I Am Ambivolant

Not really, but I like that word today. 

 

Mom's been really sick.  She went to a new specialist this week and he immediatly sent her to the hospital for three rounds of high dosage steroids.  Starting today she's on 60mgs of steroids a day for 4 weeks, after which she'll get more blood tests and then more steroids or start to taper steroids. 

 

I've been working with my cousin Florentina on some cards for her business.  I assumed it'd be no big deal - maybe 30 minutes of work.  It's been a week long ordeal, and the cards look like shit with what they want done.  They are not designers, so if they think they can do it without a designer, go ahead and do it.  I don't have time to fuck around and I'm not getting paid for this.  It's not even something I'd care to add to my portfolio - it'd NEVER get me a job!  It's horrible.  And Florentina knows I have a lot going on with mom and dad and myself recovering, but she doesn't give a shit or doesn't realize the time it takes to do this shit.  It's just irritating. 

I haven't gotten anything done I wanted to, as far as my portfolio.  The company I work for is failing miserably, so I can't count on keeping a job there.  My mind is definitely back at work.  I know I'm walking right into chaos and mayhem and I'm not looking forward to it.  Oh well.  Life goes on, right?

Hahaha

I love my dad.  Really I do.  There isn't anyone else in the world I'd want to have raised me.  However...he cracks me up.  He's on the phone with some online service and he's making up all of these laws he says they've broken "Fraud by Wire", "Misleading Senior Citizens" both of which are federal offenses, by the way.  I love him!

 

Mom is not doing well at all.  She had a stroke last week.  She's lost the vision in her left eye.  She's scared to death.  And she's been acting a little odd lately.  She seems confused sometimes.  I'm worried sick about her.  I'd like for her Dr to get an MRI or something to see if anything has affected her brain.  her last specialist (she has some weird auto immune disorder) disregarded her symptoms and stopped treating her with out referring her to someone else or saying he's not qualified to treat her...nothing.  And now her disease is out of control causing devestating changes in her body.  It's ridiculous.  I'm going to write to that dr and threaten a lawsuit.  it's ridiculous.  He completely mistreated her. 

 

In other news, I'm recovering just fine now.  It's been 6 weeks today since the hysterectomy.  I feel lots better.  Pain is very minimal and present only when i've been sitting up straight (like in a work chair) for a significant amount of time or when I'm tired, which feels like ALL the time.  That's the only thing I haven't seemed to get over is the exhaustion.  It sucks. 

 

Ok.  Time to sit somewhere else!  have you missed me, my invisible friends?

Photography kick continued...

I'm doing everything I can to learn more and more about photography.  Fonti, a friend from work, referred her sister Somero to me for wedding photography.  I'm not a professional.  I have no equipment.  I know I can do a good job and I believe in my skills, but I would rather be someone's apprentice so I can get some more exposure to wedding photography.  I don't know how to go about doing that.  I'm looking at on line information about lighting and just general tips for taking pictures of couples and such. 

 

I just need to find a way to build my confidence as well as my portfolio.  I don't quite know how to do that.  I'll do my best.  Maybe I can get H's family to do a session with me.  That would be good practice for me and free pictures for them.  I'll ask her about that.  Maybe RG would be willing, too.  I need experience.

Where do I live?

I thought I was in the USA, but I think in November I'll be living in the 1970 communist USSR.  If McCain Palin get voted in, I'm seriously looking for work in Canada. 

Photography

Ok. So I was in love with digital grin for a while. Then I tried to post a picture. Then I tried again. They moderate postings and apparently there's something inherently wrong with the pictures I want to post. I'm beyond pissed. Why try to be a member of something that won't let you participate?

In other news, I totally dig this new pictures I took at the cemetery! Cool isn't it? I like cemeteries. I'm creepy like that, I guess.

Turlach

He's being such a good guy tonight.  He's always a good guy, but tonight he's doing my laundry, cooking dinner, getting me water. 

 

My cousins Eaj called Turlach tonight.  Eaj is such a good guy.  He's changed so much.  He told Turlach he'd like to come visit while I'm recovering at the 'rents.  How sweet is he?!

