Hello world, meet the new laptop

We'll call her MB for now. She's pretty!! Like a bronze color and so shiny and soft. I love her muchly!

Tomorrow is three weeks

Three weeks since mom died.  Today is an easier day than the last two, so far.  But it's early, so you never know what will set me off.  I slept much better last night which was nice.  I just miss mom so much.  I feel so sad and empty and everything is foreign. 

 

Finished my research paper for my dumbass class.  And all the classmates who I have truley learned to despise are in my next damn class.  Please shoot me now.  6 more weeks with these idiots might push me over the edge. 

I need help

I think I'll call some kind of counselor this week.  Over and over I run mom's last two days in my mind and I keep thinking there has to be something I could have done to help her.  What if she didn't want to die?  What if she knew what was going on?  What if she was in pain?  My mom is gone and I'm lost. 

today's song

Statue, by Low Millions

 

The weatherman says goodnight

the Empire State Building's turning off it's lights

the refrigerator stops

and suddenly it's quiet.

I never noticed the ceilings were so low

I never saw all the cracks on the window

I never saw myself as sentimental,

but here I go.

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the floor thinking about you

I talk to myself like the crazies do

otherwise I'm great, what about you?

Ain't nothing going on here but the rent

\I can't account for how my days are spent

I wanna draw the line between who I am

and who I invent.

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the floor thinking about you

I talk to myself like the crazies do

otherwise I'm great, what about you?

The weatherman says blue skies

but it's raining like the clouds all decided to cry,

and every time you hurt me I say

it's all right it's all right it's all right.

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the couch all day like cats do

waiting for the phone to ring, but it won't ring,

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the floor thinking about you

I talk to myself like the crazies do

otherwise I'm great, what about you?

 

-----------

 

This song makes me think about mom

I miss my mom

This is just such a fucking ridiculously unreal time in my life right now.  I have so much going on that should be making me content and happy.  But it doesn't mean shit to me right now.  My mom died.  It doesn't matter how many times I say it, it doesn't seem real.  I just can't belive it.  Maybe I need to talk to someone about it.  I keep myself busy so I don't have to deal with it.

 

I have these awful memories of her last two days.  Did I do something wrong?  Did I push her pain button one time too many?  Could this have been prevented?  Did she know we were there?  Did she hear me ask if she wanted me to say?  Did she really open her eyes wider when I asked that or was it just some involuntary reaction to her brain dying.  I want these questions gone and out of my head.  I can't even remember the sound of her voice or her laugh. 

 

I'm so incredibly sad.  I wouldn't say I'm depressed.  Just so sad and lost.  I don't know how, but the sun comes up everyday and I manage to get out of bed and go to work.  I manage to pretend to be ok at work.  I manage to get my work done and do my homework and exercise and look for more work.  But I don't know how I manage that.  I don't know how life goes on without her.  I don't want to know this reality.  I never wanted to know this.  She was my best friend.  I loved her more than anything in the whole world and she's gone.  Just like that...it was so fast.  I guess that all means I'm managing.  That's as good as it gets for me.  I'm managing.  I'm not happy about it.  I'll never be happy about it.  I wonder if I can ever be happy again, or will I just keep managing my empty life. 

Dear Phelan

I don't care about that guy.  I don't know him.  I'm sad he's sick, but really...don't care.  Grieving.  Our mother died.  I don't care to hear about other people who are dying.  I'm busy crying about my mom.  And by the way...dad didn't go to school with you so he doesn't know who Gerry hung out with.

Dear mama

Give me patience to deal with your son Phelan.  he's driving us all insane.  You know how he gets.  Everytime we say something that doesn't quite please him he storms off saying "I might as well go home".  It's taking every ounce of will in me not to say "FUCKING LEAVE THEN".  I know that's you working in me.

 

I can't believe your gone, mom.  I just can't believe it.  I don't want to.  How the hell do I live without you?  I don't have anyone to talk to outloud anymore.  I didn't realize how much I talked to you or just how much I depended on you until you were gone. 

 

Your last days are haunting my brain and I wish it'd stop.  You were lying in the hospital bed twitching and rolling your eyes.  I said "Open your eyes if you want me to stay" and you opened them really wide.  But you did that anyway.  But I can't help but sit here and wonder if we did the right thing.  Were you aware of what was going on?  You had to be so scared.  It's more comforting to think you were already gone, but that one small reaction haunts me.  I need it to go away.  I need you to find a way to tell me that wasn't you asking me to stay...that it was your body doing fucked up things on its own.  I need those images to go away....I can't deal with them. 

 

 

Why did you die, Mom

I can't fucking do this.  I'm sick of being polite to people.  I'm sick of people thinking they want to talk to me about you and that I really want to hear what they fucking have to say.  I don't want to go to your viewing tomorrow.  The only thing that'll push me there is dad.  And I swear to god and sonny jesus...I have no patience for the D cousins.  They have no fucking excuse to not have stopped by the house by now.  None.  I won't accept excuses.  I won't be polite.  I don't want their fucking consolation.  I want them to come in, say goodbye and leave five minutes later.  That's all the fucking time I have for them. 

