Once upon a time

...there was Turlach.   And then he met Turlacha!

LEAVE ME THE F ALONE!

I just want to do my fucking job.  Give me a break.  I can't handle this getting pulled in 100 fucking directions at any given fucking point of the day.  I JUST WANT TO GET SOMTHING DONE WITHOUT YOU FUCKING BOTHERING ME.

 

 

Dear Me

Where the hell did all of your ambition go?  I know you're tired and worried about dad.  He's fine.  Not dying.  So get to f'ing work, clean up your apartment, get your life in order and stop being a lazy ass!!

Dear Arby

And no, I'm not talking to the restaurant.  i'm talking to you, Arby.  You're a jackass.  You are not a designer, so don't tell me what doesn't "flow" right.  Use it and shut the f up.

Dear cheater

While I'm glad to know I'm not alone in my lack of ambition to create completely orignial answers, you're making me look like I'm cheating off of YOU!! 

I want to learn today

I don't want to work.  I just want to learn.  Is that so much to ask?  Probably.

I am forgetful

What the hell was I going to say????

Dear Hestia

It's been a while since I've written you a letter.  I'd like to take this time to thank you for interrupting me every five minutes with fucking ridiculous questions you are very capable of answering yourself. 

 

Fuck off and let me work.

 

Hugs & Kisses!

 

Brennan!

I don't have anyone to whine to anymore

1. My family doesn't seem to want to participate in the family site anymore.  I've spent a lot of time and money on that. 
2. I need to get past my mental block about financial management.
3. I'm tired.
4. I want to learn drupal tonight, but see #3
5. I was supposed to clean tonight, but see #3
6. I was so not vegan today,  Tomorrow I'm vegetarian.  Sunday I start fasting for four or five days.  Raw foods fast.  we'll see how it goes.
7. I like numbered lists.
8. I miss my friend, but refuse to ever talk to said friend again.
9. I miss my mom.
10. I need to do homework.  See #'s 2 and 3

 

I am cleaning

I have a not really date tonight.  I don't want it to be a date.  I'm not sure how interested I am in him.  I take that back.  I know I"m not interested in him in any romantic way.  I just hope he feels the same.  There's one guy I like and I don't think I'm giving up on him.  Plus I don't think I want a relationship right now.  But it'll be dinner.  I'll bet my invisible friends any money that he doesn't pay! 

 

Anyway.  I'm cleaning to get ready for the upcoming vaca.  l was supposed to help Romy with her kitchen, but I forgot and spent yesterday being irresponsible spending money I didn't need to spend.  Yet, I'm not experiencing buyers regret yet.  My space solution is solved and I think this is just going to work well.  ANYWAY.  I feel really bad I'm kind of blowing off Romy, but I gotta take care of my stuff here.

 

Well, back to cleaning. 

Dear mama

It's been almost a year. I re-read my posts from after your death and have been crying my stupid eyes out for about a half hour. Crying feels good sometimes. When Im' tense, I look at your picture or I read those letters to force myself to cry.

I have dreamed about you a few times - dreams like you were here with me. You're in my dreams often, but only a few times did I feel it was a visit. The first one was powerful and I won't ever forget it. It was so hard to wake up and realize it was just a dream. You were missing. Dad found you and I was so relieved and thankful and happy. You were sitting in your chair wearing a pretty flower shirt you wore often. You looked so happy and healthy. You were smiling so beautiful. You told me you had so much energy and felt so good. You were telling me you were ok and how happy you were. I went to text my friends that you were back and then I woke up - completely devestated.

I think I'll always feel devestated and broken without you. It's so hard. And so many feelings and issues have come up since you died. I never considered being the only girl in the family. I never realized it would ever be an issue, but it is. The house feels so empty without you. I steal your chair when I'm home and I imagine you're hugging me. That chair has always felt like a hug, so I pretend, as I often do!

I don't like my life without you. Not at all. But I wouldn't ever want you to come back if it meant you were going to be sick. I don't think you would have ever been able to come home again. You would have been in a nursing home, depressed and sickly. I'd give anything to have a visit from you tonight.

Everytime I think about how much I miss you, I break all over again. that's the only way I can explain how it feels. I literally feel broken. I feel like my chest is torn apart and I just want to scream. I want to yell and kick. I want to punch someone. I won't do anything like that because it won't make any difference. I'll just have broken bones to whine about as I cry for you.

I'm going to find an opportunity to volunteer for a week every year after your anniversary. Ideally, I'd like to volunteer at an orphanage that Kenyatta volunteers at. I would find that so fulfilling. I can't have children. I don't see me getting married. I don't even see me being in a position to adopt, no matter how much I want to.

I miss you mom. I hate my life without you, but I keep living it for you.

Got a little netbook today

It's cute.  A little tricky to type.  But it'll serve my purposes, no doubt.  we'll see what all it can do.  Homey at work says they don't do vide very well, but that's not a massive issue. 

I'm such a gadget whore.  It's bad. 

Ugh

I could clean.  I could read.  I could get ahead on homework.  But instead I sit here bored to tears.  I have to clean at some point tonight though.

 

I'm really digging being vegan :)  I had a portabella & tomato sandwich.  YUMMY!  So delicioius.  Next time I'll add garlic to to the mushrooms.  This weekend I had lemon asparagus and chickpea and egglant stew.  It was very good.  Looks like I can cook after all.

 

ok.  i'm going to go play and see if I can't make my own family site!

I am .... I don't know what I am

Frustrated I guess.  This is what I don't miss about living with Turlach,  The moods.  Not that I blame him because I don't.  He's having a mom day.  Everything annoys him today.  The dog puked on him.  I just don't miss this stress.  It's hard having mom days and he seems to be dwelling/suffering more than the rest of us.  I'm not sure why that is and there isn't a damn thing I can do to help.  I wish there was.  I wish he could remember when/if he has a mom dream.  I wish he'd at least look at pictures of her.  But like grandpa always said, wish in one hand and shit in the other then tells me which gets full first. 

 

I hate feeling like this.  stressed and walking on egg shells.  It's not fair to anyone.  He's been like this all night.  I don't know if it was a rough day at work on top of being a bad mom day.  He needs help.  He needs happy pills or counseling - actually both!  We could all use both, actually.  But he is just in a worse place than the rest of us. 

 

and then there's Fin.  Good lord.  I dropped not so subtle hints that I know what's going on.  here's hoping that's deterrant enough for him to stop misbehaving online. 

 

My stressed ass is going to bed...maybe.

dramz

Drama drama drama.  Why do people have to be so dramatic?  For fuxsake, take it easy!

 

Today is going to be long.  In at work by 6, might not leave until 6 and by then outside will be a complete white out.  Who needs to drive safely when you can just work all day instead, right?

I am Vegan :) And I like it

So far so good.  I lost two pounds this week.  Whether or not its due to diet change I don't know, but next week I'll know for sure.  i'm going to keep with the vegan diet and keep strictish about it, too!  Losing weight is very motivating!

Still Vegan :)

It's not so difficult afterall.  Lunch might be a challenge today because I'm going out with my cousin, but I think I can manage.  I made southwestern vegan goulash.  It was yummy!  And it's what's for dinner tonight :)

 

I'm turning out to be not too bad of a cook!! 

I am still Vegan

Day two of being vegan.  I'm still doing it, though today i'm probably more flexatarian than vegan.  I'm making goulash tonight.  Not on purpose, either.  I decided I wanted to try my Boca crumbles and then I added tomatoes.  And then I decided it was close enough so I made goulash.  it's YUMMY!  It makes me think I did something wrong and that it's not really vegan/vegetarian/flexatarian because it's really good!!  Very tastey.  The tomato soup I used wasn't organic though.  It's way too sweet, but I think I toned it down a bit. 

 

Just thought I'd share :)

I am vegan....maybe

I made a halfassed decision yesterday to be vegan as a health thing.  Not because I'm against eating animals or animal products.  I'm a steak and potatoes kinda girl and for health reasons I need to be a sticks and twigs girl for a while.  Not sure how long this phase will last.  While I'm not hungry (had broccoli and hummus for lunch) i'm far from satisfied.  Dinner will most definitely be a challenge, but I'll try!!  I am going to try for two or three weeks to see how it goes.

