I have a fucking masters degree

I'll soon have two.  And I'm told to fucking clean someone elses fucking office.  This is fucking bullfuckingshit.

I can't function today

I haven't done shit and I feel really bad about that.  But I also want to leave early and am pissed that Zeus doesn't automatically say "sure".  it's a fucking hour, ass.  You don't need anything from me.  I am just so irritable right now.  I hate feeling like this.  Maybe I was supposed to have changed the patch?  i've lost track of the days.  I hate that stupid thing.  It sucks. 

 

I'm so so so tired today.  Turlach wants me to drive north.  That pisses me off but whatever.  I hate having his fucking dog in my car.  Speaking of hating dogs, we're going to live together again.  what the fuck.  i'll never be able to fucking live alone.  I don't want to live with him..  I hate his dog.  I hate everything right now.

Really....it's crackfic

I can't put the stupid books down.  I spent money on the third book that should have been spent on something more important...like GROCERIES or GAS to get to work!  But no...i get the third book.  I'll have to tell Turlach that someone here bought it for me.

 

I got an art magazine at work.  It has given me ideas for artwork for whereever I end up living - either with Turlach, on my own here, or on my own somewhere else...we'll see!

Where's my Edward?!

So I haven't been sleeping and not because i'm not tired.  I'm exhausted.  But these fucking books keep me awake!  i'm contemplating not buying the third (yeah right) just so I can get some sleep tonight!  Why do I like these books?  They are the eptiome of crackfic.

 

It's going to cost us 20-30K just to transport mom between the nursing home and the hospital.  I hate insurance.  Why pay for it if it won't cover everything.  WTF!

 

Work is irritating.

 

I just want to go read my book!  i'm pathetic.  2 more hours and I can go read in peace.  Ofcourse, I'm not sure if I have meetings this afternoon or not...so I should check that out.  I so want to just call in sick.  I'm tired.  I don't want to work.  I'm not motivated even a little. 

Would you like to know what pisses me off?

I'm sure you do!

 

What pisses me off is when Zeus goes to Hestia about a project I'm working on asking if it's done yet.  First, I am right here sitting in front of his office.  he could ask me.  Second, this means Hestia will get credit for the work I've done...as fucking usual.

 

What's my deal today!!  Other than being tired, that is.  i'm so fucking bitchy.  I hate feeling like this. 

i am fucking worried

I just heard a word said here that scares the hell out of me.  A word that means I might not have a job in a month or two. 

I am tired

First day back to work.  I'm already tired.  I have to decide what, if anything, I am going to do for lunch.  I know I should eat.  I am hungry.  But I don't feel like eating at all.  I just don't want to.  I don't want to be here.  The book sucks.  it's such horrible fan fic, but I can't put it down!  it's like that one story I read about Lauren and that guy and when the second story came out, it was lauren and some other guy I couldn't care less about if I tried! 

 

And where the hell is MY edward cullen anyway?  I don't think he exists. 

 

oh!  I haven't taken happy pills...maybe that's part of my lethargic feelings.  I dunno.  I wish I felt like eating.

It's Official

I'm obsessed with Edward Cullen.  it's sick really.  And in this ridiculous city I'm staying in THERE ARE NO COPIES OF THE DAMN SERIES ANYWHERE!!  I'm not a happy customer.  I hate this city anyway.  If it didn't have the best hospital in the state, I wouldn't come here ever again.  And after mom's fourth surgery, I'm never coming back.  I didn't even think these people could read.  Bunch of damn hillbillys.  Maybe they hire someone to read to them or even better...they bought it for their reading-able, non-hillbilly downstaters! 

 

No....i'm not obsessed.  I haven't read the book twice in 24 hours.  Shut up.  Nor have I considered who could be the edward cullen in my life.  Not for two seconds.  Nope.  Not me.  I'm just not that kind of girl.

 

I am leaving this shithole city tomorrow.  Begrudgingly, too.  I don't want to leave mom, but there's a bigass storm Sunday and I can't not work Monday.  Bleh.  Stupid responsibilities.  We hates them, precious!

I am pathetic

Years ago I was obsessed with this guy....we'll call him Dick Head.  Dick was not nice to me.  At the time he was 100% a lack of options obsession.  But I liked him.  Crush aside, we really were good friends and had a lot of fun together.  But he really led me on while talking crap about these other girls who were also obsessed with him.  And I don't even know why any of us liked him.  He was charming to a fault, but he's not that attractive and was a manwhore.  He was pretty mean to me and while I don't like to think about it, I know he talked shit about me and made fun of me behind my back.  he did that to everyone else, why would I be any different?  Anyway....I was looking at my friend Bonnie's facebook friend's list and there he is....Dick Head.  So what do I do?  I email the fucker.  And then I obsess about whether or not he'll email me back.  he did and he recognized me (I didn't say who I was...it has a fake name (I know you're shocked) and only my picture).  So now I'm obsessing again and I wish I wouldn't.  Again...lack of options.  But mostly I'd like to just figure out how to let all of that BS go.  I don't know if talking to him will make that any better or not, but I guess I"ll find out. 

 

And do you want to know what's funny?  Ofcourse you do!!  Shit.  I forgot!!!  LOL!!!  Maybe I'll remember in a bit. 

 

Mom's feeling awful tonight.  She's in a lot of pain and they haven't done anything about it yet.  I'm worried and getting pissed.

 

I'm reading Twilight.  I can't put the damn book down no matter how guilty I feel about how little work I've gotten done!!!

2009??

3.75 more hours until this dumbass year is done.  bleh.  I have a headache.  I'm a little cranky.  I don't want to go back to the city.  Not that I want to stay here, but I just want to be with mom. 

 

 

I am frustrated

I don't know why this webpage bs is giving me issues.  When I delete a text box thing, everything in a different frame deletes.  WHAT THE FUCK?  I'm getting pissed!

 

Dad went to the ER this morning.  He has vertigo.  I'm sure he had a panic attack.  He is not handling mom's illness very well. 

I am tired

The old man next door to mom was screaming, literally, for an hour and a half last night to go home.  I'm not convinced he knows where he is.  If I ever end up like that, just fucking shoot me.  I don't want to live confused and scared like he is.  Hell no.  just put me down, man!

Hey Turlach!

I can't pay my bills either.  I am not in the mood for your sob story.  I swear all he does is complain.  It's frustrating. 

 

I'm moving in March, I decided.  We'll see how that works out for me!

It's that time of year

Time for that damned new years resolution thing.  As of right now I know what two of my resolutions will be, and I shall tell no one but my invisable friends!

 

First - my yearly resolution of get healthier.  This year I think it is sinking in more than before. My mom is very large (I'm not far behind her).  Seeing what she has to go through just to roll over after her surgery is horrible.  I don't want that for myself.  I'm going to exercise for at least 30 minutes after work everyday.  I have to force myself to do it.  I have to remind myself of what mom is going through; of how many people it takes to move her up in bed and of how many people it takes to help her sit up and of how she's too heavy and weak to stand on one leg.  I can't let that happen to me.  She's in pain all the time from pressure on her joints.  My knees are aleady beginning to hurt.  I don't want replacements like the rest of the family has (though I don't know I have a choice in that! - stupid genetics).  So that's my thing.  I need to be healthier, lose weight, and get stronger.  I can't be a fatass forever.  I go through bouts of "who the fuck cares - I'm eating what I want".  Now it's not about outward appearances anymore.  It's about avoiding the humiliation my mom has to go through just to get cleaned up in the morning.  No thanks.  I am going to lose this damn weight.  I'm also going to talk to the dr about having some kind of gastric surgery.  That might help me along.  We'll see.  I don't think I really want to go that route.  ANyway...all of this starts when I go back to work.  I'm not telling anyone about it.  I'm just going to do it. 

 

Second - I'd like to dress more professional at work.  I'm so casual.  But I need to be less casual and show interest in my career path.  I want to be taken more seriously and I can't do that if I wear a tshirt and khaki's with tennis shoes to work.  Bleh.  I hate big girl shoes.  But I have to get over it and start dressing the role.  Some baseball player said "You win some, you lose some and some get rained out but you gotta suit up for them all".  I like that quote!

 

I'm not sure if I have more than that.  Save money, but that won't happen.  It's a nice thought but I'm getting a pay cut in January, so there'll be no saving money!  I'll try, but I won't stress myself out over it.

 

I'm starting school Feb 19.  I'm looking forward to it!!  I can't wait to buy my books and start classes.  I think I might see if I can take both classes at the same time.  The graduate seminar looks sinfully easy.  We'll see, though.  I'll call an advisor in January to see what their advice is. 

