I am here

Been feeling good this week.  YAY.  I think I could really dig living alone.  I know I could because I don't look forward to Turlach coming home from deer camp.

 

Anyway...

 

Why can't people follow directions?  I've found that several times at work this week that people just don't listen.  I don't know why anyone tries to take control of my projects.  In the end, I'm going to do what's best for the project and not what others like.  I don't want a calendar filled with employee pictures.  They mostly suck and it won't be interesting to people outside of work.  This calendar I'm making isn't just for CE.  it's not just internal.  We went through 2000 last year and we only have maybe 600 employees.  Customers take them.  Sponsors ofcourse get them and why would they want to sponsor a calendar of stupid employee pictures?  They wouldn't.  End of story.  So...I'm very much in the mind set of doing what I want when I want to do it. 

 

 

I Am Going Insane

Slowly but surely I'm going insane.  I'll get there pretty quick if this day doesn't end though.  headache from hell to begin with.  Computer problems galore.  Zeus fuck ups galore (not my doing, but being considered my fault).  I need a massage!

 

 

Dear you

Really.  Fuck you.  I get it.  I'm nothing here.  You make decisions for me too easy lately and that makes me sad.

Dear Amira

You fucked up.  Again.  I don't think you should be up here.  All you do is fuck things up lately.  Use some fucking common sense.  I'd rather work 16 hours a day knowing everything is being done right than have to go around and clean up your fucking messes.

Dill Emmas

So things are screwy in these parts lately!  I'm back to work which would normally be a good thing, but now it's just a confusing fucked up thing.  I asked for a specific type of raise at work.  My work has this weird "rating" system, for lack of a better term.  The level of work I'm rated and paid for is administrative assistant.  That's level 4, the lowest you can be in salary.  The level of work I really do is 7/8.  I asked to be moved to the appropriate level for the work required of me.  Nope.  They said in five years I could do it since my "skills aren't quite there."  Well if they aren't there, then show me another person in the company who can do the type or work I do and I'll gladly learn from them.  But there isn't anyone else who can do what I do.  If there is, they aren't admitting it. 

So here's the dilema.  While I"m very frustrated with my salary, I do love my job.  I love 95% of what I do.  I have fun with co-workers.  I just really enjoy my job.  But I can't afford to work there anymore.  I feel underappreciated.  I'm WAY underpaid.  It hurts my feelings.  So I know I need to look for a new job, and I am doing that.  But deep down inside, I don't want to leave my job.  There are potentially very exciting things to come for the company, no matter how bad it's doing right now.  I want to be a part of that.  I've never liked a job before and I know damn well I won't like a job the way I like this one.  Nothing will ever measure up.  Ever.  And living in the state of Michigan, there just are no jobs around, so I'll end up having to move to probably Chicago or something.  While moving to a REAL city sounds fun, I don't want to move farther way from the family than I already am.  Mom's been very sick.  Dad's not doing much better than she is...I just can't be farther than a half day drive away.

This being an adult stuff is absolute bullshit.  I know I will have to leave but I do NOT want to.  I've procrastinate the entire weekend away.  I should have worked on my resume and gotten my portfolio together, but I didn't even try.  This sucks.

Dear Hundo

I am not here for your bidding.  I don't sit here and wait for you to ask me to do something.  Occasionally I have my own things to do.  Go fuck off and print things yourself.

Letters

Dear Gether -

 

I think you might need ridilin!  FOCUS.  It's a really great thing to do!  I don't have the time to answer your questions and answering them only makes me realize what the fuck am I doing still working here?

 

Dear Zeus -

 

I really do like working for you, but you piss me off sometimes.  It's nice to know that i'll never move ahead and that I'll only ever be seen as an assistant.  That hurts my feelings and pisses me off to no end.  YOU piss me off to no end sometimes.

 

Dear Zeus' friend -

 

I want to meet you!!  I hope you're not married because you are such a huge flirt.  I love talking to you on the phone.  You need a name.  I'll figure that out later.

 

Dear everyone else.

 

Fuck off

 

 

Dear invisble friends -

 

I bet you really missed my letter!

 

 

Smooches!

 

Brennan!

Dear Gether

I have a Masters degree in multimedia.  MASTERS. DEGREE.  I have 15 years experience with webdesign and I still don't know everything.  NO!  IT'S NOT FUCKING EASY TO CREATE WEBPAGES WITH FLASH CONTENT!  You didn't even know what I was looking at when I brought up the source code of the page, what the fuck makes you think you can figure it out by the end of the day you know it all piece of shit?  Think my job is so easy...fucking take it because I'm not sure I want it anymore.

