures are great, but they are very few and very far between.  And my design work...I don't know.  I consider myself more of a hack than a designer.  I put things together.  I don't create things.  I don't know.  My self esteem isn't booming right now, I guess.

 

I think my hormones are not great.  I think I should change my patch every three days instead of every 4.  I'll talk to the doc about it.  It's not been long enough to be all upppity about not feeling well.  I need to give it more time. 

 

Why am I watching a fucking sad movie????????????  I cry enough as it is.  But it does have Kevin Smith....he's a hoot.

 

Ok.  I am going to further critique my work and feel a little worse about myself!

So

I just can't get over this.  Nafu, the "best friend" who hasn't been in touch with me, still hasn't been in touch.  I'm terribly disappointed in her and I'm having such a hard time getting over it.  I refuse to contact her directly now.  And it's difficult to not do that.  I don't know what her deal is, though.  She's changed alot.  She's miss "you're not important if you don't know celebrities" now.  She used to be a nice person.  I see her as very shallow now.  So given that why do I feel so hurt?  Why do I still want to be friends with her?  I don't fucking get it.  Someone must have dropped me on my head!  She's really turned into the type of person I hated when I lived in LA - she's a name-dropper.  That's the worst kind of person.  Again...that said, why do I want to still be a blip on her radar??????  I DON'T GET IT!

 

Have I mentioned I'm sick of pain?  Because I am.

 

I think I might take the laptop and hard drive upstairs tonight.  I want to work on pictures but I don't feel like staying down here.  Then again, I am quite tired.  Maybe I can do it tomorrow.  I might take the HRD upstairs tonight and work at that computer tomorrow, but it's so hard to sit there.  I'm good with sitting on the couch using the laptop, but sitting at the desk hurts. 

 

I see Claire's brain.  Just thought I'd share.  Sylar's hot.  THought I'd share that, too.  But now he can heal and that's evil.  And poor Claire....I imagine she'll be ok. 

 

Tomorrow I want to definitley go through my photos.  REALLY go through them.  Make edits of the best and start a portfolio.  I'm also going to get my shit together for the MBA application.  I looked for jobs online today and once I have an MBA, I can triple my salary in the right job.  That means I can't stay at Completely Earth forever, but who knows....maybe some day something in the Creative Direction area could open?

 

Turlach is snoring.  Must be nice to fall asleep at the drop of a hat.  I can cry at the drop of a hat.  I wish I could sleep like that!

 

Great.  Nathan is all "I love God" now.  Or maybe he's crazy?  I think he's crazy.  Maybe a lot of his brain died while he was dead. 

Today

Today was kind of boring. I'm dealing with minor hot flashes this afternoon. Today I think I like that better than being freezing ass cold. I am fairly uncomfortable today, but better than last week.

I am on smugmug now, but don't really have anything to upload just yet.

Turlach is torturing himself tonight. If he does piss himself off enough I'll go to damn bed. i'm not in the mood to listen to the whining.

Zeus and Hera had a daughter today. I hope everything went well! I can't seem to log onto work email to find out. Maybe I'll REALLY log in instead of just through webmail. Plus I'm sure Amira didn't check web or info mails either.

Ok. I'm going to look at photography!

I am FREEZING TO DEATH

I'm so cold.  All the time, I'm freezing.  So much for hotflashes!

 

I need to find new places to go online.  I'm very bored with all of the pages that I currently go to.  There's only like 5 pages that I visit anyway.  I used to go EVERYWHERE.  I just need to find new things to look up, I guess. 

 

I think my freezing cold ass is going for a walk to warm up.  But I do have a lot of pain so maybe I should take it easy.  Guess you'll just have to live in suspense while I decide what to do!

I am more comfortable today

Maybe it's because I am not doing didly squat, but I've been comfortable most of the day.  As a matter of fact I'm sitting at my upstairs computer quite comfortably, for the moment anyway.  I want to scan pictures tomorrow!!  I've considered taking the scanner downstairs, but getting the pictures down there would be quite the feat. 

 

Oh well.

 

I'm going to journal in my real journal tonight in hopes that it relieves some of my frustration.  This recovery process sucks my fat ass.  I hate needing help when I feel like I don't really need help.  I'm doing much better.  4-6 more weeks of the BS might kill me.

 

 

I need to focus while I'm sick

I just went to an old friend's myspace page. She's a strange cookie, but I love her to pieces. We used to impersonate celebrities online - it was ALOT of fun. Luckily this was like 8 or 9 years ago. I was old enough to know better, but bored enough to justify it. Anyway....I saw some of her photoshop work and it's fantastic...and she's just playing! So i'm totally jealous. Maybe she has the lite version or maybe cs3 has more simple features....or maybe I'm just not challenged enough to be more artistic. So...I decided that I need to really hone my photo shop skills and build my portfolio with fake projects. Sounds like fraud, but it's actually quite common to fill their portfolios in with work that they either create for themselves or have done for friends.

This was yesterday's experiment. It's a daisy photograph I took sometime this past summer and photoshopped on Friday. I think I might get a print of this to frame. I like it muchly.

Hyr came to visit this afternoon. I wasn't real chatty, but he was a trooper. It was a little uncomfortable. Rowen and her bf are coming over tonight to watch a movie. She's always late so I don't think she'll be here before 8:45. And that's ok, I guess. It's just that I'm tired already. I guess having visitors all the time doesn't really work for me.

I wanted to go to the store today, but walking down the street is all I can do. in and out of the car is difficult. Walking around a store will be impossible. My scar feels irritated today and it seems to be bleeding alot. Well, not a lot, but just more than when the staples were in. At least I'm more comfortable. Having the staples in really sucked.