 

A whole slew of one year anniversaries for mom are coming up.  Yesterday was 10 months.  Friday is one year for when she went in the hospital.  I had to get a mammogram this morning and had a hard time with flashbacks to mom's stay in the hospital.  But I got through it.  Plus having your chest crushed tends to take your mind off of EVERYTHING but the pain!

 

 

!

I started weight watchers again.  This is the heaviest I have ever been and I swear to go if I ever see these numbers again someone will have to put me out of my misery.  I took my measurements today and that was thoroughly depressing.  But yesterday I just got myself back into the WW mindset and I'm determined to do this.  part of me keeps saying to do this for mom, but I'm doing this for me more than for her.  I don't want to have the issues she had.  She was/is proud of me no matter what I do, so she's not motivation enough for me.  One selfish reason is Momus.  I really like him - a lot.  Think about him way too much, but he can't see past the fat suit.  We talk and joke and stuff, but he'll never see me as anything but a coworker.  and I feel ugly.  I know I'm not.  I have a pretty face, but no one sees past the fat.  I feel that's all anyone sees when they look at me. 

 

But mostly, I just want to be healthy.  I want to be a runner.  Weird enough reason, but I do.  I don't run.  My big joke has always been "i don't run unless the ice cream truck is going to fast!"  But really, I think I'd like to go for runs in the morning, but that ain't happening for a LONG time.  It's a goal though.  My first goal, though is 5%.  It's realistic.  And that's how I'm going to lose my weight.  5% at a time. 

 

So there we go.  I'll have to keep this as my WW journal.  And my bitching journal - cuz that's just fun!

c'mon man...

I just want to do my job.  That's all.  I'm not asking much.  But my outlook is stuck.  My boss is pissy and I have my review today.  Oh joy.  he already piled useless shit on my desk so I can tell he's not thrilled with me.  Whatever.  i'm not the damn clock fixer.  I'm not your personal recycle bin.  LIke I said...whatever.

Dear Tuna

I'm not dumb, ya know.  I know what I"m talking about.  If I told you I read the manual and that it gives very general information and nothing specific to what I need, I mean that I read the whole manual - not just the table of contents and introduction.  I'm well aware that introductions give very basic information.  you, on the otherhand, are a cheuvanistic pig who thinks that because part of my job is being an assistant that I"m a dumbass who doesn't know what she's talking about.  Go fuck yourself. 

Swamped

Know what's f'd up?  I don't really miss emailing him.  I guess that says a lot.  Today was the first time I went to go email him, but I was like oh wait...he's not my friend.  I do feel bad about that, but seriously - I don't tell him or anyone else what they can and can not talk to me about.  Friends dont' censor each other.  Self censor all day long if you want, but if you're my friend you will be willing to listen to me.  I feel very strongly about that. 

 

Work is busy busy busy.  I'm working on:

• 3 websites for some of our businesses
• Annual Report
• Internal magazine
• 2010 Calendar
• Intranet from hell
• Data sheets
• webinars
• web registrations

I'm sure that's more than that for that list but that's all I can think of at the moment.  I have a review in two weeks that I am FAR from prepared for.  Speaking of which maybe I'll do that instead of this!

it's difficult

...to not talk to him, but I'm sticking to my guns.  You're not a friend if you try to dictate when I can and cannot say to you.  You're not a friend if you can't be even polite enough to acknowledge my difficulties and that I need to talk about it even if you lie and tell me it's ok.  You are just not a friend.  YOu're selfish and self centered.  I "listen" to and comment on stuff you tell me regardless of what I think about it.  Thats what friends do.  You're not willing to do that, so fuck you.  And I want to tell you this, but I won't give you the time of day.  If you email again asking if I'm still mad then yes...I'll tell you what I have to say and that'll be the end of that. 

 

I'm feisty today.  I'm just ready to fight with anyone.!

I get it now...

No need to pretend anymore and no need to feel the need to share.  I know what's going on.  I know YOU know and you wont' tell me.  That's fine.  It's big.  I know that.  But that definitely changes how information will flow in the future.  Cryptic?  Yep.  Don't care. 

 

I'm in a mood.  I figured out why, though.  I've been out of hormones for a few days!!  So that explains why I'm pissy for no good reason. 

 

I need to do a load of laundry tonight for weekend clothes.  Actually, I'm not sure I'll bother.  They'll just get smokey anyway, so maybe I'll just do laundry Sunday and wear whatever happens to be clean at the time.  That sounds good!  I need to work on freelance tonight, anyway, and get that invoice in to get me another paycheck.

I am frustrated

Right.  I know that's news, invisible friends, but I am!!  Someone who was my best friend offended me and hurt me to the point that I can no longer justify being friends.  So that conversation is gone.  I'm frustrated at work because i'm going from one computer to the next because they won't fucking buy the software I need!  It's pissing me off.  Turlach fucked up the weekend and I really am very pissed about that.  Fuck it.  maybe I won't go home and papa and fin can come down here to watch harry potter and Turlach can sit at home in his fucked up world. 

 

Everything is fucked today.  I hate being pissy.  Fucking hate it.

I am extraordinarily bitchy

Could be that I haven't taken happy pills for a couple days.  I need to keep water in my room so I remember to do that. 

 

Could be that I don't want to go to work.

 

Could be that I didn't do anything this weekend so I feel like a cow. 

 

Could be that I miss my mom & best friend. 

 

Could be that Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince SUCKED.  I'm very disappointed.

good fucking lord

I have quite the potty mouth on this blog!!

 

But GOOD FUCKING LORD!  If you want me to be able to do my job, fucking buy me the right software.  I'm done using my own.

 

If you want me to be in a good mood, treat me with some fucking respect.  I'm sick of being treated like I did something wrong.  Go fuck yourself.

dear hestia

You piss me off too.  Why ask me to do something when you have no intention of letting me start or finish it?  You give the design work to the overpaid freelancer.  You "let" me do data entry on those projects and fucking blame me when something goes wrong with the design.  You don't consult me when you're doing projects and then are surprised when I tell you "no, that won't work."  I'm just so pissed.  Why not just fucking trust me with the projects?  You clearly need my input since I'm the one telling you why things won't work - why not just let me do it in the first place and we won't waste so much fucking time.

Dear Amira

Since you can't make time for projects I give you I won't be bothering to give you more.  It's not like you're actually learning anything.  You seem incapable of retaining information and that makes me sad.  Ya know, I've heard some people say that "some people just can't learn" and I dind't think that was a true statement, but it is.  And I don't mean that to be mean, butit's honest.  You're not learning.  You just don't get it.  What sucks is even though I have to clean up your messes, I still can't do all of this myself and there's no one else I can train. 

 

Dear world -

 

Stop working against me, will you?  I just want to work and live my life and be content.  Why is that so much to ask?  Why do I have to fight for everything?

it's such a catch 22

I don't want to sit around the house because I start thinking about mom and just burst into tears.  I want to go for a ride, but I know that will lead to more thinking of mom.  What's a girl to do.  oh!  i could look at what I thought was the cute neighbor.  he's not so cute!

ya know...

Hundo, Coach and Nudelo are perfectly capably of ordering their own pizza.  Why the fuck do I have to do it.  I fucking hate my job today.

and I'm jealous too

and feeling like I'm dumb and everyone else makes me feel useless.  YOu could say I let myself feel that way, but fuck that.  I'm blaming everyone else today. 

 

I need to learn CSS like NOW.  I don't have time for a learning curve.  I don't have time or patience to let Hestia or Tristan touch my project.  They've taken everything else from me, so I'm holding on to dear life for this project. 

 

Everything nice and peaceful and fun about my life is fucking gone.  All of it.  All that's left right now is depression, anger and frustration. 

I'm trying....

...to be in a better mood.  But people just irritate me.  I hate feeling like this.  Did exercise this morning, but not a lot.  Didn't help.  Should have stayed home.  I just want to be left alone. 