Today's the day

Today decides whether I stay in GR or move to Chicago.  I'm not really nervous, but anxious.  I wish they thought more of me here.  It fucking sucks ass that I have to fight for every little thing in my life and I'm damn sick and tired of that, but whatever.  I'll know by noon what's going on. 

 

I've been having pain the last couple days.  I don't like that.  I might need to call the dr. 

 

 

I am moving

I am super bitch today.  I'm absolutely IRATE.  I woke up pissed and plan to stay pissed until I find a new job.  It is my current understanding that I am only getting a 5% raise.  I'm so far beyond pissed there is no word to explain it.  And they have a 5 year plan to officially put me into the position that I AM ALREADY DOING!  So basically they don't plan to pay me for the work i'm doing for five effing years.  I'm so so so fucking pissed.  And hurt too because apparently they don't think I'm worthy.
 
So...I have a 5 month plan to move to Chicago.  I'm going to start applying for jobs and getting my portfolio together immediatly.  If you could help me by pointing me in directions of cheaper but safe places to live in Chicago, that'd be awesome.  I know nothing about the city, so I don't even know where to start looking for a place to live.
 
I am even thinking of saying I'm sick today so I don't have to see these fuckers and pretend that everything is fucking hunky dory.  It's not.  i'm not happy.  I really hope Hyr was just pulling my leg, but he most definitely led me to believe that I am not getting a significant raise at all.  He said the raise I'm getting won't help my financial situation.  I hope he was kidding.  I hope that this meeting tomorrow I find out that I'm getting the level raise I deserve and the pay rate I need and deserve.
 
I just need to get through the day, though.

Yuck

I'm stressing myself out here. 

 

1.  Amira has really fucked up our internal website.  Like seriously fucked it up.  She's very task focused and not content focused.  For the web content, you need to both finish the job and deliver a high quality product.  You can't just get it done and not care about content.  Also, she's really fucked up our weekly updates, apparently.  the way she's been doing our headline news has created a hole for items to drop into before they get to the plant employees who don't have time to see the news electronically.  Not cool and a huge fucking headache for me.

 

2.  I'm completely stressed about my medical bills.  I need to just do something about it.  I hate feeling so very stressed out and worried.  Being out of happy pills doesn't help my situation at all.  I feel very unsettled and confused about all of my medical bills.  I fucking hate bills.  I'd rather ignore them.

 

3.  While I've gotten a lot done today, it's not enough.  I have so much to do and this afternoon can't get around to focusing on it.  That's a problem.

 

 

Not a super day today

Weekend was boring.  Hung out with my friend Mistle.  That's as exciting as it gets.

 

Today i'm completely stressed and freaked out.  I have TONS of stuff to do at work.  That only took a week. 

 

Mom and dad are filing a lawsuit and the lawyer they were going to meet with is all the sudden no where to be found.  That's shady, so I'm going to talk to Zeus about it to see if he has recommendations.

 

Today I am out of happy pills and out of hormones, so that's not helping me even a little bit.  I need to straighten out my flex card stuff so I can use that for perscriptions again.  it's such a pain in the ass though.  I can't deal with it today, but I don't have much of a choice, I guess. 

 

i'm grumpy as fuck.  I hate that.

 

i'm going to have lunch with Hyr.  I hope he's paying and I hope he hasn't invited anyone else because i'm not in the mood for a big group.  I can handle him today and that's about it.

 

 

Day Three back at the office

And I'm EXHAUSTED.  Each day I seem to get more tired earlier in the day.  I'll be wasted by Friday.  But also, I'm not really sleeping much at night so that's not helping things.  oh crap.  I forgot to buy stamps from Cat.  I should go do that.

 

Anyway...my welcome back was nice.  Everyone seems to have missed me.  Zeus is so cute about it.  "i'm so glad you're back Brennan" after he asks me to solve this difficult graphing thing that the boss boss wanted.  It's not quite rocket science, but it's difficult and tedious.  And they want me to figure out a way to do it without having to be online.  Oh joy.

 

But I am glad to have a regular schedule.

 

Mom and dad are not doing well.  It's very scary right now.  Mom went blind in her left eye a few weeks ago and is beginning to have symptoms of losing the sight in her right eye.  We're all scared.  She had a stroke in her left eye caused by Giant Cell Arteritis, which was caused by PMR.  It's drama and disaster.  Dad's parkinsons is getting worse.  It just sucks ass to see them failing like they are.  It breaks my heart.

 

in good news...GO OBAMA!!!  I really feel like these are amazing times in US History.  Obama makes me want to help change the world.  He is very inspiring, and I know not only to me.  He's an extraordinary leader who I am very proud to call my president.  He makes me proud to be an American.  George Junior made me want to move to the antarctic just to hide from the shame of all he's made of this country while in office. 

I Am Ambivolant

Not really, but I like that word today. 