Ok. i'm off for the moment. done talking!

I'm still sore

I'm still surprised at the pain i'm in.  it sucks.  It's frustrating.  I'm bored bored bored.  I can't really go anywhere.  I'm cold.  I'm whiney.  yet...I don't want to go back to work.  Work has called me enough today to really piss me off.  I'll get over it, but it's irritating.  Amira is doing ok.  She's made some not so minor mistakes which irritate me.  Maybe I am smart.  I don't know.  I just assumed that the things I know, everyone knows.  LIke when you set up a meeting for a group of people and the "owner" of that meeting can't be there, but everyone else still has to go; when you cancel it off of the owners calendar, it gets cancelled for everyone.  This is very common sense to me,  But I need to give her some leeway...she doesn't know.  She doesn't have the experience that I have.  But it's still frustrating.

 

Zeus and Hera are having their baby on Monday.  Hera thinks she'll be able to send me an email.  She's so not going to want to bother with email.  Even I know that much.  Zeus won't think about it.  He'll be to concerned for Hera and the baby.  It doesn't matter to me, but it's cute that Hera wants to try.

 

I want the pain to go away.

 

I want to not be bored.  I'd like to be able to sit at my computer upstairs so that I can maybe scan pictures or feel like I'm being productive.  Sitting here doing nothing is annoying.  Pain is annoying.  I just want to be less annoyed. 

Ok

I'm pathetic, yes.  Last night I posted a blog on both LJ and MySpace, hoping to reach one specific person.  It was a little whiney but 100% true and real about how lonely I am right now.  She just doesn't say shit to me anymore.  She used to be my best friend.  What the fuck.  I know she's changed.  A lot.  And not for the better, that's for sure.  But I was hoping we'd still be friends.  I don't know why I still want to be her friend.  I guess it's because she was my best friend during a very significant part of my life.  Maybe I wasn't a good friend back.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm dillusional to think that I can be friends with someone for a long time. 

 

Whatever.  I"m pissed and hurt, but I'll get over it.

 

Slept all night again.  That's three nights in a row!!  YAY BRENNAN!

 

 

ugh

My scar is very irritated today.  I'm tired.  Can't sleep.  I hate being tired. 

 

Rowen asked me to do a project for work.  I really shouldn't, but I probably will.  I'm more bored than I am tired. 

 

Seriously though, I want to sleep.

 

I've been having a really hard time with the no babies thing.  I tried to go into support chat rooms but all they were doing is soliciting for cyber sex.  It was very frustrating and disappointing.

 

I'm lonely, too.  I sit here all day with no one to chat with.  I text with friends and family, but I want new friends.  I want to talk to someone who understands what I'm going through and how I'm feeling.  And for some reason, I know there's something in me eager to seek out a fight with a stranger who says they don't want to talk to me because I can't have children.  I want to yell and scream and cry, but I can't.  I cry everyday, but not like I want to cry.  I just want to boohoo, but for some reason I haven't let myself let go. 

 

Ok.  gonna find something to either occupy my brain or make me fall the hell asleep.

Hmmm

Henry Rollins will be around my state ... um I forgot to look at dates.  I wonder if Turlach would be interested in going with me.  I love me some Rollins. 

 

OH I HATE THOSE freecreditreport.com ads.  What the fuck?  just because his fucking wife has bad credit doesn't mean HE can't get a mortgage on his own credit.  Take some fucking responsibility asshole.  And what...you can't get a job without good credit?  YES YOU CAN.  Get a fucking education and then you can bitch about not being able to get a new job.  Oh those commercials just rub me the wrong damn way.  They are misleading, dishonest, straight-up scare tactics.  Yep....I hate those commercials. 

I'm sad

I watched a movie, Martian Child, and burst into tears about how I can't have children.  Maybe I need to go back on wellbutrin.  I'm dealing better than I thought I would be, though. 

 

I should be sleeping.  i'm very tired and have a headache, but couldn't fall asleep.  Maybe once Shawn gets home I'll head upstairs, shower and nap.  I know now for tomorrow that I'll need to go upstairs to sleep.  I can't sleep down here.  2:00 is going to officially be naptime from now on. 

 

I think I'm going to play with pictures.  I'ts not very comfortable to sit here with the laptop.  I'll have to figure something else out, i think, but this works well enough for now. 

Dear Turlach

Quit talking about how mom and dad need to lose weight.  They know this.  It's no secret.  You're hurting their feelings and irritating me.

Awww

Uncle Bearach has called everyday to check on me.  He's just the sweetest man.  Both of my uncles on mom's side - Zart and Bearach - are the funniest guys ever and always try to be the guys guys - no feeling tough bastards.  But they are really the sweetest guys ever.  Uncle Bearach called today to see how I was doing and he always uses this stoic voice like he's taking notes.  But when I said "I love you" he quietly said "I love you, kiddo. be good".  it was so sweet!!

I decided

That maybe I'll just sit and learn about photography today.  I still am not feeling well and can't do much, so sitting and looking at and learning about photography sounds like as good as any way to spend the day. 

 

I'm really tired today.  Had a really hard time sleeping last night.  I dont look forward to going to bed like I used to.  It is just uncomfortable to sleep.  I will try to take a nap today, though.  I'm really tired.  exhausted to the point of tears. 

Shutterfly

I'm not sure I like shutterfly that much.  I like the fact that I can store ALL of my pictures there, but I just don't know if it works for me to share with friends.  ofcourse, if I had ANY of my pictures organized in a way to make it easy to share, that'd be a whole other oprah.  I wish there was an easy way to do picasa.  I'll have to look into that, I guess. 

 

I'm really tired tonight.  I didn't take a nap today and I think that's kicking my ass.  Recovery sucks.