Photography

I really want to be a real photographer.  But for not, I just want to be a better photographer.  I"m addicted to Digital Grin right now.  Those photographers make me feel very inferior, but I know I have a good eye for photography and have taken a good share of great shots.  I just want to talk to real photographers.  I have so many questions.  How many shots does it take to get that perfect shot for you?  How do you prepare?  And don't even get me started on wedding photography.  Good lord, I have questions.  I could ask Len, but we don't talk anymore and I hear she's just a completely different person now.  So I think I'm going to do my best to network my way to photographers!

 

Want to know a sick secret, my invisible friends?  Turlach pees with the door open.  No wonder he's single.  And no wonder why I'm looking for my own damn place!

Wedding Photography

I'm going through and editing the better pictures from the wedding in August.  I have a huge list of things to do and not to do for the next wedding I shoot.  August was unorganized.  They didn't know what they wanted.  THey didn't have a schedule.  They didn't tell me what things were going to happen that they wanted photographed specifically.  Looking at the pictures I wish I had more information before the wedding.  Next time will be better.  I need to research how other photographers do it.  Do they have a list of shots they want?  What are their contracts like?  What are their expectations?  I know what I want next time. 

 

That reminds me.  I need to get in touch with potential client #2.  She may have moved on by now and that's ok, but still...I need to follow up with her.

Bad day

Well not really a bad day, but I'm just in a bad mood.  Don't really feel good.  cold.  Tired.  Already not looking forward to going back to work.  With the way the economy is going, I don't know if I'll be able to get a loan for school, and that sucks.  I want my MBA!  I'll find a way to get it, I guess.

 

Turlach is home from work.  No work to speak of this week plus the evil boss is going to be out helping his wife cook for the polish festival this weekend. 

 

I emailed my boss today that I'll be back a week earlier than expected.  He seemed really happy, so that's good.  I'd like to try to see them this weekend, but I don't know if I have the energy, pain or emotional tolerance for rides, in and out of the car and seeing a newborn baby without bursting into tears of self pity.

 

I might go for a ride tdoay.  I'm bored.  I can't stand sitting here.  I can't sit at the upstairs computer because Turlach is using the computer chair and I can't sit in that other one.  Today just fucking sucks I guess.  I'm pissy at everything. 

 

This hormone patch thing isn't working.

 

 

Still have pain

I am sick of taking pills.  I woke up STARVING.  I need to wait for the pb&j to thaw before I can eat it.  Making me cranky.

 

Turlach seems to be a little pissy this morning.  Oh well.  I don't care.  I made a grocery list.  I hope to go to the store today.  I'll fake being ok just to get the hell out of the house.  We'll see how it goes, though.

 

Um....Fin emailed me this morning!  He so rarely ever emails.  I'm so glad :)  I love that boy.

 

Presidential debates were last night.  I watched them re-run on CNN.  I found it very interesting.  Obama address McCain directly and often called him John and always made eye contact.  McCain referred to Obama as Senator Obama and never made eye contact.  I wonder if analysts caught that (and I'm sure they did) and what they thought about it.  I should look it up online.

 

I tried to download pictures from my camera but the battery died.  That sucks.  I'll have to charge that up today.  There was one picture in particular I wanted to see, so I'll have to wait for that I guess.

I am still frustrated

Pain is RIDICULOUS today.  I can barely tolerate it.  I think I'll go upstairs and lay down.  That's the only time I feel ok.

 

Saw a fucking mouse in the house today.  I don't like living like I do.  I'm messy.  having mice in the house makes me feel dirty.  What if it's in my room?  I don't ahve food up there so I'm not overly concerned, but still....I don't like the thought of a mouse hanging around here.  Unless it's named mickey and can pay rent, it's not welcome.

 

I"m glad I never watched Blue Collar TV.  I just watched an episode and it's really dumb.

 

Um.  I'm not very chatty, I guess.  I wanted to go on about politics and such but don't have the energy for that kind of frustration.  Tonight is the presidential debate.  Should be interesting.  I'd like to watch it, but I'm sure Shawn doesn't care to see it.  I really do want to see it.  I'm watching John Stewart...I love him! 

 

I want milk.  I think I'll make a grocery list thing.  It'll be distracting.  sorta.  As long as Shawn wants to actually shop.  maybe we can go to walmart and I can embarrass myself and use an amigo.  I can't walk but I just can't sit in the house anymore.