 

I have to get my butt in gear and move.  Once my student loans come in, I'll get a new place.  That'll be the ideal time for the first/last months rent thing.  I just need to figure out where I'm going to live.  And I think I should ask Zeus for his 100% honest opinion.  I don't want to sign a year long lease if the company is going to go out of business.  OH!  I totally forgot that I have that second job with orchids!  I need to call them.  That'll help financially but wow will I not have time for ANYTHING between two jobs and school.  Crazy!

I'm bored and still in the hospital with mom. So, I thought I'd blog about her whole terrible ongoing ordeal.

December 4:
Mom had extreme hip pain. It took her 45 minutes to walk 10 feet to the bathroom. Dad called the ambulance because there is no way she could have made it to the car. Ling Hospital sent her home with no pain medication and an obvious diagnosis of "Hmm...you have arthritis in your hip. Arthritis can cause pain, ya know!" Genius's. Ling hospital is the epicenter of brilliance.

Friday, December 5:
Turlach and I come home to find mom in horrible pain. She can't stand. She can't even scootch up in her chair to stand. She has urinated and deficated in her chair because she could not move. We called 911 again to get her to Ling Hospital. she was admitted and put on some IV stuff, but I don't know or remember what.

Saturday, December 6:
On my way to Ling Hospital I get a frantic call from Turlach saying that Ling H called them and that mom was having difficulty breathing, was agitated and confused. I got there and she looked scared out of her mind. Her heart beat was 130. Her respitory rate was 34 (normal is 16). They ran some blood tests to see if she's had a stroke, a heart attack, or whatever. The blood tests showed that she had a heart attack. She's moved to the critical care unit. Her vitals are much lower in the evening than in the morning. Just below normal, actually.

Sunday, December 7:
her vital signs drop. Blood pressure is 80/30, pulse is still 130 and respitory rate is still high. Kidneys are slowing down. She's transferred to Son Center where they discover she's in septic shock and dying. She's in the cardiac care unit. The cardiologist asks one of us to stay the night with her because he wasn't sure what would happen. I've been here ever since.

Monday, December 8:
Little improvement. Her heart rate and breating are under control, but her bp is still low. She has a staph infection in her blood which is what caused the sepsis, septic shock and heart attack. In the afternoon she's more alert, but still not really talking or making sense. She's sent for a ct scan of her hip to see if the staph infection is in her hip since that's where her pain is. After the scan, she's moved from cardiac care to intensive care.

Tuesday, December 9:
In the morning, she's much more alert and her vitals are crawling back up. In the afternoon, though, her vitals drop again and she's not really conscious, but not unconscious if that makes sense.

Wednesda, Dec 10:
The dr's decide that they need to operate on her hip to irrigate infection out. After surgery she is so much better! She has color in her face, she's talking and joking.

Thu Dec 11:
Her vitals drop again, but not as low as before. She's still just this side of kidney failure because of the sepsis and staph infection. Her BP is up and down throughout the day from 220/180 to 60/20.

Dec 12-14:
She makes improvements. She receives some physical therapy for her hip. She can sit in a chair comfortably. She can stand. Her kidneys improve and her bp stabelizes.

Mon, Dec 15:
Another hip surgery. This time is a partial replacement with antibiotic filled temporary cement fictures (ball and spacer). She spends 5 hours in recovery in extreme pain and confusion. She had no clue where she was and apparently there was yelling and screaming. i'm thankful I didn't have to hear that. Once she's back in her room she's doped up, but stable.

Wed, Dec 17:
She was transferred from ICU to Ortho.

Sat, December 20:
Her infection is improving. She's much more herself, but she's unable to move much because of the pain. The dr doesn't want her to bear any weight on her right leg, so she's mostly bed bound. In the evening, we notice that her urine is very dark and gets darker when she has a bowel movement. They send her urine in for testing.

Sun, Dec 21
When I wake up, she's in isolation. She has VRE (Vancomiacin Resistant Ecchsomething) which is typically caught by patients on antibiotics in an ICU environment. Her urine color doesn't improve.

Wed Dec 24
She is sent to have a barium enema test to see if she has a fistula - an abnormal connection and opening between the rectum and bladder - she does.

Christmas Day
Depressing, but we made the best of it. Dr's stopped in to say that they plan to do surgery to fix the fistula. We're not excited about that at all. Merry Christmas Mrs Dwyer - I'm going to cut your gut open.

Yesterday and today were very similar. She's doing alright. She's mostly herself, which is great. She's even bitchy and that's awesome. I was really getting sick of her being so polite. When she doesn't feel good, she gets over polite with the please and thank yous and oh my god what would I do without yous. And that's to strangers!! We're frustrated about surgery, but it'll really help her in the end. They can't do a full hip replacement (OH yeah...they are planning a full hip replacement once the staph infection is gone) until the VRE is under control. They can't get the VRE under control until the Fistula is gone. When they do the fistula they'll also repare her cystocele and rectocele. It'll be a big surgery, but she'll be so much better when she comes out of this.

She still has a very long frustrating road ahead of her. We're all exhausted. I get really tired and weepy sometimes but mostly I'm doing better than people give me credit for. People tell me I need to go home. I have no intention of going home! As long as I can stay here, I plan to do so. I'm not uncomfortable. it sucks wondering when the next shower will be, but I manage just fine. I'm not looking foward to going back to work next week. The thought of it stresses me out completely. But I can't stay up here forever. I just want mom to get into an extended care facility closer to Bally. Ideally she can get into one before Jan 5th, but ideal isn't real. So...we'll wait and see. She'll be fine!

She's seen 23 doctors so far and has had over 30 nurses care for her. Everyone here has been so completely wonderful! We couldn't ask for better care unless they had a magic wand that would make her instantly better!

I am depressed

Because there isn't enough shit going on in my family with mom so sick, dad's car died tonight.  So now he's going to take it to Turlach tomorrow (200 miles from home, 300 miles from the hospital) and pick up my car and drive back.  There's supposed to be a storm too.  wahoo.  AND....to boot, Turlach said he plans on spending christmas in his city working on their car.  That is the last straw for me.  Fucked up situation or not, you need to fucking be here for christmas.  you're being a fucked up drama queen about this.  Repairs can wait until next week.  Fuck that....Duar can do the repairs in Compton for that matter.  He's capable.  He knows mom and dad's situation.  Why create all of this fucking goddamn drama!  I'm fucking done with all of this bullshit.  I fucking hate drama.  I'm sick of this fucking hospital.

 

Oh...did I mention mom is now in isolation because she has antibiotic resistant ecoli?  yeah.  And because I'm a selfish bitch, I'm pissy about having to wear gloves all the fucking time.  And now they said I can't use her fucking bathroom.  So I have to go three floors down to wash up.  And forget washing my hair.  Can't have that.  This is fucking ridiculous.  My life...my family's life is so fucking fucked up and ridiculous.  This is not fucking fair.  What the fuck did we do to deserve this.  I'm fucking sick to death of people saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle"  Fuck that shit.  God has no part in this bullshit.  he didn't make the car break down and he sure as hell isn't going to fix it.  He didn't make mom get sick.  He isn't making her better. 

 

THIS ISN"T FUCKING FAIR.  None of it.  No christmas.  No bed.  No shower.  Family doesn't visit.  What the fuck?

 

fuck everyone.

I am still with mom

We're still in the hospital.  She's now in isolation because of a new bacteria present in her body - one that is highly contagious, apparently.  It supposedly doesn't pose a threat to her health or a change in her health status.  It's just another bacteria her body is fighting.  It's similar to MRSA in that it doesn't respond to most anitbiotics.  It is treatable, though.  I imagine this kind of puts a definitely status of having to spend Christmas in this dumbass hillbillyville city. 

 

I hate the Roloffs.  Or maybe it's TLC I hate.  It's hard to tell because god knows how their lives are edited for viewership.  Their display of wealth is disgusting, especially in times like these.  Hiring people to decorate your house when you have 4 very healthy and able children to do it is absolutely ridiculous.  Spending that kind of money when people can't afford gifts makes me sick.  I'm one of those people who can't buy gifts for anyone this year.  I'm spending all of my money on this stay in the hospital with mom.  It's not free...trust me. 

 

There was supposed to be a big storm today but it seems to have pooped out.  I was hoping dad would come visit...so was mom.  But he's pissing me off.  I feel he's being lazy as hell.  If the weather is fine he needs to get his ass up here.  That's BS that he is at home.  It hurts moms feelings but she'd never admit that.