 

Some moments are better than others.  We're able to remember you and smile.  Not sure how that's going to work out today.  I didn't approve your obit, but I just can't do it.  I just can't.  I know dad wanted me to write it, but it's so hard.  Writing it makes it so real.  I don't want reality yet.  I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare. 

 

 

Dear Mama

You died Thursday afternoon.  I don't know how I can even still be breathing let alone getting through every day.  I don't know how to get through this; how to live a life without you.  What do I do?  I don't know mom.  Please help me figure this out.  I can't do this.  I can't go to your funeral.  I never thought I'd ever lose you this early in life mom.  This isn't fucking fair.  I feel so empty and lost and confused.  How does dad live without you?  How is he going to do this?  How do any of us do this mom?  I can't even dream.  I'd hoped you'd pop in and tell me what to do or give me advice.  But you're playing games hiding our shit instead.  While that's humorous, it's annoying and I'd rather have you here.

I'm glad you have no more pain and that you're not suffering.  I'm glad you're not in a fucking hospital bed anymore.  And here's the part I feel very selfish and guilty for; I'm glad I don't have to go to fucking Munson anymore.  I'm glad I don't have to go to that horrible nursing home anymore.  What the fuck!  I shouldn't feel good about that.  I never minded visiting you ever, but you know my thoughts at this point.  I loved you, but it was a burden on all of us.  We NEVER minded, but that didn't make it easy. 

I'm so thankful I spent a solid month with you even if it was in a hospital room.  You were so sick, but you fought so hard to get better and to come home.  I can't imagine the pain you were in, Mom.  So many surgeries and infections.  You never once complained.  Not once.  I'm so proud of you for that.  You taught me so much in that month about integrity and graciousness.  I wish I would have held your hand more.  I wish I would have hugged you more.  I wish I would have said I loved you more.

I held your hand as you died.  And then I had a big ass hissy fit.  I am thanful we could all be there with you when you died.  You looked so peaceful.  I hope that you were in the room with us and not in that worn down body of yours.  I hope you were holding dads hand. 

I'm sure you were as shocked as we were at Kathy's presence.  I have no doubts you rolled your eyes when OG told you Judy was praying for you, though I also know you were thankful for the prayers.  And did you see all that food she brought?

I have a selfish immediate favor to ask.  Buddy didn't like you but can you make him shut the hell up?  I hate his fucking whining but dad needs rest more than we do.  All I want to do right now is scream at the top of my lungs or cry so hard I puke.  I want to lose control just for a few minutes.  I don't know how else to get these fucking feelings out.  Writing you a letter certainly isn't helping much. 

Wow...thanks...the dog shut up!

I feel better having written this.  I imagine there will be many more letters to come.  Please help me through this mom.  I don't know how to live without you.  I never wanted to know how to do this.  I never wanted to know pain like this.

I'm learning

Maybe I am smart, afterall.  All this time I thought that everyone else is stupid...and a big part of me still believes that.  But today, questions people are sending me that I find ridiculously easy they are having difficulty with.

 

Shrug sent an email that his webpage wasn't working.  Just from what he explained on the email I knew exactly what was wrong.  Amira couldn't figure it out and gave it back to me.  It's not rocket science and she's been doing the intranet long enough that she should be able to pick that stuff up as easily as I can.  She's been doing this for over a year now.  Give me a break!

 

Smokey can't even make a simple chart in excel.  Again...not rocket science.  As a matter of fact, it's barely basic science!!  It's a simple chart...excel does the work for you, but she didn't even know how to set up that data.  Who doesn't know how to do that?  My 12 year old nephew can do that.  hell, he can do most everything I can!

 

So today I'm thinking maybe I do have advanced skills.  Maybe I take for granted that things I think are easy and assume that everyone knows how to do  them  are actually things that take some amount of skill/

 

Mostly....I think everyone else really is stupid and lazy.

I am so frustrated

I'm gonig to see how quickly I can get an additional loan so that I can hire someone to move my shit.  Turlach is killing me.  I'm so done with dealing with his bs and his "poor me" attitude.  DONE DONE DONE!  He pisses me the fuck off.  I'm just so looking forward to living the fuck alone.

I have filed my taxes

Exciting shit.  Same money as last year, only this year I have many more bills to pay.  At least I can get ahead on my car and start paying that a couple weeks early so it doesn't interfere with rent.

 

Did I mention I'm moving?  I got the apartment I wanted.  It's so cute!  I move a week from today.  I can hardly wait!  No more Turlach to answer to.  I can do whatever I want.  I can lay in bed all night and watch tv if I want.  YAY!  Anytime I think of moving I get all hyper and happy :)

 

I may or may not have mentioned I have a sick crush on Robert Pattinson.  It's sick.  Really.  He's barely over 21!  But still...crush I shall since there's nothing better to do. 

 

And now I will either watch netflix, read more about Pattinson in hopes I'll learn to hate him or read Tommyknockers!!