 

I'm Just irritated as hell.  Hestia is pissing me off.  And one of our big projects might not work out and that's very very bad news for the company.  But oh well.  Even if it does work out it's not like I get to do anything.  Hestia keeps me at arms length.  Ya know...just keep Tristan.  I don't even want to fucking talk to you anymore, Hestia. 

It's so frustrating...

...working with the limitations I am bound to at work.  I am redesinging our intranet.  I have this BEAUTIFUL design and was talking to someone else - I didn't think about how others would change their pages.  I opened it in front page - no go.  Everyday page "owners" would not be able to update their pages.  It'd look too confusing for them and they'd fuck it up in a heartbeat.  My immediate rationale - I'll make their changes.  And I'd love nothing more than to do that, but it won't happen.  I have too much to do and the intranet is a full time job.  Even the person who helps me now would fuck it up if I left it in this beautiful design I have.  Maybe I need to see how I can make this design work in a different format.  It just sucks because this one is SO EASY and perfect from a user standpoint.  Simple obvious and logical navigation is the key, and this has that very potential.  But because I am limited to Front Page, I cannot use this template.  I'm so pissed.  We can't afford dreamweaver for everyone and I don't have the time to train people on it anyway.  It just makes a difficult task even more difficult.  But I'm learning, so that's good.  It's just a very frustrating process. 

 

EVERYTHING is frustrating lately.  And that's....FRUSTRATING!!  I feel the need to stay here a while longer and try to figure out my intranet issues. 

OMG I HATE STUPID PEOPLE

Just thought I'd share.  Powerpoint is not an advanced degree type software.  Not at all.  Why are people so incapable of using it?  Good fucking lord.  I understand that I need to consider that it's not second nature to everyone like it is to me, but for fuxsake, it is NOT rocket science!.

it's official

I"m fucking frustrated and can't really figure out 100% why.  Oh well.  whatever.  nevermind.

Frustration abounds

Been a long frustrating day.  Figuring out how much the freelancer is making definitely turned out to be a massive demotivator.  Why should I do anything?  She's getting paid the price of three of me...let her do it and I'll just sit here and be the lowly assistant that everyone treats me like.  It's just so frustrating.  I ask and ask and ask and push just a little bit be included in more of the marketing planning/strategy meetings and Hestia REFUSES to include me.  I'ts not fair.  I want to learn!!  She's absolutely stalling my learning process and that's something that is valued at this company - or at least I thought it was and in other roles it most certainly is.  Just not in marketing.  The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that she is definitely threatened by my education.  Why else would she not let me learn?  I don't get it.  I'm not gunning for her job.  I just want to know how the process works here so I can apply it to future jobs.  I see ALL other directors, leaders, vp's doing sharing their knowledge - why should SHE be the exception?

As per my new normal

I'm feeling sick after eating.  What's the deal????  I guess I'll have to go to the dr.  Too bad I'm incapable of skipping meals.  I really feel sick.  Work is very stressful.  It's stressing me more than I knew it was.  Sitting in a meeting today hearing about FY10 made me feel sicker.  And as usual I immediatly think "call mom" - can't do that and I think that's bothering way more than I let myself realize. 

 

but if I can stop eating I'll lose weight.  Can't hurt, right?

I am doll parts

I'm sick of Hestia!!  But it's weird.  I get along fine with her and like her on a person level, most days.  But I seem to be fighting for control of things that aren't in my control.  Since day one she's had nothing to do with Quest marketing – it's been all me.  And now she's taking it over.  Tristan is back for 6 more weeks, so that's 6 weeks of me not doing work I want to do.  I like Tristan, I like the work she does.  It's absolute BS how much she gets paid when we get pay cuts.    I wonder what kind of fun salary surprises we get for FY10.  Anyway…I'm just pissed.  And cancelling meetings pisses me off too, especially when I'm not told until 5 minutes after the meeting starts. 

 

It's all BULL SHIT.

 

 

It's so hard for me...

...to not be emotional.  Aunt Amira is in an AFC home and there's all kinds of drama.  There's alleged abuse and neglect....I don't know.  It's just a shitfilled situation. 

I'm mean

There's just no way around it.  I'm mean.  I read Phelan's letter to mom.  And while I know it was hard for him to write and it means so much to him, he really does have his own memories of the past - he remembers things as he wants to remember them, not as they actually happened.  I won't call him out on it.  But it kind of reinforces to me that he's either a pathological liar (and I don't mean that in a sarcastic way - I really think he believes the stories he tells) or there's just something else wrong in his head.  It makes me sad actually.  I think that's why he struggles so much between keeping a job, keeping relationships and getting along with others.  I wish he could go see a dr and get on something that would make him see the world in a normal way. 

 

I couldn't finish reading his letter.  not sure I ever will.  I can't even push myself to go back through my blog to read what I wrote the days after mom died.  I'd like to share that with a couple people but I'm not ready for that and neither are they. 

Got it

I know how I feel now.  Crap...it left me again.

 

I'm just stupid today I guess.  Inadequate but I think I just said that.

I am ...

I don't know what I am today.  Insufficient?  Underappreciated?  Not good enough?

 

why am I here of Hestia loves Ris so much?  WTF.  Fucking hire her already.  I don't want to fucking work with Hestia anyway.

This is not the way I'm wired

Everything and everyone runs late at my work.  We were supposed to have a brochure sent to the printer last Friday.  it's Wednesday and it's STILL not done.  They are constantly making changes and they just don't understand that this is not how it's supposed to work. 

 

I'm very very irritable today.  The boss's are on my nerves.  I miss my mom.  I don't feel good.  I'm so very depressed.  This just f'ing sucks.

 

How are you, my imaginary friends?

I hate stupidity

The way things are done at some organizations is fucking retarded. I'm pissed. Things should not be sofa king difficult.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

I don't want to be that person

Since mom died everyone has decided to confide in me and share with me all of their bad news. WTF? I can't handle this. I have my hands full with my own issues and grief right now. I'm not sure I'm willing to take more on. And this family friend informed me of some abuse going on. I don't quite know what to do about it. I'm encouraging her to tell her mom but I don't think she will. I did tell her I would talk to her mom if I thought she was in danger and I think she is. So I'll give her a couple opportunities to tell her mom and if she doesn't do it, I will.

Seriously though....I can't do this anymore!!! I just want to get through my shit.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

Dear Hundo

I don't give two shits about your JCD.  It is not my fault that you lost all of the pictures for the bios you did.  It is not my responsibility to find them for you so your JCD can be 'complete'.  Go f yourself.  Have a good day.

 

Hugs and kisses

So...

I'm doing my research paper for the class from hell.  And I'm not only under the gun, but the gun is loaded and someone has their finger on the trigger, and it's slowing being pointed at my temple.  I should have started this way earlier, but oh well.  I work well under pressure.  I know this. 

 

So what's my problem?  It's not coming together logically like I want it to.  So, I'm going to use my blog to just type nonsensical bullshit until I can wrap my brain abou what needs to be written.

 

I'm writing about how blogs, specifically corporate blogs, can influence brand loyalty.  There has been many studies to show how word of mouth (or, word of "mouse" as some publications call it (NYT, 2004)) on the internet can enhance sales for a company depending on what people say in their blogs.  Many bloggers (people who blog) will write product reviews they've had experience with, or personal reviews of companies based on products or services, or customer service.  what companies have paid advertising to do, bloggers do and with more effect. 

 

consumers who are internet savvy are beginning to expect more from companies.  They want to be able to communicate more with corporations.  This communication has typically come from managent through marketing and advertisement pieces to the consumer.  What about communication direct from company employees, or even the CEO's?  What can this do for a coporation? 

 

I guess at some point in the paper, I need to define brand.  I wish I hadn't used that term!  Anyway...

 

A brand is defined as a business or a specific product.  Brand loyalty is the behavior of individuals to repeated purchase the same products or products made by a particular company.  This behavior is motivated by trust (kim) among other factors.  Companies use marketing and advertising to help promote their products and convey a sense of trust to the consumer. 