 

I'm sick to death of hospital food.

 

What else can I whine about?  I'm irritated that mom has a different nurse every 8 hours.  She never has the same nurse twice and constantly has to re-explain why she's in the hospital.  It's tiresome. 

 

Ok.  I'm done wining....for now anyway!

I am irritable

Everything is pissing me off tonight. I'm so fucking tired.  Dad is both irritating and depressing me. 

I've been...

living in a hospital for two weeks with my mother.  It's interesting watching the people in the ICU waiting room.  You get your share of narrow minded piece of shit hillbillies.  Then you get this lady like the one next to me who is just bitching up a storm about how she gets sick everytime she comes to the hospital and how ridiculous their rules are.  And she's so aunt zwartha - putting in her two cents and correcting everything her husband is saying on the phone.  Good lord woman...let him talk.

 

But it's also making me think...maybe men just aren't sticklers for details like women are.  My dad and brother do the same thing.  They kind of gloss over the detials of a situation whereas I want to get into every little piece of information so people understand what I'm talking about. 

 

And woman next to me doesn't like people nusing cell phones in the hospital....so I think I'm going to call everyone I've ever met!

I am living in a hospital

...with my mom.  Mom has a staph infection in her blood.  It probably snuck in through a crack in her heel and has wreaked havoc ever since.  She went into septic shock and had a heart attack.  She was near death for a few days.  it has bee the most frightening experience I've ever had to deal with.  her blood pressure is still unstable.  She's going between 80/45 to 220/180.  They're doing everything they can do stabelize it.  She had surgery this past wednesday on her hip, where they believe the staph infection has made a cozy little home.  Monday she'll have another surgery to irrigate the hip again and insert a new ball and spacer in her hip.  I hope it won't be excrutiating for her.  I want her to come home.

 

And I feel so selfish.  I want to go home.  I need a shower today and have to figure out how I'm going to make that happen.  I'll gladly pay $20 for a room at the hospitality house just for the damn shower!

I am thankful yet worried

I'm privy (sort of) to specific information and I am thankful that said information is in my favor.  I'm sad for whose favor it is not in.  And I'm scared that it's not the end of the depression.  They are also doing a pay cut.  I better not be included on that.  I'll be BEYOND pissed.

 

 

Well...

I think the jury is still out on Facebook.  People are emailing me now because Turlach deleted his account.  Whatever.  The only reason Ciriddy emailed is because she has an obsession with Turlach.  Turlach was not nice to her at all.  He used her and should be ashamed of himself.  On the otherhand, it's too bad Ciriddy doesn't think that Turlach is a pig and still wants him.

 

Nothing against Turlach at all - love him to pieces.  But I've been on Ciriddy's side of that kind of relationship and it's not fun nor is it fair.  It's bullshit, actually.

 

Work's been keeping me very busy.  I'm doing my best to stay focused.  yesterday was good.  Today is starting off ok, but not stellar.  I got some things out of the way that I don't like to do.  At least I don't really have to think about them for the rest of the day.

 

I'm wearing a green sweater today.  it fits but to me it feels tight.  It doesn't look bad - as a matter of fact it looks good, but I'm so far from comfortable.   And my incision has been hurting.  i'm considering going to the dr about it.  I'm starting to get a little worried. 

I am always late

Late on bills, anyway.  I just paid cable online for the first time.  I remember to pay the cable bill when cable service is shut off.  Anyway...after I submitted the payment, it said it might take THREE DAYS to complete the transaction.  WHAT?  That better not mean it'll take them three days to turn service back on.  fuckers.

I did it

I applied for the MBA program.  I'm feeling insecure about it, but i'tll be just fine, I'm sure. 

 

I want to write more but I keep getting distracted with work!

Good lord

Things and people are stressful and pissy today!  WTF is going on!?!?

I am fussy (I think i've been that before)

i'm worried about mom and dad.  I hate that they are unable to take care of themselves.  it's so sad.  Dad...he's in his own little world most the time and he's either purposely not doing things that need to get done, or they just don't exist to him.  I don't know if that's part of parkinsons or not, but he's scaring me.  So is mom.  Seeing what she types on our family site - I don't know if she doesn't have her thoughts together or just isn't reading what she's typed before she posts.  She's not making sense.

 

I'm also fussy about Aunt Amira.  The older cousins don't call her "Aunt" and I find that extremely disrespectful.  Mentally disabled or not, she is still our Aunt.  Give her that respect!

 

 

I never said I was a quick learner

What I taught myself today is very old hat to a lot of designers.  Everything I know is self taught, so I always have a bigger learning curve than those who have a fancy schmacy edumication!  What did I learn, you ask?  I learned how to make images with transparent backgrounds.  I always knew how to make gifs transparent, but I hated the quality, so I found ways around having transparent backgrounds.  But now I need the transparency and discovered just why people use png files instead of gifs.  I never really looked into the benefits of png vs gif, but now I see it.  I'm so very excited for myself!

 

I hate that my learning curve is like this, but I can't afford any formal graphics training and my company won't pay for it.  So...I play and learn.  And really, that's kind of the fun way to do it, anyway.  I retain much more having tried and tried and finally succeeded at whatever task. 

 

So...yay me!  I can move on with the redesign :)  WOOHOO!

I am thinking

Thinking can be dangerous!  Apparently I have lots of things on my mind this morning. 

 

I have a huge wish list of what I consider necessary electronics I must have.  I need my own laptop.  At the very least I need a new computer, be it a laptop or desktop.  I'll probably go with a desktop because you get more bang for your buck, but I'd like both a new desktop and laptop.  I found the desktop I want.  it's 2300 I think.  But it's also a TV.  It's a touch screen, which I don't find necessary at this point.  I want a tablet - there are very expensive ones that I'd love, but I'd settle for just a medium priced one.  I want more portable memory.  I need more cards for my camera.  Hell...I need more lenses, batteries, maybe a different case, and maybe a portable card reader so I can dump cards as they get full should I be hired to for weddings or whatever.

 

That reminds me.  I haven't been in touch with that girl about her wedding pictures.  With everything that's gone on with mom, it just slipped my mind and isn't a huge priority.  I think I'd charge $500.  I don't know if that's expensive or not, but that's what I'd charge.  Half up front, and half on delivery.  That also reminds me...thinking about that finally helped me figure out what a contract would look like for any business that I do.

 

The other thing on my mind is that I HAVE to get that application in for Baker College.  Do I apply for financial aid first?  I don't know how that works.  I guess it would make sense to make sure I can get approved before applying.  And since I've waited this long to apply, I won't be starting school until February.  But that's ok with me, I guess.  I need to write my essay, but I don't know what to say.  Originially my reason for wanting my MBA was shallow.  Weezie told me she was getting hers, so I decided I have to get one too.  But it had already been on my brain for a while.  I had asked both Zeus and Hestia if they thought it was a good idea.  They didn't give me answers I liked so I decided that yes...it's a good idea.  Zeus asked why I needed an MBA to be his assistant.  Hestia said I don't need an MBA to be a designer.  Why are those answers not good?  Because those answers tell me that they don't think my ambitions go farther than the work I'm currently doing.  Their answers said I'm content where I am and that I don't want more.  I do want more.  I want to be a leader.  I want to be a director.  My ideal job, I think, is an art director, or director of marketing.  I'm not even close to that level of work because I feel I need more education to thoroughly understand the business side of my work.  I'm just beginning to be involved in budgeting and in creating marketing plans from conception through completion.  I want to be more involved.  I want to eventually be the leader, the director.  Without an MBA, I don't feel that's going to be possible.

 

Why Baker?  I feel that Baker offers me the flexibility I need in an educational program.  I work alot of hours.  Especially once I start freelancing, attending classes would be nearly impossible for me.  Having the opportunity to complete a degree online is perfect for my situation.  I'm able to do course work before my job, during lunch break, after work before I go home, on weekends - it fits to my lifestyle at this point in time.  That's not to say that I won't miss the classroom.  I'm an education junkie - I'd love nothing more than to sit in a classroom all day long, learning learning learning!  When i was doing research on what MBA programs were suitable for me, Baker came up every time as a leader in business education.

 

I want the degree for two reasons.  One is to potentially get a promotion at work.  The other is to obtain another job at a higher level with a different company.  In economic times like we have currently, there really is no such thing as job security.  Receiving and MBA in Marketing is necessary to continue on my career path.  I have the ambition and drive to complete this degree program successfully.