 

Mom's been really sick.  She went to a new specialist this week and he immediatly sent her to the hospital for three rounds of high dosage steroids.  Starting today she's on 60mgs of steroids a day for 4 weeks, after which she'll get more blood tests and then more steroids or start to taper steroids. 

 

I've been working with my cousin Florentina on some cards for her business.  I assumed it'd be no big deal - maybe 30 minutes of work.  It's been a week long ordeal, and the cards look like shit with what they want done.  They are not designers, so if they think they can do it without a designer, go ahead and do it.  I don't have time to fuck around and I'm not getting paid for this.  It's not even something I'd care to add to my portfolio - it'd NEVER get me a job!  It's horrible.  And Florentina knows I have a lot going on with mom and dad and myself recovering, but she doesn't give a shit or doesn't realize the time it takes to do this shit.  It's just irritating. 

I haven't gotten anything done I wanted to, as far as my portfolio.  The company I work for is failing miserably, so I can't count on keeping a job there.  My mind is definitely back at work.  I know I'm walking right into chaos and mayhem and I'm not looking forward to it.  Oh well.  Life goes on, right?

Hahaha

I love my dad.  Really I do.  There isn't anyone else in the world I'd want to have raised me.  However...he cracks me up.  He's on the phone with some online service and he's making up all of these laws he says they've broken "Fraud by Wire", "Misleading Senior Citizens" both of which are federal offenses, by the way.  I love him!

 

Mom is not doing well at all.  She had a stroke last week.  She's lost the vision in her left eye.  She's scared to death.  And she's been acting a little odd lately.  She seems confused sometimes.  I'm worried sick about her.  I'd like for her Dr to get an MRI or something to see if anything has affected her brain.  her last specialist (she has some weird auto immune disorder) disregarded her symptoms and stopped treating her with out referring her to someone else or saying he's not qualified to treat her...nothing.  And now her disease is out of control causing devestating changes in her body.  It's ridiculous.  I'm going to write to that dr and threaten a lawsuit.  it's ridiculous.  He completely mistreated her. 

 

In other news, I'm recovering just fine now.  It's been 6 weeks today since the hysterectomy.  I feel lots better.  Pain is very minimal and present only when i've been sitting up straight (like in a work chair) for a significant amount of time or when I'm tired, which feels like ALL the time.  That's the only thing I haven't seemed to get over is the exhaustion.  It sucks. 

 

Ok.  Time to sit somewhere else!  have you missed me, my invisible friends?

Photography kick continued...

I'm doing everything I can to learn more and more about photography.  Fonti, a friend from work, referred her sister Somero to me for wedding photography.  I'm not a professional.  I have no equipment.  I know I can do a good job and I believe in my skills, but I would rather be someone's apprentice so I can get some more exposure to wedding photography.  I don't know how to go about doing that.  I'm looking at on line information about lighting and just general tips for taking pictures of couples and such. 

 

I just need to find a way to build my confidence as well as my portfolio.  I don't quite know how to do that.  I'll do my best.  Maybe I can get H's family to do a session with me.  That would be good practice for me and free pictures for them.  I'll ask her about that.  Maybe RG would be willing, too.  I need experience.

Where do I live?

I thought I was in the USA, but I think in November I'll be living in the 1970 communist USSR.  If McCain Palin get voted in, I'm seriously looking for work in Canada. 

Photography

Ok. So I was in love with digital grin for a while. Then I tried to post a picture. Then I tried again. They moderate postings and apparently there's something inherently wrong with the pictures I want to post. I'm beyond pissed. Why try to be a member of something that won't let you participate?

In other news, I totally dig this new pictures I took at the cemetery! Cool isn't it? I like cemeteries. I'm creepy like that, I guess.

Turlach

He's being such a good guy tonight.  He's always a good guy, but tonight he's doing my laundry, cooking dinner, getting me water. 

 

My cousins Eaj called Turlach tonight.  Eaj is such a good guy.  He's changed so much.  He told Turlach he'd like to come visit while I'm recovering at the 'rents.  How sweet is he?!

Photography

I really want to be a real photographer.  But for not, I just want to be a better photographer.  I"m addicted to Digital Grin right now.  Those photographers make me feel very inferior, but I know I have a good eye for photography and have taken a good share of great shots.  I just want to talk to real photographers.  I have so many questions.  How many shots does it take to get that perfect shot for you?  How do you prepare?  And don't even get me started on wedding photography.  Good lord, I have questions.  I could ask Len, but we don't talk anymore and I hear she's just a completely different person now.  So I think I'm going to do my best to network my way to photographers!

 

Want to know a sick secret, my invisible friends?  Turlach pees with the door open.  No wonder he's single.  And no wonder why I'm looking for my own damn place!