 

____

 

wow...random memory while watching lost.  I can't remember the guy's name.  Chris, maybe.  anyway...I just watched the episode in Season two that ends with "Dad?" on the computer screen.  Chris came to my desk the day after that aired, peaked his head around the corner and said "Dad?" in his best kid voice.  Ha!  I forgot all about that.  And I forgot about him, too!  I had a HUGE crush on him.  He was engaged at the time.  I don't know if he ever married.  But the memory made me smile.  I have the heat up to 80 in the apartment and i'm still cold from standing outside thisa fternoon.  Oh!  I didn't mention that I locked my damn keys in my damn car and had to pay $45 for someone to get them out  That's not too bad.  Im' sure in LA it would have been more expensive. 

 

back to the paper

 

_____

 

This is where I need to find a connection from brand loyalty to corporate blogging.  And is what I'm doing the literature review or is it the introduction?  I think it's more lit review, so that means I still have to write the introduction.  But I need to finish the lit review as well.  O good lord...I don't think Im' going to finish in time.  This is bad bad news.

 

 

But I'm getting along ok in thepaper now that I've turned the TV off.  Probably should have done that hours ago.  My paperis SO not going to be the 50 pages it was supposed to be, but I might hit 15.  that's pushing it.  I need to get more wordy, but there just isn't that much to say.

Amira

You're killing me today, Amira.  I ask you for the same things over and over and over and you never ever get it right and you never remember to do specific tasks when they are due.  WTF. 

I've been doing homework for 12 hours

I think I can justify taking the rest of the night off.  maybe.  I feel like i'm....forgot what I was going to say because I decided to call my cousin mid sentence!  OH!  I feel like meeting wednesday's deadline isn't going to be such a problem.  I have little pieces of each section done.  I just need to flesh it out and I can do that on luches and after work this week.  Plus I'm taking wednesday off (I think) to finish the paper. 

 

Now...dinner.  I bought frozen stuff that's not so great and I have lots of crab meat and could have a sandwich...but I'm lazy and think I want fast food. We'll see. Because that's what I need...to get even fatter.

I've been pissed since 6:30 AM

Just thought I'd share. I hate people who are neither on time nor organized.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

I am a nerd!!!

So I'm doing research for a paper that's due too soon.  I found this very cool feature with the online library.  I can choose however many documents I want, save them to a "my records" folder thing and then I can have them send me pdfs of each article!  Dude...that's kickass.  YAY!  Saves me an assload of time  What will take an assload of time is reading all of these.  I'm contemplating haveing them all printed, but that's going to be HUNDREDS of pages.  We'll see.

Dear mom

What the fuck?  You, Bass's mom and now curtis's mom?  Everyone is fucking dying.  What the hell is happening!!  I feel like I am surrounded by death.  Make it stop already.

Dear Hestia

Fuck you.  Really.  just fuck you.  You've taken everything fun about my job and contracted it out to someone you feel fucking sorry for.  Now you want me to do the fucking data entry for it?  Fuck you.  Take your data entry and shove it up your skinnybitch ass. 

 

Love and kisses,

 

Brennan

 

 

Seriously, though.  WTF!  Today sucks my ass.  Yesterday sucked my ass.  I'm in a horrible mood.  i hate EVERYONE and EVERYTHING.  And fuck...I forgot my happy pills AND my hormones.  Fucking super.  maybe I should just call it a fucking day.

I am struggling

Between the complete depression I've fallen into, school, freelance and work, I feel like I'm drowning.  I think I need to quit school, but I really don't want to.  I can't quit work and I won't quit freelance as that's easy and fun money.  Something has to give because I'm just not making it right now.  I'm going to call the dr today. 

I HATE HIM

There's this asshole in my class.  We'll call him Brad because fuck being confidential.  I"m so fucking sick of Brad trying to be the teacher.  He can go fuck himself.  He pisses me the fuck off.  he's an asshole and is a fucking STUDENT not the fucking TEACHER>  GO FUCK YOURSELF BRAD!  I hated you in the last class and I hate you EVEN FUCKING MORE this class.  If I have another fucking class with him, I'll fucking quick school.

 

 

I am not smart

I should have gone through upromise to buy all the shit I bought recently to get a percentage towrads school.  Oh well.  next time, right?

 

Dad....oh my god.  He's so scattered.  We understand now why mom would get so frustrated with him.  I bet it's part of his parkinsons.  He can't keep on task often, and when he does it's some useless exercise in futility. 

 

I'm just frustrated today.  I probably need to eat. 

Dear mom

Please give everyone in this house some fucking prozac.  Everyone is bitchy, me included and it's pissing us all off, me included.  I feel bad because I used to love coming home but it was because I got to see you.  I love dad.  I love Turlach.  But this is a different place now without you and i don't like it.  The cigarette smoke.  The dogs.  The tempers.  This house feels different now.  I never thought being the only female in the family would feel so weird but it does.  I don't like it.  I don't think I like anything today.  I'm so sick of the smoke and the tempers and the emptiness.  I hate it.

 

And I wish everyone would stop driving me fucking insane. 

Well

It's been a bit since I've blogged.  I'm on an emotional roller coaster from hell as well as the schedule from hell!  I've been so busy betweek work, freelance and school that I don't have time to breathe.  Last night I took time to clean my lovely apartment, and I suddenly felt less stressed.  Funny how that works.  Tonight I'll do homework and freelance stuff. I wish I could call in sick for the day, but I'm already at work, so no such luck for me! 

 

Going up north to visit dad and Turlach this weekend.  It's very difficult going up north nowadays.  I used to love the ride and maybe I will again tomorrow.  Who knows.  OH!  Crap, that's what I was going to do at lunch was clean out my car.  Maybe after work?  Maybe still at lunch.  I can go home at lunch :)  Fun!

 

Nothing much to tell.  I'm still very sad.  I feel guilty for living my life when I think I should be sitting around grieving for mom.  It's still unfuckingbelievable to me that she's gone.  It sucks ass.  I'm going to start working on Thank You notes for the funeral.  ick.  I'm not looking forward to that at all.  But oh well.  The Aunties will help me get started.  I'll need more cards but I don't know how many yet.  Probably 300.  Stamps are going to be expensive. 

 

Ok.  I need to work.

I love the new computer

But I'm scared to death of the new versions of Adobe CS.  I know my way around CS2 so well.  CS4 is killing me, but I've only used it for a few minutes.  I imagine it'll get better soon.  I wonder how accurate the color is on this monitor?  It seems accurate.

 

I just watched Burn After Reading.  Don't ever watch that movive.  What a piece of shit!  It was so stupid.  I absolutely hate it when movies are marketed one way and are so 100% not what they were marketed as.  I don't pay attention to reviews because they piss me off, but had I read reviews of this, I probably would have avoided it.  Seriously...one of the dumbest movies I've seen. 

 

I'm tired.  It's too early to be so tired.  I think I'm going to watch Bones in bed and probably go to sleep early.  I have a very busy day tomorrow.

 

SHIT.  I forgot to call my Aunties.  I keep meaning to call them but now it's late.  I wonder if it's too late to call.  I guess I'll find out.

Hello world, meet the new laptop

We'll call her MB for now. She's pretty!! Like a bronze color and so shiny and soft. I love her muchly!

Tomorrow is three weeks

Three weeks since mom died.  Today is an easier day than the last two, so far.  But it's early, so you never know what will set me off.  I slept much better last night which was nice.  I just miss mom so much.  I feel so sad and empty and everything is foreign. 

 

Finished my research paper for my dumbass class.  And all the classmates who I have truley learned to despise are in my next damn class.  Please shoot me now.  6 more weeks with these idiots might push me over the edge. 

I need help

I think I'll call some kind of counselor this week.  Over and over I run mom's last two days in my mind and I keep thinking there has to be something I could have done to help her.  What if she didn't want to die?  What if she knew what was going on?  What if she was in pain?  My mom is gone and I'm lost. 

today's song

Statue, by Low Millions

 

The weatherman says goodnight

the Empire State Building's turning off it's lights

the refrigerator stops

and suddenly it's quiet.

I never noticed the ceilings were so low

I never saw all the cracks on the window

I never saw myself as sentimental,

but here I go.