 

This was good for me...I think there's an entrance essay in here.  I just needed to get started somewhere.  My invisible friends are always a good place to start.

I am fucking crabby today

I want to be left the fuck alone and that's impossible in this house full of people.  And it's not full of normal people.  They're all fucking obnoxious as hell.  Fin stinks.  Puberty sucks for him.  Turlach annoys the fuck out of me.  Dad drives me insane.  Maybe I need a goddamn nap.

 

The dogs are even driving me insane.  Maybe I need a real meal and not just junk. 

bills bills bills

I'm attempting this morning to sort ot my medical bills.  They are a mess!  Bt I think I have some of it figured out.  Some stuff I have to find receipts for, but can't.  One payment I made I have absolutely no clue what it was for and therefore do not have a receipt.  I'll gladly pay them back for that.  Everything else I can find for the most part.  bleh.  frustrating.  But one thing is good - the BIG bill isn't overwhelming.  I could actually pay that this friday if I wanted.  And I might, given I can straighten everything else out first.

I decided...

...that Facebook and MySpace were created to remind people that no one liked them in high school.

I am going to cry

Illustrator for some reason is no longer working properly on my computer.  When I try to save something it shuts down.  Fuck.

I am the font queen!

I currently have 10,450 fonts.  I haven't looked at them all yet.  6K I know and have looked at, but I purchased an 8K package on Friday.  Clearly lots of repeats, but still hit the jackpot on getting more fonts.  It's a sickness, I know.  But I don't know how other designers can work with only like 20 fonts and honestly the still get better results than I do.  I like fonts, though.  I just do.  I do lots of personal design stuff for friends family and clients (well, potential clients) and I use different fonts all the time.  I'm using three different computers right now, though, so making sure I have all the same fonts on all computers can be tricky, but I always have my master folder on my portable drive. 

 

Speaking of which, I need to get DVD's to back up said portable drive as well as a second drive.  I'm running out of room.  Zeus said he doesn't get how anyone needs 500 gigs.  I told him he's not taking the right pictures!  300 gigs are just pictures. 

 

Anyway...Today is chore day.  I"m doing laundry, cleaning my room (kinda) and working on my resume and portfolio.  I'd also like to scan some pictures too but I don't know if I'll make time for that.

 

 

What the hell?!

I'm FINALLY beginning to get my portfolio thoughts together and started looking in my city for other designers portfolios.  What the F?  Design firms...firms i've interviewed at, have shittastic websites, if you can even call them websites.  It's a splash page with a phone number listed, an email address and a link to a pdf of their portfolio.  Really?  Is that what companies here are reduced to?  Or is that common?  Do all companies do this?  No.  I looked for firms in Chicago and they have normal websites.  At last normalcy was restored but i'm still flaborgasted.  One firm in particular that I was very disappointed to not get a job at has NOTHING for a website now.  No email address, even.  Just a phone number and a pdf.  The pdf says NOTHING about the company and just has samples of their work.  It's all stuff I can do in my sleep, so I'm not impressed with them anymore.  I just don't understand though.  If this is the trend of things to come, then yes - I'll have to move to Chicago to get work.  I know I can't freelance.  It's too competitive and I really don't want to do it.  I want a job with an office and benefits. 

 

I don't really know if I can stay at my current job.  The company is doing so poorly I don't know how they'll manage to stay afloat and I don't want to go down with the ship.  On the other hand, if they stay working there are such exciting projects coming up that I really want to be part of.  That could turn into a whole other Oprah - I don't think they'll involve me as far as graphic design goes and that will fucking piss me off.  You're broke and you have a very capable marketing department, but you've hired an outside marketing firm?  WTF?  And who hired that firm...THE MARKETING DIRECTOR!  Says a lot about her skills and confidence.  She won't include mne in things...I just know it.  I want to be involved in projects from conception to completion, but they won't let me.  I'm more capable than any of them are and still they doubt me. 

 

I guess I'm more angry than I admit. 

Dear Not Hollys Mom

FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX SHIT ON YOUR OWN.  I'm not IT.  I'm not paid to trouble shoot your bullshit Word issues.  I just want to get my fucking job done. 

Dear Hestia

If you are going to have a meeting that gives me assignments, I should absolutely be at that fucking meeting. 

 

You and Zeus have a nifty way of making me feel worthless.  Thanks for that.

I am here

Been feeling good this week.  YAY.  I think I could really dig living alone.  I know I could because I don't look forward to Turlach coming home from deer camp.

 

Anyway...

 

Why can't people follow directions?  I've found that several times at work this week that people just don't listen.  I don't know why anyone tries to take control of my projects.  In the end, I'm going to do what's best for the project and not what others like.  I don't want a calendar filled with employee pictures.  They mostly suck and it won't be interesting to people outside of work.  This calendar I'm making isn't just for CE.  it's not just internal.  We went through 2000 last year and we only have maybe 600 employees.  Customers take them.  Sponsors ofcourse get them and why would they want to sponsor a calendar of stupid employee pictures?  They wouldn't.  End of story.  So...I'm very much in the mind set of doing what I want when I want to do it. 

 

 

I Am Going Insane

Slowly but surely I'm going insane.  I'll get there pretty quick if this day doesn't end though.  headache from hell to begin with.  Computer problems galore.  Zeus fuck ups galore (not my doing, but being considered my fault).  I need a massage!

 

 

Dear you

Really.  Fuck you.  I get it.  I'm nothing here.  You make decisions for me too easy lately and that makes me sad.

Dear Amira

You fucked up.  Again.  I don't think you should be up here.  All you do is fuck things up lately.  Use some fucking common sense.  I'd rather work 16 hours a day knowing everything is being done right than have to go around and clean up your fucking messes.

Dill Emmas

So things are screwy in these parts lately!  I'm back to work which would normally be a good thing, but now it's just a confusing fucked up thing.  I asked for a specific type of raise at work.  My work has this weird "rating" system, for lack of a better term.  The level of work I'm rated and paid for is administrative assistant.  That's level 4, the lowest you can be in salary.  The level of work I really do is 7/8.  I asked to be moved to the appropriate level for the work required of me.  Nope.  They said in five years I could do it since my "skills aren't quite there."  Well if they aren't there, then show me another person in the company who can do the type or work I do and I'll gladly learn from them.  But there isn't anyone else who can do what I do.  If there is, they aren't admitting it. 

So here's the dilema.  While I"m very frustrated with my salary, I do love my job.  I love 95% of what I do.  I have fun with co-workers.  I just really enjoy my job.  But I can't afford to work there anymore.  I feel underappreciated.  I'm WAY underpaid.  It hurts my feelings.  So I know I need to look for a new job, and I am doing that.  But deep down inside, I don't want to leave my job.  There are potentially very exciting things to come for the company, no matter how bad it's doing right now.  I want to be a part of that.  I've never liked a job before and I know damn well I won't like a job the way I like this one.  Nothing will ever measure up.  Ever.  And living in the state of Michigan, there just are no jobs around, so I'll end up having to move to probably Chicago or something.  While moving to a REAL city sounds fun, I don't want to move farther way from the family than I already am.  Mom's been very sick.  Dad's not doing much better than she is...I just can't be farther than a half day drive away.

This being an adult stuff is absolute bullshit.  I know I will have to leave but I do NOT want to.  I've procrastinate the entire weekend away.  I should have worked on my resume and gotten my portfolio together, but I didn't even try.  This sucks.

Dear Hundo

I am not here for your bidding.  I don't sit here and wait for you to ask me to do something.  Occasionally I have my own things to do.  Go fuck off and print things yourself.

Letters

Dear Gether -

 

I think you might need ridilin!  FOCUS.  It's a really great thing to do!  I don't have the time to answer your questions and answering them only makes me realize what the fuck am I doing still working here?

 

Dear Zeus -

 

I really do like working for you, but you piss me off sometimes.  It's nice to know that i'll never move ahead and that I'll only ever be seen as an assistant.  That hurts my feelings and pisses me off to no end.  YOU piss me off to no end sometimes.

 

Dear Zeus' friend -

 

I want to meet you!!  I hope you're not married because you are such a huge flirt.  I love talking to you on the phone.  You need a name.  I'll figure that out later.

 

Dear everyone else.

 

Fuck off

 

 

Dear invisble friends -

 

I bet you really missed my letter!

 

 

Smooches!

 

Brennan!