I am inspired

Barack Obama inspires me.  He makes me want to be more involved in the political process.  He makes me so incredibly proud to be an American.  I don't think any other person has ever or will ever make me feel so proud to be who I am!!  His speech was great.  Too bad people in the office wouldn't "shut it" like I not so kindly asked them to do.  I never said I was polite...I am American, afterall :)

 

 

i am a fuck up

I have to have a co-signer for an apartment.  What, am I 18?  WTF!  I've held jobs consistantly for over 15 years.  I've never been late on rent.  i've never been kicked out.  I've never been a nuiscance.  EVERYONE in the fucking state has bad credit - do they want to make money or not?  Ii'm not a risk.  My credit is fucked for a number of reasons.  it's just not fair. 

Hi

Hi mom....today is Saturday January 17th.  Shawn asked me to leave the hospital today instead of tomorrow because of the roads and because we have so much to do.  I'm sorry I made you make that decision.  I didn't want to leave at all but I also didn't want to ask Shawn to make the extra trip up to TC just to get me.  I thought if you really wanted me to stay you'd have asked, and I know you would have.  It's just so hard for me to leave you alone there.  I hate the thought of you being all by yourself and I've felt awful about it all night.  I know a lot of it is that I just really need to sleep, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

 

So I decided to write you an email and I hope I follow through and keep writing emails so you have a bunch of fun stuff to read when you finally get home. 

 

I miss you so much.  It was so scary for all of us when you were so sick.  We didn't know if you were going to make it through those first few nights and munson.  It was torture, but I thank God that you did make it through.  I guess I need to learn to be patient for you to be able to come home and for me to be able to see you whenever the hell I want to. 

 

But I'm scared to death that if I leave something will happen and I'll never see you again.  Everyone tried to get me to leave Munson in December, but I just couldn't.  I'm glad Kenyatta let me stay up there.  I wish things were better at the company right now for me to be able to stay up there again, but that's not a possibility.

 

Anyway....I just needed to share that with you.  I miss you more than you can imagine. 

I am back at the hospital

Mom's having another surgery today.  Not exciting news.  Not fun, either.  I"m stressed out.  I hurt my back.  and EVERYONE is pissing me off.  I feel bad about it, but mom is too.  I'm a horrible person.  I'm tired.  I'm in pain.  I'm grumpy.  I'm stressed out about moving.  OH....

 

Turlach got a new job up north, so he's moving in with the folks in two weeks.  So I'm pretty much fucked.  Don't get me wrong, i'm really glad he got the job and proud of him.  I'm excited for him to move out and I'm even more excited for me to have my own place.  HOWEVER...I don't know if I can get into a place in two weeks.  I'm really freaking out about that.  I halfway have my heart set on one place.  I bet I end up in a fucked up house that I don't want to be in.

 

man....i'm just pissed at the fucking world today.  Time to go read more Bella and Edward. 

So....

I am cold.  It's freezing out.  But i'm not that cold I suppose.  I just want something to whine about.

 

I'm supposed to be writing content for the website, but I can't get my head into it.  I ahve some written, but not nearly enough.

Tell me to take a breath

Because people are pissing me off.  One person in particular.  TANNER.  GO FUCK YOURSELF.  You know how to do these changes and it is YOUR responsibility to do so...quit pushing your fucking work off on me. 

 

I'm just frustrated this afternoon.  I'll get over it pretty darn quick.  I have to. 

 

I was going to walk after work, but I don't really feel like it.  I don't remember why.

 

And I hate when the news idiots tell us there's this big damn storm coming and it never shows up.  I love storms so now I'm really disappointed. 

I am irritated, as usual

Many things are driving me insane today:

 

Amira.  She's just pissing me off, I guess.  She's not even trying to do something before asking me how.  TRY IT FIRST!  it's not like this is the first time I've asked her to do something like this.  It's a bi-weekly thing.  She's not stupid.  I don't know wtf her deal is, but it's pissing me off.  And as usual she's in a bad mood and doesn't feel good.  Save it.  I'm not in a good mood either and my ear feels like it's going to fall off, but I do my work.  I don't whine (outloud).  I get my fucking work done.  Take a cue from me!!

 

Tanner.  She knows how to do what needs to be done.   I know that doesn't make sense.  But she fucking grates on my goddamn nerves.  She needs pages added to the internal website.  She's 100% capable of doing that on her goddamn own.  What the fuck is the deal that she can't do it now?  Fuck you, Tanner.  Do it your fucking self. 

 

life.  you suck right now life.  Get your shit together.

 

Turlach.  He needs to decide what the fuck he's going to do so I can fucking plan accordingly. 

 

WTF...are my hormones not working anymore?  Happy pills not doing it?  I hate feeling so damn pissy all the time.  I irritate myself.  Brennan, you're a fucking bitch today.  Get the fuck over your mood and get to fucking work!  And while you're at it, find something to do at work other than email friends....get the fuck busy.

Monday, bloody Monday

Yes, I know the song is Sunday Bloody Sunday, but it's not Sunday.  It's bloody monday!  I hates Monday's precious.  Well...actually I don't hate them.  I'm just not getting into my job like I should.  I'm going to try harder, though.  I have to. 

 

more later