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the floor thinking about you

I talk to myself like the crazies do

otherwise I'm great, what about you?

Ain't nothing going on here but the rent

\I can't account for how my days are spent

I wanna draw the line between who I am

and who I invent.

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the floor thinking about you

I talk to myself like the crazies do

otherwise I'm great, what about you?

The weatherman says blue skies

but it's raining like the clouds all decided to cry,

and every time you hurt me I say

it's all right it's all right it's all right.

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the couch all day like cats do

waiting for the phone to ring, but it won't ring,

Without you

I've been standing 'round you like a statue

laying on the floor thinking about you

I talk to myself like the crazies do

otherwise I'm great, what about you?

 

-----------

 

This song makes me think about mom

I miss my mom

This is just such a fucking ridiculously unreal time in my life right now.  I have so much going on that should be making me content and happy.  But it doesn't mean shit to me right now.  My mom died.  It doesn't matter how many times I say it, it doesn't seem real.  I just can't belive it.  Maybe I need to talk to someone about it.  I keep myself busy so I don't have to deal with it.

 

I have these awful memories of her last two days.  Did I do something wrong?  Did I push her pain button one time too many?  Could this have been prevented?  Did she know we were there?  Did she hear me ask if she wanted me to say?  Did she really open her eyes wider when I asked that or was it just some involuntary reaction to her brain dying.  I want these questions gone and out of my head.  I can't even remember the sound of her voice or her laugh. 

 

I'm so incredibly sad.  I wouldn't say I'm depressed.  Just so sad and lost.  I don't know how, but the sun comes up everyday and I manage to get out of bed and go to work.  I manage to pretend to be ok at work.  I manage to get my work done and do my homework and exercise and look for more work.  But I don't know how I manage that.  I don't know how life goes on without her.  I don't want to know this reality.  I never wanted to know this.  She was my best friend.  I loved her more than anything in the whole world and she's gone.  Just like that...it was so fast.  I guess that all means I'm managing.  That's as good as it gets for me.  I'm managing.  I'm not happy about it.  I'll never be happy about it.  I wonder if I can ever be happy again, or will I just keep managing my empty life. 

Dear Phelan

I don't care about that guy.  I don't know him.  I'm sad he's sick, but really...don't care.  Grieving.  Our mother died.  I don't care to hear about other people who are dying.  I'm busy crying about my mom.  And by the way...dad didn't go to school with you so he doesn't know who Gerry hung out with.

Dear mama

Give me patience to deal with your son Phelan.  he's driving us all insane.  You know how he gets.  Everytime we say something that doesn't quite please him he storms off saying "I might as well go home".  It's taking every ounce of will in me not to say "FUCKING LEAVE THEN".  I know that's you working in me.

 

I can't believe your gone, mom.  I just can't believe it.  I don't want to.  How the hell do I live without you?  I don't have anyone to talk to outloud anymore.  I didn't realize how much I talked to you or just how much I depended on you until you were gone. 

 

Your last days are haunting my brain and I wish it'd stop.  You were lying in the hospital bed twitching and rolling your eyes.  I said "Open your eyes if you want me to stay" and you opened them really wide.  But you did that anyway.  But I can't help but sit here and wonder if we did the right thing.  Were you aware of what was going on?  You had to be so scared.  It's more comforting to think you were already gone, but that one small reaction haunts me.  I need it to go away.  I need you to find a way to tell me that wasn't you asking me to stay...that it was your body doing fucked up things on its own.  I need those images to go away....I can't deal with them. 

 

 

Why did you die, Mom

I can't fucking do this.  I'm sick of being polite to people.  I'm sick of people thinking they want to talk to me about you and that I really want to hear what they fucking have to say.  I don't want to go to your viewing tomorrow.  The only thing that'll push me there is dad.  And I swear to god and sonny jesus...I have no patience for the D cousins.  They have no fucking excuse to not have stopped by the house by now.  None.  I won't accept excuses.  I won't be polite.  I don't want their fucking consolation.  I want them to come in, say goodbye and leave five minutes later.  That's all the fucking time I have for them. 

 

Some moments are better than others.  We're able to remember you and smile.  Not sure how that's going to work out today.  I didn't approve your obit, but I just can't do it.  I just can't.  I know dad wanted me to write it, but it's so hard.  Writing it makes it so real.  I don't want reality yet.  I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare. 

 

 

Dear Mama

You died Thursday afternoon.  I don't know how I can even still be breathing let alone getting through every day.  I don't know how to get through this; how to live a life without you.  What do I do?  I don't know mom.  Please help me figure this out.  I can't do this.  I can't go to your funeral.  I never thought I'd ever lose you this early in life mom.  This isn't fucking fair.  I feel so empty and lost and confused.  How does dad live without you?  How is he going to do this?  How do any of us do this mom?  I can't even dream.  I'd hoped you'd pop in and tell me what to do or give me advice.  But you're playing games hiding our shit instead.  While that's humorous, it's annoying and I'd rather have you here.

I'm glad you have no more pain and that you're not suffering.  I'm glad you're not in a fucking hospital bed anymore.  And here's the part I feel very selfish and guilty for; I'm glad I don't have to go to fucking Munson anymore.  I'm glad I don't have to go to that horrible nursing home anymore.  What the fuck!  I shouldn't feel good about that.  I never minded visiting you ever, but you know my thoughts at this point.  I loved you, but it was a burden on all of us.  We NEVER minded, but that didn't make it easy. 

I'm so thankful I spent a solid month with you even if it was in a hospital room.  You were so sick, but you fought so hard to get better and to come home.  I can't imagine the pain you were in, Mom.  So many surgeries and infections.  You never once complained.  Not once.  I'm so proud of you for that.  You taught me so much in that month about integrity and graciousness.  I wish I would have held your hand more.  I wish I would have hugged you more.  I wish I would have said I loved you more.

I held your hand as you died.  And then I had a big ass hissy fit.  I am thanful we could all be there with you when you died.  You looked so peaceful.  I hope that you were in the room with us and not in that worn down body of yours.  I hope you were holding dads hand. 

I'm sure you were as shocked as we were at Kathy's presence.  I have no doubts you rolled your eyes when OG told you Judy was praying for you, though I also know you were thankful for the prayers.  And did you see all that food she brought?

I have a selfish immediate favor to ask.  Buddy didn't like you but can you make him shut the hell up?  I hate his fucking whining but dad needs rest more than we do.  All I want to do right now is scream at the top of my lungs or cry so hard I puke.  I want to lose control just for a few minutes.  I don't know how else to get these fucking feelings out.  Writing you a letter certainly isn't helping much. 

Wow...thanks...the dog shut up!

I feel better having written this.  I imagine there will be many more letters to come.  Please help me through this mom.  I don't know how to live without you.  I never wanted to know how to do this.  I never wanted to know pain like this.

I'm learning

Maybe I am smart, afterall.  All this time I thought that everyone else is stupid...and a big part of me still believes that.  But today, questions people are sending me that I find ridiculously easy they are having difficulty with.

 

Shrug sent an email that his webpage wasn't working.  Just from what he explained on the email I knew exactly what was wrong.  Amira couldn't figure it out and gave it back to me.  It's not rocket science and she's been doing the intranet long enough that she should be able to pick that stuff up as easily as I can.  She's been doing this for over a year now.  Give me a break!

 

Smokey can't even make a simple chart in excel.  Again...not rocket science.  As a matter of fact, it's barely basic science!!  It's a simple chart...excel does the work for you, but she didn't even know how to set up that data.  Who doesn't know how to do that?  My 12 year old nephew can do that.  hell, he can do most everything I can!

 

So today I'm thinking maybe I do have advanced skills.  Maybe I take for granted that things I think are easy and assume that everyone knows how to do  them  are actually things that take some amount of skill/

 

Mostly....I think everyone else really is stupid and lazy.

I am so frustrated

I'm gonig to see how quickly I can get an additional loan so that I can hire someone to move my shit.  Turlach is killing me.  I'm so done with dealing with his bs and his "poor me" attitude.  DONE DONE DONE!  He pisses me the fuck off.  I'm just so looking forward to living the fuck alone.