Dear Gether

I have a Masters degree in multimedia.  MASTERS. DEGREE.  I have 15 years experience with webdesign and I still don't know everything.  NO!  IT'S NOT FUCKING EASY TO CREATE WEBPAGES WITH FLASH CONTENT!  You didn't even know what I was looking at when I brought up the source code of the page, what the fuck makes you think you can figure it out by the end of the day you know it all piece of shit?  Think my job is so easy...fucking take it because I'm not sure I want it anymore.

Today's the day

Today decides whether I stay in GR or move to Chicago.  I'm not really nervous, but anxious.  I wish they thought more of me here.  It fucking sucks ass that I have to fight for every little thing in my life and I'm damn sick and tired of that, but whatever.  I'll know by noon what's going on. 

 

I've been having pain the last couple days.  I don't like that.  I might need to call the dr. 

 

 

I am moving

I am super bitch today.  I'm absolutely IRATE.  I woke up pissed and plan to stay pissed until I find a new job.  It is my current understanding that I am only getting a 5% raise.  I'm so far beyond pissed there is no word to explain it.  And they have a 5 year plan to officially put me into the position that I AM ALREADY DOING!  So basically they don't plan to pay me for the work i'm doing for five effing years.  I'm so so so fucking pissed.  And hurt too because apparently they don't think I'm worthy.
 
So...I have a 5 month plan to move to Chicago.  I'm going to start applying for jobs and getting my portfolio together immediatly.  If you could help me by pointing me in directions of cheaper but safe places to live in Chicago, that'd be awesome.  I know nothing about the city, so I don't even know where to start looking for a place to live.
 
I am even thinking of saying I'm sick today so I don't have to see these fuckers and pretend that everything is fucking hunky dory.  It's not.  i'm not happy.  I really hope Hyr was just pulling my leg, but he most definitely led me to believe that I am not getting a significant raise at all.  He said the raise I'm getting won't help my financial situation.  I hope he was kidding.  I hope that this meeting tomorrow I find out that I'm getting the level raise I deserve and the pay rate I need and deserve.
 
I just need to get through the day, though.

Yuck

I'm stressing myself out here. 

 

1.  Amira has really fucked up our internal website.  Like seriously fucked it up.  She's very task focused and not content focused.  For the web content, you need to both finish the job and deliver a high quality product.  You can't just get it done and not care about content.  Also, she's really fucked up our weekly updates, apparently.  the way she's been doing our headline news has created a hole for items to drop into before they get to the plant employees who don't have time to see the news electronically.  Not cool and a huge fucking headache for me.

 

2.  I'm completely stressed about my medical bills.  I need to just do something about it.  I hate feeling so very stressed out and worried.  Being out of happy pills doesn't help my situation at all.  I feel very unsettled and confused about all of my medical bills.  I fucking hate bills.  I'd rather ignore them.

 

3.  While I've gotten a lot done today, it's not enough.  I have so much to do and this afternoon can't get around to focusing on it.  That's a problem.

 

 

Not a super day today

Weekend was boring.  Hung out with my friend Mistle.  That's as exciting as it gets.

 

Today i'm completely stressed and freaked out.  I have TONS of stuff to do at work.  That only took a week. 

 

Mom and dad are filing a lawsuit and the lawyer they were going to meet with is all the sudden no where to be found.  That's shady, so I'm going to talk to Zeus about it to see if he has recommendations.

 

Today I am out of happy pills and out of hormones, so that's not helping me even a little bit.  I need to straighten out my flex card stuff so I can use that for perscriptions again.  it's such a pain in the ass though.  I can't deal with it today, but I don't have much of a choice, I guess. 

 

i'm grumpy as fuck.  I hate that.

 

i'm going to have lunch with Hyr.  I hope he's paying and I hope he hasn't invited anyone else because i'm not in the mood for a big group.  I can handle him today and that's about it.

 

 

Day Three back at the office

And I'm EXHAUSTED.  Each day I seem to get more tired earlier in the day.  I'll be wasted by Friday.  But also, I'm not really sleeping much at night so that's not helping things.  oh crap.  I forgot to buy stamps from Cat.  I should go do that.

 

Anyway...my welcome back was nice.  Everyone seems to have missed me.  Zeus is so cute about it.  "i'm so glad you're back Brennan" after he asks me to solve this difficult graphing thing that the boss boss wanted.  It's not quite rocket science, but it's difficult and tedious.  And they want me to figure out a way to do it without having to be online.  Oh joy.

 

But I am glad to have a regular schedule.

 

Mom and dad are not doing well.  It's very scary right now.  Mom went blind in her left eye a few weeks ago and is beginning to have symptoms of losing the sight in her right eye.  We're all scared.  She had a stroke in her left eye caused by Giant Cell Arteritis, which was caused by PMR.  It's drama and disaster.  Dad's parkinsons is getting worse.  It just sucks ass to see them failing like they are.  It breaks my heart.

 

in good news...GO OBAMA!!!  I really feel like these are amazing times in US History.  Obama makes me want to help change the world.  He is very inspiring, and I know not only to me.  He's an extraordinary leader who I am very proud to call my president.  He makes me proud to be an American.  George Junior made me want to move to the antarctic just to hide from the shame of all he's made of this country while in office. 

I Am Ambivolant

Not really, but I like that word today. 

 

Mom's been really sick.  She went to a new specialist this week and he immediatly sent her to the hospital for three rounds of high dosage steroids.  Starting today she's on 60mgs of steroids a day for 4 weeks, after which she'll get more blood tests and then more steroids or start to taper steroids. 

 

I've been working with my cousin Florentina on some cards for her business.  I assumed it'd be no big deal - maybe 30 minutes of work.  It's been a week long ordeal, and the cards look like shit with what they want done.  They are not designers, so if they think they can do it without a designer, go ahead and do it.  I don't have time to fuck around and I'm not getting paid for this.  It's not even something I'd care to add to my portfolio - it'd NEVER get me a job!  It's horrible.  And Florentina knows I have a lot going on with mom and dad and myself recovering, but she doesn't give a shit or doesn't realize the time it takes to do this shit.  It's just irritating. 

I haven't gotten anything done I wanted to, as far as my portfolio.  The company I work for is failing miserably, so I can't count on keeping a job there.  My mind is definitely back at work.  I know I'm walking right into chaos and mayhem and I'm not looking forward to it.  Oh well.  Life goes on, right?

Hahaha

I love my dad.  Really I do.  There isn't anyone else in the world I'd want to have raised me.  However...he cracks me up.  He's on the phone with some online service and he's making up all of these laws he says they've broken "Fraud by Wire", "Misleading Senior Citizens" both of which are federal offenses, by the way.  I love him!

 

Mom is not doing well at all.  She had a stroke last week.  She's lost the vision in her left eye.  She's scared to death.  And she's been acting a little odd lately.  She seems confused sometimes.  I'm worried sick about her.  I'd like for her Dr to get an MRI or something to see if anything has affected her brain.  her last specialist (she has some weird auto immune disorder) disregarded her symptoms and stopped treating her with out referring her to someone else or saying he's not qualified to treat her...nothing.  And now her disease is out of control causing devestating changes in her body.  It's ridiculous.  I'm going to write to that dr and threaten a lawsuit.  it's ridiculous.  He completely mistreated her. 

 

In other news, I'm recovering just fine now.  It's been 6 weeks today since the hysterectomy.  I feel lots better.  Pain is very minimal and present only when i've been sitting up straight (like in a work chair) for a significant amount of time or when I'm tired, which feels like ALL the time.  That's the only thing I haven't seemed to get over is the exhaustion.  It sucks. 

 

Ok.  Time to sit somewhere else!  have you missed me, my invisible friends?

Photography kick continued...

I'm doing everything I can to learn more and more about photography.  Fonti, a friend from work, referred her sister Somero to me for wedding photography.  I'm not a professional.  I have no equipment.  I know I can do a good job and I believe in my skills, but I would rather be someone's apprentice so I can get some more exposure to wedding photography.  I don't know how to go about doing that.  I'm looking at on line information about lighting and just general tips for taking pictures of couples and such. 

 

I just need to find a way to build my confidence as well as my portfolio.  I don't quite know how to do that.  I'll do my best.  Maybe I can get H's family to do a session with me.  That would be good practice for me and free pictures for them.  I'll ask her about that.  Maybe RG would be willing, too.  I need experience.

Where do I live?

I thought I was in the USA, but I think in November I'll be living in the 1970 communist USSR.  If McCain Palin get voted in, I'm seriously looking for work in Canada. 