I'm grumpy today

Turlach ... well ... I think a lot of it is me and I shouldn't complain about the fact that he thinks we don't need to go to the store (even though we have no food) and I won't complain about how he says one thing and does the opposite.  I'll complain about how my hormones are completely imbalanced and how the doc needs to fix that and how my pain is fucking irritating me and how fustrated I am with sitting here doing nothing.  That's what I'll bitch about.

 

I'm taking a close look at the wedding pictures from well over a month ago so I can edit them.  Again....it's something that Turlach is fucking irritating me about.  FUck you turlach.  You are not my boss.  You are not my agent.  I told them it'd be a while before I could start editing but your fucking little bitchy ass keeps asking why I'm not working on them.  Oh I don't know...I just had my fucking internal organs ripped the fuck out of me and I'm feeling a little less than energetic. 

 

Man I'm fucking pissed today.  This sucks.

Whatever

I'm sick of Turlach complaing about how fucking uncomfortable he is.  Whatthefuckever.  I have a fucking hole in my stomach and internal organs were ripped out.  Fuck you and your discomfort you big baby.

Apparently

Things at work are not good at all.  Something is going on that they're not telling me.  Whatever.  Just gives me more motivation to get the portfolio out there.

 

I think Turlach just came home.  God I hope not.  IF he did, I'll claim exhaustion and go to bed.  I just want to be left alone.  I don't want visitors.  I don't want to listen to him talk about how his abdomen is uncomfortable.  Whatever Turl.  Preaching to the choir.

 

Zeus and Hera finally named the baby. Very pretty name :)  I'm glad they had a girl! 

 

I'm cranky.  I want to do stuff.  I want to do laundry.  I want to go to the damn store.  I want to cook something more than fucking grilled cheese.  I want to take pictures.  I want to go for a ride.  I think I need to talk to the doc about hormones.  Days 3 and 4 i'm moody as fuck.  This isn't working. 

 

I don't think that was Turlach.  The puppy didn't come running!

Wednesday

Yesterday Turlach was quite sick.  He's still not feeling well today.  I wanted him to go to the ER, but he refused.  I understand because he has no insurance.  He needs to find some kind of cheap plan because he can't ignore things like this.  I think he has dad's IBS.  I was feeling great and happy to help him yesterday.  I even drove to the store and that turned out to be a great lesson - I don't need to be driving anywhere.  It hurts!  My incision feels very irritated today.  Oh well.  It'll get better.

 

I"m trying to decide on a movie to watch. 

 

And....I have no business trying to have a portfolio.  My work sucks.  I sit here and surf the net looking at other portfolios, and my work doesn't compare in the least.  I'm not sure how to make my work look as professional as other people's work looks.  My pictures kinda suck.  I'm not as good as I like to think I am.  Some pictures are great, but they are very few and very far between.  And my design work...I don't know.  I consider myself more of a hack than a designer.  I put things together.  I don't create things.  I don't know.  My self esteem isn't booming right now, I guess.

 

I think my hormones are not great.  I think I should change my patch every three days instead of every 4.  I'll talk to the doc about it.  It's not been long enough to be all upppity about not feeling well.  I need to give it more time. 

 

Why am I watching a fucking sad movie????????????  I cry enough as it is.  But it does have Kevin Smith....he's a hoot.

 

Ok.  I am going to further critique my work and feel a little worse about myself!

So

I just can't get over this.  Nafu, the "best friend" who hasn't been in touch with me, still hasn't been in touch.  I'm terribly disappointed in her and I'm having such a hard time getting over it.  I refuse to contact her directly now.  And it's difficult to not do that.  I don't know what her deal is, though.  She's changed alot.  She's miss "you're not important if you don't know celebrities" now.  She used to be a nice person.  I see her as very shallow now.  So given that why do I feel so hurt?  Why do I still want to be friends with her?  I don't fucking get it.  Someone must have dropped me on my head!  She's really turned into the type of person I hated when I lived in LA - she's a name-dropper.  That's the worst kind of person.  Again...that said, why do I want to still be a blip on her radar??????  I DON'T GET IT!

 

Have I mentioned I'm sick of pain?  Because I am.