I have filed my taxes

Exciting shit.  Same money as last year, only this year I have many more bills to pay.  At least I can get ahead on my car and start paying that a couple weeks early so it doesn't interfere with rent.

 

Did I mention I'm moving?  I got the apartment I wanted.  It's so cute!  I move a week from today.  I can hardly wait!  No more Turlach to answer to.  I can do whatever I want.  I can lay in bed all night and watch tv if I want.  YAY!  Anytime I think of moving I get all hyper and happy :)

 

I may or may not have mentioned I have a sick crush on Robert Pattinson.  It's sick.  Really.  He's barely over 21!  But still...crush I shall since there's nothing better to do. 

 

And now I will either watch netflix, read more about Pattinson in hopes I'll learn to hate him or read Tommyknockers!!

I am inspired

Barack Obama inspires me.  He makes me want to be more involved in the political process.  He makes me so incredibly proud to be an American.  I don't think any other person has ever or will ever make me feel so proud to be who I am!!  His speech was great.  Too bad people in the office wouldn't "shut it" like I not so kindly asked them to do.  I never said I was polite...I am American, afterall :)

 

 

i am a fuck up

I have to have a co-signer for an apartment.  What, am I 18?  WTF!  I've held jobs consistantly for over 15 years.  I've never been late on rent.  i've never been kicked out.  I've never been a nuiscance.  EVERYONE in the fucking state has bad credit - do they want to make money or not?  Ii'm not a risk.  My credit is fucked for a number of reasons.  it's just not fair. 

Hi

Hi mom....today is Saturday January 17th.  Shawn asked me to leave the hospital today instead of tomorrow because of the roads and because we have so much to do.  I'm sorry I made you make that decision.  I didn't want to leave at all but I also didn't want to ask Shawn to make the extra trip up to TC just to get me.  I thought if you really wanted me to stay you'd have asked, and I know you would have.  It's just so hard for me to leave you alone there.  I hate the thought of you being all by yourself and I've felt awful about it all night.  I know a lot of it is that I just really need to sleep, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

 

So I decided to write you an email and I hope I follow through and keep writing emails so you have a bunch of fun stuff to read when you finally get home. 

 

I miss you so much.  It was so scary for all of us when you were so sick.  We didn't know if you were going to make it through those first few nights and munson.  It was torture, but I thank God that you did make it through.  I guess I need to learn to be patient for you to be able to come home and for me to be able to see you whenever the hell I want to. 

 

But I'm scared to death that if I leave something will happen and I'll never see you again.  Everyone tried to get me to leave Munson in December, but I just couldn't.  I'm glad Kenyatta let me stay up there.  I wish things were better at the company right now for me to be able to stay up there again, but that's not a possibility.

 

Anyway....I just needed to share that with you.  I miss you more than you can imagine. 

I am back at the hospital

Mom's having another surgery today.  Not exciting news.  Not fun, either.  I"m stressed out.  I hurt my back.  and EVERYONE is pissing me off.  I feel bad about it, but mom is too.  I'm a horrible person.  I'm tired.  I'm in pain.  I'm grumpy.  I'm stressed out about moving.  OH....

 

Turlach got a new job up north, so he's moving in with the folks in two weeks.  So I'm pretty much fucked.  Don't get me wrong, i'm really glad he got the job and proud of him.  I'm excited for him to move out and I'm even more excited for me to have my own place.  HOWEVER...I don't know if I can get into a place in two weeks.  I'm really freaking out about that.  I halfway have my heart set on one place.  I bet I end up in a fucked up house that I don't want to be in.

 

man....i'm just pissed at the fucking world today.  Time to go read more Bella and Edward. 

So....

I am cold.  It's freezing out.  But i'm not that cold I suppose.  I just want something to whine about.

 

I'm supposed to be writing content for the website, but I can't get my head into it.  I ahve some written, but not nearly enough.

Tell me to take a breath

Because people are pissing me off.  One person in particular.  TANNER.  GO FUCK YOURSELF.  You know how to do these changes and it is YOUR responsibility to do so...quit pushing your fucking work off on me. 

 

I'm just frustrated this afternoon.  I'll get over it pretty darn quick.  I have to. 

 

I was going to walk after work, but I don't really feel like it.  I don't remember why.

 

And I hate when the news idiots tell us there's this big damn storm coming and it never shows up.  I love storms so now I'm really disappointed. 

I am irritated, as usual

Many things are driving me insane today:

 

Amira.  She's just pissing me off, I guess.  She's not even trying to do something before asking me how.  TRY IT FIRST!  it's not like this is the first time I've asked her to do something like this.  It's a bi-weekly thing.  She's not stupid.  I don't know wtf her deal is, but it's pissing me off.  And as usual she's in a bad mood and doesn't feel good.  Save it.  I'm not in a good mood either and my ear feels like it's going to fall off, but I do my work.  I don't whine (outloud).  I get my fucking work done.  Take a cue from me!!

 

Tanner.  She knows how to do what needs to be done.   I know that doesn't make sense.  But she fucking grates on my goddamn nerves.  She needs pages added to the internal website.  She's 100% capable of doing that on her goddamn own.  What the fuck is the deal that she can't do it now?  Fuck you, Tanner.  Do it your fucking self. 

 

life.  you suck right now life.  Get your shit together.

 

Turlach.  He needs to decide what the fuck he's going to do so I can fucking plan accordingly. 

 

WTF...are my hormones not working anymore?  Happy pills not doing it?  I hate feeling so damn pissy all the time.  I irritate myself.  Brennan, you're a fucking bitch today.  Get the fuck over your mood and get to fucking work!  And while you're at it, find something to do at work other than email friends....get the fuck busy.

Monday, bloody Monday

Yes, I know the song is Sunday Bloody Sunday, but it's not Sunday.  It's bloody monday!  I hates Monday's precious.  Well...actually I don't hate them.  I'm just not getting into my job like I should.  I'm going to try harder, though.  I have to. 

 

more later

I have a fucking masters degree

I'll soon have two.  And I'm told to fucking clean someone elses fucking office.  This is fucking bullfuckingshit.

I can't function today

I haven't done shit and I feel really bad about that.  But I also want to leave early and am pissed that Zeus doesn't automatically say "sure".  it's a fucking hour, ass.  You don't need anything from me.  I am just so irritable right now.  I hate feeling like this.  Maybe I was supposed to have changed the patch?  i've lost track of the days.  I hate that stupid thing.  It sucks. 

 

I'm so so so tired today.  Turlach wants me to drive north.  That pisses me off but whatever.  I hate having his fucking dog in my car.  Speaking of hating dogs, we're going to live together again.  what the fuck.  i'll never be able to fucking live alone.  I don't want to live with him..  I hate his dog.  I hate everything right now.

Really....it's crackfic

I can't put the stupid books down.  I spent money on the third book that should have been spent on something more important...like GROCERIES or GAS to get to work!  But no...i get the third book.  I'll have to tell Turlach that someone here bought it for me.

 

I got an art magazine at work.  It has given me ideas for artwork for whereever I end up living - either with Turlach, on my own here, or on my own somewhere else...we'll see!

Where's my Edward?!

So I haven't been sleeping and not because i'm not tired.  I'm exhausted.  But these fucking books keep me awake!  i'm contemplating not buying the third (yeah right) just so I can get some sleep tonight!  Why do I like these books?  They are the eptiome of crackfic.

 

It's going to cost us 20-30K just to transport mom between the nursing home and the hospital.  I hate insurance.  Why pay for it if it won't cover everything.  WTF!

 

Work is irritating.

 

I just want to go read my book!  i'm pathetic.  2 more hours and I can go read in peace.  Ofcourse, I'm not sure if I have meetings this afternoon or not...so I should check that out.  I so want to just call in sick.  I'm tired.  I don't want to work.  I'm not motivated even a little. 

Would you like to know what pisses me off?

I'm sure you do!

 

What pisses me off is when Zeus goes to Hestia about a project I'm working on asking if it's done yet.  First, I am right here sitting in front of his office.  he could ask me.  Second, this means Hestia will get credit for the work I've done...as fucking usual.