Photography

Ok. So I was in love with digital grin for a while. Then I tried to post a picture. Then I tried again. They moderate postings and apparently there's something inherently wrong with the pictures I want to post. I'm beyond pissed. Why try to be a member of something that won't let you participate?

In other news, I totally dig this new pictures I took at the cemetery! Cool isn't it? I like cemeteries. I'm creepy like that, I guess.

Turlach

He's being such a good guy tonight.  He's always a good guy, but tonight he's doing my laundry, cooking dinner, getting me water. 

 

My cousins Eaj called Turlach tonight.  Eaj is such a good guy.  He's changed so much.  He told Turlach he'd like to come visit while I'm recovering at the 'rents.  How sweet is he?!

Photography

I really want to be a real photographer.  But for not, I just want to be a better photographer.  I"m addicted to Digital Grin right now.  Those photographers make me feel very inferior, but I know I have a good eye for photography and have taken a good share of great shots.  I just want to talk to real photographers.  I have so many questions.  How many shots does it take to get that perfect shot for you?  How do you prepare?  And don't even get me started on wedding photography.  Good lord, I have questions.  I could ask Len, but we don't talk anymore and I hear she's just a completely different person now.  So I think I'm going to do my best to network my way to photographers!

 

Want to know a sick secret, my invisible friends?  Turlach pees with the door open.  No wonder he's single.  And no wonder why I'm looking for my own damn place!

Wedding Photography

I'm going through and editing the better pictures from the wedding in August.  I have a huge list of things to do and not to do for the next wedding I shoot.  August was unorganized.  They didn't know what they wanted.  THey didn't have a schedule.  They didn't tell me what things were going to happen that they wanted photographed specifically.  Looking at the pictures I wish I had more information before the wedding.  Next time will be better.  I need to research how other photographers do it.  Do they have a list of shots they want?  What are their contracts like?  What are their expectations?  I know what I want next time. 

 

That reminds me.  I need to get in touch with potential client #2.  She may have moved on by now and that's ok, but still...I need to follow up with her.

Bad day

Well not really a bad day, but I'm just in a bad mood.  Don't really feel good.  cold.  Tired.  Already not looking forward to going back to work.  With the way the economy is going, I don't know if I'll be able to get a loan for school, and that sucks.  I want my MBA!  I'll find a way to get it, I guess.

 

Turlach is home from work.  No work to speak of this week plus the evil boss is going to be out helping his wife cook for the polish festival this weekend. 

 

I emailed my boss today that I'll be back a week earlier than expected.  He seemed really happy, so that's good.  I'd like to try to see them this weekend, but I don't know if I have the energy, pain or emotional tolerance for rides, in and out of the car and seeing a newborn baby without bursting into tears of self pity.

 

I might go for a ride tdoay.  I'm bored.  I can't stand sitting here.  I can't sit at the upstairs computer because Turlach is using the computer chair and I can't sit in that other one.  Today just fucking sucks I guess.  I'm pissy at everything. 

 

This hormone patch thing isn't working.

 

 

Still have pain

I am sick of taking pills.  I woke up STARVING.  I need to wait for the pb&j to thaw before I can eat it.  Making me cranky.

 

Turlach seems to be a little pissy this morning.  Oh well.  I don't care.  I made a grocery list.  I hope to go to the store today.  I'll fake being ok just to get the hell out of the house.  We'll see how it goes, though.

 

Um....Fin emailed me this morning!  He so rarely ever emails.  I'm so glad :)  I love that boy.

 

Presidential debates were last night.  I watched them re-run on CNN.  I found it very interesting.  Obama address McCain directly and often called him John and always made eye contact.  McCain referred to Obama as Senator Obama and never made eye contact.  I wonder if analysts caught that (and I'm sure they did) and what they thought about it.  I should look it up online.

 

I tried to download pictures from my camera but the battery died.  That sucks.  I'll have to charge that up today.  There was one picture in particular I wanted to see, so I'll have to wait for that I guess.

I am still frustrated

Pain is RIDICULOUS today.  I can barely tolerate it.  I think I'll go upstairs and lay down.  That's the only time I feel ok.

 

Saw a fucking mouse in the house today.  I don't like living like I do.  I'm messy.  having mice in the house makes me feel dirty.  What if it's in my room?  I don't ahve food up there so I'm not overly concerned, but still....I don't like the thought of a mouse hanging around here.  Unless it's named mickey and can pay rent, it's not welcome.

 

I"m glad I never watched Blue Collar TV.  I just watched an episode and it's really dumb.

 

Um.  I'm not very chatty, I guess.  I wanted to go on about politics and such but don't have the energy for that kind of frustration.  Tonight is the presidential debate.  Should be interesting.  I'd like to watch it, but I'm sure Shawn doesn't care to see it.  I really do want to see it.  I'm watching John Stewart...I love him! 

 

I want milk.  I think I'll make a grocery list thing.  It'll be distracting.  sorta.  As long as Shawn wants to actually shop.  maybe we can go to walmart and I can embarrass myself and use an amigo.  I can't walk but I just can't sit in the house anymore.

I'm grumpy today

Turlach ... well ... I think a lot of it is me and I shouldn't complain about the fact that he thinks we don't need to go to the store (even though we have no food) and I won't complain about how he says one thing and does the opposite.  I'll complain about how my hormones are completely imbalanced and how the doc needs to fix that and how my pain is fucking irritating me and how fustrated I am with sitting here doing nothing.  That's what I'll bitch about.

 

I'm taking a close look at the wedding pictures from well over a month ago so I can edit them.  Again....it's something that Turlach is fucking irritating me about.  FUck you turlach.  You are not my boss.  You are not my agent.  I told them it'd be a while before I could start editing but your fucking little bitchy ass keeps asking why I'm not working on them.  Oh I don't know...I just had my fucking internal organs ripped the fuck out of me and I'm feeling a little less than energetic. 

 

Man I'm fucking pissed today.  This sucks.

Whatever

I'm sick of Turlach complaing about how fucking uncomfortable he is.  Whatthefuckever.  I have a fucking hole in my stomach and internal organs were ripped out.  Fuck you and your discomfort you big baby.

Apparently

Things at work are not good at all.  Something is going on that they're not telling me.  Whatever.  Just gives me more motivation to get the portfolio out there.

 

I think Turlach just came home.  God I hope not.  IF he did, I'll claim exhaustion and go to bed.  I just want to be left alone.  I don't want visitors.  I don't want to listen to him talk about how his abdomen is uncomfortable.  Whatever Turl.  Preaching to the choir.

 

Zeus and Hera finally named the baby. Very pretty name :)  I'm glad they had a girl! 

 

I'm cranky.  I want to do stuff.  I want to do laundry.  I want to go to the damn store.  I want to cook something more than fucking grilled cheese.  I want to take pictures.  I want to go for a ride.  I think I need to talk to the doc about hormones.  Days 3 and 4 i'm moody as fuck.  This isn't working. 

 

I don't think that was Turlach.  The puppy didn't come running!

Wednesday

Yesterday Turlach was quite sick.  He's still not feeling well today.  I wanted him to go to the ER, but he refused.  I understand because he has no insurance.  He needs to find some kind of cheap plan because he can't ignore things like this.  I think he has dad's IBS.  I was feeling great and happy to help him yesterday.  I even drove to the store and that turned out to be a great lesson - I don't need to be driving anywhere.  It hurts!  My incision feels very irritated today.  Oh well.  It'll get better.

 

I"m trying to decide on a movie to watch. 

 

And....I have no business trying to have a portfolio.  My work sucks.  I sit here and surf the net looking at other portfolios, and my work doesn't compare in the least.  I'm not sure how to make my work look as professional as other people's work looks.  My pictures kinda suck.  I'm not as good as I like to think I am.  Some pictures are great, but they are very few and very far between.  And my design work...I don't know.  I consider myself more of a hack than a designer.  I put things together.  I don't create things.  I don't know.  My self esteem isn't booming right now, I guess.

 

I think my hormones are not great.  I think I should change my patch every three days instead of every 4.  I'll talk to the doc about it.  It's not been long enough to be all upppity about not feeling well.  I need to give it more time. 

 

Why am I watching a fucking sad movie????????????  I cry enough as it is.  But it does have Kevin Smith....he's a hoot.

 

Ok.  I am going to further critique my work and feel a little worse about myself!