 

I think I might take the laptop and hard drive upstairs tonight.  I want to work on pictures but I don't feel like staying down here.  Then again, I am quite tired.  Maybe I can do it tomorrow.  I might take the HRD upstairs tonight and work at that computer tomorrow, but it's so hard to sit there.  I'm good with sitting on the couch using the laptop, but sitting at the desk hurts. 

 

I see Claire's brain.  Just thought I'd share.  Sylar's hot.  THought I'd share that, too.  But now he can heal and that's evil.  And poor Claire....I imagine she'll be ok. 

 

Tomorrow I want to definitley go through my photos.  REALLY go through them.  Make edits of the best and start a portfolio.  I'm also going to get my shit together for the MBA application.  I looked for jobs online today and once I have an MBA, I can triple my salary in the right job.  That means I can't stay at Completely Earth forever, but who knows....maybe some day something in the Creative Direction area could open?

 

Turlach is snoring.  Must be nice to fall asleep at the drop of a hat.  I can cry at the drop of a hat.  I wish I could sleep like that!

 

Great.  Nathan is all "I love God" now.  Or maybe he's crazy?  I think he's crazy.  Maybe a lot of his brain died while he was dead. 

Today

Today was kind of boring. I'm dealing with minor hot flashes this afternoon. Today I think I like that better than being freezing ass cold. I am fairly uncomfortable today, but better than last week.

I am on smugmug now, but don't really have anything to upload just yet.

Turlach is torturing himself tonight. If he does piss himself off enough I'll go to damn bed. i'm not in the mood to listen to the whining.

Zeus and Hera had a daughter today. I hope everything went well! I can't seem to log onto work email to find out. Maybe I'll REALLY log in instead of just through webmail. Plus I'm sure Amira didn't check web or info mails either.

Ok. I'm going to look at photography!

I am FREEZING TO DEATH

I'm so cold.  All the time, I'm freezing.  So much for hotflashes!

 

I need to find new places to go online.  I'm very bored with all of the pages that I currently go to.  There's only like 5 pages that I visit anyway.  I used to go EVERYWHERE.  I just need to find new things to look up, I guess. 

 

I think my freezing cold ass is going for a walk to warm up.  But I do have a lot of pain so maybe I should take it easy.  Guess you'll just have to live in suspense while I decide what to do!

I am more comfortable today

Maybe it's because I am not doing didly squat, but I've been comfortable most of the day.  As a matter of fact I'm sitting at my upstairs computer quite comfortably, for the moment anyway.  I want to scan pictures tomorrow!!  I've considered taking the scanner downstairs, but getting the pictures down there would be quite the feat. 

 

Oh well.

 

I'm going to journal in my real journal tonight in hopes that it relieves some of my frustration.  This recovery process sucks my fat ass.  I hate needing help when I feel like I don't really need help.  I'm doing much better.  4-6 more weeks of the BS might kill me.

 

 

I need to focus while I'm sick

I just went to an old friend's myspace page. She's a strange cookie, but I love her to pieces. We used to impersonate celebrities online - it was ALOT of fun. Luckily this was like 8 or 9 years ago. I was old enough to know better, but bored enough to justify it. Anyway....I saw some of her photoshop work and it's fantastic...and she's just playing! So i'm totally jealous. Maybe she has the lite version or maybe cs3 has more simple features....or maybe I'm just not challenged enough to be more artistic. So...I decided that I need to really hone my photo shop skills and build my portfolio with fake projects. Sounds like fraud, but it's actually quite common to fill their portfolios in with work that they either create for themselves or have done for friends.

This was yesterday's experiment. It's a daisy photograph I took sometime this past summer and photoshopped on Friday. I think I might get a print of this to frame. I like it muchly.

Hyr came to visit this afternoon. I wasn't real chatty, but he was a trooper. It was a little uncomfortable. Rowen and her bf are coming over tonight to watch a movie. She's always late so I don't think she'll be here before 8:45. And that's ok, I guess. It's just that I'm tired already. I guess having visitors all the time doesn't really work for me.

I wanted to go to the store today, but walking down the street is all I can do. in and out of the car is difficult. Walking around a store will be impossible. My scar feels irritated today and it seems to be bleeding alot. Well, not a lot, but just more than when the staples were in. At least I'm more comfortable. Having the staples in really sucked.

Ok. i'm off for the moment. done talking!