 

What's my deal today!!  Other than being tired, that is.  i'm so fucking bitchy.  I hate feeling like this. 

i am fucking worried

I just heard a word said here that scares the hell out of me.  A word that means I might not have a job in a month or two. 

I am tired

First day back to work.  I'm already tired.  I have to decide what, if anything, I am going to do for lunch.  I know I should eat.  I am hungry.  But I don't feel like eating at all.  I just don't want to.  I don't want to be here.  The book sucks.  it's such horrible fan fic, but I can't put it down!  it's like that one story I read about Lauren and that guy and when the second story came out, it was lauren and some other guy I couldn't care less about if I tried! 

 

And where the hell is MY edward cullen anyway?  I don't think he exists. 

 

oh!  I haven't taken happy pills...maybe that's part of my lethargic feelings.  I dunno.  I wish I felt like eating.

It's Official

I'm obsessed with Edward Cullen.  it's sick really.  And in this ridiculous city I'm staying in THERE ARE NO COPIES OF THE DAMN SERIES ANYWHERE!!  I'm not a happy customer.  I hate this city anyway.  If it didn't have the best hospital in the state, I wouldn't come here ever again.  And after mom's fourth surgery, I'm never coming back.  I didn't even think these people could read.  Bunch of damn hillbillys.  Maybe they hire someone to read to them or even better...they bought it for their reading-able, non-hillbilly downstaters! 

 

No....i'm not obsessed.  I haven't read the book twice in 24 hours.  Shut up.  Nor have I considered who could be the edward cullen in my life.  Not for two seconds.  Nope.  Not me.  I'm just not that kind of girl.

 

I am leaving this shithole city tomorrow.  Begrudgingly, too.  I don't want to leave mom, but there's a bigass storm Sunday and I can't not work Monday.  Bleh.  Stupid responsibilities.  We hates them, precious!

I am pathetic

Years ago I was obsessed with this guy....we'll call him Dick Head.  Dick was not nice to me.  At the time he was 100% a lack of options obsession.  But I liked him.  Crush aside, we really were good friends and had a lot of fun together.  But he really led me on while talking crap about these other girls who were also obsessed with him.  And I don't even know why any of us liked him.  He was charming to a fault, but he's not that attractive and was a manwhore.  He was pretty mean to me and while I don't like to think about it, I know he talked shit about me and made fun of me behind my back.  he did that to everyone else, why would I be any different?  Anyway....I was looking at my friend Bonnie's facebook friend's list and there he is....Dick Head.  So what do I do?  I email the fucker.  And then I obsess about whether or not he'll email me back.  he did and he recognized me (I didn't say who I was...it has a fake name (I know you're shocked) and only my picture).  So now I'm obsessing again and I wish I wouldn't.  Again...lack of options.  But mostly I'd like to just figure out how to let all of that BS go.  I don't know if talking to him will make that any better or not, but I guess I"ll find out. 

 

And do you want to know what's funny?  Ofcourse you do!!  Shit.  I forgot!!!  LOL!!!  Maybe I'll remember in a bit. 

 

Mom's feeling awful tonight.  She's in a lot of pain and they haven't done anything about it yet.  I'm worried and getting pissed.

 

I'm reading Twilight.  I can't put the damn book down no matter how guilty I feel about how little work I've gotten done!!!

2009??

3.75 more hours until this dumbass year is done.  bleh.  I have a headache.  I'm a little cranky.  I don't want to go back to the city.  Not that I want to stay here, but I just want to be with mom. 

 

 

I am frustrated

I don't know why this webpage bs is giving me issues.  When I delete a text box thing, everything in a different frame deletes.  WHAT THE FUCK?  I'm getting pissed!

 

Dad went to the ER this morning.  He has vertigo.  I'm sure he had a panic attack.  He is not handling mom's illness very well. 

I am tired

The old man next door to mom was screaming, literally, for an hour and a half last night to go home.  I'm not convinced he knows where he is.  If I ever end up like that, just fucking shoot me.  I don't want to live confused and scared like he is.  Hell no.  just put me down, man!

Hey Turlach!

I can't pay my bills either.  I am not in the mood for your sob story.  I swear all he does is complain.  It's frustrating. 

 

I'm moving in March, I decided.  We'll see how that works out for me!

It's that time of year

Time for that damned new years resolution thing.  As of right now I know what two of my resolutions will be, and I shall tell no one but my invisable friends!

 

First - my yearly resolution of get healthier.  This year I think it is sinking in more than before. My mom is very large (I'm not far behind her).  Seeing what she has to go through just to roll over after her surgery is horrible.  I don't want that for myself.  I'm going to exercise for at least 30 minutes after work everyday.  I have to force myself to do it.  I have to remind myself of what mom is going through; of how many people it takes to move her up in bed and of how many people it takes to help her sit up and of how she's too heavy and weak to stand on one leg.  I can't let that happen to me.  She's in pain all the time from pressure on her joints.  My knees are aleady beginning to hurt.  I don't want replacements like the rest of the family has (though I don't know I have a choice in that! - stupid genetics).  So that's my thing.  I need to be healthier, lose weight, and get stronger.  I can't be a fatass forever.  I go through bouts of "who the fuck cares - I'm eating what I want".  Now it's not about outward appearances anymore.  It's about avoiding the humiliation my mom has to go through just to get cleaned up in the morning.  No thanks.  I am going to lose this damn weight.  I'm also going to talk to the dr about having some kind of gastric surgery.  That might help me along.  We'll see.  I don't think I really want to go that route.  ANyway...all of this starts when I go back to work.  I'm not telling anyone about it.  I'm just going to do it. 

 

Second - I'd like to dress more professional at work.  I'm so casual.  But I need to be less casual and show interest in my career path.  I want to be taken more seriously and I can't do that if I wear a tshirt and khaki's with tennis shoes to work.  Bleh.  I hate big girl shoes.  But I have to get over it and start dressing the role.  Some baseball player said "You win some, you lose some and some get rained out but you gotta suit up for them all".  I like that quote!

 

I'm not sure if I have more than that.  Save money, but that won't happen.  It's a nice thought but I'm getting a pay cut in January, so there'll be no saving money!  I'll try, but I won't stress myself out over it.

 

I'm starting school Feb 19.  I'm looking forward to it!!  I can't wait to buy my books and start classes.  I think I might see if I can take both classes at the same time.  The graduate seminar looks sinfully easy.  We'll see, though.  I'll call an advisor in January to see what their advice is. 

 

I have to get my butt in gear and move.  Once my student loans come in, I'll get a new place.  That'll be the ideal time for the first/last months rent thing.  I just need to figure out where I'm going to live.  And I think I should ask Zeus for his 100% honest opinion.  I don't want to sign a year long lease if the company is going to go out of business.  OH!  I totally forgot that I have that second job with orchids!  I need to call them.  That'll help financially but wow will I not have time for ANYTHING between two jobs and school.  Crazy!

I'm bored and still in the hospital with mom. So, I thought I'd blog about her whole terrible ongoing ordeal.

December 4:
Mom had extreme hip pain. It took her 45 minutes to walk 10 feet to the bathroom. Dad called the ambulance because there is no way she could have made it to the car. Ling Hospital sent her home with no pain medication and an obvious diagnosis of "Hmm...you have arthritis in your hip. Arthritis can cause pain, ya know!" Genius's. Ling hospital is the epicenter of brilliance.

Friday, December 5:
Turlach and I come home to find mom in horrible pain. She can't stand. She can't even scootch up in her chair to stand. She has urinated and deficated in her chair because she could not move. We called 911 again to get her to Ling Hospital. she was admitted and put on some IV stuff, but I don't know or remember what.

Saturday, December 6:
On my way to Ling Hospital I get a frantic call from Turlach saying that Ling H called them and that mom was having difficulty breathing, was agitated and confused. I got there and she looked scared out of her mind. Her heart beat was 130. Her respitory rate was 34 (normal is 16). They ran some blood tests to see if she's had a stroke, a heart attack, or whatever. The blood tests showed that she had a heart attack. She's moved to the critical care unit. Her vitals are much lower in the evening than in the morning. Just below normal, actually.