So

I just can't get over this.  Nafu, the "best friend" who hasn't been in touch with me, still hasn't been in touch.  I'm terribly disappointed in her and I'm having such a hard time getting over it.  I refuse to contact her directly now.  And it's difficult to not do that.  I don't know what her deal is, though.  She's changed alot.  She's miss "you're not important if you don't know celebrities" now.  She used to be a nice person.  I see her as very shallow now.  So given that why do I feel so hurt?  Why do I still want to be friends with her?  I don't fucking get it.  Someone must have dropped me on my head!  She's really turned into the type of person I hated when I lived in LA - she's a name-dropper.  That's the worst kind of person.  Again...that said, why do I want to still be a blip on her radar??????  I DON'T GET IT!

 

Have I mentioned I'm sick of pain?  Because I am.

 

I think I might take the laptop and hard drive upstairs tonight.  I want to work on pictures but I don't feel like staying down here.  Then again, I am quite tired.  Maybe I can do it tomorrow.  I might take the HRD upstairs tonight and work at that computer tomorrow, but it's so hard to sit there.  I'm good with sitting on the couch using the laptop, but sitting at the desk hurts. 

 

I see Claire's brain.  Just thought I'd share.  Sylar's hot.  THought I'd share that, too.  But now he can heal and that's evil.  And poor Claire....I imagine she'll be ok. 

 

Tomorrow I want to definitley go through my photos.  REALLY go through them.  Make edits of the best and start a portfolio.  I'm also going to get my shit together for the MBA application.  I looked for jobs online today and once I have an MBA, I can triple my salary in the right job.  That means I can't stay at Completely Earth forever, but who knows....maybe some day something in the Creative Direction area could open?

 

Turlach is snoring.  Must be nice to fall asleep at the drop of a hat.  I can cry at the drop of a hat.  I wish I could sleep like that!

 

Great.  Nathan is all "I love God" now.  Or maybe he's crazy?  I think he's crazy.  Maybe a lot of his brain died while he was dead. 

Today

Today was kind of boring. I'm dealing with minor hot flashes this afternoon. Today I think I like that better than being freezing ass cold. I am fairly uncomfortable today, but better than last week.

I am on smugmug now, but don't really have anything to upload just yet.

Turlach is torturing himself tonight. If he does piss himself off enough I'll go to damn bed. i'm not in the mood to listen to the whining.

Zeus and Hera had a daughter today. I hope everything went well! I can't seem to log onto work email to find out. Maybe I'll REALLY log in instead of just through webmail. Plus I'm sure Amira didn't check web or info mails either.

Ok. I'm going to look at photography!

I am FREEZING TO DEATH

I'm so cold.  All the time, I'm freezing.  So much for hotflashes!

 

I need to find new places to go online.  I'm very bored with all of the pages that I currently go to.  There's only like 5 pages that I visit anyway.  I used to go EVERYWHERE.  I just need to find new things to look up, I guess. 

 

I think my freezing cold ass is going for a walk to warm up.  But I do have a lot of pain so maybe I should take it easy.  Guess you'll just have to live in suspense while I decide what to do!

I am more comfortable today

Maybe it's because I am not doing didly squat, but I've been comfortable most of the day.  As a matter of fact I'm sitting at my upstairs computer quite comfortably, for the moment anyway.  I want to scan pictures tomorrow!!  I've considered taking the scanner downstairs, but getting the pictures down there would be quite the feat. 

 

Oh well.

 

I'm going to journal in my real journal tonight in hopes that it relieves some of my frustration.  This recovery process sucks my fat ass.  I hate needing help when I feel like I don't really need help.  I'm doing much better.  4-6 more weeks of the BS might kill me.

 

 

I need to focus while I'm sick

I just went to an old friend's myspace page. She's a strange cookie, but I love her to pieces. We used to impersonate celebrities online - it was ALOT of fun. Luckily this was like 8 or 9 years ago. I was old enough to know better, but bored enough to justify it. Anyway....I saw some of her photoshop work and it's fantastic...and she's just playing! So i'm totally jealous. Maybe she has the lite version or maybe cs3 has more simple features....or maybe I'm just not challenged enough to be more artistic. So...I decided that I need to really hone my photo shop skills and build my portfolio with fake projects. Sounds like fraud, but it's actually quite common to fill their portfolios in with work that they either create for themselves or have done for friends.

This was yesterday's experiment. It's a daisy photograph I took sometime this past summer and photoshopped on Friday. I think I might get a print of this to frame. I like it muchly.

Hyr came to visit this afternoon. I wasn't real chatty, but he was a trooper. It was a little uncomfortable. Rowen and her bf are coming over tonight to watch a movie. She's always late so I don't think she'll be here before 8:45. And that's ok, I guess. It's just that I'm tired already. I guess having visitors all the time doesn't really work for me.

I wanted to go to the store today, but walking down the street is all I can do. in and out of the car is difficult. Walking around a store will be impossible. My scar feels irritated today and it seems to be bleeding alot. Well, not a lot, but just more than when the staples were in. At least I'm more comfortable. Having the staples in really sucked.

Ok. i'm off for the moment. done talking!

I'm still sore

I'm still surprised at the pain i'm in.  it sucks.  It's frustrating.  I'm bored bored bored.  I can't really go anywhere.  I'm cold.  I'm whiney.  yet...I don't want to go back to work.  Work has called me enough today to really piss me off.  I'll get over it, but it's irritating.  Amira is doing ok.  She's made some not so minor mistakes which irritate me.  Maybe I am smart.  I don't know.  I just assumed that the things I know, everyone knows.  LIke when you set up a meeting for a group of people and the "owner" of that meeting can't be there, but everyone else still has to go; when you cancel it off of the owners calendar, it gets cancelled for everyone.  This is very common sense to me,  But I need to give her some leeway...she doesn't know.  She doesn't have the experience that I have.  But it's still frustrating.

 

Zeus and Hera are having their baby on Monday.  Hera thinks she'll be able to send me an email.  She's so not going to want to bother with email.  Even I know that much.  Zeus won't think about it.  He'll be to concerned for Hera and the baby.  It doesn't matter to me, but it's cute that Hera wants to try.

 

I want the pain to go away.

 

I want to not be bored.  I'd like to be able to sit at my computer upstairs so that I can maybe scan pictures or feel like I'm being productive.  Sitting here doing nothing is annoying.  Pain is annoying.  I just want to be less annoyed. 

Ok

I'm pathetic, yes.  Last night I posted a blog on both LJ and MySpace, hoping to reach one specific person.  It was a little whiney but 100% true and real about how lonely I am right now.  She just doesn't say shit to me anymore.  She used to be my best friend.  What the fuck.  I know she's changed.  A lot.  And not for the better, that's for sure.  But I was hoping we'd still be friends.  I don't know why I still want to be her friend.  I guess it's because she was my best friend during a very significant part of my life.  Maybe I wasn't a good friend back.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm dillusional to think that I can be friends with someone for a long time. 

 

Whatever.  I"m pissed and hurt, but I'll get over it.

 

Slept all night again.  That's three nights in a row!!  YAY BRENNAN!

 

 

ugh

My scar is very irritated today.  I'm tired.  Can't sleep.  I hate being tired. 

 

Rowen asked me to do a project for work.  I really shouldn't, but I probably will.  I'm more bored than I am tired. 

 

Seriously though, I want to sleep.

 

I've been having a really hard time with the no babies thing.  I tried to go into support chat rooms but all they were doing is soliciting for cyber sex.  It was very frustrating and disappointing.

 

I'm lonely, too.  I sit here all day with no one to chat with.  I text with friends and family, but I want new friends.  I want to talk to someone who understands what I'm going through and how I'm feeling.  And for some reason, I know there's something in me eager to seek out a fight with a stranger who says they don't want to talk to me because I can't have children.  I want to yell and scream and cry, but I can't.  I cry everyday, but not like I want to cry.  I just want to boohoo, but for some reason I haven't let myself let go. 

 

Ok.  gonna find something to either occupy my brain or make me fall the hell asleep.

Hmmm

Henry Rollins will be around my state ... um I forgot to look at dates.  I wonder if Turlach would be interested in going with me.  I love me some Rollins. 

 

OH I HATE THOSE freecreditreport.com ads.  What the fuck?  just because his fucking wife has bad credit doesn't mean HE can't get a mortgage on his own credit.  Take some fucking responsibility asshole.  And what...you can't get a job without good credit?  YES YOU CAN.  Get a fucking education and then you can bitch about not being able to get a new job.  Oh those commercials just rub me the wrong damn way.  They are misleading, dishonest, straight-up scare tactics.  Yep....I hate those commercials. 

I'm sad

I watched a movie, Martian Child, and burst into tears about how I can't have children.  Maybe I need to go back on wellbutrin.  I'm dealing better than I thought I would be, though. 

 

I should be sleeping.  i'm very tired and have a headache, but couldn't fall asleep.  Maybe once Shawn gets home I'll head upstairs, shower and nap.  I know now for tomorrow that I'll need to go upstairs to sleep.  I can't sleep down here.  2:00 is going to officially be naptime from now on. 

 

I think I'm going to play with pictures.  I'ts not very comfortable to sit here with the laptop.  I'll have to figure something else out, i think, but this works well enough for now. 

Dear Turlach

Quit talking about how mom and dad need to lose weight.  They know this.  It's no secret.  You're hurting their feelings and irritating me.

Awww

Uncle Bearach has called everyday to check on me.  He's just the sweetest man.  Both of my uncles on mom's side - Zart and Bearach - are the funniest guys ever and always try to be the guys guys - no feeling tough bastards.  But they are really the sweetest guys ever.  Uncle Bearach called today to see how I was doing and he always uses this stoic voice like he's taking notes.  But when I said "I love you" he quietly said "I love you, kiddo. be good".  it was so sweet!!

I decided

That maybe I'll just sit and learn about photography today.  I still am not feeling well and can't do much, so sitting and looking at and learning about photography sounds like as good as any way to spend the day. 

 

I'm really tired today.  Had a really hard time sleeping last night.  I dont look forward to going to bed like I used to.  It is just uncomfortable to sleep.  I will try to take a nap today, though.  I'm really tired.  exhausted to the point of tears. 

Shutterfly

I'm not sure I like shutterfly that much.  I like the fact that I can store ALL of my pictures there, but I just don't know if it works for me to share with friends.  ofcourse, if I had ANY of my pictures organized in a way to make it easy to share, that'd be a whole other oprah.  I wish there was an easy way to do picasa.  I'll have to look into that, I guess. 

 

I'm really tired tonight.  I didn't take a nap today and I think that's kicking my ass.  Recovery sucks.

 

 

I am in pain

Today's not a great day.  I had a full lunch - bowl of mac and cheeses.  My most favoite meal ever.  I went to the doc this morning because I haven't had bm's and I'm a little sick to my stomach and it was freakign me out.  But the doc, not my normal doc, said I'm fine and was very happy with how i'm getting around. 

 

It's very hard for me to ask for help.  I think that's more obvious to me now and explains why I have a hard time at work.  I won't ask for help.  I don't know what the deal is with me, but I think maybe I feel like asking for help makes me vulnerable and weak.  Two things I never want to be seen as.  I'm strong.  I can do anything.  But in reality, I can't and I have to learn how to change the way I go about things. 

 

Anyway...I've been trying to get in touch with Bozrah.  She's ... I don't know.  I love her to pieces.  She's one of three people I'd consider my best friends, but she's high maitenance.  She needs counseling more than anyone else I know.  We all need it - I'm well aware of that and freely admit I could definitely benefit from professional counseling.  But she needs it desperately.  She is so self doubting. 

 

Ok. I feel like i might actually move some bowels!!  Yes...My life had been reduced to this kind of excitement!

I am home

i'm feeling very very puny, but I'm home.  I have a lot of surgical pain, but suprisingly and happily,  a lot of the pain that I blamed on endometriosis seems to be gone.  all of my internal organs from the bottom of my intestine to the top of my stomach were one solid mass and it makes sense with out I was feeling.

 

I just wanted to drop in and say hello to my invisible friends.  I'm exhausted and going to go upstairs and sleep for a while.

I think

I will concentrate on photography while I'm off of work. Maybe. I'm undecided, really. I don't know what pain I'll be in. I'm considering shortening my time off of work to 6 weeks. But that's mostly because I don't think my doc will give me 8. I hope he does because I think I need the time off, but I doubt he will. He's Dr Asshole for a reason.

Back to photography. I'd like to at least post more pictures here and elsewhere if nothing else. The problem is that all of my pictures are on a portable hard drive. OH! BRILLIANT IDEA. I can hook my external drive to Turlach's computer - he has a dual layer dvd burner. At lest that way I can get dvd's of the pictures. Still...I don't have enough dual layer dvd's. I have over 200 gigs of pictures to back up and it's making me nervous that I don't have backups right now.

Ok. I'll worry about that later. This is a fun distraction, however, from today's big fucking surgery. I'm getting nervous.

Oh! One more thing

But now I forgot what I was going to say. OH! Not that any of you care, but I'm going to set an upload for all of my pictures to go on shutterfly as a back up. I don't know how well that'll go or how many will get uploaded before it kicks me off, but I'm going to try. I need a few back ups for my pictures. I wish I could find a different unlimited free online storage for files. I'd like to back up my raw files, too.

Just thought I'd share!

Today's the day

I didn't think I'd be on or able to even consider blogging today, but it's early and there's no way my ass can get back to sleep. I go to the hospital in two hours.

Word to the wise - don't drink blue gatorade with a drug designed to clean out your system - everything that comes out will be blue. I feel like a damn alien! TMI? sure. Do I care? Not really!

I'm surprisingly calm this morning. I'm going through my nesting sort of thing. I didn't clean my room as I had planned. It's clean enough but if I have visitors, it needs to be cleaner. So I think I'll resort to the "throw it in the closet and shut the door" trick. I can deal with it when I'm able to lift things again.

Phelan has no phone right now, so there's no way for my family to get in touch with him after my surgery. I hate that. I understand, though. My phone gets shut off, too. But he was doing so well! I bet his phone is super expensive though - he has a pricey phone that has a pricey package to go along with it. I can't even afford what he has. Maybe he got it for show when he came home? hard telling. He's like that. I say stick with the cheap. No one cares what kind of cell phone you have. Dont' get me wrong, I'd give my right arm for a blackberry, but I know that'll just addict me that much more to work. But hey...hmm..I bet you good money that if I got a blackberry, work would pay for part of my cell bill!! Now there's an idea! I still need to fill out the form to get them to pay for my wireless at home since I'm sometimes expected to work from home.

Anyway...I think I'll check my work email, shower and the sit, wait and stress. wish me luck, invisible friends!

Lyrics

I am unwritten
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
Pen in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on you face
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
Noone else can speak the words on your lips
Drench your self in words unspoken
Life your life with arms wide open
Today ends where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten


I don't know why but I just like those lyrics. I was all excited this morning that someone actually read a blog of mine. Even if it was just for lyrics, I'm still excited :)

Tomorrow is the big day

In 24 and half hours, I'll be laying on a surgical table completely naked and vulnerable.  After the nurses and technicians get a good laugh at my fat ass, they'll be cutting me open and removing my hopes and dreams of having my own child.  A thoughtless pig at work asked me if I'm excited.  Absolutely.  Can't wait to meet the man of my dreams and have him not be interested after he finds out I can't have kids.  Actually, I guess at that point he woudln't be the man of my dreams, but it'll hurt just the same.  It already hurts. 

 

I've been doing my best all weekend to keep my cool and play it all off like I"m fucking fine.  I'm not fucking fine.  not even a little bit.  I just want tomorrow to be over with so I can fucking move on.  The 'rents are down here this weekend and dad gets this tone in his voice that annoys the shit out of me on a good day.  ON a bad day like today I just want to scream and storm off.  I honestly just want to be left the fuck alone, but I know that's not going to happen - not by a long shot.  So....I'll find ways to distract me.  Maybe take some pictures somewhere.  Spend money I really don't have.  Drive around using my $4/gallon gas.  I might even (more like have to) do laundry.  As long as everyone quits asking me what they can do for me or how I'm feeling.  You can all do me a favor by shutting up and leaving me alone.  I feel horrible.  Piss off.

 

I try not to be foul mouthed but for some reason today it's a big stress reliever.

 

I want chinese food today.  I can't eat.  I will have to suffice with jello, broth or juice.  Scrumpdillyicious. 

 

can't I just lay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself?  Where's the fucking harm in that.  For a girl who's definitely an emotional eater, taking away my right to food is not working out too well.  FUcking Dr Asshole better fix me up good or I'll fucking .... probably do nothing and just regret having this surgery the rest of my life.  That's the reality of my life.

 

Maybe I can get all profound after surgery. 

 

Miss me much, invisable friends!  You won't hear from me for at least a week.  Have fun with your invisable lives.  eat some invisable chinese crab bake for me.