Sunday, December 7:
her vital signs drop. Blood pressure is 80/30, pulse is still 130 and respitory rate is still high. Kidneys are slowing down. She's transferred to Son Center where they discover she's in septic shock and dying. She's in the cardiac care unit. The cardiologist asks one of us to stay the night with her because he wasn't sure what would happen. I've been here ever since.

Monday, December 8:
Little improvement. Her heart rate and breating are under control, but her bp is still low. She has a staph infection in her blood which is what caused the sepsis, septic shock and heart attack. In the afternoon she's more alert, but still not really talking or making sense. She's sent for a ct scan of her hip to see if the staph infection is in her hip since that's where her pain is. After the scan, she's moved from cardiac care to intensive care.

Tuesday, December 9:
In the morning, she's much more alert and her vitals are crawling back up. In the afternoon, though, her vitals drop again and she's not really conscious, but not unconscious if that makes sense.

Wednesda, Dec 10:
The dr's decide that they need to operate on her hip to irrigate infection out. After surgery she is so much better! She has color in her face, she's talking and joking.

Thu Dec 11:
Her vitals drop again, but not as low as before. She's still just this side of kidney failure because of the sepsis and staph infection. Her BP is up and down throughout the day from 220/180 to 60/20.

Dec 12-14:
She makes improvements. She receives some physical therapy for her hip. She can sit in a chair comfortably. She can stand. Her kidneys improve and her bp stabelizes.

Mon, Dec 15:
Another hip surgery. This time is a partial replacement with antibiotic filled temporary cement fictures (ball and spacer). She spends 5 hours in recovery in extreme pain and confusion. She had no clue where she was and apparently there was yelling and screaming. i'm thankful I didn't have to hear that. Once she's back in her room she's doped up, but stable.

Wed, Dec 17:
She was transferred from ICU to Ortho.

Sat, December 20:
Her infection is improving. She's much more herself, but she's unable to move much because of the pain. The dr doesn't want her to bear any weight on her right leg, so she's mostly bed bound. In the evening, we notice that her urine is very dark and gets darker when she has a bowel movement. They send her urine in for testing.

Sun, Dec 21
When I wake up, she's in isolation. She has VRE (Vancomiacin Resistant Ecchsomething) which is typically caught by patients on antibiotics in an ICU environment. Her urine color doesn't improve.

Wed Dec 24
She is sent to have a barium enema test to see if she has a fistula - an abnormal connection and opening between the rectum and bladder - she does.

Christmas Day
Depressing, but we made the best of it. Dr's stopped in to say that they plan to do surgery to fix the fistula. We're not excited about that at all. Merry Christmas Mrs Dwyer - I'm going to cut your gut open.

Yesterday and today were very similar. She's doing alright. She's mostly herself, which is great. She's even bitchy and that's awesome. I was really getting sick of her being so polite. When she doesn't feel good, she gets over polite with the please and thank yous and oh my god what would I do without yous. And that's to strangers!! We're frustrated about surgery, but it'll really help her in the end. They can't do a full hip replacement (OH yeah...they are planning a full hip replacement once the staph infection is gone) until the VRE is under control. They can't get the VRE under control until the Fistula is gone. When they do the fistula they'll also repare her cystocele and rectocele. It'll be a big surgery, but she'll be so much better when she comes out of this.

She still has a very long frustrating road ahead of her. We're all exhausted. I get really tired and weepy sometimes but mostly I'm doing better than people give me credit for. People tell me I need to go home. I have no intention of going home! As long as I can stay here, I plan to do so. I'm not uncomfortable. it sucks wondering when the next shower will be, but I manage just fine. I'm not looking foward to going back to work next week. The thought of it stresses me out completely. But I can't stay up here forever. I just want mom to get into an extended care facility closer to Bally. Ideally she can get into one before Jan 5th, but ideal isn't real. So...we'll wait and see. She'll be fine!

She's seen 23 doctors so far and has had over 30 nurses care for her. Everyone here has been so completely wonderful! We couldn't ask for better care unless they had a magic wand that would make her instantly better!

I am depressed

Because there isn't enough shit going on in my family with mom so sick, dad's car died tonight.  So now he's going to take it to Turlach tomorrow (200 miles from home, 300 miles from the hospital) and pick up my car and drive back.  There's supposed to be a storm too.  wahoo.  AND....to boot, Turlach said he plans on spending christmas in his city working on their car.  That is the last straw for me.  Fucked up situation or not, you need to fucking be here for christmas.  you're being a fucked up drama queen about this.  Repairs can wait until next week.  Fuck that....Duar can do the repairs in Compton for that matter.  He's capable.  He knows mom and dad's situation.  Why create all of this fucking goddamn drama!  I'm fucking done with all of this bullshit.  I fucking hate drama.  I'm sick of this fucking hospital.

 

Oh...did I mention mom is now in isolation because she has antibiotic resistant ecoli?  yeah.  And because I'm a selfish bitch, I'm pissy about having to wear gloves all the fucking time.  And now they said I can't use her fucking bathroom.  So I have to go three floors down to wash up.  And forget washing my hair.  Can't have that.  This is fucking ridiculous.  My life...my family's life is so fucking fucked up and ridiculous.  This is not fucking fair.  What the fuck did we do to deserve this.  I'm fucking sick to death of people saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle"  Fuck that shit.  God has no part in this bullshit.  he didn't make the car break down and he sure as hell isn't going to fix it.  He didn't make mom get sick.  He isn't making her better. 

 

THIS ISN"T FUCKING FAIR.  None of it.  No christmas.  No bed.  No shower.  Family doesn't visit.  What the fuck?

 

fuck everyone.

I am still with mom

We're still in the hospital.  She's now in isolation because of a new bacteria present in her body - one that is highly contagious, apparently.  It supposedly doesn't pose a threat to her health or a change in her health status.  It's just another bacteria her body is fighting.  It's similar to MRSA in that it doesn't respond to most anitbiotics.  It is treatable, though.  I imagine this kind of puts a definitely status of having to spend Christmas in this dumbass hillbillyville city. 

 

I hate the Roloffs.  Or maybe it's TLC I hate.  It's hard to tell because god knows how their lives are edited for viewership.  Their display of wealth is disgusting, especially in times like these.  Hiring people to decorate your house when you have 4 very healthy and able children to do it is absolutely ridiculous.  Spending that kind of money when people can't afford gifts makes me sick.  I'm one of those people who can't buy gifts for anyone this year.  I'm spending all of my money on this stay in the hospital with mom.  It's not free...trust me. 

 

There was supposed to be a big storm today but it seems to have pooped out.  I was hoping dad would come visit...so was mom.  But he's pissing me off.  I feel he's being lazy as hell.  If the weather is fine he needs to get his ass up here.  That's BS that he is at home.  It hurts moms feelings but she'd never admit that.

 

I'm sick to death of hospital food.

 

What else can I whine about?  I'm irritated that mom has a different nurse every 8 hours.  She never has the same nurse twice and constantly has to re-explain why she's in the hospital.  It's tiresome. 

 

Ok.  I'm done wining....for now anyway!

I am irritable

Everything is pissing me off tonight. I'm so fucking tired.  Dad is both irritating and depressing me. 

I've been...

living in a hospital for two weeks with my mother.  It's interesting watching the people in the ICU waiting room.  You get your share of narrow minded piece of shit hillbillies.  Then you get this lady like the one next to me who is just bitching up a storm about how she gets sick everytime she comes to the hospital and how ridiculous their rules are.  And she's so aunt zwartha - putting in her two cents and correcting everything her husband is saying on the phone.  Good lord woman...let him talk.

 

But it's also making me think...maybe men just aren't sticklers for details like women are.  My dad and brother do the same thing.  They kind of gloss over the detials of a situation whereas I want to get into every little piece of information so people understand what I'm talking about. 

 

And woman next to me doesn't like people nusing cell phones in the hospital....so I think I'm going to call everyone I've ever met!